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Old 10-28-2011, 01:27 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Emotional Affair - now what?

Hey X---what's the difference sex, or giving her heart away emotionally---she is in love with another, and it is inappropriate

She is all of a sudden giving you sex, to allay your suspicions, what has backfired, is she is doing something that has not been normal lately in your mge., so it has you wondering

She is using all her deceitful wiles, to keep you, her meal ticket where she wants you, even as she loves this other guy

For at this point there is some love there, it is a fantasy love affair, but it is happening, and you need to shut it down YESTERDAY

Make sure she understands completely that you cannot/will not try to control her, and she can obviously do as she pleases, but by the same token, you will not be part of a 3some, therefore, if she does not shut this down, you will move on, and make sure she knows D., is on the table

Putting D., on the table, hopefully will yank her back to reality,

Make sure she understands, that if you 2 do seperate or D., she will be responsible for her half of everything, that the 2 of you took care of as a team up to now.

You need to be very harsh, or she will just continue to manipulate you, and do as she pleases

You need to out bluff her, that is if you even want to be with her, but if you do, you need to force upon her the reality, of being w/out her cozy little mge., and put the reality of everyday life with her scumbag lover firmly into her consciousness---once she sees this guy ain't quite what she thought he was, as reality sets in, the A. should hopefully end----if it doesn't well then you just move on, and start a new life.
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Old 10-28-2011, 02:22 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Emotional Affair - now what?

X-unknown,

You haven't yet described who this OM is. Is this a work place affair, online affair, or what? Do you know who OM is? Do you know if he's married or has a steady GF? Do you know where he lives?

One of the best ways of killing the affair is to expose it to the right people. If he's married, expose it to his betrayed wife or GF. If this is a workplace affair, expose it to HR if you can. But the important thing is to exposure.
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Old 10-30-2011, 08:59 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Yes, I agree she has been misleading about the EA and I'm a bit surprised how creative she has been in misdirection etc.

I've taken that step and am doing a couple of things to get myself squared away. I've talked to someone about some help on this and I'm not making any serious decisions for a while. And yes, your 100% correct this is making me "nuts" and that I would like to avoid.

*Other then the take care of myself stuff. A big part of this is making decisions on what to do based on what I "think" a guy does in this kind of situation.

As to the voice recorder, cell phone spy software etc. I know that knowing has helped me get to the truth about this but I'm not sure how this helps if I keep digging further and further. I think that now that its out in the open the odds that she would slip up (Assuming she decided to continue on) is low and the odds of her picking up me snooping and turning that around on me are great.

I'm not sure what writing her a no contact letter does that having it out in therapy and at home didn't do. Is this for some future legal action because that is not what I'm gearing up for.

Ok, that all said I recognize that I'm new at this and probably making some mistakes that others have made. Hopefully you guys (and ladies) can slap me upside the head a bit if this sounds too stupid a plan.

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Originally Posted by Geoffrey Marsh View Post
This is very true...from what I can glean from your remarks it sounds like the EA is a lot deeper than she is putting on.

I would suggest you take a step back from the entire situation for awhile and get yourself squared away. That means take time to center yourself emotionally, spiritually and mentally before you make anymore decisions at all. IE: Take care of yourself first!

In my opinion...the worst thing that happens to victims is the relentless roller coaster of lies. Waywards twist and turn you in so many directions its hard to tell which way is up. Couple this with the pain of betrayal and you find yourself loosing your mind. It is so very important to step out of the madness and regain your focus.

The only thing you really need to be doing at this point is:

1. Taking care of yourself
2. Declare a no-contact rule..via letter.
3. Monitor your wife.


Other than that, I wouldn't be doing anything else.
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Old 10-30-2011, 09:03 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Emotional Affair - now what?

I know who he is and we've entertained him and had him over for dinner. Its one of those "friends from ________" things that seems to have gotten out of control. He is not married. The problem is that I think my wife is much more into him then the other way around. Its complicated and I'm not sure how much to say on the forum.

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X-unknown,

You haven't yet described who this OM is. Is this a work place affair, online affair, or what? Do you know who OM is? Do you know if he's married or has a steady GF? Do you know where he lives?

One of the best ways of killing the affair is to expose it to the right people. If he's married, expose it to his betrayed wife or GF. If this is a workplace affair, expose it to HR if you can. But the important thing is to exposure.
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Old 10-30-2011, 10:19 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Emotional Affair - now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by X-unknown View Post
As to the voice recorder, cell phone spy software etc. I know that knowing has helped me get to the truth about this but I'm not sure how this helps if I keep digging further and further.
The first thing that cheaters do, is that they will deny and deny, and minimize. Upon being confronted with evidence, they will then only admit to what you know. This is like seeing the tip of the iceberg. This is called Trickle Truth.

I see from your other post, that OM is local, since you've had him over for dinner. So how exactly do you know that this is only an EA?? Do you have the proof? Is this what she told you? You know how many hundreds of stories that we've read here, that the WS first only admits to an EA, then come to find out, they held hands, and then it becomes hugs, then it becomes kisses, then it becomes oral, then the BS finds out that it did go physical so the WS says they only did it 1 time, only to finally find out that its been going on for some time, and they've had unprotected sex many times? I know you're a new BS, so the disbelief and denial is strong at this stage.

I've only very rarely seen WSs only have a PA, especially when their AP is local. EAs very quickly progress to full on PAs.

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I think that now that its out in the open the odds that she would slip up (Assuming she decided to continue on) is low and the odds of her picking up me snooping and turning that around on me are great.
And this is the one of the MOST common mistakes, the newly betrayed like you do. Simply ASSUMING that on DDay, the WS won't do it again. Experience has shown that many WSs take the affair underground. They simply find another method of communication.

You need to understand how affairs are an addiction. They rarely break it off right away. At least one of the affair partners will attempt to renew contact. This is called fishing. You're assuming that you're wife is rational right now. When they are in the fog, they are not rational and will make irrational decisions.

You also need to get this idea out of your head that it's wrong to snoop. She cheated. You now have that right. Did you even click on any of the links in my signature? Check out the Betrayed Spouse Bill Of Rights. If she can turn it around on you, then she's not remorseful about the affair and the likelihood that she will do it again, are great. I like to call it verification.

Verification serves 2 purposes: It ensures that the WS has honored NC, the affair is over, and that you will be detect any fishing between the two of them. The second purpose is that it helps rebuild trust. Of course, you cannot tell your WW that you are checking on her.

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Originally Posted by X-unknown View Post
I'm not sure what writing her a no contact letter does that having it out in therapy and at home didn't do. Is this for some future legal action because that is not what I'm gearing up for.
Writing the NC letter establishes a clear, written boundary that she will not contact her OM, and he cannot contact her, and if he does, she's breaking NC by giving you a lie of omission. I certainly hope that you're one of those guys who think that therapy is some magic pill that cures all.

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Originally Posted by X-unknown View Post
Ok, that all said I recognize that I'm new at this and probably making some mistakes that others have made. Hopefully you guys (and ladies) can slap me upside the head a bit if this sounds too stupid a plan.
Yes, you're new at this alright, so you may need a 2x4 or two. Some posters, including myself, have links in our signature, you would do well to make use of them. Also, you need to hang around a bit more and read the threads of others, not just your own situation.

I've noticed that you've been VERY skimpy on the details of your situation. If you want help, you're going to have to be a bit forthcoming so people can advise you. Almost EVERYONE here has been betrayed and is going thru something similar to you. This isn't some random forum on the net. The others here who haven't been betrayed are former cheaters, and give valuable insight from being on "the other side". There are also those here who have been on both sides. You would be helping yourself a great deal by availing yourself of everyone's experience.

Last edited by lordmayhem; 10-30-2011 at 10:24 PM.
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Old 10-30-2011, 10:25 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Emotional Affair - now what?

X-
All this crap is complicated, thats why TAM is here, to help break it down and give you different perspectives.

As far as my perspective goes, I see this women manage her two lives. Yours which consists of stability and secerity, and her second life which consists of a taboo excitement that meets a need.

In my experience the best thing I did was make a plan, and hard as it was the indifference I mustered up to exicute my plan was in my best interest. Lets face it we can be our own enemy when it comes to emotions and matters of the heart.

Make a plan and work the plan. Establish your goals and create an agenda that will give your family the best out come.

In my case I had to do the painful investiagtion in to my WW loyality in order to have a effective confrontation in which deniablity was not an option and the only course of action my WW could take was admission and face the reality of her unhealthy behavior by looking at the black and white of it all.

A perverbal slap in the face that her behavior was unhealthy for the marriage and by looking at the black and white truth (in my colored pictures) that she was in fact having an affair...cheating you out of an emotional connection a H and W should have.

Please take the step in outlining a plan of attack that will protect you and your family. You diserve to know the truth in that your investment will pay out and that you are not spending your emotional value on someone that is not doing the same toward you.

Please to the research that will confirm your W commitment and gather the proof that will set it all straight at the time of confrontation...no matter how painful it will be for the both of you. In doing this it will be a change in the marriage thats is greatly need, one way or another.
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Old 10-31-2011, 07:25 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I guess I'm concerned that if I spell out all the details she could come across this stuff? I'm both upset and ashamed that this stuff is happening. The whole why does the wife need to stray unless your a goon or whatever.

We have mutual friends (Married about as long as us) who have some sort of "What you do on the road - I don't care - just don't bring home any STDs thing" Which has my brain fizzling. I wonder if this sort of thing is making her think its ok with me since I don't get uptight with them. *Frankly I didn't want to know about this much less address it with them.

Reading the last couple of replies is really super depressing. Its very much the same as the book I'm reading (Not just friends)

Ok - a rant and maybe this is just because I'm a older dude. I have to scratch my head on things like PA. I think "Public Address" then it clues in P.hysical A.ffair. Correct? I'm baffled why not just say "sex" or whatever?

Ok, back to the point. I really have read a ton of stuff and like the time I knew things were going on in the back of my mind I know I'm not dealing with this very well. I'm at the whistling in the dark "laa dee dah - everything is ok, I'm cool" phase on the outside and the about to have a stroke / heart attack stage inside. I have been to the hospital once (physical not mental) already and right now I'm trying to get the depression and anxiety stuff under control so I really don't self destruct.

Ok, how do I "know" this is not sexual? I thought I said a number of times that I am 50:50 on this? btw one of the questions is this.... If you think you might have been exposed to STDs what do you exactly do? Is going to your GP the right thing or do you go into a clinic, say your JOHN SMITH and get tested that way? And does that even work?

And if your family doctor is your wife's doctor is that going to put the doctor in a difficult position?

I will look at some no contact examples and ponder that. Yes, your totally right about her turning this back on me and the trickle truth. I wonder if there are any people who can report that they got the truth up front and didn't have to hear it in drips and drabs?

BTW I've set up a date to talk to someone so I will have at least some relief from this ready to burst thing I'm going through.

Has anyone heard of B.A.N. and does that help? In your opinion...
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Old 10-31-2011, 07:35 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Ok, I rarely clink on peoples links. I guess I've gone to too many sites selling some rubbish. So... I clicked on a few links and crap-o-mighty.... The The Betrayed Spouse (BS) Script. This is like reading myself in a Fing mirror. The bad thing is that this is like knowing your Airplane is going to crash. What do you do? Your still going to crash. I guess the one thing is to know that this depression stage is a normal part of this and do whatever you can to not let it roast your brain. The Bill of rights thing is all very well done but you know what? Denial (even reading this!!!) is still a problem. Is that insane or what?

Sheesh.......
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Old 10-31-2011, 07:46 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I guess I'm answering this twice but I have her saying its not. I guess even if its not a sexual thing the EA is bad enough. I do 180s a lot on if I believe her. I've had a number of clues that there is something she is not being truthful about but thats a gut feeling not any facts.

Truth be told I'm kind of freaked out about finding out. Right now I've gotten to the point that I'm handling the EA (Assuming its over) but I think adding in sex makes this into a much more difficult issue. I think we could still move forward but I'm a little worried that I it might make me explode.
Oh, I didn't realize she told you it was non-physical. In that case, you can rest easy.
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Old 10-31-2011, 08:04 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Oh, I didn't realize she told you it was non-physical. In that case, you can rest easy.
You're a bad boy Arnold.
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Old 10-31-2011, 09:30 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Oh, I didn't realize she told you it was non-physical. In that case, you can rest easy.
We've been married more then 20 years and she hasn't been known to lie to me before so this IS really hard to accept.
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Old 10-31-2011, 09:44 PM   #27 (permalink)
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I know. It sucks.But cheaters lie. It's one of the fundamental laws of nature.
Will she take a polygraph?
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Old 10-31-2011, 11:49 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by X-unknown View Post

I'm not sure what writing her a no contact letter does that having it out in therapy and at home didn't do. Is this for some future legal action because that is not what I'm gearing up for.

The idea here is for her to write a no-contact letter to him. This way it establishes the point of time when she is supposed to stop talking/seeing this other guy.

It's just a good way of establishing a boundary and to test her commitment level. If she refuses to send a no-contact letter this is a good sign that the affair is much deeper than what is being said.

It's not for any legal action.
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Old 11-01-2011, 07:33 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Have you put a VAR under her car seat yet? Have you lost focus?
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Old 11-01-2011, 07:59 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by X-unknown View Post
Ok - a rant and maybe this is just because I'm a older dude. I have to scratch my head on things like PA. I think "Public Address" then it clues in P.hysical A.ffair. Correct? I'm baffled why not just say "sex" or whatever?
Because the PA is a culmination of the EA. First, they've given their hearts to the OM in the EA, then the give their body in the PA. It's still an affair, either way. But for some, a PA makes the difference between R or D. My deal breaker is the PA.

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If you think you might have been exposed to STDs what do you exactly do? Is going to your GP the right thing or do you go into a clinic, say your JOHN SMITH and get tested that way? And does that even work?
It's embarassing to say the least. Which ever is less embarassing for you.

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And if your family doctor is your wife's doctor is that going to put the doctor in a difficult position?
No it shouldn't. Doctor-Patient confidentiality and HIPA rules apply. They're used to that. Just like your doctor wouldn't be able to tell you about her medical history or even if she went to see him.

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I will look at some no contact examples and ponder that. Yes, your totally right about her turning this back on me and the trickle truth. I wonder if there are any people who can report that they got the truth up front and didn't have to hear it in drips and drabs?
Very rarely have I ever seen a WS give full disclosure without any proof from the BS. It's usually when the BS has all the evidence that the WS can't TT their way out of it.

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We've been married more then 20 years and she hasn't been known to lie to me before so this IS really hard to accept.
Yes it is, VERY. I thought my own fWW was the most honest person on earth and would never lie to me too. We survived my military career, all the shift work, deployments, etc, etc,. Yet in the 20th year of our marriage, all it took for her to cheat was reconnecting with an old HS boyfriend on facebook. Then I got the whole "I swear to God", "God is my witness", etc, denials. The evidence showed otherwise.

You need to get over this embrassment and denial, sooner, rather than later.
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