Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Wife's Emotional Affair - now what?

37K views 87 replies 32 participants last post by  X-unknown 
#1 ·
A quick history. Our marriage (20+ years) has been a bit neglected. Lots of stress and crisis (Finance, Kids etc) Our sex life went to rare and lots of feelings of mutual rejection (That we learned in Couples Therapy)

One of the revelations in couples therapy is her long term Emotional affair.

When my gut started telling me that things were not right I checked the cell bill (Way too late btw) and the "just a friend" started looking like a lot more with the volume of calls. Anyway, she was not forthcoming until the therapist called her out and even then it wasn't a big deal until I confronted her with the cell info. Now, its "I didn't have any idea it was that often" I feel a bit guilty for snooping but I also feel like a sap for not having clued into this long ago. I also regret telling her about how I know this because I suppose she can phone from work or pick up one of those pay as you go phones. *Which worries me.

Anyway our rarely sexual relationship went to mega active. That ought to feel great but I get the nagging feeling it might be a mask so that we don't deal anymore with the "just a friend" topic. Speaking of which I'm reading a book by that title and the examples all look like matches for whats going on with us.

I guess the snooping thing and how others are dealing with EAs would be of great interest.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
The concept of complete transparency covers the snooping. You have a right to validate your trust. So oput that away and don;t bring that up again.

Moving on. She must go complete NC immediately with her affair partner. It must verifiable. You are under no obligation to divulge how you found out anything. If she knows how you know then she can counter that.

Hysterical bonding can happen for a number of reasons and not all good. Sometimes it means her affair has gone to a PA and she is just turned on and you are there. Or not. I will leave that for other to comment on.

This is the first time I have heard on this forum of a MC calling out someone for thier EA. Excellent.
 
#3 ·
I had an EA, and left my phone where my wife decided to look at it one day. I was caught from what she saw. There was no way to lie with it right there for all to see. Now I'm an open book.

I have to admit that since then, sex with her has increased. I feel bad because it's not romantic sex. It's just sex. Doesn't feel right.
 
#5 ·
It's still fully active. The increased sex is her compensating by trying to lull you by giving you lots of sex. Not uncommon fin affairs, unfortunately.

You've called her on the EA. has she committed to ending it? Does she admit to it?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#10 ·
I considered the lots of sex = some kind of "lets get your mind off this topic" or else it doesn't make a lot of sense. I think not having a good sexlife was a significant part of this EA biz. Feeling rejected and a little bit of anger over some of the stuff. *Not tonight I have a headache and a zillion other reasons. I got to the point where I went from hurt to angry to whatever...

Yes, she admitted it. We were doing couples therapy and the therapist asked her and she said "maybe" and then said it was an EA but has continued denying got sexual. I guess thats common and that the truth take a long time to come out. Someone called it the "Trickle Truth"

Has she committed to ending it? Yes, but I've asked her more then once (Before this admission) to stop this and she avoided responding (and kept it up) A while after the therapy session she told me she would stop contact and I thought she would but.... Anyway, I really knew this was crossing lines for a long time. Was she having a sexual affair? I am totally split on this. There are times I think she is being truthful and there are times I've assumed it was sexual. Its really driving me crazy. *Like see a doctor level crazy. One of the problems is that I really have no one but her (And the therapist) to talk to.
 
#6 ·
I would watch her actions closely...the sex thing could swing either way so this is not a good indicator of good/bad.

Judge solely on what you can verify 100%!

These "unknown" calls need to be vetted out right away.

There can be no wiggle room when it comes to no-contact...she either does it or fails to do it...no grey area.

She might be trying to rug sweep with this increase is sexual activity....be careful that you do not allow this to happen.

If the OM has a wife you need to expose the affair to her.
 
#7 ·
Where is she calling from? Buy voice activated recorders (cheap) from walmart Best Buy. Use velcro and hide one under her car seat. Places in the home where she might talk like the bathroom.

Keylogger on computer may also be helpful.

Be prepared for hearing some ugly stuff however.



Sorry your here, good luck.
 
#12 ·
Thanks I'm sorry I have to be here but I'm happy to have a place to "talk it out" so to speak. I have no idea where she does the phoning from all I know is that when I first made some noises about this "friend" biz bothering me she made the phone calls when I wasn't home. Kind of awful stuff.... Hearing ugly stuff doesn't sound good at all. Ugh I hate this...

We are both working crappy jobs so buying equipment like that is probably out.
 
#11 ·
I guess I'm answering this twice but I have her saying its not. I guess even if its not a sexual thing the EA is bad enough. I do 180s a lot on if I believe her. I've had a number of clues that there is something she is not being truthful about but thats a gut feeling not any facts.

Truth be told I'm kind of freaked out about finding out. Right now I've gotten to the point that I'm handling the EA (Assuming its over) but I think adding in sex makes this into a much more difficult issue. I think we could still move forward but I'm a little worried that I it might make me explode.
 
#14 ·
The most important thing right now for you is to ensure that the affair is over, and for that, she MUST go NC with her OM. Whether it's an EA or PA is secondary until the affair is over, that's for making a decision to R or not and to get tested for STDs. Although you can't prove it, she has refused to go NC with OM, that in itself tells you how little she respects you and the marriage.

Does she have a smart phone? If so, if its an iPhone, you can get iPhone Backup Extractor to check the backup logs, this will tell you what numbers she's calling and texting. If its an Android phone or a phone using the Android OS, you will have to get cell phone monitoring software like Mobile Spy or Mobiflex to check. You can get a VAR for $40 at Wal Mart or Best Buy, or whatever your local electronics store is. Yes, you're both working crappy jobs right? So how much is your marriage worth? Can you put a price tag on that?

MC is shown to be worthless while one partner is actively in the affair. MC is for when the both of you are trying to reconcile and committed to it.
 
#16 ·
Hey X---what's the difference sex, or giving her heart away emotionally---she is in love with another, and it is inappropriate

She is all of a sudden giving you sex, to allay your suspicions, what has backfired, is she is doing something that has not been normal lately in your mge., so it has you wondering

She is using all her deceitful wiles, to keep you, her meal ticket where she wants you, even as she loves this other guy

For at this point there is some love there, it is a fantasy love affair, but it is happening, and you need to shut it down YESTERDAY

Make sure she understands completely that you cannot/will not try to control her, and she can obviously do as she pleases, but by the same token, you will not be part of a 3some, therefore, if she does not shut this down, you will move on, and make sure she knows D., is on the table

Putting D., on the table, hopefully will yank her back to reality,

Make sure she understands, that if you 2 do seperate or D., she will be responsible for her half of everything, that the 2 of you took care of as a team up to now.

You need to be very harsh, or she will just continue to manipulate you, and do as she pleases

You need to out bluff her, that is if you even want to be with her, but if you do, you need to force upon her the reality, of being w/out her cozy little mge., and put the reality of everyday life with her scumbag lover firmly into her consciousness---once she sees this guy ain't quite what she thought he was, as reality sets in, the A. should hopefully end----if it doesn't well then you just move on, and start a new life.
 
#17 ·
X-unknown,

You haven't yet described who this OM is. Is this a work place affair, online affair, or what? Do you know who OM is? Do you know if he's married or has a steady GF? Do you know where he lives?

One of the best ways of killing the affair is to expose it to the right people. If he's married, expose it to his betrayed wife or GF. If this is a workplace affair, expose it to HR if you can. But the important thing is to exposure.
 
#19 ·
I know who he is and we've entertained him and had him over for dinner. Its one of those "friends from ________" things that seems to have gotten out of control. He is not married. The problem is that I think my wife is much more into him then the other way around. Its complicated and I'm not sure how much to say on the forum.
 
#21 ·
X-
All this crap is complicated, thats why TAM is here, to help break it down and give you different perspectives.

As far as my perspective goes, I see this women manage her two lives. Yours which consists of stability and secerity, and her second life which consists of a taboo excitement that meets a need.

In my experience the best thing I did was make a plan, and hard as it was the indifference I mustered up to exicute my plan was in my best interest. Lets face it we can be our own enemy when it comes to emotions and matters of the heart.

Make a plan and work the plan. Establish your goals and create an agenda that will give your family the best out come.

In my case I had to do the painful investiagtion in to my WW loyality in order to have a effective confrontation in which deniablity was not an option and the only course of action my WW could take was admission and face the reality of her unhealthy behavior by looking at the black and white of it all.

A perverbal slap in the face that her behavior was unhealthy for the marriage and by looking at the black and white truth (in my colored pictures) that she was in fact having an affair...cheating you out of an emotional connection a H and W should have.

Please take the step in outlining a plan of attack that will protect you and your family. You diserve to know the truth in that your investment will pay out and that you are not spending your emotional value on someone that is not doing the same toward you.

Please to the research that will confirm your W commitment and gather the proof that will set it all straight at the time of confrontation...no matter how painful it will be for the both of you. In doing this it will be a change in the marriage thats is greatly need, one way or another.
 
#22 ·
I guess I'm concerned that if I spell out all the details she could come across this stuff? I'm both upset and ashamed that this stuff is happening. The whole why does the wife need to stray unless your a goon or whatever.

We have mutual friends (Married about as long as us) who have some sort of "What you do on the road - I don't care - just don't bring home any STDs thing" Which has my brain fizzling. I wonder if this sort of thing is making her think its ok with me since I don't get uptight with them. *Frankly I didn't want to know about this much less address it with them.

Reading the last couple of replies is really super depressing. Its very much the same as the book I'm reading (Not just friends)

Ok - a rant and maybe this is just because I'm a older dude. I have to scratch my head on things like PA. I think "Public Address" then it clues in P.hysical A.ffair. Correct? I'm baffled why not just say "sex" or whatever?

Ok, back to the point. I really have read a ton of stuff and like the time I knew things were going on in the back of my mind I know I'm not dealing with this very well. I'm at the whistling in the dark "laa dee dah - everything is ok, I'm cool" phase on the outside and the about to have a stroke / heart attack stage inside. I have been to the hospital once (physical not mental) already and right now I'm trying to get the depression and anxiety stuff under control so I really don't self destruct.

Ok, how do I "know" this is not sexual? I thought I said a number of times that I am 50:50 on this? btw one of the questions is this.... If you think you might have been exposed to STDs what do you exactly do? Is going to your GP the right thing or do you go into a clinic, say your JOHN SMITH and get tested that way? And does that even work?

And if your family doctor is your wife's doctor is that going to put the doctor in a difficult position?

I will look at some no contact examples and ponder that. Yes, your totally right about her turning this back on me and the trickle truth. I wonder if there are any people who can report that they got the truth up front and didn't have to hear it in drips and drabs?

BTW I've set up a date to talk to someone so I will have at least some relief from this ready to burst thing I'm going through.

Has anyone heard of B.A.N. and does that help? In your opinion...
 
#30 ·
Ok - a rant and maybe this is just because I'm a older dude. I have to scratch my head on things like PA. I think "Public Address" then it clues in P.hysical A.ffair. Correct? I'm baffled why not just say "sex" or whatever?
Because the PA is a culmination of the EA. First, they've given their hearts to the OM in the EA, then the give their body in the PA. It's still an affair, either way. But for some, a PA makes the difference between R or D. My deal breaker is the PA.

If you think you might have been exposed to STDs what do you exactly do? Is going to your GP the right thing or do you go into a clinic, say your JOHN SMITH and get tested that way? And does that even work?
It's embarassing to say the least. Which ever is less embarassing for you.

And if your family doctor is your wife's doctor is that going to put the doctor in a difficult position?
No it shouldn't. Doctor-Patient confidentiality and HIPA rules apply. They're used to that. Just like your doctor wouldn't be able to tell you about her medical history or even if she went to see him.

I will look at some no contact examples and ponder that. Yes, your totally right about her turning this back on me and the trickle truth. I wonder if there are any people who can report that they got the truth up front and didn't have to hear it in drips and drabs?
Very rarely have I ever seen a WS give full disclosure without any proof from the BS. It's usually when the BS has all the evidence that the WS can't TT their way out of it.

We've been married more then 20 years and she hasn't been known to lie to me before so this IS really hard to accept.
Yes it is, VERY. I thought my own fWW was the most honest person on earth and would never lie to me too. We survived my military career, all the shift work, deployments, etc, etc,. Yet in the 20th year of our marriage, all it took for her to cheat was reconnecting with an old HS boyfriend on facebook. Then I got the whole "I swear to God", "God is my witness", etc, denials. The evidence showed otherwise.

You need to get over this embrassment and denial, sooner, rather than later.
 
#23 ·
Ok, I rarely clink on peoples links. I guess I've gone to too many sites selling some rubbish. So... I clicked on a few links and crap-o-mighty.... The The Betrayed Spouse (BS) Script. This is like reading myself in a Fing mirror. The bad thing is that this is like knowing your Airplane is going to crash. What do you do? Your still going to crash. I guess the one thing is to know that this depression stage is a normal part of this and do whatever you can to not let it roast your brain. The Bill of rights thing is all very well done but you know what? Denial (even reading this!!!) is still a problem. Is that insane or what?

Sheesh.......
 
#35 ·
My sister is a marriage therapist and tells me that frequently she has one spouse tell her in private individual session that they are in an affair, yet they deny it in couples therapy. In the USA the therapist is prohibited from revealing anything said in private, so she cannot tell the betrayed spouse that his wife is lying right there in couples therapy! Really a @#$%y position to put a therapist in.

X-unknown, I understand that you want some kind of solid information on the affair. You may or many not get it. I think it is just as important to consider what your boundaries are outside of a physical affair. For example, are you willing to put up with partial trust? Do you need full complete open access to her electronic communications? What if she is still in an EA now? What if she starts acting secretive in the future, what will you accept?

It is too easy to zero in on the sex as the deal breaker. It leaves you in limbo when you don't know for sure. The other factors are really every bit as important in terms of being able to have a loving trusting strong marriage relationship.

Most important is to trust your gut and to not give in to fear.
 
#37 ·
Hi Thor and others.

Thor - I didn't know this about therapists not being able to "talk across the board" in couples therapy. I am thinking now about the suggestion that was made to make it truly "co" therapy. RIght now its her therapy for couples that I'm "invited to" I guess. Maybe the therapist is trying to find an angle to be allowed to fill me in? Or does it still work that way? Sheesh I'm sounding paranoid to myself right now.

To everyone I appreciate the advise (Honest) but I guess I'm not too keen on moving along faster and doing what you wished you had done or whatever. Am I freaked out? Damn straight. I think the problem is that we are not on the right page. I think that everyone is assuming that sex is the only deal breaker. For me (anyway) no! The Emotional Affair is right up there. This may sound totally chick like but if she had a one night stand with some random guy it would be awful but I think it could be solvable. The EA *And one that went into stealth mode when I said "This makes me really uncomfortable." That has me more uptight. So, for those who keep pestering me to put voice recorders under her seat or rewire her cell phone please stop. BTW maybe its the lack of "tone" in text but some of you guys are sounding really angry that I'm not acting the way you would or think I should. I'm sorry about your problems and how they turned out - whatever... but please f off. I don't need this.

I don't really have to find more "truth" to be uptight. It doesn't have to be "worse" to cross my line. Right now I think more bad news on this will (really) just make my head explode. Depression which is talked about as one of the stages is where I'm at and I'm talking the clinical kind *See a doctor get on some meds and do some talk therapy.

Getting a handle on that is my "plan" before I go forward.
 
#38 ·
Well, the fact that he is local and this EA has been going on for a while means that it was likely PA. However, that is not your deal breaker and you do not want to snoop either. So, I guess that you just keep working on your marraige with help of counselor and try love depositing as much as possible. Someday when things have settled down a bit and your feel your footing is solid, you may ask for more details of A from her.

For now, just stay in the course, and try plan A. Good luck with you.
 
#39 ·
X-unknown,
My wife of 15 years had an affair too.

My gut was telling me there was something wrong. I went into detective mode. I found out by looking at the Cell phone bills. I confronted her and she admitted that they were friends and she liked talking to him but nothing more. She absolutely denied anything emotional or physical. It had been going on for 3 months. I demanded NC or I would D her...she agreed. That was in August 2009.

In January 2011 I noticed she was acting strange again....back to detective mode. I got into her facebook and noticed messages from the same guy that were fairly new. I put a GPS tracker on her car and guess what? within 2 weeks...hotel!

I confronted again. This time she said it was an EA and they went there to talk because she knew I suspected...really? She adamantly denied it was physical. Remember, this was a woman who I was married to for almost 15 years and we have 3 children together. I NEVER, repeat NEVER thought she would cheat on me or even lie to me. She was still lying to me even when I had good proof.

To make a long story short, I contacted the OM's wife to inform her. It turns out she new more then I did in fact, she sent me thousands of messages between my WW and OM that she got from his computer. Wow...Excruciating!

Their affair had never stopped. It turns out it was just a EA the first time I found out. She lied about NC, took it underground with her Smart phone and within 4 months it was a full blown PA. It went on for another year before I found out the second time.

The point I am trying to make is cheaters, even previously honest spouses can change into someone you never thought they were. Affairs are like an addiction to them. Some will not stop and will lie through their teeth to protect themselves, their affair partner, and you from the truth.
 
#40 ·
We've been together a long time (Even longer then you) so that adds to making this difficult to believe.

I really don't know what to think about all this. I believe that she has been untruthful already but her admitting it in anyway has been impossible. When I've called her on things I know (such as her Cell phone bill) I don't get a yes, or no I get silence or claims of ignorance. The addiction comment has my attention. I've known she has a problem with that for a long time but...

I think I may have an incredible capacity for self delusion or everything IS really as she has said in therapy. I'm praying (for real) that this nightmare ends. *Or the meds kick in...

On the GPS tracker. She actually said something to the effect that maybe I need to put one in her car. I really didn't know what to say at that point thinking she was trying to prove she wasn't up to anything but? I really don't know. Seeing a professional might help me get a clear idea (Other then to deal with the Depression / anxiety stuff. I've never been keen on drugs but right now I'm happy to have them keep me from going more insane over this junk.

She has told me that she is afraid to "talk" because she is worried how I will respond and its only sinking in now that it may not be because we have communications issues - it might just be the content. AKA what exactly she has to say.

I can't remember where I heard this but the quote goes something like this.
"There is a certain freedom in being totally screwed. It means that nothing you do is going to make it any worse." At least thats how I feel right now.

Anyway thanks for the input. I think the addiction comment truly explains the inability she had (Has?) in letting this EA go.
 
#41 ·
The reason people use keyloggers on computers, Var's, phone/text bills etc. is not to spy but verify. People in a EA/PA lie,100%. Your in a situation where you have no idea whats going on and the most important thing is to stop the madness is get to the truth.

Your in a war with the other man, whether you like it or not, and alls fair in love and war. You can hide or come out and fight but its your choice.
 
#44 ·
You can ignore the posts that you don't agree. Even the snooping advices are born out of experiences of such needs, which have been proven time and time again valid. It's not just for the "proof", but so that you know what is exactly going on behind your back.

Anyway, you come across rude and stubborn. Is this the side of you your W has been enduring all these years?
 
#47 ·
Wow.... so..... your saying this is my fault? Great... I think everyone likes to hear "Listen to me - if you don't listen to me - I'm done with you" I think men dealing with cheating wives want to hear that its their fault. Don't you wish your doctor, friends, parents etc all said that kind of thing to you? I also love the advise that therapy is a waste of time. For real? Really?

I'm quite sure that I have been screwed over by my wife of 20+ years with this guy. Again - I've snooped already. I have the phone records and her admission that this went too far. Do I need to know more? Right now I need to know I'm not going to have a stroke over this. I'm not far from the D-Day" and I'm (honestly) seriously flipping my wig. - like give me drugs so I don't drop dead level stuff. I know that some of you just were tough macho types and said, "Lawyer up *****" and got a D and moved on - no sweat. Great... Good for you. I've already been there and done that. And no - it wasn't because I was a rude jerk or angry etc.

My point is that I'm in a bad bad place and this is knowing what I already know. I'm pretty sure getting more info is not going to be good for me at this time.

One person said to take care of yourself and that advice has really helped. The other advice that I truly value was "make a plan" and I have. It involves taking care of myself first so I can do anything else. For me it means couples therapy *Which is where this came out and it was the efforts of the therapist that made it happen or at least helped. A plan that says "Keep going with what has worked" seems to me like at least a fair plan. Right? Wrong? I'm probably a bit older (And crabbier) then most of you and I'm not in super good shape health wise. So, the other part of my plan was the take care of yourself first suggestion so - I've talked this over with my Doc and with the Doc's help I'm not worrying that I'm going to croak from thinking about this over and over and over. The advice I got from the Doc (Who says this is not uncommon - and they have dealt with this many times) has been good. The doc btw didn't tell me "Do this or I'm done with you" Which I think was very professional. The doc didn't tell me that this was my fault either.

Whatever you want to suggest or demand from me. In the end this is my life and my problem. Ok? If you gents feel so strongly that I'm wrong? Ok, but don't expect me to love hearing that this is my fault and how much I'm a waste of your time because I don't do this like you want.

I came to learn what others have - but I haven't signed an oath to do it.

Most of you have been nice and a valued resource. I think that some of you think you have all the answers and know everything about this situation (and us) from reading a few posts. I think some of the posts have been arrogant and rude. So I responded. If you don't like the thread or how I react to your posts? Or me saying "F off?" maybe thats harsh and maybe none of you use the "F" word. but why are those of you who don't want to waste your valuable time with my little problem interested in spending your valuable time posting me that you are done wasting your valuable time with me? Do you seriously think that will help someone in this situation? I can't imagine why you would read this thread if your not interested in supporting people who are going through things that have happened to you.

Honestly - if you were in my position how would you feel? If there wasn't a lot of really good information from some of you I would have been long gone from this forum already. Yeah I know. Don't let the door hit me in the ass when I leave...

Crap - once again I'm not saying this well and it probably is just offending more of you. I'm sorry. This is major league stress (And totally unexpected btw) and for added fun its combined with a lot more stress from other directions I haven't mentioned.
 
#45 · (Edited)
Well it's a shame that you feel that way. The VAR and spy stuff is really only a verification tool. It's used to see if in fact the affair has stopped. Which many...many...most do not.

The people here are trying to save you time and energy...because all the couples therapy, talking it out, working on things isn't worth the darn if the affair is still going on.
 
#46 ·
You got valuable and useful advice, which was aimed at learning the full extent of what you are up against. Just like a car mechanic must find the problem before they can begin to fix things, you need to arm yourself with knowledge.

Yes you get told to use tools, and yes these same tools get told to most people who come here saying they think or know there SO is doing something outside the boundaries of marriage and are not beng honest. So you get told about what tools have been found to work and how to use them.

After you actually know where the cancer lies you then can step up and get advice on cutting it out.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top