X-unknown

A quick history. Our marriage (20+ years) has been a bit neglected. Lots of stress and crisis (Finance, Kids etc) Our sex life went to rare and lots of feelings of mutual rejection (That we learned in Couples Therapy)

One of the revelations in couples therapy is her long term Emotional affair.

When my gut started telling me that things were not right I checked the cell bill (Way too late btw) and the "just a friend" started looking like a lot more with the volume of calls. Anyway, she was not forthcoming until the therapist called her out and even then it wasn't a big deal until I confronted her with the cell info. Now, its "I didn't have any idea it was that often" I feel a bit guilty for snooping but I also feel like a sap for not having clued into this long ago. I also regret telling her about how I know this because I suppose she can phone from work or pick up one of those pay as you go phones. *Which worries me.

Anyway our rarely sexual relationship went to mega active. That ought to feel great but I get the nagging feeling it might be a mask so that we don't deal anymore with the "just a friend" topic. Speaking of which I'm reading a book by that title and the examples all look like matches for whats going on with us.

I guess the snooping thing and how others are dealing with EAs would be of great interest.

Entropy3000

The concept of complete transparency covers the snooping. You have a right to validate your trust. So oput that away and don;t bring that up again.

Moving on. She must go complete NC immediately with her affair partner. It must verifiable. You are under no obligation to divulge how you found out anything. If she knows how you know then she can counter that.

Hysterical bonding can happen for a number of reasons and not all good. Sometimes it means her affair has gone to a PA and she is just turned on and you are there. Or not. I will leave that for other to comment on.

This is the first time I have heard on this forum of a MC calling out someone for thier EA. Excellent.

HerToo

I had an EA, and left my phone where my wife decided to look at it one day. I was caught from what she saw. There was no way to lie with it right there for all to see. Now I'm an open book.

I have to admit that since then, sex with her has increased. I feel bad because it's not romantic sex. It's just sex. Doesn't feel right.

X-unknown

Verifyable? Exactly how? Right now I'm seeing long calls to "unknown" show up on her bill... SIGH

Shaggy

It's still fully active. The increased sex is her compensating by trying to lull you by giving you lots of sex. Not uncommon fin affairs, unfortunately.

You've called her on the EA. has she committed to ending it? Does she admit to it?
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Geoffrey Marsh

I would watch her actions closely...the sex thing could swing either way so this is not a good indicator of good/bad.

Judge solely on what you can verify 100%!

These "unknown" calls need to be vetted out right away.

There can be no wiggle room when it comes to no-contact...she either does it or fails to do it...no grey area.

She might be trying to rug sweep with this increase is sexual activity....be careful that you do not allow this to happen.

If the OM has a wife you need to expose the affair to her.

__________________
Best wishes,
GM

If you would like more help, check out my blog: http://myspousecheated.blogspot.com
My Story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ways-hope.html

chapparal

Where is she calling from? Buy voice activated recorders (cheap) from walmart Best Buy. Use velcro and hide one under her car seat. Places in the home where she might talk like the bathroom.

Keylogger on computer may also be helpful.

Be prepared for hearing some ugly stuff however.



Sorry your here, good luck.

Lyn

Don't let her get away with anything. If she wants to stay married, she needs to respect you and herself and come clean. She may be in denial, but the only one she is kidding is herself.

Best,

Lyn

Arnold

What makes you think this was strictly non-physical?

X-unknown

I considered the lots of sex = some kind of "lets get your mind off this topic" or else it doesn't make a lot of sense. I think not having a good sexlife was a significant part of this EA biz. Feeling rejected and a little bit of anger over some of the stuff. *Not tonight I have a headache and a zillion other reasons. I got to the point where I went from hurt to angry to whatever...

Yes, she admitted it. We were doing couples therapy and the therapist asked her and she said "maybe" and then said it was an EA but has continued denying got sexual. I guess thats common and that the truth take a long time to come out. Someone called it the "Trickle Truth"

Has she committed to ending it? Yes, but I've asked her more then once (Before this admission) to stop this and she avoided responding (and kept it up) A while after the therapy session she told me she would stop contact and I thought she would but.... Anyway, I really knew this was crossing lines for a long time. Was she having a sexual affair? I am totally split on this. There are times I think she is being truthful and there are times I've assumed it was sexual. Its really driving me crazy. *Like see a doctor level crazy. One of the problems is that I really have no one but her (And the therapist) to talk to.

X-unknown

I guess I'm answering this twice but I have her saying its not. I guess even if its not a sexual thing the EA is bad enough. I do 180s a lot on if I believe her. I've had a number of clues that there is something she is not being truthful about but thats a gut feeling not any facts.

Truth be told I'm kind of freaked out about finding out. Right now I've gotten to the point that I'm handling the EA (Assuming its over) but I think adding in sex makes this into a much more difficult issue. I think we could still move forward but I'm a little worried that I it might make me explode.

X-unknown

Thanks I'm sorry I have to be here but I'm happy to have a place to "talk it out" so to speak. I have no idea where she does the phoning from all I know is that when I first made some noises about this "friend" biz bothering me she made the phone calls when I wasn't home. Kind of awful stuff.... Hearing ugly stuff doesn't sound good at all. Ugh I hate this...

We are both working crappy jobs so buying equipment like that is probably out.

aug

Voice activated recorder are fairly cheap. Probably can get one for $40?

Couples therapy dont work if your wife is still continuing the affair. She'll use the therapy as a cover.

lordmayhem

The most important thing right now for you is to ensure that the affair is over, and for that, she MUST go NC with her OM. Whether it's an EA or PA is secondary until the affair is over, that's for making a decision to R or not and to get tested for STDs. Although you can't prove it, she has refused to go NC with OM, that in itself tells you how little she respects you and the marriage.

Does she have a smart phone? If so, if its an iPhone, you can get iPhone Backup Extractor to check the backup logs, this will tell you what numbers she's calling and texting. If its an Android phone or a phone using the Android OS, you will have to get cell phone monitoring software like Mobile Spy or Mobiflex to check. You can get a VAR for $40 at Wal Mart or Best Buy, or whatever your local electronics store is. Yes, you're both working crappy jobs right? So how much is your marriage worth? Can you put a price tag on that?

MC is shown to be worthless while one partner is actively in the affair. MC is for when the both of you are trying to reconcile and committed to it.

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Geoffrey Marsh

This is very true...from what I can glean from your remarks it sounds like the EA is a lot deeper than she is putting on.

I would suggest you take a step back from the entire situation for awhile and get yourself squared away. That means take time to center yourself emotionally, spiritually and mentally before you make anymore decisions at all. IE: Take care of yourself first!

In my opinion...the worst thing that happens to victims is the relentless roller coaster of lies. Waywards twist and turn you in so many directions its hard to tell which way is up. Couple this with the pain of betrayal and you find yourself loosing your mind. It is so very important to step out of the madness and regain your focus.

The only thing you really need to be doing at this point is:

1. Taking care of yourself
2. Declare a no-contact rule..via letter.
3. Monitor your wife.


Other than that, I wouldn't be doing anything else.

__________________
Best wishes,
GM

If you would like more help, check out my blog: http://myspousecheated.blogspot.com
My Story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ways-hope.html