I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-17-2011, 08:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

We have been married for almost 8 years now. About five years ago I began working as a recruiter for the Marine Corp. At that point, recruiting was an extremely stressful profession. I had to work extremely long hours every day of the week, rarely going home before 11 pm, for the first nine moths or so. I allowed myself to become entirely committed to being 'successful' at work. I allowed it to take priority over my wife and our kids. She became depressed, and I didn't really even notice, much less make myself available to help her. I knew that she felt ignored, but I spent every moment I could sitting with her on the couch, after work, and watching TV until I fell asleep. I didn't take the time then to notice that was not nearly enough for her. Once recruiting ended, I promised her it would be better. It finally did, and things didn't really get better. I continued to hurt her, without knowing what was wrong. (I now completely understand not only that I was hurting her, but also how bad our communication was, and still is.) I can due for a seven month deployment to the middle east. I know that raising the kids, by herself, can get extremely stressful. When she asked if I cared if she went out for I girls night, I told her to go and have fun. Every time she asked, I said go. I never wanted her to go out. Not that I didn't trust her, I just felt that it was a little disrespectful. It got to the point that she wanted to take a weekend out with the girls. I fearlessly agreed. She would later tell me that she was interpreting my permission as apathy for our marriage. That weekend is when she had the physical affair. About two months later, she told me over the phone that when I got home she was going to move in with her friend. This was about 5 weeks before I can back to the US. About a week later, she told me about the affair. When she told me, she explained that was the reason that we couldn't be together. I had about a month to deal with this before coming home. One counselor I spoke to suggested that us living apart was a horrible idea, and the only way to fix this was to live in the same house. I explained that to her, and she reluctantly agreed. Once I got home, things started to fall apart, almost immediately. She told me that she needed space and time to work on herself. She told me that me being at her house was another example of me manipulating her, and putting things on my terms. I have been home for a little over a week, and expect to move in with a friend tomorrow. I basically started the majority in the 180 rules two days ago, and actually read them today. Since then she has become very angry with me. Prior to them, I was moping around the house, telling her I loved her regularly, giving her hugs, basically pleading for her to take me back and allow me to stay with her. She showed me no emotion what so ever. She has told me that she has forgiven me for the way I treated her. She has since told me that she is still very angry about it. I am ready to forgive her for what she did, and I want nothing more than to fix our marriage. I am completely clueless of the proper path to take. Please lend some advice!
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Old 10-17-2011, 08:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

It takes a very strong and comitted woman to deal with a husbands military career. They are rare who can do it well.

First off, a girls night out is fine, but not a girls night out with other men. Is that what happened? If so, you knew she was going out to be with other men?

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-17-2011 at 09:13 PM.
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Old 10-17-2011, 09:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

Thank you for the quick reply.

I knew that she would be going to a bar, and that she was going with her girlfriends. She has told me that there never was a relationship with the guy, it was basically a one night stand.

She is a very strong woman, she is also very committed, once her mind is made up. Unfortunately for me, she has made up her mind about divorce.

Since her confession, she has told me several other reasons for divorce, including that she doesn't trust that I will not hurt her again, by ignoring her; and that while I was away, she became a person taut she was happy with (prior to the infidelity) and she won't allow herself to go back to the sad, depressed person that she was while I was recruiting, and after.
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Old 10-17-2011, 09:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

Don't kick yourself Jimbob, my wife did the same thing. Shes the one doing the wrong and puts the blame on me to make her feel better about what she is doing. I've heard all kinds of excuses about why we won't ever work it out (didn't spend enough time with her, didn't do this didn't do that, my fault my fault my fault). No matter what i say, she would find a way to turn it around on me. I feel what your going through because i've been going through the same thing for the past month. Its a hard thing to go through, just stay strong brother.
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Old 10-17-2011, 09:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

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Originally Posted by JimBob View Post
Thank you for the quick reply.

I knew that she would be going to a bar, and that she was going with her girlfriends. She has told me that there never was a relationship with the guy, it was basically a one night stand.

She is a very strong woman, she is also very committed, once her mind is made up. Unfortunately for me, she has made up her mind about divorce.

Since her confession, she has told me several other reasons for divorce, including that she doesn't trust that I will not hurt her again, by ignoring her; and that while I was away, she became a person taut she was happy with (prior to the infidelity) and she won't allow herself to go back to the sad, depressed person that she was while I was recruiting, and after.
Well that does not sound like remorse then. Let her go. That sux. Take care dude. No kids?
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Old 10-17-2011, 10:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

Two beautiful kids.

I've asked her about her apparent lack of remorse, and only gotten the 'I'm not going to be that weak person I was' lecture. I think she really is remorseful, but is being to da**ed stubborn to allow anyone to see it.
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Old 10-17-2011, 10:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

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Two beautiful kids.

I've asked her about her apparent lack of remorse, and only gotten the 'I'm not going to be that weak person I was' lecture. I think she really is remorseful, but is being to da**ed stubborn to allow anyone to see it.
I have seen this play out time after time while I was in the Navy ...
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Old 10-17-2011, 10:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

Or maybe she is just being hard nosed?
Man! Looks like two peas in a pod here? She seems to be unforgiving and has no soft place in her heart. You can let her ride high and see if she makes it or come to her level and be more considerate,interested, slow down and realize that marriage isn't all mechanics and doing the thing your trained mind deems the best. Sorry guy,but you may have to re-learn relationships that are not military or mechanical. O rmaybe I have misunderstood your words.
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Old 10-17-2011, 11:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

My heart is breaking for you JimBob!! Please know that you are not alone, and that there are lots of helpful people on here. Maybe try posting in the "general" section, it might get more replies.

~TemperToo aka sis
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Old 10-18-2011, 09:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I love my wife, and I think she hates me for it.

i have been going through a very similar situation for the past 6 months. there will be nothing easy about it. i am not a military person but i just was not there. i was completely oblivious to everything. i really thought i was doing good. well i got knocked the f**k out. i am really sorry that you r going through this. i have some advise but if i could just fix it for u i would. i know the hurt and it is no fun. just try to be strong for urself and your kids. put yourself and your kids first. someone actually asked me to come back to this sight so i could give u some advise. they know my situation very well and know the things i have been dealing with. so please ask anything of me and i will do what i can. someone very special to me.....
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