discarded1975

I have posted before about my H living with a woman he barely knew...we had been separated since late May,and I knew that his reunion with her just 10 days before our separation was her trying to "get" him from the jump. He came home a week ago...insists his "friendship" with her is over...she even texted me that day and told me "He's not lying...I'm not holding on...I'm sorry for my part in hurting you...He is where he wants to be"...They both insist this was an old friend helping a friend through a difficult time,and that there was never any sexual contact...I told her it bothered me that he stayed with her and never paid a nickel..and she said just a friend helping a friend...when I asked that there was no relationship EVER like he claims...her response was "Stop questioning where you are and what you have..it's not healthy"...I wanna say "Thank you Dr.*****bag for your advice"..but how do I deal with the fact the images are worse than what is claiming to have happened...if there was "no love and no sex"..what is she not holding on to?? We go to counseling,he claims dedication to me and to our family,that he does not love her and lived 20 years without her,he can live the rest of his life without her...He blames her and says she wanted more,and when he realized that she did..he came home and realized how foolish he has been...Thoughts? Advice?

DanF

He's full of crap.
For some reason they broke up, so he's coming back to you.

Full disclosure, nothing hidden, lay it all out. Tell him he has one chance or it's over.

Oh, and don't let him back in until he agrees to your conditions.

TRy

He hit you before he moved out in May just because you spoke the truth about her. Why did you let him move back in a week ago? Why do you pretend that him hitting you is only a small issue when it should be the main issue?

He hits you leaves to move in with her and then moves back when he feels like it. My advice is to stop being a doormat.

discarded1975

He was asked to leave by me for the physical abuse...did not go live with her right away...only stayed with her for about a month...he has said in counseling that he was invited to stay with her,and at first refused...we had reunited...then we had another falling out(no physical abuse) and neither one of us at that point thought we were gonna make it.She offered...she is still married to her husband...they both claim there was nothing and that I freaked (agreed it was deservedly so)...but they both agreed their time had long passed and that he chose me as his wife and that she was using him to a degree...getting back at her husband,loneliness,thought he was going to "fall for her",I don't know...She admittedly even tried to shower him with expensive gifts and tried to beg him to be with her,and he said "I am going home and we can't be friends because you want something I never did.I needed a friend and while pretending to be my friend,you were trying to replace my wife."
Am I leery? Yes...Is the betrayal of knowing he had a puppy on a string and a backup plan?...Yes. I will verify for a while as I know it is a stage of recovery either way,but I know him very well and want to trust what he's telling me,especially because she confirms it...what good is it to her to tell me he's telling the truth if she still has an agenda that has proven to be a failure?

Lovebug501

You probably won't listen... but if there was physical abuse at all, you need to get out.

You know, deep in your heart, that both are lying. Who knows what her motivation is to lie? Maybe she wanted to get "revenge" on her husband and now that she is done using him, she will lie for him so that she doesn't have to deal with him anymore. He can go back to you and she doesn't have to deal with the stress of a nasty breakup and she can tell her husband the same lie, but in reverse... "he wanted more, but I didn't, so I sent him packing" and use the evidence that he is back with you to show that it's over.

Likely, he moved in and the fantasy of each other was destroyed and reality sucked. Neither wants the other and both wants their marriages back - but that doesn't mean either will stop looking for greener grass. Especially if he knows that he can just tell you that nothing happened and you will believe it.

Deep down, do you really believe that he could LIVE with another woman for any period of time, especially one that he was having an EA with and NOT have it turn physical?

discarded1975

I am listening...and believe me that I do appreciate advice or I would not have asked for any...I know in my soul they are lying...I just want the truth and want to move on from this...He is not getting off "scott free" without giving me answers,and I intend to bring this to the forefront at this week's counseling session. I don't care what she tells her husband,as I wrote to him already and told him what was going on before H ever came home...there's a chance at least he can see her for what she is,and get out and stay out. As far as "living" together...she works days...he works nights...he was over here from the crack of dawn until time to leave for work...they rarely saw each other,and were "two ships passing in the night"...he slept on the sofa and neither of them wanted her 18 year old son who frequently visits to get the "wrong idea"...they tried to go out socially to a bar across the street from her home,and that didn't turn into anything but a disaster because they ran into people we know,who reported everything to me...and my understanding is that is what makes an A exciting is the secrecy and not having the kibosh put on a good time by publicly exposing the "relationship"...I am still weighing my options and know I cannot be blind to everything,especially my "woman's intuition"...

CH

Wait, he stayed over at her place during the night when her husband was working and nothing ever happened? And then he had her text you to tell you that nothing happened between them and it was strictly just a friendship?

You know how unbelievable that story sounds right?

I seriously think you should rethink taking him back, especially with the abuse issue.