Wife Cheated and so full of guilt
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-17-2008, 12:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

I cheated on my husband about a year ago with an exboyfriend. If it wasn't for the ex I would've just been miserable in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 7 years before I cheated and moved out. I left him and relocated to another city (with ex-boyfriend). Before contemplating on moving out or cheating I made it clear to my husband that he wasn't fulfilling my needs. He would just want to have sex and then roll over and go to sleep. We don't have the same interest in anything i.e. movies or music. I love to travel and he just always feel like there is no money to do anything. I worked 2 jobs for 4 years and we created a lot of debt. We put our money together for everything but of course working 2 jobs I was the breadwinner which was fine. My husband created more debt when he said he would find extra work and never did. So the bottom line everything fell on me financially. So eventually I moved out of the house for 6 months. The ex called my husband and told him we lived together. Realizing that my husband wasn't so bad after living with the ex I decided to come back home. My husband was very angry with me he wouldn't look at me. Now one year later we still continue to sleep in different rooms. We signed divorced papers 4 months ago but I haven't filed them until about a week ago. I think i'm more hurt than anything to think that my husband really didn't love me or care enough to make the marriage work. He admitted to sleeping with other women and he blames it on me starting this whole thing first going outside of the marriage. So a part of me feels like we need a divorce because we have nothing in common and he's not working on trying to rebuild. I scheduled an appointment for counseling but my husband made it seem like he forgot we had an appointment. Also to date I pay the big bills in the house and when my husband say he if he's going to get extra money he will help out with taxes or maintenance in the house but when the money come in he never puts me first and always say the money went fast. So a part of me don't want to divorce and a part of me feels like why am I holding on to something that isn't there. What should I do? I moved out on my exboyfriend while he was at work he was verbally abusive. He begs me everyday to please come back and how he misses me. I still travel a couple of times a month to go see him because I feel like why stay in the house with my husband who doesn't know I exist or who doesn't come home a couple of times a week.
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Old 12-17-2008, 01:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

If I were you I would move out on my own and do for myself. Even though you did wrong to your husband... doesn't mean you have to sit and let him do whatever.

I wouldn't be with either. If your husband doesn't want to try stop waisting both of your time. If the ex is verbally abusive don't run back to him. You can be happy with neither... you will probably be happier than ever.

Blah I'm blabbin

Good Luck!
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Old 12-17-2008, 02:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

Thanks for your response. I'm definitely not going back to the ex I was traumatized by that whole situation. I know the ex is trying everything in his power to get me back with him. Everyone pretty much know verbal abuse will eventually lead to physical abuse. The house isn't selling now due to the market. I feel like my husband won't leave because he has it pretty good financial wise. He know as long as I'm in the house I will do whatever in my power to keep a roof over MY HEAD. So you think I'm probably better off signing the divorce papers and being done with the marriage? My thing is he's not going to move so we might as well stay married if we are going to be under the same roof. What are your thoughts?
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Old 12-17-2008, 03:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

Well I would hold off on filing the papers until your house is sold. If yall can work it out between then great! but if not I would file the papers.

Waiting until the house is sold will be smart because being divorced and living under the same roof will just bring unwanted drama.
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Old 12-17-2008, 04:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

Overall the situation isn't bad just awkard. Still feel like we have some control over each other lives by seeing when we come and go. I know you are not a profressional therapist and I appreciate your feedback.. One my question for you. Do you think that I should completely stop seeing the ex and just focus on getting me together right now. Though I'm many miles away from friends and family I do get a little lonely. My husband have his friends and family here that he can go see and I'm assuming when he stays out some nights he's seeing someone else. do you think it's still wrong of me to continue seeing my ex or anyone until this situation has completely dissolved? Appreciate your feedback..
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Old 12-17-2008, 04:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

If you go see your ex go see him because YOU WANT TO!! Not because you think your husband is with someone or he is the only one you can see.

Thats settling.. don't do that. Its just a temporary fix.

Once you get yourself together you will learn that you are really the only company you need if your lonely... eh I'm blabbin

You get what I'm trying to say though?
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Old 12-17-2008, 05:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

this is going to sound like im about to trash you and im trying to be very impartial but did you ever think maybe your husband doesnt say anything to you for fear of getting close to you again so maybe this time you can go out an have an affair with someone else?? it kills me to think that for one minute right now all your thinking about is yourself thank god theres no kids involved from what i read why do you for the love of god ask your husband whats bothering him? you might be surprised i think it might be the fact you betrayed him? i dont know just my guess? not trying to spit in your face its just sometimes we all have to take responsibilty for are actions
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Old 12-17-2008, 05:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

Going to see my ex would be just for my satisfaction only. He's fun and we have a lot in common just that the verbal abuse is no longer for me. But I totally agree once I get myself together I don't need anyone to complete me.

Responding to the other person. I took full responsibility for my actions. I went and apologized to my husband for going outside of the marriage when I should've been stronger and he laid in bed the whole time while I was speaking to him with his eyes closed. I also initiated doing counseling again and scheduling an appointment at my expense but he conveniently forgot there was an appointment and never ever asked for it to be rescheduled. So I took responsibility and also tried to make it better. Anything my husband say I can't believe or trust that he is doing it out of love and honesty. Anytime my husband say anything to me now and when I left it always had to do with me giving him MONEY.

I betrayed him and he betrayed me so we can both make it right but I won't continue to let him play the victim. He has to be accountable as well and like I said if I talk to him he thinks everything is fine just like when I didn't betray him he never understood we had issues. He's the one not being accountable oh and did I mention this is his 3rd marraige. My first. I'm just saying when your wife comes to you and say she's unhappy lets work it out I would get my act together especially knowing there's someone lurking around the corner. I am just carrying guilt because I should've handle it differently meaning not going outside of the marriage.
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Old 12-17-2008, 06:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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His 3rd marriage. So he was divorced when he started dating you?
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Old 12-17-2008, 10:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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He wasn't divorced she was out of state so before we got married he had to of course get the divorce. Yeap.
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Old 12-18-2008, 06:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I don't see the problem. Your a cheater married to a cheater. He was that way before you married him as I imagine you were. My question is, why do you want to change you and the man you married into something neither of you are MONOGAMOUS. In fact why do you marry at all? Did you think that a piece of paper was going to somehow change the two of you into loving, caring, faithful partners? Oh I am sure you both have your reasons, stories and excuses for straying. He didn't fill this need or she didn't fill that need. Its not what your partner does/did that defines you. ITS WHAT YOU DO/DID THAT DOES.
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Old 12-18-2008, 12:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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They were spearated for years. DUH..
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Old 12-18-2008, 12:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Initfortheduration View Post
I don't see the problem. Your a cheater married to a cheater. He was that way before you married him as I imagine you were. My question is, why do you want to change you and the man you married into something neither of you are MONOGAMOUS. In fact why do you marry at all? Did you think that a piece of paper was going to somehow change the two of you into loving, caring, faithful partners? Oh I am sure you both have your reasons, stories and excuses for straying. He didn't fill this need or she didn't fill that need. Its not what your partner does/did that defines you. ITS WHAT YOU DO/DID THAT DOES.


To Now What:

Sorry but I fail to see where your taking any accountability for your own actions. You say you are full of guilt but is there any remorse? I'm not going to jump on the husbands bandwagon, but do you think just maybe he withdrew from you because you cheated and he had to find out from the ex? I suppose your also going to tell us that the ex just magically appeared right when you were having problems with your husband and what a convenience that he needed a roommate. Yep right.. What really blows my mind is that your still seeing the ex and that you think that is an appropriate relationship to have when your supposed to be trying to put your marriage back together. Did it ever occur to you that you need to be working over time on your marriage to salvage it?
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Old 12-18-2008, 12:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheated and so full of guilt

My telepathy is obviously not working today. Okay so after 7 years you cheated and then moved back with your exboyfriend, which sucked. So now you moved back in with your husband, he cheated and it sucks. Have you ever thought of striking out on your own. Working through your issues at I/C, developing communication skills and then finding someone you love who will love you in a healthy manner, instead of bouncing around in these dysfunctional relationships. Oh and by the way. Are you attracted to bad boys? In other words do you look for men who are angry, selfish users who treat you like ****? Do you look at a man who loves and cares for you, treats you well and is willing to commit himself completely to you as weak and boring? Just wondering.
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