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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-18-2011, 08:41 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

I was in an EA. My wife became aware. She intervened and saved our marriage. I love her no end for caring enough to hit me with the proverbial 2x4. I did not realize I was in an EA until I got through withdrawal. Then it was WTF was I thinking? The chemicals are strong.

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Old 10-18-2011, 09:15 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

I agree about not taking this abusive behavior your wife is spewing out.

However, I will caution you that when you draw the live in the sand and she appears to pull back from the brink and realize the error of her ways; that you verify, verify, verify.

A savvy cheating wife such as mine used the appearance of repair to take her affair into deep cover. She continued it for 8 years and hid that even longer.

All the while acting as if she was so glad she ended it and repaired things.

The level of hostility involved in doing that starts as your wife is doing.

Word to the wise.
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Old 10-18-2011, 09:21 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Hey reasonable---this woman according to her betrayed H---hates him, flaunts her A., etc., etc---what would you have him do---either her brings her to reality, with a swift kick in the you know what---or he puts D, on the table---SHE ISN'T RESPONDING TO ANYTHING ELSE---how long should he let her walk all over him

Others have told you what to do---its time to start taking care of yourself, and your kids, and let your wife have her lover, and live at his mama's house

Declare a seperation, and cut her off completely--let her lover support her----you buy what is necessary for the kids---take your wife, off all insurances, take away the car, and tell her since she wants to be free and independent--to go for it---with all that money SHE EARNS
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:12 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

LoveCloud,

Sorry your cheating wife enrolled you into the club that no one wants to join. You've been given great advice except for the one that wants you to engage in beta male behavior that will only prolong the agony of living in limbo and ultimately make things worse.

Your WW is practically rubbing the affair in your face for all to see, including family. Unfortunately for you, the OM is a loser who lives with parents and lost his job and family, so there is no one to expose the affair to.

What you need to do is go on the hard 180. If you need information on the 180, PM and I'll send it to you. The 180 is not a tool to manipulate your wife, it is a tool to empower you and help you detach, and get you ready to move on with life, with or without her.

What your WW is doing is what most WWs do, she is cake eating. She hates you, but wants the security of marriage, because she's a SAHM, but wants the freedom to screw her OM. Others have given you sound advice about cutting her off financially - she needs to feel the consequences of being in this affair. End any joint accounts, start separating yourself financially. Stop financing her affair. You can't make her move out, but you CAN make her sleep on the couch. This is your home, she is cheating in your face, make her leave the bedroom.

Its time to let her feeling the consequences for her bad behavior. Right now, you're in the hell of limbo; not heading toward D, but definitely not in R. It's time to move towards D. If you want R, then she has to come out of the fog. If she doesn't want to come out of the fog, then you have no choice. Otherwise you can live as a cuckold who is sharing his wife with an OM. The choice is yours.
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:17 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

I appreciate all the input, especially how quickly everyone has jumped in with opinions and suggestions to my dire life situation which, unfortunately, doesn't seem that different from most others. It's sad how consistently these stories follow the same script as the wayward wife allows herself to stay mired in the fog regardless of how many loved ones tell them they are acting differently and are not thinking rationally. Affection and adoration are strong drugs and tough to overcome in this situation.

To answer and clarify a few of the additional questions that have been asked...

All three of our kids are in school during the day so my wife does have free time on her hands, unfortunately. She is looking for a job but since she has been at home for the past 15 years, her experience is limited. She was previously an elementary school teacher so she is capable, but the job market is tight, and in my opinion, her mental acuity just isn't what it used to be (stupid wayward wife).

Our children (14, 11, and 6) don't know exactly what is happening, but they know that their mother sleeps on the sofa and isn't always home to put them in bed. Our 14 year old daughter has asked me several times if we were getting a divorce, and I've answered that I don't want that to happen and that her mother and I are working on some issues. The two younger boys are fairly oblivious and don't seem too concerned at all yet. They are all my biggest concern through all this though. She believes that the kids are young and resilient so while they may have an adjustment period, they'll be fine in the long run. She may be right, but I know that if we can develop a happy relationship together again, the kids would be even better.

I've been instructed by my attorney to not move money around at this point so if this does head towards divorce, her attorney won't be able to say I hid or redistributed money. That would make me look like I was trying to deceive her and the courts don't look favorably on that. My attorney suggests staying on the up and up, as this will give me a significant advantage especially given her continued unacceptable activities, which I log daily... it's a horrible list to review. That should give me an advantage when it comes to maintaining the house and more than 50% custody, if divorce is the path we take. I've filled out most of the legal paperwork as a precaution and to be prepared in case she actually does file herself, but I still consider that an absolute last resort.

I don't recall who mentioned it, but my crazed wife definitely feels that her loved ones (and me) telling her she is making a huge mistake only drives her closer to the other guy. He understands her. Yada, yada, yada. Since he is the only one telling her this a great choice, she eats up every word he says. It's such a fantasy world, I don't know how she doesn't recognize that.

I do agree and truly believe that at some point, she's going to realize her selfish choices have hurt more than just me (our kids, our families, our friends) and she'll come around, but I don't know how much longer I can withstand the torture her continued betrayal and vicious comments cause. This fog is such a powerful force and I can't figure out how to make her hit rock bottom if she refuses to move out of the house (guess we're both stubborn with that). She has her cake and she's eating it too. I realize that. I just don't want to leave the house that I've shared and maintained with her and the kids for the past 17 years, and per both our lawyers, we're both entitled to stay.

I'm going to do my best to hold out a little while longer, if at all possible, but I struggle so much when I know she is leaving to see him or when she doesn't come home from shopping for several hours and I know she's been with him somewhere. I'm really interested in knowing if anyone has any strategies or thoughts on what to say to her as she's leaving or when she returns from these escapades. I want her to feel guilty and remorseful for leaving both me and the kids for very selfish reasons, but she never seems to feel even a flicker of guilt.
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:49 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Like LordMayhem said, a real hard 180 or proceeding with D seems the only answer. What do you say to her when she leaves to see OM? I don't think there are any magic words you can say to make any difference really. If you say anything substantial, it would start a heavy dialogue about D and all, unless that's what you want.

For me, I would just say, "Have a good time with OM" for sarcasm, or "Are you seeing OM again?" to remind her what she's doing, or "Have you packed a condom?" to let her know you know she is having sex with him, or "Say Hi to your boyfriend.", or "Just don't get yourself pregnant", etc...

The bottom line, though, is you have to take an action. You can't let this impasse go on forever. Also, if I were you, I would let my oldest daughter know what's going on. 13 seems old enough to handle it. I know you want to protect your children, but if it comes to the point where you are about to start D, I think she should know why. After all, she is in this mess together, and her life will be terribly affected by her mom's actions anyway. Besides, she will figure it out herself pretty soon regardless.
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:14 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

ANYTHING you say at this point will fall on deaf ears at this point because she's so deep in the fog of the affair with the OM. To her, OM is the answer to all her dreams and they've adopted the "us against the world" attitude. So mere words aren't going to accomplish anything.

Part of the 180 says to not discuss the relationship, so don't. You can't make her do anything. You can't make her love you. You can't make her leave the OM. You simply can't control her. You can only control what you do. And that means start to detach and resolve any of your codependency issues. Just let her go. If she ends up running to the OM, there's nothing you can do about that because you lost her anyway. She has to come to the realization on her own that OM isn't really Mr. Wonderful, but just some loser wanting an easy lay because he destroyed his own life. That will only come once reality hits the affair.
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:14 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Some suggestions...

1. Dont have sex with her now. Her getting pregnant now would not be good for you.

2. You dont have to pay off her credit card that she uses to pay for her tryst. If you do, it could be seen as your encouragement of her adultery.

3. Take all the money you have and put it in a bank account in trust that you control. Only use it to pay your family's necessities. You hold strict control of the money. Be upfront about the money. Dont let her have a cent that can go towards the affair.

4. You need to show in your actions that you are not a continuous enabler of her adultery.

5. Make her get a job now. Any job.

6. If she doesnt like any of this, she can move out and stay with the OM.
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:25 AM   #24 (permalink)
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LoveCloud, we've seen this many times before on this forum, where the WS is completely unrepentant and unremorseful, and rubbing the affair in the face of the BS. When the WS has reached this point and is so deeply in the fog, the only alternative is to initiate drastic action. Talking with her only falls on deaf ears, and working on yourself is not going to be noticed or appreciated either. The OP, at this point in time, is their savior. Sorry that you're at this point. I hope you haven't gotten the "he's my soul mate" crap from her.
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Old 10-19-2011, 02:04 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Regarding the money issues, IANAL, but I believe community (or marital) expenses and debts can still be accumulated by both parties until divorce or legal separation is filed for. So if your attorney is telling you not to move money around but divorce hasn't been filed yet, perhaps you should get a second opinion. The point being first you don't need to be subsidizing the affair and second the possibility exists that she will strike first and clean the accounts out and max out the credit card. Sure you can get some money back down the road via court actions, but the key is ... down the road.
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Old 10-19-2011, 07:03 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Entropy3000... How did you get your epiphany that your EA was a mistake that you needed to stop? Was it simply your wife's discovery of it or was there something else that snapped you out of it? Definitely interested in your experience.


I'm going to start the hard 180 this morning and see where that leads. I've done the ignoring before (with the exception of kid related stuff), but only for a couple days in a row and it definitely does affect her. She's thrown it back in my face as me not wanted to save this marriage and this family even though I consistently tell her that's my goal. She says I have a horrible way of trying to show her I want to salvage anything. It's amazing how she can turn absolutely every little thing I say or do as the worst possible thing imaginable to her. It's currently a no-win situation... but I do plan to eventually win, somehow.

It's still baffling how this sweet and cheery person who has saved every birthday and anniversary card we've ever given to each other over the past 17 years (and actually, the 6 years prior to that too) could turn into this vicious and hateful person in such a short period of time. Ahh... the fog. Stupid wayward wife.
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Old 10-19-2011, 07:13 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Opening a new bank account isn't moving money around. Then quit putting money in joint account. Canceling credit cards isn't moving money around either.

At this point she's just rubbing it in your face. In her mind you are just the exremely stupid bad guy for financing her affair.

Doesn't sound like you've got much of a divorce lawyer. Find a junk yard dog type lawyer or your going to get raped.

Look up the 180

Filing divorce papers doesn't have to lead to divorce but can be called off at any time if she wakes up. She thinks she has you alltied up because you love her.

Let 14 yr old know, she can help you.
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Old 10-19-2011, 07:23 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Your situation is a perfect reason why we need to change the divorce laws.

I know in some states they (legislators) are looking at ideas or laws to better protect the spouse that is the victim of infidelity.

As it stands now, you have no legal recourse against the man having an affair with your wife. It sounds like this guy is a loser and has nothing to loose financially. If he did have money, I think he should loose something. It sounds like your heading down the divorce road. It is going to be very expensive.

You will end up picking up the tab for this destruction your wife and this other man caused. Stay calm, keep your emotions in check in front of her and the kids. Make sure your driving this bus. Do not let your wife start dictating the terms of your marriage.

Ask your wife to move out. Who knows, she may take you up on it. If she asks you say no. You move out, next thing you know the dirt bag moves in. Smart move getting the lawyer. It also sounds like you have family and the community on the right side, your side.

Good luck.
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Old 10-19-2011, 07:31 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReasonableMan View Post
Then cut her off all together so that she sees the reality of having to make a choice. Some people like this Dr. Harley approach and you can go to his site for that.
I've read some of the Dr. Harley articles - just mindfully read them. Most of the advice seems sound and common sense, but some, especially as is pertains to what men should do, is at best doormat like, at worst creepy. And with all due respect, 'being the best husband one can be' while the wife is flaunting an affair falls into the latter category, IMHO. IDK, being married to a woman (in all sense of being married, with intimacy) while she's having sex with another man . . . . 'gross' doesn't quite capture my emotion here. Sorry to be graphic but isn't this the reality of this advice?
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Old 10-19-2011, 08:07 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Consult with a divorce attorney with regards to obtaining a legal separation to protect the marital assets and your credit rating from being destroyed by your WW.

Like it or not, your WW at this moment IS your enemy and it is your duty to protect yourself and your children from her destructive behavior.
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