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Old 10-19-2011, 12:11 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

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Originally Posted by ArmyofJuan View Post
Its ironic that she is the one trying to end the marriage but wants to blame you. This is her way of manipulating you so you will continue to support her and her affair.

Change your tactics, tell her now you do want a divorce. This will take away her safety net. Tell her you no longer want to stay married to a someone that blatantly cheats and disrespects her family. She has given you no choice, you have to divorce her now.

She will NOT want this and it will start to make her panic when it sinks in.


Irony, she is cheating what does she expect? She screwed up and it should be HER job to fix things, not you. Cheating is a deal breaker in most relationships. You trying to be a better husband while she cheats is rewarding bad behavior.


You can win, tell her she is right about everything, its your fault she cheated so to make things right and for her own happiness, you will set her free by divorcing her.


Yup, they revert to a child-like state of selfishness. You basically have to treat them like a child.
DING-DING-DING-DING-DING!! We have a winner. Exactly. Take away the option of the stability you provide. Let her fall down.

Here's the thing - she will either panic and snap out of the fog, and slowly repent, OR, she will yell and scream and take you up on it, and leave for the OM. And that's totally okay. She is looking like a total ***** right now to the whole community seeing her in cars, talking to him at the games while you coach. The behavior is unconsionable (sp?). And everybody knows it, her family, etc. So she can live in the OM's mom's basement with the whole communitiy calling her a **** who abandoned her family, and you look like the victim. And all of that would be accurate.

She might, however, see that coming, and realize how badly she is behaving, and actually end the A. But that can't happen without you pulling the 180 and removing yourself as an option first.
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:13 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Lovecloud- I'm very sorry to read about your situation. It sucks to be stuck in the fog alongside your cheating spouse, and it can be hard to find your way out, much less get your spouse and marriage out of the fog intact.

Yes, you read that right. you are stuck in your own personal fogbank.

I'm not an attorney, but in reading your last comment, I think either you need a new attorney, or you didn't understand what he told you. He told you "not to move money around because it would make you look like you were trying to deceive?" I got some bad news for you. The courts don't care that your wife has her heels up in the air several times a week as her boyfriend bangs her like a kettle. The court will look at your log of her daily hookups and say "gee, you sure do pay attention to details about which you have no proof of anything going on," and assign joint custody, which is to say she will have 51% control, which is all the difference in the world.

Other posters are telling you that you are screwing up by doing the things that you are doing. They are right. If you are asking "what kind of sarcastic comments can I make as she is walking out the door to get her daily protein injection," YOU ARE LOSING. If you are waiting around for her to "realize her selfish choices have hurt more than just me," you are going to be waiting a long long time.

The truth of the matter is, you will find yourself withstanding "the torture her continues betrayal and vicious comments cause" until you have not one ounce of self respect left. Because you are in your own fog.

So I will try to provide you with a beacon, in the form of short sentences with small words.

A healthy, confident man does not let his woman use his money to pay for a hotel room to have sex with another man. A healthy, confident man does not beg his cheating partner to stop- he walks away, and never looks back. If she figures out her mistake, runs along behind him and catches up with him, where ever he is going, it is his choice whether or not to take her back.

You are doing absolutely nothing to stop your wife from continuing her affair. Making scathing comments as she walks out the door is not going to change that. File for divorce. Cut off the money supply. Do the grocery shopping yourself. Put your house up for sale- the threat of losing the roof over your head can really make someone stop doing what they're doing and pay attention. And for God's sake, read up on the 180 and start living it.


Sorry there is nothing about marriage that says a partner should put up with this. This is abuse. How could a woman go back to a man that she is cuckolding? This woman does not even have a job!!! She is just a bored selfish person. Frankly I get that we all love people just because, but really this woman's value of a wife is zero.
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:38 PM   #48 (permalink)
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So a somewhat peripheral issue. You and the OM are coaches for a baseball team. He has a son on the team? You are the head coach?

You pointed out that it is obvious to most people about your wife's affair from their interactions at these events. At some point your son is going to notice this too. Or some kid is going to tease him because they heard their parents make a rude comment about it.

She flaunts this in your face. I am assuming it is not overt. i.e. they are not holding hands, holding onto each other in the stands or having little kisses and such. This seems a very volatile situation. Meaning at some point even if you do not plan on it, there is a danger that you just might lose it under this public humiliation. I guess this is not a big deal right now for you. Maybe you will not react no matter how public their affection. BUT, even if a miracle occurs her display of affection for this other man will always be public record. A tad awkward I would think. A minor thing in the big picture I am sure. Just the act of her leaving with the OM after the game should make the kids wonder why is mommy going off with Coach Jerqov?

I guess she has not progressed to spending the night with the OM but they do have all day together so maybe that will not happen since he does not have his own place. He is hoping to be moving into your house no doubt. Yes, put a VAR or two in your home. They probably use your home for thier fun on occasion. I would think that type of data would be valuable if she denies having sex with the OM.
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:48 PM   #49 (permalink)
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I don't get it. She's screwing around. You know about it. She knows you know, she won't stop and she's doing it in front of you. That's not cheating. That's telling you to go f^ck yourself. Pack her stuff and put it on the lawn or something.
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:56 PM   #50 (permalink)
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What is it with these SAHMs that makes them so vulnerable to affairs? Is it just plain boredom?
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:02 PM   #51 (permalink)
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I appreciate all the input, especially how quickly everyone has jumped in with opinions and suggestions to my dire life situation which, unfortunately, doesn't seem that different from most others. It's sad how consistently these stories follow the same script as the wayward wife allows herself to stay mired in the fog regardless of how many loved ones tell them they are acting differently and are not thinking rationally. Affection and adoration are strong drugs and tough to overcome in this situation.

To answer and clarify a few of the additional questions that have been asked...

All three of our kids are in school during the day so my wife does have free time on her hands, unfortunately. She is looking for a job but since she has been at home for the past 15 years, her experience is limited. She was previously an elementary school teacher so she is capable, but the job market is tight, and in my opinion, her mental acuity just isn't what it used to be (stupid wayward wife).

Our children (14, 11, and 6) don't know exactly what is happening, but they know that their mother sleeps on the sofa and isn't always home to put them in bed. Our 14 year old daughter has asked me several times if we were getting a divorce, and I've answered that I don't want that to happen and that her mother and I are working on some issues. The two younger boys are fairly oblivious and don't seem too concerned at all yet. They are all my biggest concern through all this though. She believes that the kids are young and resilient so while they may have an adjustment period, they'll be fine in the long run. She may be right, but I know that if we can develop a happy relationship together again, the kids would be even better.

I've been instructed by my attorney to not move money around at this point so if this does head towards divorce, her attorney won't be able to say I hid or redistributed money. That would make me look like I was trying to deceive her and the courts don't look favorably on that. My attorney suggests staying on the up and up, as this will give me a significant advantage especially given her continued unacceptable activities, which I log daily... it's a horrible list to review. That should give me an advantage when it comes to maintaining the house and more than 50% custody, if divorce is the path we take. I've filled out most of the legal paperwork as a precaution and to be prepared in case she actually does file herself, but I still consider that an absolute last resort.

I don't recall who mentioned it, but my crazed wife definitely feels that her loved ones (and me) telling her she is making a huge mistake only drives her closer to the other guy. He understands her. Yada, yada, yada. Since he is the only one telling her this a great choice, she eats up every word he says. It's such a fantasy world, I don't know how she doesn't recognize that.

I do agree and truly believe that at some point, she's going to realize her selfish choices have hurt more than just me (our kids, our families, our friends) and she'll come around, but I don't know how much longer I can withstand the torture her continued betrayal and vicious comments cause. This fog is such a powerful force and I can't figure out how to make her hit rock bottom if she refuses to move out of the house (guess we're both stubborn with that). She has her cake and she's eating it too. I realize that. I just don't want to leave the house that I've shared and maintained with her and the kids for the past 17 years, and per both our lawyers, we're both entitled to stay.

I'm going to do my best to hold out a little while longer, if at all possible, but I struggle so much when I know she is leaving to see him or when she doesn't come home from shopping for several hours and I know she's been with him somewhere. I'm really interested in knowing if anyone has any strategies or thoughts on what to say to her as she's leaving or when she returns from these escapades. I want her to feel guilty and remorseful for leaving both me and the kids for very selfish reasons, but she never seems to feel even a flicker of guilt.
Above all, I am a businessman, so I'll be blunt. Your attorney is directing you only in one direction, and that is divorce. I don't understand why your replies indicate that you want to save this marriage, then. If you want to save it, it just doesn't seem like the divorce path makes sense.

I'll add that the other business people reading this will agree that I'm somewhat butchering the westinghouse studies we all covered in our business training, but I'm trying to make a point. Hope it helps.

First, your wife has no source of income other than you. It sounds like a nice standard of living. So, she is very far away from our most primal "needs". Needs drive us in very practical ways. "Wants" is the zone that she is flourishing in right now. There is very little motivation for change for your marriage security in the 'wants' zone. Sorry, but its true. People on this site call it cake eating. You are meeting her needs, and there is no apparent risk of this ending, based on your behavior. Why in the world would she 'want' anything to change? She's got to 'need' the situation to change before it will change.

Cut off her access to your money, and you've just dropped her into an ice water bath of primal 'needs'. If you want to make the divorce attorney happy, keep a spreadsheet of every dollar transaction you make. Print out statements of your accounts. Tell her that she can have cash money for a very specific list of bread, beef, potatoes, clothes or whatever the kids need. Its preferable if you just buy this yourself, and cut her off. You'll add enough gas to her car to get them to school, but no more. Her gravy train is over.

As a child, I was very poor. Its incredible how we get such clarity of thoughts when we enter the 'need' zone. What choices are open to her now? If she wants to declare it to be unfair, she can ask for a divorce ... wait ... don't those cost money?

I'm really not advocating making her do without her basic needs, like food and clothes. Just making a point that it takes a bleak picture to change a person's thinking. She doesn't have to take the kids to practice. Doesn't have to go shopping, or have cable TV, or access to the internet. She doesn't have to have a cell phone. These are not needs, and there are plenty of short term sacrifices you can make to try to save the marriage.

Last edited by Halien; 10-19-2011 at 01:11 PM.
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:12 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Make sure to ask for receipts. No receipts, no reimbursements.

File those receipts away.
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:18 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
What is it with these SAHMs that makes them so vulnerable to affairs? Is it just plain boredom?
I think
It's selective memory, we see lots of work affairs too
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:46 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Entropy3000--I respectfully disagree. There are many ways for a man to be strong for his family. If she's otherwise been a good wife and they've got many years together, then strength can mean working to protect that. At the same time, those who retreat and surrender to divorce may be the ones who have been powerless.
I seriously disagree.

The serious threat of divorce in this case isn`t a "retreat" or "surrender"it`s a full frontal nuclear assault.
It`s no holds barred brawling that lets the spouse who is blatantly disrespecting and hurting you that you`re not ****ing around.
It`s a great show of strength and an absolute refusal to accept the abuse.

It more often than not lifts the delusion the WS is in so that the BS can get them back in the marriage.

It is also to my mind the ONLY weapon left to the BS whose WS is frolicking around in public with their lover letting the world know they have no respect or love or care for their marriage and family.

If it doesn`t succeed in bringing the WS back to the marriage it will succeed in getting them out of your life which is the only place for them if they continue with their affair anyway.

It`s a win/win for everyone

Quote:
Neither is right nor wrong, but just show the different options a person has when dealing with such a situation.
Perhaps neither is right or wrong but one generally has an objectively better chance of success considering.
Quite honestly "right and wrong" goes out the window for me when confronted with someone who is obviously "wronging" me.
Don`t break the rules and then expect those who were affected by your rule breaking to continue to handicap themselves with the rules you ignored.

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Those who come on this forum and demand others act as they would are often those who were themselves truly the passive and powerless ones in their relationships. Not everyone uses the same methods as everyone else. I simply want to suggest another option.
I only suggest the options that have a reasonable chance of gaining the desired results.
Options that have me continuing to be cuckolded for the duration of my marriage aren`t really options at all.
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:59 PM   #55 (permalink)
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What is it with these SAHMs that makes them so vulnerable to affairs? Is it just plain boredom?
I think boredom and too much opportunity to dwell on things.

Once the children reach school age their role changes dramatically.

They see their husbands always being busy and not having time for them so they look for attention elsewhere. Sure affairs can happen in the work place but having a reason for being is good for all of us. Otherwise we look for meaning in someone elses eyes. If hubby is not there, it leaves a woman vulnerable. No exzcue but a fact of life.

So for someone in this situation who gets friended on FB by a past HS or College BF it seems innocent to them to relive those simpler days where she had less responsibility ans was free to have her fun. Or they go to the gym and get some guy as their personal trainer. Maybe a tennis or golf instructor. Going to school is good but now she is in the middle of folks who are very much on the market for some unattached sex. Pro marriage GFs are good but toxic ones are not. This is when they may want to start going out on not so marriage friendly GNOs or as a soccer mom meets some lonely dad. And so on. Too much time. Too much boredom which turns into resentment for their SO. Just a very risky situation.

My wife is way past being a SAHM but a few years back she was out of work and said she was ready to stop working. LOL. This was bad for her mentally. So I told her that for her own mental health she needs to work a few days a week. So now she works two days a week and has creative project she can do on her off days that relates to her work days. This is all good for her .... and me.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-19-2011 at 02:06 PM.
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Old 10-19-2011, 02:19 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Above all, I am a businessman, so I'll be blunt. Your attorney is directing you only in one direction, and that is divorce. I don't understand why your replies indicate that you want to save this marriage, then. If you want to save it, it just doesn't seem like the divorce path makes sense.

I'll add that the other business people reading this will agree that I'm somewhat butchering the westinghouse studies we all covered in our business training, but I'm trying to make a point. Hope it helps.

First, your wife has no source of income other than you. It sounds like a nice standard of living. So, she is very far away from our most primal "needs". Needs drive us in very practical ways. "Wants" is the zone that she is flourishing in right now. There is very little motivation for change for your marriage security in the 'wants' zone. Sorry, but its true. People on this site call it cake eating. You are meeting her needs, and there is no apparent risk of this ending, based on your behavior. Why in the world would she 'want' anything to change? She's got to 'need' the situation to change before it will change.

Cut off her access to your money, and you've just dropped her into an ice water bath of primal 'needs'. If you want to make the divorce attorney happy, keep a spreadsheet of every dollar transaction you make. Print out statements of your accounts. Tell her that she can have cash money for a very specific list of bread, beef, potatoes, clothes or whatever the kids need. Its preferable if you just buy this yourself, and cut her off. You'll add enough gas to her car to get them to school, but no more. Her gravy train is over.

As a child, I was very poor. Its incredible how we get such clarity of thoughts when we enter the 'need' zone. What choices are open to her now? If she wants to declare it to be unfair, she can ask for a divorce ... wait ... don't those cost money?

I'm really not advocating making her do without her basic needs, like food and clothes. Just making a point that it takes a bleak picture to change a person's thinking. She doesn't have to take the kids to practice. Doesn't have to go shopping, or have cable TV, or access to the internet. She doesn't have to have a cell phone. These are not needs, and there are plenty of short term sacrifices you can make to try to save the marriage.
From a business perspective we are talking about playing hardball. In any negotiation one has to understand the bottom line. When it is better to walk away from the table. If you cannot aford to walk away from a client and they know it you have little grounds to negotiate. You endlessly cater and give into them. Bad business. So you want to primarily work with them as a partner, but they have to understand that in any endeavor it takes two parties to make things work.

In this case she is working with another vendor already breaking the contract you thought you had in place. So breach of contract situation. In that case with a client you can sweeten the pot to a point but it is disengenuous for the client to continually play one against the other when there is already an agreement with you. So one has to be firm about the aggreement at some point and back off free support so the client can see what they are missing.

So I agree, he needs to stop meeting her needs. The OM is doing no heavy lefting. He is just enjoying having an affair with her while the husband is still meeting her other needs. This has to stop. I totally agree with you.
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Old 10-19-2011, 02:27 PM   #57 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
I think
It's selective memory, we see lots of work affairs too
Posted via Mobile Device
Work affairs are common too no doubt. But I am coming to the conclusion that a SAHM with children in school is in gernarl more of an issue. At work, at least there is the fact that she shopuld be busy doing something to keep her job. But in a quiet home and being all alone ... Well that is a lonely place and the mind wanders when not engaged.

My EA was at work .....

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-19-2011 at 04:05 PM.
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Old 10-19-2011, 02:39 PM   #58 (permalink)
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LoveCloud - I'm afraid that I have to agree with a lot of people here. I'm in a situation that has some parallels with yours, but there are differences too.

When I first read about the 180 I thought it was about getting her back, and I treated it as such. Massive failure.

But when I got into therapy and my therapist told me to quit trying to save my wife and protect her, that I had to save myself and protect myself, a light bulb finally went on. I really and truly found acceptance and started to move on. My wife accused me of being passive-aggressive, she claimed I was treating her badly, all kinds of stuff. I wouldn't engage, wouldn't react - not because I was trying to get her back, just because I was trying to be strong.

Guess what's happening. In the last couple of days she's begun to signal that she's feeling conflicted over what to do. She's really beginning to stress out. We went to a joint counseling session. I originally thought I'd use it to show her the error of her ways. Instead, the subject was how and when to tell the kids we were getting a legal separation and how to manage the money. She started trying to process all the problems in our marriage, she started to cry. I got us back on track. We're going one more time this weekend to finish the tasks in front of us, then I'm stopping the joint sessions. I have no interest in going over the past. I want to move forward. If she wants to agonize over the past, she can go to therapy herself. But I refuse to engage in any "marriage counseling" until she goes NC and transparent. Then we'll see where I'm at. Because you know what? I've let go, I feel better than I've felt in years.

And if this doesn't happen pretty soon, I'm pretty sure I won't even want to go back there. She told me a couple weeks ago that there was no chance of reconciliation. now she's talking about being torn. And I'm the one really not interested.

So forget getting her back. Accept that your marriage is over, start legal proceedings, don't get caught up in the secrecy. You don't have to be a **** about it. Just protect yourself. Get therapy. Watch yourself for signs of depression or anxiety. FORGET getting evidence - you know it's happening, MOVE ON. Most states, adultery just doesn't matter. Unless you can prove shes an unfit mother - and sex in a car with an unemployed man has nothing to do with if she's a good mother - then the best you can hope for is shared custody.

Oh, and don't have sex with her, even if she offers. You need to disengage emotionally, sexually, financially from her.
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Old 10-19-2011, 03:06 PM   #59 (permalink)
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LoveCloud - I'm afraid that I have to agree with a lot of people here. I'm in a situation that has some parallels with yours, but there are differences too.

When I first read about the 180 I thought it was about getting her back, and I treated it as such. Massive failure.

But when I got into therapy and my therapist told me to quit trying to save my wife and protect her, that I had to save myself and protect myself, a light bulb finally went on. I really and truly found acceptance and started to move on. My wife accused me of being passive-aggressive, she claimed I was treating her badly, all kinds of stuff. I wouldn't engage, wouldn't react - not because I was trying to get her back, just because I was trying to be strong.

Guess what's happening. In the last couple of days she's begun to signal that she's feeling conflicted over what to do. She's really beginning to stress out. We went to a joint counseling session. I originally thought I'd use it to show her the error of her ways. Instead, the subject was how and when to tell the kids we were getting a legal separation and how to manage the money. She started trying to process all the problems in our marriage, she started to cry. I got us back on track. We're going one more time this weekend to finish the tasks in front of us, then I'm stopping the joint sessions. I have no interest in going over the past. I want to move forward. If she wants to agonize over the past, she can go to therapy herself. But I refuse to engage in any "marriage counseling" until she goes NC and transparent. Then we'll see where I'm at. Because you know what? I've let go, I feel better than I've felt in years.

And if this doesn't happen pretty soon, I'm pretty sure I won't even want to go back there. She told me a couple weeks ago that there was no chance of reconciliation. now she's talking about being torn. And I'm the one really not interested.

So forget getting her back. Accept that your marriage is over, start legal proceedings, don't get caught up in the secrecy. You don't have to be a **** about it. Just protect yourself. Get therapy. Watch yourself for signs of depression or anxiety. FORGET getting evidence - you know it's happening, MOVE ON. Most states, adultery just doesn't matter. Unless you can prove shes an unfit mother - and sex in a car with an unemployed man has nothing to do with if she's a good mother - then the best you can hope for is shared custody.

Oh, and don't have sex with her, even if she offers. You need to disengage emotionally, sexually, financially from her.
Well done. Very well done. I do know where you are in your life.
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Old 10-19-2011, 03:46 PM   #60 (permalink)
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LoveCloud - I'm afraid that I have to agree with a lot of people here. I'm in a situation that has some parallels with yours, but there are differences too.

When I first read about the 180 I thought it was about getting her back, and I treated it as such. Massive failure.

But when I got into therapy and my therapist told me to quit trying to save my wife and protect her, that I had to save myself and protect myself, a light bulb finally went on. I really and truly found acceptance and started to move on. My wife accused me of being passive-aggressive, she claimed I was treating her badly, all kinds of stuff. I wouldn't engage, wouldn't react - not because I was trying to get her back, just because I was trying to be strong.

Guess what's happening. In the last couple of days she's begun to signal that she's feeling conflicted over what to do. She's really beginning to stress out. We went to a joint counseling session. I originally thought I'd use it to show her the error of her ways. Instead, the subject was how and when to tell the kids we were getting a legal separation and how to manage the money. She started trying to process all the problems in our marriage, she started to cry. I got us back on track. We're going one more time this weekend to finish the tasks in front of us, then I'm stopping the joint sessions. I have no interest in going over the past. I want to move forward. If she wants to agonize over the past, she can go to therapy herself. But I refuse to engage in any "marriage counseling" until she goes NC and transparent. Then we'll see where I'm at. Because you know what? I've let go, I feel better than I've felt in years.

And if this doesn't happen pretty soon, I'm pretty sure I won't even want to go back there. She told me a couple weeks ago that there was no chance of reconciliation. now she's talking about being torn. And I'm the one really not interested.

So forget getting her back. Accept that your marriage is over, start legal proceedings, don't get caught up in the secrecy. You don't have to be a **** about it. Just protect yourself. Get therapy. Watch yourself for signs of depression or anxiety. FORGET getting evidence - you know it's happening, MOVE ON. Most states, adultery just doesn't matter. Unless you can prove shes an unfit mother - and sex in a car with an unemployed man has nothing to do with if she's a good mother - then the best you can hope for is shared custody.

Oh, and don't have sex with her, even if she offers. You need to disengage emotionally, sexually, financially from her.
Good stuff. It has the added advantage of you looking stronger as well. So you come off as being a strong attractive man. But it is about being a strong attractive man period, who has a life in front of him. Sometimes this is enough to swing them but it is not the reason alone for doing it. Certainly being a doormat is just lose-lose.
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