Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveCloud
I'm going to start the hard 180 this morning and see where that leads. I've done the ignoring before (with the exception of kid related stuff), but only for a couple days in a row and it definitely does affect her. She's thrown it back in my face as me not wanted to save this marriage and this family even though I consistently tell her that's my goal.
That's fogbabble used to control you. Be smarter than her. Every time she throws anything in your face just look her in the eyes and say "I'M not the cheater here." And walk away. Keep using the words every chance you get. If you have to get more into it, just say "I will never share my wife with another man; that's why I'm divorcing you."
The ONLY way she will EVER stop cheating is if you show her you WILL WALK AWAY if she doesn't stop. You can love her, you can want her, but to ACCEPT her cheating makes you lower than a doormat. And women cannot love a doormat.
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
Why, again, can't you cancel her credit card?
I don't think there is a legal requirement for a husband to share a credit card with his wife.
It is plausible that she can say that when she started cheating he closed down the creidt card. So what? Stop enabling her. Even if it cost you money would that be worse than what she is doing to you now?
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
You can set up a prepaid amount at the local grocery store. You can pay all the bills. You can fill the car with gas. You can give her one of those phones that only works in emergencies. And then you can stop giving her access to any money - tell her you have shut down all accounts to BOTH of you until the divorce is final.
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
There is nothing I can add here as you got a ton of excellent advices already. But, I will try.
The bottom line is you must take a hard action. It is not even to wake her up, but to protect yourself and move on. If she wakes up in due time to crawl back to you, that would be her choice.
See, the expected route in a case like this is pretty simple. A wife cheats, get found out, refuse to end it, and H files for D and moves on. That pretty much sums it up. Things get complicated when the betrayed spouse refuse to move on and hang on to the M when the situation says there is no M anymore; it's just paperwork at this point. She has already divorced you in her mind, despite what she says.
If God has plan to keep you two together as family, she will find her way back. But, as far as you are concerned, you should do what you are supposed to do. If you let yourself stay in this limbo state, nothing gets done. You are not really helping anybody with your inaction or lack of action. Just move on. While at it, you can look behind if she is still staying with OM or chasing after you crying and begging. You do your part, and she gets to decide what she wants to do. If you don't make your move, she won't make her move either. You must force her to make the decision whether to choose OM or you and your family.
Another poster mentioned "needs" vs. "wants". "Needs" always take precedence over "wants". Your W being SAHM and OM being financially inferior makes your position very strong in this, if you play your cards right. Unfortunately, to play the cards right in this case would be hard 180 or filing for D. Between the two, I personally think D would be the better choice. But, then again who knows? Since she did respond rather acutely to your past attempts at 180, you may invoke the kind of response you hope by applying a really really hard "180" here.
Remember, there is analogy of fog in a pot. When a fog is thrown in a boiling pot, it will jump out in a blink of second. But, if you put a fog in a cold water and heat the pot gradually the fog stays in the pot to its ultimate death. Any tactic you use to wake up the WW must be done with a greatest shock value you can achieve. You have to be ruthless and meaning business. Any half-hearted action will be sensed and called bluff.
Realize this W of yours is not your W anymore. She is OM's wife. It does not matter what the paper says. She has chosen him. She just does not want to lose the status quo and the financial support she gets from you. At this point, you are not her H anymore and just a paycheck to her.
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
At this point the only reason she's hanging around is for the POSOM to get a job and carry her away. You need to stop the gravey train before this happens or she will not have to face the consequences of being dumped by you. You have a lot better chance of ending this now rather than later.
In regard to your kids, they need to know it is their mother who has destroyed their family.... before she turns them against you. I have seen them do this and worse.
Good luck, Use some of the money you aren't giving her now and go treat yourself and the kids. Do as much fun stuff with kids and without her as possible. Go to the gym and start working out. Nothing except meds (see doctor) will help as much. Let her see how well you can get along without her.
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
Quote:
Originally Posted by hurthusb
But when I got into therapy and my therapist told me to quit trying to save my wife and protect her, that I had to save myself and protect myself, a light bulb finally went on. I really and truly found acceptance and started to move on.
I refuse to engage in any "marriage counseling" until she goes NC and transparent. Then we'll see where I'm at. Because you know what? I've let go, I feel better than I've felt in years.
She told me a couple weeks ago that there was no chance of reconciliation. now she's talking about being torn. And I'm the one really not interested.
So forget getting her back. Accept that your marriage is over, start legal proceedings, don't get caught up in the secrecy. You don't have to be a **** about it. Just protect yourself. Get therapy. Watch yourself for signs of depression or anxiety. FORGET getting evidence - you know it's happening, MOVE ON.
Oh, and don't have sex with her, even if she offers. You need to disengage emotionally, sexually, financially from her.
Ding ding ding!
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadcalifornian
The bottom line is you must take a hard action. It is not even to wake her up, but to protect yourself and move on. If she wakes up in due time to crawl back to you, that would be her choice.
See, the expected route in a case like this is pretty simple. A wife cheats, get found out, refuse to end it, and H files for D and moves on. That pretty much sums it up. Things get complicated when the betrayed spouse refuse to move on and hang on to the M when the situation says there is no M anymore; it's just paperwork at this point. She has already divorced you in her mind, despite what she says.
If you let yourself stay in this limbo state, nothing gets done. You are not really helping anybody with your inaction or lack of action. Just move on.
You must force her to make the decision whether to choose OM or you and your family.
Any tactic you use to wake up the WW must be done with a greatest shock value you can achieve. Any half-hearted action will be sensed and called bluff.
Realize this W of yours is not your W anymore. She is OM's wife. It does not matter what the paper says. She has chosen him.
A really really really excellent post!!!! And so true! Every left behind spouse and/or betrayed spouse needs to print out that post and put in on their mirror, read it every day til it sinks in for them.
It all comes down to this: if they won't work WITH you for the marriage, then they are working AGAINST you & the marriage.
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
Listen to hurthusb!!!! I can guarantee you that if you continue in the path you are going, you will only succeed in her feeling contempt for a cuckold husband with no self respect. FIRST OFF. This is the computer generation. You take her cards away and make her right out a list AND YOU BUY THE DAMN GROCERIES ON LINE. You give her no money. NONE. You are not denying her anything, you are only insuring that she is not supporting her POSOM. Expose to everyone. Let all your friends off the hook, tell them that its not their fault that your wife is cheating on you. You need to learn the 180. And use it.
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
Lovecloud
You need to deal with reality. She has no respect for you, your children, no one period.
Stop supporting this activity by doing nothing.
Your have recieved great suggestions on your post, use them. File for divorce, try to get her out of the house. Once this is accomplished you have a platform to work from.
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
Thanks everyone. I'm reading and taking this all to heart and thinking constantly, talking to friends, and talking to a therapist. Many of your suggestions and sentiments are echoed there as well. I'm building up the courage to file... just not quite there yet. Keep thinking about what I'm losing. Need to focus on what I could possibly gain now. Thanks again for the strong support.
Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team 
