My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

It's been two months since I discovered her batphone and all the risque and graphic texts and photos and conversations and life shattering information it contained. I was devastated that day and continue to be more devastated each passing moment. It was with a guy that she has known for years and whose son I have coached for years, alongside my son in baseball. I have to see this loser (lost his house and wife recently, and now lives at home with his mom... nice) almost every other day at practices and games, and she doesn't care. Many parents on the team know about the affair and shy away from both of them at games, but they are both there and sometimes talk to each other on the sidelines as I'm out on the field with the boys. It's heart-wrenching.

She has never apologized, shown remorse, or slowed down her escapades. In fact, now that I know about it, she seems to be more pursuing him with even more vigor and is almost flippant about it. She still lives in our house with me and our three wonderful children, although she's staked the couch as her bed now. She is a stay-at-home mom (although staying at home is no longer the right term for it). She stills sees him practically every day for lunch while the kids are in school (and I think she pays), every other evening until 11:30 and much, much later on the weekends. She suggests that since I don't like the way she's acting (as it's not very becoming of a married mother of three) and have so much trouble with it, I should leave. Until I discovered what was happening, she was loving and caring and thoughtful and I thought she was perfect. We have a great house in a great neighborhood, with great neighbors, friends, and family. A truly wonderful life, or so I thought. She had mentioned that she felt we were drifting apart and she felt more like a roommate the past year or so, but we were still doing things together, going away on trips together, having sex regularly, etc. Typical 17 year marriage stuff, but nothing "newlywed hot". I do regret not paying more attention to her and doting on her more, but life with three kids and lots of activities and work got in the way sometimes. That doesn't excuse my inattentiveness, but it doesn't give her justification for tearing our world apart either.

I have told her that I'm willing to try to forgive her past transgressions and work on restoring our marriage to something even better than it ever was, however, she is determined to continue her affair and has threatened divorce multiple times because she knows that is not what I want for our family. Every time I confront her with my frustration on how she's treating me with such venom and hatred that is far from justified, and so far from her normal behavior, she leaves the house and doesn't return for hours, if at all, stating that I'm crazy and I'm not handling this well (first time dealing with infidelity, so I haven't had lots of experience fortunately). Several of my friends have seen her sitting in parking lots all over town, sometimes with him in the car, sometimes by herself... texting, of course. When they do get together in the evenings and weekends, I'm pretty sure it's in parking lots behind local office buildings. Quite the parking lot romance. She is so addicted to the affair, it is text book.

Her mother, her sister, several of her friends, and my family (with whom she was very close) no longer talk to her and she claims that if people don't support her pursuing her happiness after she's spent the past 17 years making everyone else happy, then she doesn't need them in her life any more. She was very family oriented before all this. This new her is so different and so vulgar and so cruel. It's sad.

I have met with a lawyer and he's informed me that I can't kick her out, I can't change the locks, I have to maintain status quo (although I don't have to pay for hotel rooms or lunch for her boyfriend, but it's tough to stop those particular charges on the credit card if she's allowed to use it for day-to-day stuff as usual). It's beyond frustrating though that she can have her cake and can eat it too. I've tried outright ignoring her; she gets pissed at me and claims I have no respect for her. I've tried pouring out my heart, but she says that there is no way I should love her after what's she's done and she could never love me after that. In fact, she says she has no love for me now at all, only hatred, and that the only thing I have over her boyfriend is money and a job. I think I could add many other things to that list, but I don't think that will get me anywhere.

Anyone had any success with 180 or any other strategy when their spouse was so filled with hatred as soon as their affair was exposed? I still do love her, although I haven't told her that for a few weeks, and I do want to try everything possible before throwing in the towel. I think my family deserves that I make every possible attempt at salvaging something that I cherished so much before giving up. Any thoughts, suggestions, or ideas would be so appreciated. Thanks everyone.
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Divorce her, it`s the only thing that "might" get through to her.
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Get a bank account in your name only, all your money goes in there. Only put enough in the joint account for groceries and such for the kids/house, no more allowance for her.

Cancel all joint credit cards, lawyer up and get the D going as soon as possible. She's made it clear what she wants, sleep with he f-buddy and you pay the bills.

Expose at this point, let the guys wife know, let all the parents on the team know, tell your friends/parents etc.

You've got nothing to lose anymore except alimony payments and child support if she wins custody.

Do not allow her to have her way at your expense. I find it appalling (only because I was in her shoes) that she think she's getting no respect from you for spreading her legs for another man.

If she needs money to take her BF out to lunch, get her hair/nails done to look good for him, do it on his dime not yours. And yes, get the D papers going as soon as possible.
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

You can cut off the credit card and all her access to money. If she us a sham, she will only be able to mooch off of him.

For food, set up an account at a online grocer and have the stuff delivered.

Honestly, why not divorce her, she is humiliating you,herself, and her children,
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes. Divorce. this went on way too far and you are way too accepting. No I would not stand for him and the wifey seeing each other at the baseball game. I am not sure why you let this progress as it has. She is trying to humiliate you by cuckolding you in front of the world. Very bad for a son to witness his father being cuckolded. Trust me he knows his mom is all over the other guy and not you. She is more flippant because you put up with it.

So you put the food on the table and she is a SAHM. Are there still kids not yet in school?
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Old 10-18-2011, 05:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

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Originally Posted by LoveCloud View Post


I have told her that I'm willing to try to forgive her past transgressions and work on restoring our marriage to something even better than it ever was, however, she is determined to continue her affair and has threatened divorce multiple times because she knows that is not what I want for our family. Every time I confront her with my frustration on how she's treating me with such venom and hatred that is far from justified, and so far from her normal behavior, she leaves the house and doesn't return for hours, if at all, stating that I'm crazy and I'm not handling this well (first time dealing with infidelity, so I haven't had lots of experience fortunately). Several of my friends have seen her sitting in parking lots all over town, sometimes with him in the car, sometimes by herself... texting, of course. When they do get together in the evenings and weekends, I'm pretty sure it's in parking lots behind local office buildings. Quite the parking lot romance. She is so addicted to the affair, it is text book.



I have met with a lawyer and he's informed me that I can't kick her out, I can't change the locks, I have to maintain status quo (although I don't have to pay for hotel rooms or lunch for her boyfriend, but it's tough to stop those particular charges on the credit card if she's allowed to use it for day-to-day stuff as usual).

You're too forgiving. Why should there be no consequences for her?

Get a new lawyer. You can cut her credit card now. You dont have to pay for her credit card.

Start protecting yourself financially. No joint credit cards or bank accounts. Start hiding your cash and other assets.

Start collecting evidences and hide/secure them in a safe place.
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Old 10-18-2011, 05:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Do the children know what's going on?
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Old 10-18-2011, 05:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Start protecting yourself financially. No joint credit cards or bank accounts. Start protecting your cash and other assets.
Never use the word hide, if the spouse ever finds the site and figures out his screen name, a quick printout could spell doom for the OP. Never hide assets and cash, protect it from her spending the crap out of it. Once spent, she doesn't have to repay it if it's spent on non-tangible assets, hair/nails, lunch, dinners, motel rooms etc.

She'll probably get 1/2 of it anyways but at least you'll still have that 1/2 she probably would have pissed away to feed her affair.

Now if you want to help your sister/brother/parents put up a new roof/tile/bathroom/kitchen because they're short on cash then you can give them the money, remember give not loan. And keep it under $10k so it's a gift only and they won't have to pay taxes on it.
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Old 10-18-2011, 06:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

Get everything in order, (lawyers, finances, etc.) then when she threatens you with the D again, say: "Okay", and talk to her from now on like divorce is inevitable, say things like "Well, when YOU move out", or "After the divorce..."

Watch her change her mind, stat.
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Old 10-18-2011, 06:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team

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I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through and I admire you for trying to stay the course. Divorce can be very traumatic for everyone involved.

I think maybe your wife's anger has to do with the feeling she has that she's trapped in an unhappy situation in life. The pressure she feels from you and from her/your family also may be contributing to that. I don't mean that this is true, but that she sees it this way. This makes the OM seem like her savior and hero, even though from what you say he's anything but that.

Have you considered trying to be the best husband you can be, for a given amount of time. In other words, do the best you can for her and to be there for her for 6 months (or whatever time amount you choose). Then cut her off all together so that she sees the reality of having to make a choice. Some people like this Dr. Harley approach and you can go to his site for that.

I tend to favor the approach of maintaining the status quo, doing the best you can for her and your family and continuing counseling. Give her time to see the reality of all that you offer her and have built with her for those years. Let her see that the OM also has issues and failings and that he isn't a genuine option.

You can also take the advice of some people on this site, which is shoot first and ask questions later. You have said that you hope to remain married so I hope you don't let anyone talk you into doing that. Maintain your own schedule of what works for you and don't let yourself be pressured by those who may be re-enacting their own troubled relationships. If their advice works for you then by all means use it, but do so on your own terms.
So your wife is having sex with another guy and is flaunting it in front of you, your family and the community and you just double your efforts to be the best husband possible for her.

The idea of not being a doormat is to provide the best possibilty of reconsiling while preparing for the possibility of moving on. Being a doormat is not attractive. He is doing that now and she is being even more flippant about her behavior as it is turning her off even more. So by keeping the status quo she can cake eat all she wants and has no consequences for her behavior. It is 100% on him. How wonderful. This is the example that the son sees of his father. A man being humiliating and not be strong and assertive but submissive, passive and powerless to act.
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Old 10-18-2011, 07:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm in a very similar situation and it's ongoing. I got all the same advice and I also can't do any of that.

What I did to was get therapy. First, Psychiatrist to get me over the crisis - the revelation of the affair, the pulling me into the conspiracy "for the good of the kids", the neediness, the begging her to come back to me, the hope, then the crushing disappointment when she doesn't come home on Friday night. Depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, the whole 9 yards.

Once I got a little more stable with the help of meds, I found a wonderful therapist. She kicked my ass. She made it very clear to me - I can't change her. I can't save her. All I can do is get myself healthy for the kids.

Finding out that it wasn't a secret was the breakthrough I needed - a LOT of people knew, they just didn't have the heart to tell me that my wife of 22 years was sleeping with another man. I found friends who were willing to support me, give me the human contact I craved and couldn't get at home. And one of those friends told me something that shocked me.

When your son is telling the story of his life to a girlfriend, he'll say "My father was badly hurt by something that my mother did. He was devastated".

And how will the story end - "And then he was so depressed he lost his job and ended up living with his father at 50 years old".

OR

"But he got help, got himself healthy and he's been a great Dad, keeping the family together as much as possible".

Your choice. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
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Old 10-18-2011, 07:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You need to put your foot down with her. She is doing it because you are letting her with no consequences for her action. Tell her to end it with the other man (OM) or you are done..

If she chooses to continue her affair file for divorce.
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Old 10-18-2011, 07:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Entropy3000--I respectfully disagree. There are many ways for a man to be strong for his family. If she's otherwise been a good wife and they've got many years together, then strength can mean working to protect that. At the same time, those who retreat and surrender to divorce may be the ones who have been powerless.

Neither is right nor wrong, but just show the different options a person has when dealing with such a situation. However, each poster has the right to assess his or her options and do what they feel is best, and not be pressured by people who disagree.

Those who come on this forum and demand others act as they would are often those who were themselves truly the passive and powerless ones in their relationships. Not everyone uses the same methods as everyone else. I simply want to suggest another option.
I am no more demanding than your are. This situation is not at its early stages. It has become abusive. Being strong by tolerating abuse is one of those things where little bit goes a long way. Being a good role model also teaches the son how he should be treated. Having boundaries is a good thing. It takes real courage and a sense for right and wrong to wisely know when enough is enough. He needs to be an example of how a man should behave in life. Teaching his son to be humilated is not a good lesson IMHO.

There is a time and place for putting in the lion share of effort to save a marriage and family. So yes your option is valid in its place. To be the source of ridicule in this exposed manner is not heathy for the children. Especially since both he and the OM are coaches. My point is that this situation is painted in such a way as to be well beyond that level.

At some point it becomes counter-intuitive. You have to be willing to risk losing someone to be able to keep them. If we are consumed with losing something we hang on too tight and lose what we value most by doing so.

Ultimately of course your opinion is as good as anyones. The OP will have to see what makes sense for them. Hopefully they will learn from their circumstance and choose wisely. Askin someone to carry close to 100% of a relationship for too long is not helpful. I do understand Plan A / Plan B.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-18-2011 at 07:20 PM.
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Old 10-18-2011, 08:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Cut her off. You are litteraly paying for her to have an affair. Let her get her own job. Time for her to see what real life is. Maybe the two of them can go live under a bridge.

My guess is, however, since you've been willing to pay for OM's affair and coach his son this is going to go on for a very long time. This is based on threads similar to this. Your just not going to stand up for your self.

I would suggest you get a VAR since they are probably using your house when your not around.
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Old 10-18-2011, 08:08 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ReasonableMan View Post
I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through and I admire you for trying to stay the course. Divorce can be very traumatic for everyone involved.

I think maybe your wife's anger has to do with the feeling she has that she's trapped in an unhappy situation in life. The pressure she feels from you and from her/your family also may be contributing to that. I don't mean that this is true, but that she sees it this way. This makes the OM seem like her savior and hero, even though from what you say he's anything but that.

Have you considered trying to be the best husband you can be, for a given amount of time. In other words, do the best you can for her and to be there for her for 6 months (or whatever time amount you choose). Then cut her off all together so that she sees the reality of having to make a choice. Some people like this Dr. Harley approach and you can go to his site for that.

I tend to favor the approach of maintaining the status quo, doing the best you can for her and your family and continuing counseling. Give her time to see the reality of all that you offer her and have built with her for those years. Let her see that the OM also has issues and failings and that he isn't a genuine option.

You can also take the advice of some people on this site, which is shoot first and ask questions later. You have said that you hope to remain married so I hope you don't let anyone talk you into doing that. Maintain your own schedule of what works for you and don't let yourself be pressured by those who may be re-enacting their own troubled relationships. If their advice works for you then by all means use it, but do so on your own terms.
This may be a very humanitarian approach, but I don't think this method will work. WW in fog of A rarely wakes up by herself in any reasonable amount of time. It can last years for the fog to clear, during which time the BH should live the life of cuckhold. This is an abusive environment, and although the choice is his, I cannot recommend this. This is like asking someone to stay in M knowing there is abuse going on.

What works is some kind of swift slap on the face(not literally) kind of shock that can snap them out of their fog. This can be done by exposure, being dumped by OM, threat of D, actual D, or the life after D. In this case, exposure did not work. And, OM is single and he has no reason to dump her. The threat of D has not worked; as a matter of fact, it is WW using this to scare BH to his place.

So, at this point, the next available option is proceeding with Divorce. The chances are that once she realizes what she will lose with D, she may wake up from her fog running back to her H. Or, she may go along with D. But, I am 100% sure that she will wake up to realize what she has done soon after D. It could be a month after or 6 months or a year later. But, she will come to regret it considering the situation. I can bet my house on it.

After D, if she comes to her senses and beg for BH to take her back, then that would be BH's decision. What's sad is that you know how the script will play out, and yet you still have no control to stop this. Is this how God feels looking down on us stupid humans?
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