My Wife Won't Stop Her Affair With Another Father On My Son's Baseball Team
It's been two months since I discovered her batphone and all the risque and graphic texts and photos and conversations and life shattering information it contained. I was devastated that day and continue to be more devastated each passing moment. It was with a guy that she has known for years and whose son I have coached for years, alongside my son in baseball. I have to see this loser (lost his house and wife recently, and now lives at home with his mom... nice) almost every other day at practices and games, and she doesn't care. Many parents on the team know about the affair and shy away from both of them at games, but they are both there and sometimes talk to each other on the sidelines as I'm out on the field with the boys. It's heart-wrenching.
She has never apologized, shown remorse, or slowed down her escapades. In fact, now that I know about it, she seems to be more pursuing him with even more vigor and is almost flippant about it. She still lives in our house with me and our three wonderful children, although she's staked the couch as her bed now. She is a stay-at-home mom (although staying at home is no longer the right term for it). She stills sees him practically every day for lunch while the kids are in school (and I think she pays), every other evening until 11:30 and much, much later on the weekends. She suggests that since I don't like the way she's acting (as it's not very becoming of a married mother of three) and have so much trouble with it, I should leave. Until I discovered what was happening, she was loving and caring and thoughtful and I thought she was perfect. We have a great house in a great neighborhood, with great neighbors, friends, and family. A truly wonderful life, or so I thought. She had mentioned that she felt we were drifting apart and she felt more like a roommate the past year or so, but we were still doing things together, going away on trips together, having sex regularly, etc. Typical 17 year marriage stuff, but nothing "newlywed hot". I do regret not paying more attention to her and doting on her more, but life with three kids and lots of activities and work got in the way sometimes. That doesn't excuse my inattentiveness, but it doesn't give her justification for tearing our world apart either.
I have told her that I'm willing to try to forgive her past transgressions and work on restoring our marriage to something even better than it ever was, however, she is determined to continue her affair and has threatened divorce multiple times because she knows that is not what I want for our family. Every time I confront her with my frustration on how she's treating me with such venom and hatred that is far from justified, and so far from her normal behavior, she leaves the house and doesn't return for hours, if at all, stating that I'm crazy and I'm not handling this well (first time dealing with infidelity, so I haven't had lots of experience fortunately). Several of my friends have seen her sitting in parking lots all over town, sometimes with him in the car, sometimes by herself... texting, of course. When they do get together in the evenings and weekends, I'm pretty sure it's in parking lots behind local office buildings. Quite the parking lot romance. She is so addicted to the affair, it is text book.
Her mother, her sister, several of her friends, and my family (with whom she was very close) no longer talk to her and she claims that if people don't support her pursuing her happiness after she's spent the past 17 years making everyone else happy, then she doesn't need them in her life any more. She was very family oriented before all this. This new her is so different and so vulgar and so cruel. It's sad.
I have met with a lawyer and he's informed me that I can't kick her out, I can't change the locks, I have to maintain status quo (although I don't have to pay for hotel rooms or lunch for her boyfriend, but it's tough to stop those particular charges on the credit card if she's allowed to use it for day-to-day stuff as usual). It's beyond frustrating though that she can have her cake and can eat it too. I've tried outright ignoring her; she gets pissed at me and claims I have no respect for her. I've tried pouring out my heart, but she says that there is no way I should love her after what's she's done and she could never love me after that. In fact, she says she has no love for me now at all, only hatred, and that the only thing I have over her boyfriend is money and a job. I think I could add many other things to that list, but I don't think that will get me anywhere.
Anyone had any success with 180 or any other strategy when their spouse was so filled with hatred as soon as their affair was exposed? I still do love her, although I haven't told her that for a few weeks, and I do want to try everything possible before throwing in the towel. I think my family deserves that I make every possible attempt at salvaging something that I cherished so much before giving up. Any thoughts, suggestions, or ideas would be so appreciated. Thanks everyone.