would you kiss or have sex in revenge?

Initfortheduration · 12-22-2008, 02:10 PM

I can tell you why. Based on how you trivialize your infidelity. At least based on your lack of candor here, and probably with your husband there that you have been hiding what actually happened at the strip poker party. Along with the constant cross examining of him about this kiss with someone YOU got naked with. Both of these show that you (at least from my experience) have a guilty conscience and that you are doing anything you can to push all of this issue on to him. That my friend is called projection. And its a way to salve your conscience. Think for a moment. You are on here asking advice about your husband (who no one on here knows or has communicated with), when you know him best of all. Why?

Regarding him leaving. He is leaving because there are secrets between you and he can't take it anymore. So before he walks out the door. I would suggest you do a major mia culpa (my fault) with him. Either that or you will be on here asking advice on how to get your husband back. Your choice.

sunflower · 12-22-2008, 02:43 PM

No I think that my pride issue is just that pride. I am having a really hard time understanding how my husband did that with another women and how he may have could have been attracted he says not but thinking about it makes me sick thinking of details and if he got a erection all of that makes me really sad to think he could do that and not fell bad.

swedish · 12-22-2008, 03:09 PM

If there is the tiniest bit of empathy within you, where you can see the slightest reason why he did what he did based on your strip poker incident, now would be the time to show that to your husband. This is quickly becoming a self-fulfilled prophecy. You have 2 girls to consider here...deal with your insecurities now...talk to a counselor or whatever you need to do...this is not about him or the kiss...it's about you & if he walks out the door, you will be the same way with any other relationship...if your man wakes up with an erection, questioning him on whether he was thinking of you and what he was dreaming about...you need to understand that he is human...he is not perfect...he is doing everything he can based on the circumstances to make things right with you but you won't have any of it. What do you expect him to do?

dcrim · 12-22-2008, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflower

I am having a really hard time understanding how my husband did that with another women ...

Well, how hard a time do you think HE'S having with your strip poker???

Communication is crucial to any relationship. Grilling him on whether or not he got an erection is NOT communicating. Going to a strip poker party is NOT communicating. Trivializing it is NOT communicating.

YOU need to apologize, profusely, to him! And lay off the grilling. Otherwise, I'd be at the door myself helping him move his stuff out!

Initfortheduration · 12-22-2008, 06:32 PM

You know. You can give a person a book but if all she does is eat the cover..............

May I be direct with you? Why would you have a hard time understanding that your husband did that (kissed and grabbed her butt) with "THAT" woman (It is not "another" woman. It is the same woman you were naked with), And not just her butt but her husband too. I'll wager that there was more then just kissing going on between the three of you. Regarding your pride, when your daughters ask where there daddy is after you have driven him from your home. Simply tell them that momma's pride will take the place of their dad's arms. Is your pride gonna pick them up when they fall. Is your pride gonna be there when they have their first date. Or when they are rejected by some boy at school. Is your pride going to tell them that any boy who does't see what he sees in them is an idiot, and not worth a second thought. But the most important place your pride will be sufficient (I'm sure), is when they are crying out for affection from some guy (with questionable motives) when they are in their teens and 20's because their father isn't around to make them feel like more then a sex object. I'm sure they will look at that trade as worth it (your pride for his arms).

And what about you? Is your (false) pride gonna keep you warm at night? What are you going to do when your husband introduces your daughters to the woman who will gladly take your place (and will hopefully be more honest and transparent with him then you were). And all because you refused to suck up that all important pride of yours. But you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror at night and say. "But I have my pride"

How's your pride been working for you up to now?

sunflower · 12-23-2008, 11:41 AM

Seriously the strip poker was really not like that. We played the game. Then she commented at one point that he was getting hard. UNCOMFORTABLE. then we all went to bed her husband told me to get into bed with them and I declined. I was out and forward with him about everything. I do have pride issues your right. Its like how could you expecially when he told me how I broke his heart then he did it to me. And that is something that we do together that he did with her? I think that my thoughts are normal in the thinking of all that they did. I mean ok so here are my thoughts that keep running through my head that I need to learn to move on with and please dont be to critical.
1. why would he do it knowing it could destroy us?
2. Would he have had sex?
3. was he attracted?
4. did he end it cause she denied him?
5. if he wanted her would he have taken her up on her third offer?

those are my continuing thoughts. See I dont see where that plays into all of my pride?

Initfortheduration · 12-23-2008, 01:38 PM

Funny I'll bet your husband is thinking along the same lines.

1. why would (S)he do it knowing it could destroy us?
2. Would (S)he (or did she) have sex?
3. was (S)he attracted?
4. did (S)he end it or did she get into bed with them?
5. if (S)he wanted them to would (S)he have taken them up on their offer?

Isn't it weird how the question are so similar?

Can I ask a question? Why if they had already seen you naked and wanted to screw, would you continue the friendship? You knew they were gunning for you and your husband (or was it OK as long as it was you alone without your husband). So nothing sexual happened at the game? Did you touch either of them at anytime? Answer the question.

sunflower · 12-23-2008, 01:43 PM

Nope nothing happend we played the game and then after the game it was his friends Idea to run around the house so we did and the entire time my hands were covering my top. Then came in I got dressed they got dressed and went to bed. I SLEPT ALONE. then the next day I called and told my husband. And thats where I am confused I broke his heart so he does this? He said that the kiss was soooo awkward well sorry if it was so awkward you wouldnt be rubbing her butt. I just feel that if he were open and honest cause nothing makes sense then we can move past. I just get so angry.

Initfortheduration · 12-23-2008, 01:46 PM

And you asked "Its like how could you expecially when he told me how I broke his heart then he did it to me. And that is something that we do together that he did with her?"

I can answer this question. Because you trivialized what you did. And you blew it off. Could it be that he got the impression that you weren't sorry. The big question is...........How did he find out about the game? Did you tell him? Or did he find out some other way. When it was out in the open did you come to him with tears begging him to forgive you. Or did you do what you have done here. And totally danced around the issue.

Initfortheduration · 12-23-2008, 01:50 PM

Was there any flirtation between his friend and you that your husband witnessed at any time?

sunflower · 12-23-2008, 01:56 PM

Ya I told him personally he was out of town and I called him on the phone. And i was bawling. I felt awful and told him repetetly how awful I felt. And me and his friend pretty much act like we hate each other we alway fight and have nothing good really to say about each other. I think that my husband and her flirt more then me and him.

Initfortheduration · 12-23-2008, 01:59 PM

Lets broaden the question out. Has he witnessed you flirting with any other man at anytime? Did you have any history that would lead him to believe that there was a chance you had been unfaithful.

You never elaborated about passing out in the bar. Can you explain the situation?

sunflower · 12-23-2008, 02:31 PM

Oh ok yes I have flirted with other men and he had mentioned that he would watch me talk and laughing with other men and how differant I was with them and with him. How I was always whatever with him and was all into them and what they had to say not really acknolidging him. And the bar pass out happend about two years into our marriage. I went drinking with some girlfriends for St. Pattys and I think I was drugged it was weird well when he came to pick us up I was in the back of a friends car passed out and he had to pick me up he was so upset that he drank himself drunk the next day crying about it to me.

Initfortheduration · 12-23-2008, 03:23 PM

Well I think you just answered your own question. Of why. Because you don't make him feel special. In fact just the opposite. "How I was always whatever with him and was all into them and what they had to say not really acknowledging him." So you disrespect your husband when there are other guys around. He has no reason to believe you did not have sex with the couple. No wonder he's depressed. I wouldn't blame him for leaving either.

Hey here's a question if the roles were reversed and he was dissing you in front of other women, and a you put it "all into them" how would you feel.

He started all this because he doesn't think you care. He's not looking to get laid. He was looking for a woman to love him because his wife just isn't all that into him. I can't dissect your whole marriage. But what I have found out reading what you have written is that you are definitely a self centered person.

It's all about you and what makes you happy. Not once have I read that you are concerned about his feelings. Just that it happened to you. Just the question you ask "would you kiss or have sex in revenge?" Grow up. That's why he wants to leave. YOU ARE A GAME PLAYER. And he is getting sick of it.

sunflower · 12-23-2008, 04:30 PM

I dont even know what to say? Maybe you are right maybe if you really love someone you relate to why and what went wrong on both ends and that you arent so perfect yourself. I think that I am being self centerd in me saying HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? Me, me, me, me. Not once saying how could I do that to you I never sat and thought that what I had done was wrong. Not once did I think that what I did was cheating. And not once did I take his feelings into consideration when hanging out with friends and putting him aside and how I would feel if he did the same to me. I feel awful. I may not understand how that can push someone to cheat. But I will try? to be honest I am suprised he didnt leave me?