swedish

sunflower

So then you think I am equally as wrong in what I have done to him?

Initfortheduration

You were wrong first. Don't you think you should be the one to ask for forgiveness first.

swedish

I actually think your disrespect for him as your husband (by playing strip poker) and your disrespect for him around others (as you've stated and giving other men attention, etc.) is far worse. The reason being that he must have felt horrible thinking his wife didn't care much about him or his feelings or the marriage.

Anything that happened after that, was likely fallout from the above treatment. Not that it makes it right, but I can understand his motives for wanting to feel attractive to another woman since you didn't seem to be making him feel very attractive.

I still don't understand your motive in playing strip poker and running around naked with friends...if I were him, I would wonder why this occurred, whether you are mature enough for marriage and honoring vows or if you still want to have fun even at the expense of your husband.

He seems to want to forget all that and really give your marriage a chance to be an honest, strong relationship...even if it means forgiving the past mistakes.

You just don't seem to be there...you just want him to prove to you that you are the only woman on the planet he has ever been attracted to...he is trying to be open and honest with you, but I don't think you have the maturity to learn from this and move forward. I can see why he is feeling done...I am getting tired just watching you go in circles with this thread.

Initfortheduration

sunflower

Your right in me moving in circles around everything I have never been in this situation and dont know how to cope and it seems that all the couples that we know havent been throught this and would never do this. I think thats whats hard is talking with friends they act like he is such a dog and that there husbands would never. So... I do love my husband and I do know I was wrong and I am going to try to fix it. I will shove aside my pride and do what is write for my family and try not to care what people we know think.

StrongEnough

That is a great mindset. Swallow your pride and ring in 2009 with your husband. Make it a great year working together to have the marriage you both want. Best wishes to you in 2009.

__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.

swedish

One thing that will help you is really having a close relationship with your husband. Since he has opened up to you, rather than rehashing the details with him (I know it's hard to not think about it) start working on having a good, fun relationship with him...do things alone together where you can both relax, smile and enjoy each other's company. If you feel close to one another, what others think will become less important to you. And more importantly, the closer you become, the less anxious you will feel about the past...when those thoughts surface, you will be able to push them aside much easier if you can think of how great things are today.

As far as friends/family, I would recommend not talking to them about this anymore. They can be coming from different places...either they love and care about you and hate seeing you so upset so they are angry with him -or- others may be coming from a place where it's easy to say 'mine would never do that...i'd dump him' but they haven't been in your shoes and some day they might find themself with the same dilemma ... and hopefully they will be able to come to you for some good advice

Any way you look at it, they either don't know the full story (they are hearing what he did to make you upset--do they know about the strip poker, etc?) or they choose to ignore your part in this because they want to be supportive of your emotional state.

It is up to you to decide your marriage is worth getting past these bumps in the road and moving forward together. Say what you need to if family/friends bring it up...'he's really remorseful for what happened and I know he loves me so we are working through this and things are going well between us'...etc.

And, if you flip-flop in your mind again...just keep reading your last post over and over and over....I made the conscious decision to never throw that back in my husband's face down the road...he needs to know he will not spend the rest of his life paying for this mistake.

MarkTwain

Not wanting him to be able to get an erection for any other woman except you is crazy talk. And yet when it's the other way around, you seem to get turned on by every man except him. Personally, if it were me, I would let you "cook in your own juices" as my grandmother used to say.

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MT

sunflower

I know what you are saying ok I know that its normal for people to think and be attracted to someone else everyone is human and everyone has been there admitting it or not. Marriage is hard and its like you can look but dont touch and he touched. I dont get why everyone who is responding to this thread is turning against me. I know what I did was wrong and I am not perfect and have made mistakes myself. I am just confused why my husband when he could have done that with anyone did it wish my best friend well sorry EX best friend? This is where I am coming to let out all my emotions. I have to say this is the first place I have been to where people are more understanding and have been throught simular situations. and I thank you all for being real with me. This morning I talked to one of my good friends and asked her if she would stay with her husband if he did this to her and she told me no. That was hard to hear I just feel so alone and that all our friends are looking at as horrible like looking at him like he wanted her and it was shot down so he is stuck with me. And looking at me like I am a idiot for staying and that my friends is a hard pill to swollow.

swedish

Stop telling friends!!! Vent in here and you won't have to see us face to face and wonder what we think of you, etc....I am not turning against you--I really think your marriage is worth saving, so I may sound harsh, but I really think if you keep going in circles with this, he will leave and your marriage won't make it...

and I'm glad you refer to BF as EX-BF now...she's toxic for your marriage...which should be the #1 relationship you are concerned about.

sunflower

Ya there is no way I could continue to be her friend she tried to kiss him again? its funny how she makes it out like oh he grobed me I was so disgusted blah blah ok so if you were soooo disgusted why did you ask him to kiss you agian PLEASE stupid girl. But I am not going around telling friends they know cause when it all came out people were around to tell the story. Trust me if I had it my way knowbody would know just you guys in here. I think thats what is making it worst for me is our friends knowing and dealing with what they think I mean I havent personally herd what they are saying but you put in your head what they are thinking. I know that we have had a hard begining to our marriag really hard and its hard cause I know the man he is and know he wouldnt intentionally cheat on me. Why is it do you think that he cheated with her anyways? Why? wouldnt he know it would come back?

MarkTwain

And you told her the whole story? Or just the things that your husband did, so that you were not cast in a bad light?

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MT

StrongEnough

It is very hard for close friends to see both sides of the story. They are loyal to you so of course they want to see the least amount of hurt for you. They don't take everything else into consideration.

__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.

sunflower

Ya its really nice talking to people who have been in my spot. That can relate and knowing that people can forgive and move on. I am 26 years old have 2 girls 5 and 3 and I am just figuring out what life is. How stupid and childish we were with each others hearts and emotions. How caught up we got in BS NOW we have to move through the pain. I thought about leaving and this morning it was so sad my 3 year old woke up bawling for her dad so distraught that her father was gone. Then I thought OMG I couldnt leave every morning have my kids wake up without there father? I am deeply hurt by this because I am betrayed. But men cheat for a reason I dont think that most men cheat without a reason. She knew we were vunruable and she jumped on that.