How do I make my wife understand I still love her?
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Old 10-19-2011, 10:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Hello everyone,

I am relatively new here and have been somewhat reluctant to post as I am a WH, (I think I got that right, I'm still learning the terms). I have made many mistakes in the past, going back to the beginning of our relationship. We have been together over 20 years, and have 4 kids, ranging from low to mid teens.

My mistakes....

I had a one night stand just over four years ago, but my wife only found out about it a year ago in 2010. An exgf told my wife of my past indiscretion, while admitting to her that she had also been having a PA with me. I did talk to my exgf but did not sleep with her. My mistake was I never told my wife about our contact. One day my exgf sent me a postcard saying she missed and loved me and she couldn't wait to see me again. My wife found it, and I was able to smooth things over. I guess you guys would consider it an EA. The exgf scenario was the same year I cheated, just earlier in the same year, I cheated in Aug on a vacation w/o my wife and two youngest.

I have spent a lot of time on the internet, especially FB talking to women my wife did not approve of. She has seen several conversations which consisted of sexual comments, to me by others. I would like to stress that I did not encourage this behavior nor reciprocate the innuendos. I have on a couple of occasions come home at 4am, only because I was visiting a female co-worker at a bar and drove her home afterwards. Nothing happened and I stayed so late because we were talking.

Earlier this year my wife had surgery which was fairly debilitating to her. Two days after surgery I went to play baseball with my team. This upset my wife. Although I was only 15 min away and called every hour or so, and was only gone for 5 hours. She had complications after surgery and was admitted to hospital overnight with pneumonia. I realized how frail she looked after I went to visit her the next day. I promised her I loved her and cared for her and that I would be there for her. They released her to my care because the ER was full. When I got her home and set up I got a call from my ball team, they were short players and would forfeit if I didn't show. I reluctantly went and played for 5 more hours, but kept checking in by phone. It was this last incident that caused my wife to file for divorce.

We have been talking, and I have been getting counseling to help with my issues. She agreed to try one more time and gave me a detailed contract to sign, which I did. However, I refused to move out of the basement suite and into our marital bed. We were intimate one night, and my wife insisted she did not just want a sex buddy. Afterwards I was tired and told my wife I would let her sleep and went back to the basement. She approached me a few days later telling me how cheap and used she felt. She told me that she would no longer have relations with me until I moved back into the marital bed. I was frustrated after a few days and got curious about the women on POF (only because a friend was telling me about it). Needless to say my wife found out and went ballistic. I cannot believe I hurt her again. She tells me she doesn't care why I was on, just that I was on, curiosity or not.

My Question is how can I get myself out of this mess? I really do love her and never meant to hurt her like this. Any advice would help.
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Old 10-20-2011, 01:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Well, first thing you need to do is decide where your priorities lie. A wife who needs you because she has had "debilitating" surgery and post-surgery complications? Or a baseball team?

Wake up. You don't care about your wife. And the BS about not encouraging the behavior on FB? That's ridiculous. I've been on social networks for years and haven't had a single communication that could ever cause me embarassment. They said those things to you because you made it obvious that you were receptive.

You are in deep denial about your behavior and your feelings. You want to save your marriage? Get into therapy - not MC, but IC. You need to get your head on straight. Then, if you decide that you want to be married, you can ask for her forgiveness.

A baseball game? Give me a break. She was sick and needed you.
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Old 10-20-2011, 02:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

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Originally Posted by RadicallyAccepting View Post
Well, first thing you need to do is decide where your priorities lie. A wife who needs you because she has had "debilitating" surgery and post-surgery complications? Or a baseball team?

Wake up. You don't care about your wife. And the BS about not encouraging the behavior on FB? That's ridiculous. I've been on social networks for years and haven't had a single communication that could ever cause me embarassment. They said those things to you because you made it obvious that you were receptive.

You are in deep denial about your behavior and your feelings. You want to save your marriage? Get into therapy - not MC, but IC. You need to get your head on straight. Then, if you decide that you want to be married, you can ask for her forgiveness.

A baseball game? Give me a break. She was sick and needed you.

Wow I was married to someone like you for 20 years. You will notice I said was. I hope you are able to understand that she must come first to you, from now on and always. That is what marriage is all about, or it's a waist of time. My x H just never got it, and he was gobsmacked when I finally walked out. Then he was willing to do what ever it took to get me back, but he had put me second too many times. When I left, I never looked back.
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Old 10-20-2011, 07:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

wow, really

are you sure you love your wife because it certainly doesn't sound like it in the slightest. You sound incredibly selfish.

Do your wife a favor and give her the divorce so she can be free to find someone more deserving of her love
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Old 10-20-2011, 07:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Like most cheaters, you want your words to have the desired impact on your betrayed spouse. Unfortunately for you, your betrayal has destroyed your credibility.

You prove your love WITH ACTIONS and more so in your case. Sadly your actions have left a lot to be desired as far as proving your so called love for her.

If your lucky and your wife gives you another chance, then you take action by always being an open book to her (no secrets) and giving her what she needs from you (emotional and physical support). If she tells you she wants you back in the marital bed you do it without question and if your buddies want you to play a kid's game with them while your wife is enduring a debilitating physical ailment, you tell them NO.

Your ACTIONS are how you will convey your love to your wife. Etch that into your brain.
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:11 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

This has to be a troll. Seriously, you left you wife with surgical complications who probably should have been in the hospital if they had had a bed for her, to play a BASEBALL GAME? Guys, this person isn't for real. I refuse to believe it.
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

How old are you Trying? From your actions you sound very young, far too young to be married. You seem to cream attention from wherever you can get it like a teenager would as he starts out in the field of sexual experience.

Step 1. Understand that your actions are not mistakes. Accept that you put yourself before your wife and spent little to no time thinking how she would feel about it.
Step 2. Grow up and stop acting like your wife is a ball and chain around your neck. If you feel like that LET HER GO and let her discover a love she deserves.
Step 3. If you can accept your unreasonable behaviour and you're willing to grow up and treat her like a human, then cross your fingers and hope that she's wanting to continue a commitment to you.

Actions are louder than words.

BE a better husband.
BE a more supportive husband.
BE there for her.
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Dude. Here's a fair warning, your in the wrong place. Your bulls*t wont fly. If you come in "naked" and lay it all out seeking to understand and change your own behavior, this place will be an incredicble resource for you. It may well save your life and your marriage. It has for many others who used it properly.

If you have really convinced yourself of the total bulls*t you just regurgitated, your problems are deeper than anyone here will be able to help you with. Before you say another word, I suggest to take a good hard look at yourself and what you just said. It's total fu*king crap, we know it and you know it.

Wanna start over?
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Apologies
Empathy
Transparency
Honesty
Accountability
Tell the truth
No more lies
No more inappropriate contact with other women
No dating sites
No more hurting your wife
Moving back intot he marital bed
Marital counselling.

There is a LOT of damage here. Rome wasn't built in a day so if you have any chance of rebuilding what you destroyed, it is going to take a lot of sweat on your part.

A question for you re: POF...Why did you do that? I ask for my own person curiosity becase my H did the same when we were reconciling/things were going well. I want to know why you got on dating sites after there was already so much of a mess to clean up?
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Seriously? You left your wife in the hospital after major surgery to play baseball?

You know, I'm fairly jock-ish myself. But if that scenario came up where my girl was just recovering from major surgery, my baseball team could forfeit the damn game.
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Gosh... you sound like my STBXH... if it wasn't for the baseball game and the surgery, I would have sworn that you were him just changing up a couple of the details so that I wouldn't know you were him.

That being said - he claims that he loves me, despite doing the things you have said over and over during our marriage.... and I don't believe him. We are in MC, but as I told the counselor last night - how can he possibly love me and still do all the things? And if he does truly think he loves me.. and this is his way of showing it... I don't want his kind of love...
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:14 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

The worst part is that the reason you went to play the baseball game is that the team was DOWN SOME PLAYERS. So there were other people ON YOUR TEAM who were missing the game already. I wonder what excuses they had? Apparently much better excuses than "tending to my seriously ill wife who was kicked out of an overflowing emergency room".

I don't think anyone here is buying this.

If you aren't lying to us, you're lying to yourself. You don't love her.
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:25 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by omega View Post
If you aren't lying to us, you're lying to yourself. You don't love her.
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

Agree this has to be a troll. The post reads like an instruction manual on "How to prove you have no respect or love for your wife." Someone would have to be seriously delusional to write out all those details and not see the $#!tsandwich he's serving his wife on a daily basis. If you are for real, then all I can say is get help. And if you are a troll, the same advice is applicable.
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:43 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I make my wife understand I still love her?

I'm all for 2x4s and constructive criticism and slap-them-upside-the-head with the TRUTH posts to the posters that come on here, but we need to sometimes simmer it down because if not, we are going to run the OPs off.

Don't be afraid to come back, Trying. A lot of people on here have been the betrayed spouse before so you are in shark's territory so I commend you for coming on at all. You are going to hear a lot of TRUTH thrown at you but at the same time we want you to feel comfortable enough to share your story and answer questions we have that may help advise you.
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