How do I make my wife understand I still love her?
I am relatively new here and have been somewhat reluctant to post as I am a WH, (I think I got that right, I'm still learning the terms). I have made many mistakes in the past, going back to the beginning of our relationship. We have been together over 20 years, and have 4 kids, ranging from low to mid teens.
I had a one night stand just over four years ago, but my wife only found out about it a year ago in 2010. An exgf told my wife of my past indiscretion, while admitting to her that she had also been having a PA with me. I did talk to my exgf but did not sleep with her. My mistake was I never told my wife about our contact. One day my exgf sent me a postcard saying she missed and loved me and she couldn't wait to see me again. My wife found it, and I was able to smooth things over. I guess you guys would consider it an EA. The exgf scenario was the same year I cheated, just earlier in the same year, I cheated in Aug on a vacation w/o my wife and two youngest.
I have spent a lot of time on the internet, especially FB talking to women my wife did not approve of. She has seen several conversations which consisted of sexual comments, to me by others. I would like to stress that I did not encourage this behavior nor reciprocate the innuendos. I have on a couple of occasions come home at 4am, only because I was visiting a female co-worker at a bar and drove her home afterwards. Nothing happened and I stayed so late because we were talking.
Earlier this year my wife had surgery which was fairly debilitating to her. Two days after surgery I went to play baseball with my team. This upset my wife. Although I was only 15 min away and called every hour or so, and was only gone for 5 hours. She had complications after surgery and was admitted to hospital overnight with pneumonia. I realized how frail she looked after I went to visit her the next day. I promised her I loved her and cared for her and that I would be there for her. They released her to my care because the ER was full. When I got her home and set up I got a call from my ball team, they were short players and would forfeit if I didn't show. I reluctantly went and played for 5 more hours, but kept checking in by phone. It was this last incident that caused my wife to file for divorce.
We have been talking, and I have been getting counseling to help with my issues. She agreed to try one more time and gave me a detailed contract to sign, which I did. However, I refused to move out of the basement suite and into our marital bed. We were intimate one night, and my wife insisted she did not just want a sex buddy. Afterwards I was tired and told my wife I would let her sleep and went back to the basement. She approached me a few days later telling me how cheap and used she felt. She told me that she would no longer have relations with me until I moved back into the marital bed. I was frustrated after a few days and got curious about the women on POF (only because a friend was telling me about it). Needless to say my wife found out and went ballistic. I cannot believe I hurt her again. She tells me she doesn't care why I was on, just that I was on, curiosity or not.
My Question is how can I get myself out of this mess? I really do love her and never meant to hurt her like this. Any advice would help.