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Oh no.... now what?

15K views 143 replies 25 participants last post by  FML2011 
#1 ·
Oh no... now what?

I was scanning our cell phone bills and it turns out there are alot (and I mean alot) of texts and calls from and to my husband and the same number.

So I called it and it was a woman. I texted asking who it was and the person texted back saying who am I? I said who I was and the texting stopped immediately.

F**&*-- after 23 years of marriage, really? Now what do I do? I honestly cannot believe he would do this... I really can't. But what else could it be, honestly?

I feel like throwing up.
 
#49 ·
I should also point out that like you I was all set to get a D, somehow I found it in me to R, you can read my story if youd like (when youre ready) but it really depends on your husband's willingness to do the right things and if that's the case we can point that out to you
 
#53 ·
Even if he only admitted to an EA I would still get tested. Guaranteed there'll be more to come out - trickle truth is the norm, not the exception.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know exactly how you feel :(
 
#55 ·
I couldn't either. The sight of him made my skin crawl. I wanted to hit him and hit him and just keep on hitting him. The sound of his voice made me want to stick a fork down his throat.

Right now you just need to take care of YOU. Your kids will be fine - really they will. You don't need to make any decisions about them today. Just breathe.
 
#57 ·
to reiterate the things you need to do now-

1) get a lawyer
2) make a doctor's appointment for std testing and to consider antianxiety meds or antidepressants, this will be one of the most stressful times of your life and there is no shame in doing as such
3) get OW's info and expose the affair to her husband
 
#63 ·
Not to sound calleous, but I've seen some of your other posts on other threads and it sounded like your weren't really having sex or intimacy with him anymore...... he probably figured you checked out of the marriage awhile ago and started getting the missing components from someone else. That's the danger of not providing the the core necessities to hold a relationship together, someone else always will.
 
#64 ·
I should point out I don't mean to advocate or excuse what he did cause I certainly do not - but it is a basis of how these things start. And why he immediately says "I guess I'll move out". He knows if you weren't putting effort into the relationship before this, and seemed uninterested, then you certainly aren't going to now.
 
#70 ·
And why he immediately says "I guess I'll move out". He knows if you weren't putting effort into the relationship before this, and seemed uninterested, then you certainly aren't going to now.
Your speculations are irresponsible and inflammatory.

She has no responsibilty for her husbands choice to betray her and her children!!!!

What the fu*ks wrong with you?.
 
#71 ·
Lisa, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I don't know what to say. Other than maybe a blessing in disguise in the very looong run.
Keep in mind his inheritance that he likes to keep nice in tact for his 'nest egg'. Keep your wits about you and take care of you!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#72 ·
I did actually point out that it WAS NOT AN EXCUSE, and I DID NOT SUPPORT his actions. They were his, and his alone. But often when this happens there are other contributing factors. Putting your head in the sand and saying it was all 100% someones fault doesn't do anyone any justice, nor does it address any underlying problems or identify a starting point for rectifying problems - it is however very easy to simply demonize one person and free the other one.

However, I may have posted in haste. Although I have seen "a few" previous posts on other threads I have not followed her complete story - and if I missed a whole lot of other backstory that paints an entirely different story than I apologize for speaking without first properly informing myself.
 
#73 ·
There is NEVER an 'excuse' or a 'reason' for someone to cheat on their spouse. And when you've just found out, to have someone say that any part of it can in any way be attributed to your actions cuts like a knife. It doesn't matter WHAT the backstory is - I have no idea what the backstory is either.
 
#74 ·
Just as an interesting point, from my situation.
For several YEARS, yes, YEARS, my exwife would never initiate intimacy. When I did, it was a gamble, as to what problem would prevent it this time...
Many "reasons" were very similar;
--not feeling well
--starting to cramp during PMS
--not feeling well
--stressful day, and p!ssed off
etc. etc. etc.
All it led to was years going by with nothing.
Yet,,,, she would attend and purchase "toys" and what not from several "modern day tupperware parties" which were for couples, that seemed to at least indicate an interest in the area.
But again, I would hear requests for "patience" and "understanding", which all led to just more time down the drain.

Imagine my shock, when she became involved with a highschool sweetheart and kept it hidden for three months before I found the cell phone bills and calls and texts hundreds of times back and forth.

All that "patience" and "understanding" as a loving husband, who btw, was most able and capable of performing well in the bedroom, lest some of you think I wasnt....
it all turned out to be a bunch of bullsh!t really.
This situation was a woman that refused intimacy in her marriage, and then went out and had a ball outside of it.

Oh well.. I guess my point is even when a person has it good at home, in their marriage, and dont suffer the refusal of intimacy, they can still go out and act like a cheating ho-bag.
 
#75 ·
Just as an interesting point, from my situation.
For several YEARS, yes, YEARS, my exwife would never initiate intimacy. When I did, it was a gamble, as to what problem would prevent it this time...
Many "reasons" were very similar;
--not feeling well
--starting to cramp during PMS
--not feeling well
--stressful day, and p!ssed off
etc. etc. etc.
All it led to was years going by with nothing.
Yet,,,, she would attend and purchase "toys" and what not from several "modern day tupperware parties" which were for couples, that seemed to at least indicate an interest in the area.
But again, I would hear requests for "patience" and "understanding", which all led to just more time down the drain.

Imagine my shock, when she became involved with a highschool sweetheart and kept it hidden for three months before I found the cell phone bills and calls and texts hundreds of times back and forth.

All that "patience" and "understanding" as a loving husband, who btw, was most able and capable of performing well in the bedroom, lest some of you think I wasnt....
it all turned out to be a bunch of bullsh!t really.
This situation was a woman that refused intimacy in her marriage, and then went out and had a ball outside of it.

Oh well.. I guess my point is even when a person has it good at home, in their marriage, and dont suffer the refusal of intimacy, they can still go out and act like a cheating ho-bag.
:smthumbup: yup!

It happened to me, so I know all about it.
 
#77 ·
I got to a point with the continued, and then greatly presumptive knowledge that I would be denied, that I gave up asking. I told myself no matter what, shes going to have to approach me, because my self confidence by that time was a squashed piece of gum on the road. Screw "ego", imagine hearing others say that I had little self-esteem, after all that time. Well no sh!t..
Then again, I was required, both from within my own sense of honor and the commitment to my marriage, to turn down the interest of very beautiful women that would approach me.
All so I could go home, and sleep next to the wall of pillows between the frigid ex and I.
 
#90 ·
You're doing great. You sound strong - you ARE strong. Your girls are going to be fine because you are going to be fine. Like you said, you don't need him!!

Almostrecovered posted a good list of things to start with if you do the MC route. If you do that, make sure you have a counselor who knows what you need - do not let them tell you to 'get over it' or any of that BS.

My daughter was 16 when I kicked my husband out and all she needed to know was if I was all right. As long as she knew I was doing what *I* wanted to do, as hard as it was, she was ok.
 
#104 ·
Lisa--I just read your thread.

Who is the OW? Is she married/partnered? If so, yoU MUST out her to her partner immediately.

As for your husband, since he admitted and wants out I would tell him he can GTFO. He's not welcome in your home as long as he's betraying you and carrying on with some wh*re. Make that crystal clear. Do not be nice to him. Do not reward his bad behavior.

Go see a lawyer and discuss your options.

Tough love is the only way to approach this. DO NOT CHASE AFTER SOMEONE who is running away from you!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you beg him to stay and cry for him, he will see you as a weak woman. Show him you are NOT and you don't need this bullsh*t in your life.

And do NOT text her again. She is a ****roach and not worth the dirty on the street.

DO expose her cheating if she is married/and to her family.



 
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