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Oh no.... now what?

15K views 143 replies 25 participants last post by  FML2011 
#1 ·
Oh no... now what?

I was scanning our cell phone bills and it turns out there are alot (and I mean alot) of texts and calls from and to my husband and the same number.

So I called it and it was a woman. I texted asking who it was and the person texted back saying who am I? I said who I was and the texting stopped immediately.

F**&*-- after 23 years of marriage, really? Now what do I do? I honestly cannot believe he would do this... I really can't. But what else could it be, honestly?

I feel like throwing up.
 
#106 ·
Can you find out who she is in facebook or something to confirm whether she is partnered or not? Do you have any idea who she is?

Re: the money...protect it. Because it's very possible he could clear you out, take the money, and run. Esp. since you've been the breadwinner. You need to protect yourself at all costs now.

Now is the time to take a hard stance. And I'd keep the affair letters you found as evidence.



 
#107 ·
Move all the money's to an account under your control. Don't fret about what he is saying he is in the fog , take hard action. What will the OW fear most ? Exposure . Track her address, her family , her friends , her co-workers down. This affair is only flourishing because the OW thinks she is safe , once you have their details post an update and we will provinde an exposure letter.

Inaction on your part helps the affair , it will continue to flourish is you do not take steps to rattle their affair world.
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#108 ·
I've always felt that contacting the OW makes you (as a wife) seem weak. Like SHE'S got one up on you. She's nothing. Nothing but a pest... the teetsie fly in your marriage. I know you want to know things about her, but really she's irrelevant.

Cards, texts, the kids know... it's about as bad as it gets right now. One consolation you should have Lisa is now you know without a doubt that this is his doing. His funky*ss attitude and everything he found wrong with you and the girls had nothing to do with any of you.

Take the anger you have and use it to get you out of this. Take care of your girls and yourself. Spend time together and show them that their mother can weather ANY storm. You've been doing it all along, just keep it going. You'll want to cry, have a breakdown, the whole nine... I've been there too. I wouldn't do it in front of my kids. They needed to see me stand strong, take care of them and handle my business. I cried myself to sleep many nights, but it propelled me to do what I needed to do the next day. Soon the days became weeks, which became months... and we all were okay.
 
#111 ·
Try putting her number on the following sites:

tnid.org

spokeo.com (hit the phone number tab first)

spokeo is creepy, it even has a picture of my house when I put my WH name. Spokeo.com did not help me when I entered her number, but once I had her name, spokeo.com gave me her husband's name and her address.

It doesn't always work, nothing comes up when I enter my name and number.
 
#114 ·
Try putting her number on the following sites:tnid.org

spokeo.com (hit the phone number tab first)

spokeo is creepy, it even has a picture of my house when I put my WH name. Spokeo.com did not help me when I entered her number, but once I had her name, spokeo.com gave me her husband's name and her address.

It doesn't always work, nothing comes up when I enter my name and number.

I'm sorry but I need to ask. What good could come from any of this? The time you spend trying to be I-Spy can be spent getting more important things done. SHE isn't important.
 
#112 ·
I am not convinced that tracking down the OW is always the best course of action. I never had that problem since my husband interacted with escorts and prostitutes though, so I don't have first hand experience. Just thinking back, though, to my mindset those first few days, I had enough to worry about and be angry about without having to also worry about who exactly he was screwing and 'outing' them if they were partnered. I guess if it's something you need to do right away then by all means, but if it isn't I would wait and take care of yourself and your girls first.
 
#121 ·
I'm a huge believer in karma. If I'm feeling magnanimous and have all my own ducks in a row and aren't riding the emotional high any more, then maybe I'll be ready to turn my attention to the OW and figure out who she is and whether she's married and has kids and how to contact her husband. But that's gonna be down there on my list of priorities, and by the time I get there hopefully her world will already have crashed down around her.

Besides, how many husbands are gonna believe some whacked out cheated-on weirdo who shows up out of the blue and accuses their wife of screwing around? Sure some will, some will have already suspected, but many are going to bury their heads in the sand and ignore all the evidence in the world.
 
#122 ·
In my experiences, everything I needed to know came out eventually anyway in it's own time. I was ready to handle the information then. One thing at a time worked out great for me. I was able to make a calm and informed decision when it counted.

Curiosity is a funny thing. It can become a pandora's box of sorts if you keep picking. You don't want to be doing that when you aren't emotionally prepared to deal with what you find. It can really send you over the edge when you should have your wits about you. Other people are depending on you to have your wits about you and you owe it to them to keep it together.
 
#138 ·
My focus wouldn't be on that other person. My spouse will let me know everything I need to know with their actions.

It would really suck if it was someone I knew personally, but it still doesn't matter. My spouse is the one that chose to enter into infidelity with another person. I want to know why, and if they are committed to us or if they want out. That's it.

When my ex was caught, he promised it was over, la dee da, and 6 months later his actions proved different. He was right back to his old tricks. Lying about his whereabouts, not answering his phone, disappearing for time that was unaccounted for. Treating me differently. I didn't need to see anything else or speak to anyone. It was all right in front of me.

To focus on the other woman is an exercise in futility. It serves no purpose other than to further inflict pain upon myself. Why do that? I would be hurting enough with my husband betraying me. I don't need to spend my time comparing myself to some chick who had his attention when he wasn't with me. She's just not important.
 
#131 ·
If my husband worked with the OW, he would have to change jobs. If she was on his ball team, he'd be dropping that ball team. If it was my sister, I'd probably freak at both of them. A friend, they'd not be a friend any longer.

What to watch out for would be the same whether I knew who she was or not. No contact means no contact. It's up to him to prove it too, moreso than it's up to me to find out about it. Sure I will snoop in his phone and his email and his bank statements, but I still do that and there never was another woman for me in the first place. I'm not seeing how it matters if I know exactly who she is or not, really.

And Almostrecovered, maybe I am not typical in my reactions. Hence where I said that if it's something you feel you do need right away, then go for it. I just don't think every BS needs to be told right off the bat that they have to find out who it is, because not everyone is going to need that right away.

My thinking is pretty black and white I guess. He fu*ked up therefore it's up to him to prove he's being 'good'. If he doesn't do so, then he's out the door. If I ask for proof of something and he won't provide it, then he's in trouble. Trust, but make HIM verify.
 
#137 ·
They do, but they shouldn't. The 180 really DOES work. I like to think they should be convinced to do the 180 rather than waste time trying to verify their spouse is a lying cheating bastard when they already know he is.
 
#139 ·
Lisa, just caught up on this thread and I am so sorry for what you're going through. You are doing better than anyone could ever expect for someone in your current situation. It seems that you are not going to put up with his bullsh!t and that is good - if you really want to work on R and you think he can be up to it then do what others are suggesting, do everything you can to kill his affair, demand he be completely transparent, don't let whatever pathetic threats he can make against you stick, even though he is the one that has caused all this pain right now you have the power to dictate how its going to be. You have been here enough to know about the fog and you understand he is in it right now, so don't expect him to want to end it right away, but he needs to have some remorse for his behavior and acknowledge the pain he has caused you. For me, even though I saw my W was batshyt crazy to want to quit on the marriage I let myself wait for a little while, but soon realized that her being so unapologetic and unremorseful prevented her from ever being able to see me in the light that I needed to be in as her H, so I let her go. If/when you get to that point, just detach completely and don't give an ounce of effort to his cause. You will be fine, it will take some time, but you will get there.
 
#140 ·
Thanks , he has made is clear he isn't interested in R-- I think he is a fool, but I cannot make him love us and I won't beg him. The kids are devastated. And of course I had to deal with that too (he came when we weren't home, took all his stuff and left)-- coward
 
#144 ·
I'm sorry you are going thru this but you sound like a strong, confident woman and that's such a plus! I was weak from the start (dDay was July 30th) and am just now gaining my strength after getting WH out of the house.

Regarding the power of information...I am all for it. In my case, I was able to find out the OW was in an illegal green card marriage and therefore reported her to immigration. Not sure anything will become of it, but it made me feel better :D
 
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