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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Oh no.... now what?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-21-2011, 12:32 PM   #121 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
I think if she can do digging and if this chick is married, then DEF out her to her husband/partner. Affair should be exposed so the other party knows.
I'm a huge believer in karma. If I'm feeling magnanimous and have all my own ducks in a row and aren't riding the emotional high any more, then maybe I'll be ready to turn my attention to the OW and figure out who she is and whether she's married and has kids and how to contact her husband. But that's gonna be down there on my list of priorities, and by the time I get there hopefully her world will already have crashed down around her.

Besides, how many husbands are gonna believe some whacked out cheated-on weirdo who shows up out of the blue and accuses their wife of screwing around? Sure some will, some will have already suspected, but many are going to bury their heads in the sand and ignore all the evidence in the world.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:34 PM   #122 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

In my experiences, everything I needed to know came out eventually anyway in it's own time. I was ready to handle the information then. One thing at a time worked out great for me. I was able to make a calm and informed decision when it counted.

Curiosity is a funny thing. It can become a pandora's box of sorts if you keep picking. You don't want to be doing that when you aren't emotionally prepared to deal with what you find. It can really send you over the edge when you should have your wits about you. Other people are depending on you to have your wits about you and you owe it to them to keep it together.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:35 PM   #123 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

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Information IS power, but this type of info IMO is completely irrelevant.
Really?
If the OW is married or in a relationship knowing that fact can be the key to tearing her husband away from her.

There may be other things about this OW that could be used to Lisas advantage but she won`t know until she has the knowledge.

If my wife were cheating you can bet I`d have the OM`s entire life history at my disposal.

Knowledge is always power, it`s never irrelevant especially in this situation.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:36 PM   #124 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

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I'm a huge believer in karma. If I'm feeling magnanimous and have all my own ducks in a row and aren't riding the emotional high any more, then maybe I'll be ready to turn my attention to the OW and figure out who she is and whether she's married and has kids and how to contact her husband. But that's gonna be down there on my list of priorities, and by the time I get there hopefully her world will already have crashed down around her.

Besides, how many husbands are gonna believe some whacked out cheated-on weirdo who shows up out of the blue and accuses their wife of screwing around? Sure some will, some will have already suspected, but many are going to bury their heads in the sand and ignore all the evidence in the world.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:38 PM   #125 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

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Really?
If the OW is married or in a relationship knowing that fact can be the key to tearing her husband away from her.There may be other things about this OW that could be used to Lisas advantage but she won`t know until she has the knowledge.

If my wife were cheating you can bet I`d have the OM`s entire life history at my disposal.

Knowledge is always power, it`s never irrelevant especially in this situation.

Yeah because THAT'S a healthy focus to have. Do unto others?? I don't follow that mantra. It has a tendency to backfire. Karma is funny that way... it works on it's own without any push or help from us.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:42 PM   #126 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

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Yeah because THAT'S a healthy focus to have. Do unto others?? I don't follow that mantra. It has a tendency to backfire. Karma is funny that way... it works on it's own without any push or help from us.
Ahhh..you rely on the karma fairy.

I try to take care of myself, I usually find a better outcome that way.

Joking aside, I don`t see how knowledge of the OW can be anything but a positive.

To be willfully ignorant of such a core property of the problem isn`t going to help solve the problem.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:43 PM   #127 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

Oh I totally nelieve the betrayed spouse has a right to know. As of now, we don't know if chick is married.

I do believe that everything done in the dark eventually comes to light.

Re: Karma... generally shows up at it's own pace, when nobody is expecting it...

I believe in karma nd I don't. Though --what goes around almost always comes around.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:43 PM   #128 (permalink)
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Yeah, this is pretty much how I feel too. Sure, information is power, but when your whole world has just been blown to bits and you don't know how you're going to feed your kids next week, (as an example, not saying that's the case here) seems to me your energy could be better spent elsewhere.

Eventually you'll probably want that info to facilitate your own healing, but it isn't urgent right at the beginning.
no offense but you react differently than most (and that's fine, whatever works for you is all good), I contend it is an important thing to do for the majority of BS's for the reasons outlined
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:48 PM   #129 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

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Ahhh..you rely on the karma fairy.

I try to take care of myself, I usually find a better outcome that way.

Joking aside, I don`t see how knowledge of the OW can be anything but a positive.

To be willfully ignorant of such a core property of the problem isn`t going to help solve the problem.
Willfully ignorant? Nope. She's a woman, and she's been fecking my husband. Got all I need to know right there. Now back to damage control....

The kids need to be tended to. He needs to be either shown the door or plopped down into a marriage counselors chair. #1 focus is on US and our marriage state, not what some floozy is doing and what her plans are with my husband. I don't care. He's the one who opened the door to her, so let's focus on what the heck the gatekeepers issue is. She's just akin to a stray cat he let in IMO.

She isn't the core of any problem. HE is.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:52 PM   #130 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

Hope and A Bit:

what if OW/OH is somebody you know? A friend, a relative, a co-worker. How comfortable would you feel that the A is over if they are still seeing that other person. How would you know who to watch out for?
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:11 PM   #131 (permalink)
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If my husband worked with the OW, he would have to change jobs. If she was on his ball team, he'd be dropping that ball team. If it was my sister, I'd probably freak at both of them. A friend, they'd not be a friend any longer.

What to watch out for would be the same whether I knew who she was or not. No contact means no contact. It's up to him to prove it too, moreso than it's up to me to find out about it. Sure I will snoop in his phone and his email and his bank statements, but I still do that and there never was another woman for me in the first place. I'm not seeing how it matters if I know exactly who she is or not, really.

And Almostrecovered, maybe I am not typical in my reactions. Hence where I said that if it's something you feel you do need right away, then go for it. I just don't think every BS needs to be told right off the bat that they have to find out who it is, because not everyone is going to need that right away.

My thinking is pretty black and white I guess. He fu*ked up therefore it's up to him to prove he's being 'good'. If he doesn't do so, then he's out the door. If I ask for proof of something and he won't provide it, then he's in trouble. Trust, but make HIM verify.
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:12 PM   #132 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

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no offense but you react differently than most (and that's fine, whatever works for you is all good), I contend it is an important thing to do for the majority of BS's for the reasons outlined
I agree, but doesn't the importance of investigating the affair diminish in importance if an affair is a deal breaker for you, unless you find out that knowing details helps in the divorce? I think Lisa indicated that she hasn't made that decision yet.
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:17 PM   #133 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

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I agree, but doesn't the importance of investigating the affair diminish in importance if an affair is a deal breaker for you, unless you find out that knowing details helps in the divorce? I think Lisa indicated that she hasn't made that decision yet.
to a degree sure, but as you said she hasn't made that decision

but here's a good point about investigation-

WH comes home says he wants to work things out and then proceeds to lie about details- the BS has nothing to verify this and then has their hopes up to be dashed later when they do investigate or worse, merely takes them at their word
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:19 PM   #134 (permalink)
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add the fact our imaginations can be worse than reality

You know how we as BS's get, we dwell on this stuff
thus when we dwell on the unknown we start imagining all sorts of stuff, the truth is freeing in many aspects
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:19 PM   #135 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

I just assumed mine was a liar and didn't believe a word he said at first till he had proven otherwise. Made things MUCH simpler.
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