Oh no.... now what?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-20-2011, 10:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Oh no... now what?

I was scanning our cell phone bills and it turns out there are alot (and I mean alot) of texts and calls from and to my husband and the same number.

So I called it and it was a woman. I texted asking who it was and the person texted back saying who am I? I said who I was and the texting stopped immediately.

F**&*-- after 23 years of marriage, really? Now what do I do? I honestly cannot believe he would do this... I really can't. But what else could it be, honestly?

I feel like throwing up.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no... now what?

get your butt to the CWI forum, they will help
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no... now what?

btw- I noticed you have lots of threads concerning your husband's behavior- do know that his cheating now makes more sense in regards to all of that. Cheaters vilify their spouse in order to feel justified to cheat (and likely most of your problems were NOT your fault)
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Oh no.... now what?

was scanning our cell phone bills and it turns out there are alot (and I mean alot) of texts and calls from and to my husband and the same number.

So I called it and it was a woman. I texted asking who it was and the person texted back saying who am I? I said who I was and the texting stopped immediately.

F**&*-- after 23 years of marriage, really? Now what do I do? I honestly cannot believe he would do this... I really can't. But what else could it be, honestly?

I feel like throwing up.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no... now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
btw- I noticed you have lots of threads concerning your husband's behavior- do know that his cheating now makes more sense in regards to all of that. Cheaters vilify their spouse in order to feel justified to cheat (and likely most of your problems were NOT your fault)
I really don't want this to be true... I really don't... I cannot face this... our family, our daughters... OMG.... how can I be sure it is true?
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

step one-

start amassing evidence. If you confront now he will likely spin this to be just "friendship" and that you are being crazy (this is called gaslighting)


get a keylogger on the computer now
get his passwords to his email and facebook and start snooping
check the phone number at cidlookup.com and start gathering info on the OW
what kind of phone does he have as you can possibly retrieve texts?
also, buy a VAR and put it in his car so you can hear his secret calls that he makes (many Waywards make calls in the car)
GPS or phone spyware is recommended too
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no... now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa3girls View Post
I really don't want this to be true... I really don't... I cannot face this... our family, our daughters... OMG.... how can I be sure it is true?
try to get calm
your emotional roller coaster will be your enemy right now and you will do things you shouldn't and without thinking. You need to listen to us in CWI and we can help you through this
go look at the advice I gave you on that thread there for starters, also click my welcome cwi newbie link
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

Throw up... cry... scream.. punch a wall.. whatever you need to do to release that emotion.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I think I speak for us when I say that we are here to support you. Take a minute to calm down and gather information... then confront your H and see what he has to say. I guarantee she has already texted or called him and so he (or they) are already preparing the story... ask to see the text messages... if he has deleted them, but denies an affair ["she's just a friend"], you know he's lying.

Give him a chance to tell you the truth. Then you decide what you want to do from there.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

Sounds like an EA to me (similar to mine, except 30 years of marriage). I do hope I'm wrong.

You need to confront him right now and demand all of the facts. Be prepared to hear things you will not like. The texts likely had passionate statement exchanges. There might also be emails as well. Demand all logins and passwords for email FB, and anything else.

Read many of the posts here on boundaries and a no contact agreement. You came to the right place for help. But the final decision of action is always yours.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:20 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

lisa, what kind of phone does he have?
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

You sort of tipped your hand already by contacting this other woman. What she probably did is contact your husband right after letting him know you sent her a text. I would look at online phone records to see if she did contact him after your text, and if he behaves differently next time you see him. If he had incriminating texts on his phone he might just delete them. But I would try to get his phone and read what they had been texting anyway in case they hadn't been deleted. Does he hide his phone from you or lock it with a password?

Was your gut telling you something was wrong before you saw the calls on the phone records? Other red flags?

I would investigate more before confronting him, but he may already be aware since you contacted the other woman.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
step one-

start amassing evidence. If you confront now he will likely spin this to be just "friendship" and that you are being crazy (this is called gaslighting)


get a keylogger on the computer now
get his passwords to his email and facebook and start snooping
check the phone number at cidlookup.com and start gathering info on the OW
what kind of phone does he have as you can possibly retrieve texts?
also, buy a VAR and put it in his car so you can hear his secret calls that he makes (many Waywards make calls in the car)
GPS or phone spyware is recommended too
I won't buy 'friendship'-- no way no how. I couldn't get anything from CID lookup. He has a cheap phone on my plan. I have no idea other than to take it from him to retrieve texts. I don't want to play games, if he is cheating he can leave... plain and simple.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:23 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no... now what?

Well this is interesting. Sucks big time, but it does explain things a bit better doesn't it? He's not a jerk for NO REASON whatsoever, he's a jerk because you don't measure up to his 'ideal'. Good thing you found this out.

Have you contacted him yet over this?
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:23 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by StrangerThanFiction View Post
You sort of tipped your hand already by contacting this other woman. What she probably did is contact your husband right after letting him know you sent her a text. I would look at online phone records to see if she did contact him after your text, and if he behaves differently next time you see him. If he had incriminating texts on his phone he might just delete them. But I would try to get his phone and read what they had been texting anyway in case they hadn't been deleted. Does he hide his phone from you or lock it with a password?

Was your gut telling you something was wrong before you saw the calls on the phone records? Other red flags?

I would investigate more before confronting him, but he may already be aware since you contacted the other woman.

I dont' want to play games. If he is cheating, I just want it over. I was really hoping I was wrong and there was some logical explanation for it. What purpose will it serve to drag it out and catch him?
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oh no.... now what?

He will most likely gaslight you so see it for what it is. Don't let him make you feel like you are crazy or that it is anything but.
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