I can't seem to even function anymore...
I could really use some suggestions on how to move on, how to stop crying, how to not cringe when I see my husband or how to not replay the visions of his affairs over and over in my mind.
I've been married for six years and together for a total of 11 years. I found out in July that he'd been having an emotional affair with my best friend. I went to check the weather on his laptop and found email after email from MY friend open. Naturally I wanted to know why on earth he has emails from my friend and was sickened to realize that for months they'd been going back and forth almost constantly throughout the day texting or emailing back and forth their sexual thoughts and sexual fantasies with each other. They got unbelievably explicit with their talk. I thought he just communicated with customers that often... nope, he was doing all of this crap right in front of me and our kids. He claims nothing physical happened, I doubt that but can't prove otherwise. I thought all of that was going to destroy me, but then in late August, just when I started to feel like maybe, just maybe, I could move past knowing what he would do with my best friend ("friend" is long out of the picture!!!) I then found out that he'd been having an affair with another woman, which included her coming and meeting him on at least one of this three day "business trips" and enjoying plenty of sex with each other. He didn’t even have the audacity to use a condom. He’s had a vasectomy, but still, does he not care whatsoever that he could be bring some horrendous STD home to me??? Their affair went on for months although he swears they met up physically only once at the end of April. Apparently for awhile there were plans being made for her to move to around here and apparently they’d live happily ever after. She is from Canada though so a quick move wasn’t quite as easy as I’m sure they would have preferred. I also found self pornographic videos created by my husband, sent to her, and videos from her, sent to him. I can't express how sick it makes me. I’m sickened to know he’d even do such a thing.
I just don't know where to go from here. He swears that after all of this he realizes how much he loves me (that seems to be the standard line that cheaters use) and that he'll do anything to keep us together. I have to admit that there have been very positive changes in our house that I never in a million years would have thought would happen. He is trying. He is, but how do I move on? I want to stay together for the kids but also because of the positives we do have... we have 11 years of life invested with each other and have built ourselves a nice little life (aside from all this). I want to stay, but how do I ever look him in the eyes again with the slightest ounce of respect, or not cringe by him even putting his hand on my shoulder? The images that I have of him and her holed up in this hotel room for three days having a wonderful sex fest, just haunts me… All the while I’m at home coddling the kids because they miss dad who is away on “business”. How can I possibly move on? How can I possibly forgive? More than anything how can I at least get to the point where I feel like I can function again? Everything around me has gone to pot because I just couldn’t care less anymore to accomplish anything. I am nowhere near the emotionally present mom that my children need. I am a rollercoaster of feeling numb and then sobbing. I am a mess. If I didn't have kids I'd honestly question if continuing life would be worth it. After burying my cousin several months ago after she killed herself, I never, ever thought I could even contemplate that. And please understand, I am in no way whatsoever a suicide risk. I'd never do it. I don't have it my heart to hurt my kids like that anyway. I'd never do it, but I have to admit, I get it now, I get feeling that life is so awful that waking up tomorrow just doesn't seem worth it... it just all hurts too much. Again, I wouldn't do anything to myself, but I get how others can... it all just hurts way too much. And knowing that my closest and really only close friend was involved (and I later found out apparently knew he’d had this other affair going) this makes it that much more hurtful.
I feel like I’m dying inside, I can't breathe; I can't think straight or be the mom I want to be. I am miserable and I just don't know how to even look for the light at the end of the tunnel in this mess. We're doing counseling and it helps but regardless, I wake up each morning and it's like I get punched in the stomach the second I wake up and realize the crap that my husband has been pulling for over a year with at least two people, and I’m sure there are more.
Thanks for listening if nothing else. This just isn't something a person tells an acquaintance during small talk!
Last edited by Misery stinks; 10-21-2011 at 09:08 AM.