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I've yet to see a situation like ours

15K views 108 replies 39 participants last post by  Lilac23 
#1 ·
I have searched and researched and fine tooth combed the Web and have not found a situation to relate to ours. I desperately need help.
My husband is the man people look to ground their moral compass. His values are solid and he is well respected and revered by friends, family and business associates. That's why it was a blindside... to everyone he knows... when he cheated on me.
He came home from an overnight business meeting. He was accompanied by other managers he knows well in our region that he's worked with for years. One of these was a woman he's worked with for 8 years. I knew they had a professional relationship but were also familiar with each others' personal lives from general conversations. I knew this woman. She solicited my advice as a mother often. What I didn't know was that she was regularly inappropriate in conversation, with many people, including my husband. Apparently, I now know, she prides herself on being very skilled at oral sex and offers it to most anyone. Well, on this trip she made the offer to my husband who accepted.
Here is the weird part... she disgusts him. She is not moral or respectable. She smells of cat urine, is a whiner, a hypochondriac, a terrible parent, is promiscuous. .. all of the things that he abhors. She is not at all physically attractive and definitely doesn't have a beautiful body by standard definition. Also... our relationship is WONDERFUL. We love each other abundantly. Our sex life is great, we both love our jobs, our home and our children. We're financially comfortable and happy. We have analyzed and over thought what this infidelity could be a result of. What was missing? What was he needing and we can't find a thing.
The good news is he came in the house from the trip and fell to pieces and confessed. He felt horrendous. We sent the children away and had a volatile heart wrenching weekend. He sat the kids (teenagers 17 and 18) down and confessed and begged forgiveness. He was humble and contrite.
It has been a hell of a month and a half. I hated what he did and wanted to wake up from the nightmare because I knew HE doesn't do that. He's the first man I've ever blindly trusted in my life. Not him. He wouldn't. He couldn't. But I loved him. Watching him hurt from what he did broke my heart. But I couldn't console him. He did this.
I forgave him. It took me over a month of reading (the letter I read in here finally did it about forgiving a $10k debt -thanks doc) and counseling and trying to define forgiveness but I do forgive him. But ... where I'm at now is... if he didn't cheat for a reason.... we weren't missing anything. .. he loved loved loved his life.... and she wasn't irresistible. ... then WHY? How will I ever feel secure if he doesn't know why it happened this time? If we weren't important enough for him to refuse the offer in that moment how will I ever feel secure again? That another moment won't arise he can't refuse?
Just an FYI he has soul searched and his only answer is that he knew her before he met me and that was always who she was. The filthy talking inappropriate woman. He didn't stop it after me because he always knew it would never lead anywhere because A) He would never and B) Especially with her. And finally that he was simply curious... curious if she was really THAT good at it.
That's it. But if that's it... why wasn't I more important?
Help me. Help me. Help me.
 
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#3 ·
Most people that mess with married people are trashy. You now have a husband that rolled in the trash too. So, does that change who he is? Does this fact change who you are?

Does it really matter why he did it? I think it matters more that he did it period! Stop analyzing the why and really focus on what this does to your family. Have you two gone to therapy. It seems you two want to rugs weep this awful truth. It's awful! There has been deep damage and there needs to be healing.

You need professional help. This will eat at you and rightfully so. Infidelity poisons and destroys marriages because it destroys TRUST!
 
#4 ·
Yes. We were already going regularly to a wonderful family counselor (did I mention both teenagers are girls?) And we got right in to her. It was actually April 1. She was so shocked by it that she was sure it was an April Fools Joke until she saw is in person. We have been as often as we can get in there sometimes multiple times in a week. And he has started seeing someone individually.
We are pro therapy for sure.
 
#13 ·
So you had a perfect marriage and a perfect family, yet you were in therapy as a family?

Why? Why would you do this? It would be like a well person taking medication.

And why is a senior executive allowed to go on business trips stinking of cat wee?

Weird.Was she blackmailing someone? ?
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#8 ·
Well, I'm glad you are in therapy. I'm glad you realize he did it because he wanted to and he could. Very very selfish on his part.

Looks like he was vulnerable and fell into temptation. Does your marriage have poor boundaries?
 
#41 ·
I don't think so. That's part of what made me trust him. He's always been serious about not putting himself in compromising situations. We aren't friends with the opposite sex, we do not put ourselves in situations with the opposite sex without the other one, we don't counsel with the opposite sex...
 
#9 ·
I agree with Gus on exposure. Get some of those boundaries up and affair proof your marriage now that you know your husband is human and slips into temptation
Ike the mere mortal he is.

What consequences has he had for cheating on you?
 
#42 ·
He will not drink, even a sip, on business trips. It's been extremely volatile and he's been patient and contrite through it all. He wants me to feel better and stresses it wasn't me. Again, she's no longer with the company but his job would have been a goner which says a lot because it's a good job. He is telling me every detail I want to know. He updates me constantly on his day and what he's doing. We didn't sleep in the same bed for a while, his relationship with our oldest daughter is severely bruised, he basically checks my pulse before every decision including seeing friends to make sure I'm not having a hard day so he can be there for me first, I am in a small office that is very relaxed so every chance he gets he is spending time with me. He genuinely wants me to feel better.
 
#11 ·
The filthy talking inappropriate woman. He didn't stop it after me because he always knew it would never lead anywhere because A) He would never and B) Especially with her. And finally that he was simply curious... curious if she was really THAT good at it.
That may be it, he was just curious and wanted to experience something different. Lots of good people have cheated, why? Because they aren't perfect and in a moment of selfishness did something that they will forever regret.


That's it. But if that's it... why wasn't I more important?Help me. Help me. Help me.
It was something in him that made him do this, not something in you, you must understand that. I am sorry that he is the first man you ever fully trusted and he let you down. I don't trust easily, either, and when I did and it was broken, it could have easily driven me insane. Part of my issue was that I trusted what he appeared to be vs. what he actually was, do you think that's a possibility with your husband?
 
#12 ·
Your situation is not unique MissSummer. You had a loving, devoted husband that had everything he could possibly want and yet he is very human and fell into temptation.

Lots of us had that too. Sadly lots of us had weak husbands that fell into temptation at a vulnerable time in their lives. Instead of holding on to their moral compass they became selfish and tossed everything to the wind for a cheap thrill...your husband's was "he wanted to know if she was that great at giving a bj "

Now, he has to deal with the consequences of his selfish act and how this is going to impact the wife whose trust he betrayed over a cheap thrill. Not only that, but the ripple effect this will have on his two girls as well.

your husband has a lot of work to do.
 
#15 ·
We sometimes try to find reasons as a way to excuse.

So your husband supposedly disgusts this woman who freely offers BJ's to all and sundry, stinks to high heaven and is an all round terrible person etc etc.

All the things you list and the whys and yet ignore the most basic reasons. He's a man, she's a woman and he/she wanted to do.

Very easy. Simple biological imperative as well as for a fleeting second feeling like an alpha male having a woman freely offer herself, he may have felt bad afterwards but that's what happens when you think with your trousers because if he had used his head, hell even sniffed her would he have allowed her to come anywhere near him?
 
#17 ·
Sorry you are here my Lady.

This is not your fault and you should stop beating yourself to see what is "missing" from you and your Marriage.
Your Husband is the only one to blame and he missed to remember that he is married and have a good wife and two children.

Nice to hear your Husband works with your therapist but I see one problem. If he countinue to work with this woman you will never be able to heal yourself. He needs to have a No Contact with this person or switch jobs or something like that.

Is this woman Married ? Expose her to her Husband.

Your Husband is moving forward so easly. I think he got no idea what he done to you and your family. To him it was only a blowjob and it is not a big deal.

Stay strong.
 
#22 ·
Miss Summer,

Why is your family in therapy if all is so perfect? I get the feeling, you are not living in reality. Your WH is a man with all the usual faults and weaknesses and yes he is totally responsible for what he has done. You feeling sorry for him and his pain, I find that strange, he is the one who F'ed up, let him sort it out.

i think you may well still be in denial, trying to rationalise things, perhaps your relationship wasn't perfect after all? Don't be so quick to sweep this under the rug.
This may haunt you for a long time, you have two options

1. forgive and move on with him in therapy
2. think long and hard about the reality of your relationship, is your marriage all it is cracked up to be and can you trust your WH again?

All the best on getting over this whichever way you go.
 
#44 ·
I appreciate your input. I will re-analyze but I assure you I have ... we have... again and again. So do you see my frustration? It's true. We had a GREAT marriage and life. It wasn't perfect. I would be a fool to say so. I can't stand his video games, he doesn't like the way I chew... if that's what you mean... but we loved each other fully and completely.

We are in family counseling. We have 2 teen daughters and appreciate a professional to help us sort through parenting and being a strong solid family core. The girls have had fleeting issues that all girls go through and counseling has helped us all stay ahead of that. That's all.

I love that he's a man that appreciates the wisdom of a third party.
 
#23 · (Edited)
My husband is the man people look to ground their moral compass. His values are solid and he is well respected and revered by friends, family and business associates. That's why it was a blindside... to everyone he knows... when he cheated on me...

But ... where I'm at now is... if he didn't cheat for a reason.... we weren't missing anything. .. he loved loved loved his life.... and she wasn't irresistible. ... then WHY?

Help me. Help me. Help me.
MS,

Welcome aboard the Crazy Train...

Your way over thinking it. First, take your H down from that high pedestal. He was/is never that "moral, solid, revered" man you elevated him to. He is a flawed human just like everyone else.

Why? He wanted to. Did you ask him how long he thought about it or talk with the OW prior to actually having OSex. Further, the way you describe the actual act... as if it was done in an elevator stopped between floors. Hardly, they were together all night "Overnight Business Trip". Did they kiss and fondle each other all night too.

You want Why? You need the Truth... all of it. The why will shortly follow.
 
#45 ·
Good questions... also some of the reasons I have been able to get over it. No... like I said she prides herself on this act. She offered, he accepted and there was not a kiss, no groping, he said he didn't even touch her head while she did it. He said he was immediately disgusted and wanted it over. I only believe him because he shared EVERY detail, even the extremely painful ones that echo in my head. He finished, went straight to the bathroom, cried and stared at himself in the mirror, came out and she was ready with purse on shoulder at the door and asked if he was ready to go meet the rest of the group. As if nothing happened....

Great analogy... that is exactly how it went down.
 
#24 ·
I'm probably in the minority here, but this seems to be one of those rare instances where a good person made a truly horrible mistake and is owning up to it. The fact that he confessed immediately speaks volumes (and to your daughters as well).

As for "why?", I can only imagine that it was a combination of knowing this woman for many years, working with her, listening to her, knowing what kind of person she is and essentially falling prey to her advances (which may have been going on for years, for all you know).

As for "why HER?" (as she sounds quite unattractive) chalk it up to confidence being sexy. If it's well-known that she's good at giving oral sex and something she's proud of and brags about, then everything else is rather unimportant. At the very least, understand that she was being used, plain and simple. That doesn't make the act any better, of course, but there should be SOME solace in that fact. She's a ho and she was treated as such.
 
#25 · (Edited)
I agree with Aine. Take him off his pedestal. ...his values aren't rock solid, his moral compass isn't as great as you thought, and he is the kind of guy to do this.

He's flawed like everyone else. And the fact that nothing was missing and he still did it tells me he's at risk to do it again.

He probably figured he could do it, beg forgiveness and get away with it. Which he did.

I'm not suggesting you have to leave, it sounds like you guys are making a real effort to get past it.

I'm only suggesting you open your eyes regarding what you're dealing with, and think about what your boundaries are what you're willing to forgive and communicate that to him.

As in, hb....i will forgive this one time but if it happens again you're gone.

Someone like this needs that boundary, or he'll be "curious" again knowing he can beg forgiveness and run to counseling.


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#26 ·
I agree with Aine. Take him off his pedestal. ...his values aren't rock solid, his moral compass isn't as great as you thought, and he is the kind of guy to do this.

He probably figured he could do it, beg forgiveness and get away with it. Which he did.
I agree with the first bolded part, but not the second (in as much as we don't know him IRL, of course).

Barring the potential of his indiscretion being made public by somebody else, I can't see why anybody would consciously do something like this with the forethought to own up to it afterwards.

Here's the thing - when this type of thing happens and we hear about it on TAM, we encourage owning up to it. We malign those who hide this sort of thing, lie about it, try to get away with it, etc. Here we have somebody who did actually own up to it, not only to his wife, but to his daughters (!!! Not sure why one would do that, but...) and he's still be painted with the same brush as every other cheater out there - which isn't undeserved, infidelity is infidelity, but all the same. He's done the things he should do in a case like this.

I'm not at all saying he should just be forgiven (like I said, I agree with the first bolded part), but he IS miles ahead of so many other cheaters, IMO.
 
#28 ·
And it is back to the "Boys will be Boys" excuse. Men [more often] get the pass on infidelity. They do it for the sex, not for love, rationale.

The women who would deliver a nefarious BJ? Savaged and unforgiven.

I see this and do not like it.

Justice does not wrap itself evenly onto Infidelity.

I do accept inequality. Begrudgingly, as one must.
 
#31 ·
As FSJ and others have said, don't make this complicated. I once asked my SO why he thought some men cheat, even just once (one of his old acquaintances was a serial cheat) and he said the simple answer was, "Variety." That's it. Your husband did it because he could and it was on a plate.

He's not the great guy you make him out to be. He's a human being, just like anyone else. He's an adult, responsible for his own choices.

If you are working towards forgiveness, you will need to stand by that forgiveness. The relationship will never be the same. Many things will appear false, because his actions have made and will make you question... Everything. Some people just can't live like that, even after giving it an honest try.

All the best.
 
#48 ·
He's not the great guy you make him out to be. He's a human being, just like anyone else. He's an adult, responsible for his own choices.
Why can't someone be both?

Is the bar for "great guy" so high that any character flaw is sufficient to disqualify? If so, then the world is suffering from an absolute and complete dearth of great guys. Or gals, for that matter.

Just as she has to understand that her husband is imperfect, we have to understand that imperfection comes with being human. The true measure of our quality isn't in the mistakes we make, but our actions in recovering from them. This man, by her account, is doing the things that we would hope all spouses would do under the circumstances. At this point, he is to be positively regarded as meeting expectations post-failure.

If we're to flay every cheating spouse in the public square as being a wretched human, they why have this forum at all?

As for you, OP, you will never regain that level of trust in your husband again. Ever. Nor should you - it was inappropriate to begin with. Not because of any particular flaw in your partner, but because of the human condition. He may still be a good man, perhaps even overall above average - but you also now know that he has a weakness to which you must be forever vigilant. That is a realistic view of your, and probably every marriage.
 
#33 ·
Miss Summer,

Actually your story is kind of common,

Your H had allowed this woman to engage in inappropriate conversations with him which was an EA or very close to an EA. This is a textbook setup for an affair.

Then something happened "out of the blue", no that's a lie it took months for the right moment to occur but it could also have happened 6 months ago.

Also get a lie detector test for your H, waywards lie and minimize, if they say it was just oral it was much more.

Tamat
 
#36 ·
By the way just because the OP feels the OW is ugly and nasty this doesn't mean her husband feels the same way about her.

My wife will comment about a woman on the street "Isn't she ugly?"

Whist I was thinking "She's pretty!"
That's jealousy and insecurity.
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#38 ·
OP

don't get so caught up in the why part.

the word "curious" has been thrown out there, and for sure that could be part of it. I would offer that all people screw up.

its real simple. the opportunity was there. maybe he had a couple drinks and wasn't using his best judgement. the old saying "seemed like a good idea at the time" comes to mind.

what i think is relevant in all this...is how he has behaved towards you and others in the past...using that as a better indicator of his moral standing.

But maybe even more important is how he is handling this now. others have pointed out that he immediately confessed and showed remorse speaks volumes about him. He could have kept his mouth shut and chances are you would have never known.

if you want to feel a little better....keep reading in the CWI section and you will find countless stories of cheaters who lied and hid the truth from their spouses...even when caught red handed....then blame shifted and did anything and every thing to avoid accepting any responsibility whatsoever for their actions. You could be in a much worse situation.

I am very sorry you are here. I hope you can find peace, just know that he screwed up royally, anyone and everyone is capable of it.
 
#47 ·
What people really need to understand is sometimes affairs have nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with the individual when faced with opportunities.

This is why I say affair proofing a marriage is a pipe dream, and laugh when people say that affairs happen because of some failing in the betrayed spouse or in the marriage.

Affairs happen because people make choices. That's it. He was given an opportunity, and he took it.
 
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