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Husband won't forgive me

161K views 874 replies 71 participants last post by  manfromlamancha 
#1 ·
Hi,

I am new to TAM. I am 29 and my H is 34. My H and I have been married for 2 years in July (first, and hopefully only, marriage for both of us). We have what I would describe as a typical marriage – we have our ups and downs (a few arguments, nothing serious). That is until recently.

A few months ago, my H was experiencing some conflict at work. Someone at his job had started a rumor about him (that I knew was untrue) and although it resolved itself fairly quickly, his pride was hurt. During this time, I had been commissioned for a job that took me away from home for a week. This is normal for me. The job had been prearranged a few months prior, and in my line of work, opportunities can sometimes be few and far between.

My H and I talked every day that I was away (even if just to say goodnight) and I tried to be as supportive as I could be. I assured him that things would blow over and that nobody would believe the rumors because he is a valued member of the firm he works at (this all was true and did happen).

But when I got home, my H and I started arguing a lot more than usual and it felt like he was deliberately picking at pointless things in order to start a fight. He also said some pretty hurtful comments (I am too insensitive, I run away from our problems, I’m not affectionate enough, I don’t communicate etc). I will admit that I kind of lost a little bit of respect for him at that time (I thought how he was handling the whole situation was very childish). Sure, I am not as emotional as he is, and I don’t like emotional outbursts…but it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. And I think I communicate them well enough. As for not being affectionate… that is not exactly true…I just don’t like him squeezing my a** in public or kissing me in front of other people etc (which he tries to do a lot).

Anyway, it all came to a head about a month ago, when my H said he needed a break from our marriage to sort his head out. I was pretty shocked by this…I mean we were arguing a lot, but a break? It seemed a bit extreme. But when I questioned him on it, he said that we needed time apart in order to figure out if we were compatible enough/want the same things. I went to stay with a friend for 2 weeks.

What was meant to be 2 weeks turned into 3 and last weekend I went to a club with a friend and ended up kissing another man. It was nothing but kissing and maybe a little touching above the waist, and I hated it. It was terrible and it felt wrong and I put an end to it straight away. There was never any intent to take it any further than that. I love my H very much and despite what we are going through, I want us to stay together.

I told him what happened the next day, although initially I will admit that I didn’t want to tell him. I know I am loyal to my H and nothing like this will ever happen again. He doesn’t believe me, however, and he also doesn’t believe me that I stopped it. He said if I had, I would have called him straight away, not left it until the next day, and for all he knows I was "with" the other man all night. He says that I don’t have the emotional maturity to be in a committed relationship and he doesn’t know if he can ever trust me again.

Everyone is telling me that he is being unfair and that he deliberately pushed me away. We were on a break etc. I don’t completely agree with that – because I know how I felt when I kissed the other man. I felt disgusting. And they love me so, of course, they are going to take my side.

What do I do? I’m really confused about everything. My H says he doesn’t think he can get past this, but he is ringing me (and my friend) every night to “check” on me (that I am at her place, not out screwing someone), but when I ask to come home, he says he needs to think about it.
 
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#2 ·
You were set free. You need to end your marriage. He used the break to get rid of you. He is upset because he is projecting and set you free so he could Persue his freedom as well.

Things backfired when his plan B didn't stay put until he was good and ready to be honest with you. He is probably cheating on you if he wanted a break from marriage. He is projecting because he probably did have sex with someone else and that is why he believes you had sex with a guy too.

You were his plan B. He can shove his plan B where the sun don't shine honey. You deserve better. File for divorce and snoop. You will find evidence of a third person in your marriage. 99% of couples don't ask for a break in the marriage unless a third party has been introduced into the mix!

He is cheating!
 
#3 · (Edited)
@Bibi1031 ... I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about that possibility for a second. My friend that I am staying with at the moment was in a relationship where she was constantly accused of cheating - and it turned out that her boyfriend was the actual cheater. My friend says that my H calling to "check up" on me and wanting to put her on the phone all the time (so he knows I'm there) is similar behavior that her ex-partner exhibited. I just don't see how it can be a possibility, though. My H and I are always together...yes, I do travel a lot for work (I am a photographer), but I don't exactly have a regular working schedule. And I have never seen any other signs that he is cheating.
 
#10 ·
If he is cheating with someone at work there would not need to be unaccounted for time. That was my first thought when I read your post too. What was the nature of these work rumors he was upset about?

But the fact that he MAY be cheating (all based on conjecture) doesn't negate the fact that you DID cheat. You seem to be minimizing what happened. You betrayed your husband and want him to just get over it - it is a big deal, not "just a kiss". It is good that you told him, but you can't expect him to just forgive you and not question what really happened over and over again.
 
#27 ·
But the fact that he MAY be cheating (all based on conjecture) doesn't negate the fact that you DID cheat. You seem to be minimizing what happened. You betrayed your husband and want him to just get over it - it is a big deal, not "just a kiss". It is good that you told him, but you can't expect him to just forgive you and not question what really happened over and over again.
I disagree. H put the marriage on a break (not just a hold) and threw her out of the house so that he can sort out his head. Well, she gets to do the same. Sort out her head. She kissed a guy - during the marriage break that HE started. She could have gone home with the bar guy if she wanted. But no she did not. She stopped the kiss and felt bad. AND, she told H about what happened. That is not cheating.
 
#11 ·
@MrsAldi A woman about my age from my H workplace, accused my H and another man of sending her inappropriate emails. There was an internal investigation done after the woman failed to produce any evidence, and the computer technicians didn't find anything either. She admitted that she had lied about the emails and quit not long after. My H is a very proud man and a very hard worker. He was very upset that his word was not taken at face value, and that an investigation had to be done. I told him that any accusation of that nature has to be taken seriously (and rightly so) and that it would all blow over. And it did.
 
#206 ·
Why would that even phase him?

If someone accuses you of sending inappropriate emails you simply tell them to show the emails to HR. The sender can't delete them so if they've been sent they will exist. The recipient can't create them in your Sent mail folder.

Once they fail to back up their claim you file a grievance with HR and poof accuser is gone.

That isn't any reason to get stroppy with your wife.
 
#14 ·
Well, I'm sorry to say, but if your husband is such a proud man; he will not forgive you for being weak and vulnerable that you made a mistake while going out to distract yourself. He will never admit that he owns a big part of what his "need for a break" caused. He will give you hell for your mistake.

I'm sorry, but your marriage is over. He has major issues. At least you didn't waste 20 some years on this messed up man!
 
#18 · (Edited)
OK your husband said the following to you:

Insensitive
Running away from problems
No affection towards him
No communication with him
No respect for him ( his handling of work situation)


He will take you back if you can change, correct?

Questions: Are you attracted to your husband?
Are you "in love" with your husband?

BTW (I'm starting to think your husband has a misogynistic complex)



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#22 ·
OK your husband said the following to you:

Insensitive
Running away from problems
No affection towards him
No communication with him
No respect for him ( his handling of work situation)


He will take you back if you can change, correct?

Questions: Are you attracted to your husband?
Are you "in love" with your husband?




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk

@MrsAldi I don't know if he'll take me back. Part of me thinks that he wouldn't care what I was doing if he didn't want me back. He still calls me every day.

And I do love him. I know he struggles with the fact that we handle things differently. I sometimes think he would prefer it if I was the needy, jealous type. He demonstrates love with physical affection and huge emotive gestures, whereas I show love through time and attention, and conversation. He needs the romantic stuff though. Despite our differences, we get on really well...we balance each other out, I guess. Our sex life has always been really good. I'm definitely attracted to him on a sexual and intellectual level.
 
#23 ·
@Bibi1031 He isn't always a jerk. The whole going on a "break" thing threw me through a loop though. I'm pretty sure that a "jerk" was the kindest thing I mentally shouted at him. It was like we couldn't be close enough in his point of view, and the next minute he needed space.

He's a very intelligent, ambitious and interesting man. So different from me. Not that I am not those things, just in a different way. I'm happy as long as I have a roof over my head, food in my cupboards and the bills paid. I don't need or find pleasure in material things. I admire his drive. It's like he's always going from one mountain to the next.
 
#35 · (Edited)
@camerashy OK so do you think your husband value your opinions?
Why do you think he doesn't listen to you?
Does he think you are "nagging" him or does he just shut down your opinions when in conversation?

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@MrsAldi My husband has taught me one very important thing over the past 3 1/2 years that we've known each other... that hearing and listening are 2 very different things. He has the mechanics to hear, but he doesn't always "get" it. If you know what I mean?

I can't complain, though, I can be just as bad if I truly believe I'm right about something. I stop listening.

With my H...he jumps in head first, with little forethought. He has fantastic ideas, but he sucks at making plans. If I try to say, have you thought about this? What about that? He thinks I'm trying to derail his plans, he gets emotional and shuts off. Then he goes and does whatever it was anyway. And that's fine...but I don't feel like he values my opinions, no. If I just shut up and said that's amazing, what a great idea...he thinks im the most wonderful person in the world

And to be fair to my H...as soon as he gets too emotional or starts raising his voice, I check out.
 
#32 ·
First, all of the "you were on a break, so it's OK" crap is exactly that -- CRAP -- and anyone throwing that at you doesn't exactly have your best interests in mind, and they're certainly no friend to your marriage. Be married -- and conduct yourself as such -- until you're not. No breaks, no free passes, none of that crap. With that in mind, I'd advise you to put an end to any clubbing, going out w/ friends, etc for the time being.

Second, it's actually a good thing that you confessed everything to your husband. It says a lot about your character, so be proud of that. That said, I can understand why your husband wouldn't believe that it was "just making out". Either way, no more of that.

Third, you've got to get back into the house. You can't fix your marriage if you're not fully present in your marriage. If he still wants space, one of you can sleep in the other room, on the couch, or whatever.

Fourth, have you received any version of the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech? Has he recently changed any of his behaviors w/ respect to openness w/ electronic devices, e-mail, social media, or any of that? Does he constantly have his phone by his side?
 
#37 · (Edited)
@GusPolinski I don't think my marriage has many friends, unfortunately. Our parents, maybe...and even that took time. That's part of the reason I came to TAM, I needed some objective advice, rather than all the "you were on a break" "it's not your fault" stuff from the people who don't particularly like my H.

He doesn't want me to come home yet, which is really hurting. I don't feel like anything is getting solved from where I am now, and I know his head is doing him in thinking I'm out hooking up with people. It hurts he even thinks that of me, but that's my fault.

Technology wise...we keep things pretty separate. I never really pay any attention to his phone or social media. I think he pays attention to mine though.

He told me loved me yesterday, but that's honestly probably the first time either of us has said for months.

You do not have to minimize it but don't dwell on it.

As for the "You're in or you're out", yes that sounds great. But what does it mean? Your H right now is OUT of the marriage. And that was BEFORE the kiss. Stopping the kiss and your subsequent actions showed that you are indeed IN.

@blueinbr I honestly feel like he's pushing me away, but he wants to make sure I'm not with anyone else at the same time. I don't know what that means.
 
#36 ·
Posted by camerashy

But when I got home, my H and I started arguing a lot more than usual and it felt like he was deliberately picking at pointless things in order to start a fight. He also said some pretty hurtful comments (I am too insensitive, I run away from our problems, I’m not affectionate enough, I don’t communicate etc). I will admit that I kind of lost a little bit of respect for him at that time (I thought how he was handling the whole situation was very childish). Sure, I am not as emotional as he is, and I don’t like emotional outbursts…but it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. And I think I communicate them well enough. As for not being affectionate… that is not exactly true…I just don’t like him squeezing my a** in public or kissing me in front of other people etc (which he tries to do a lot).




In my opinion this was very important. Your husband was vulnerable to you in saying what had him concerned. Probably felt as if you didn't have his back, and then you showed the worst behavior possible, you cheated. Not only did you cheat but you did with another man what you wouldn't do for your husband. Your husband groping under your shirt is inappropriate, but your offense has a good possibility of ending the marriage.

Your husband basically gave you a shyt test, you failed, instead of working on what he had concerns about you leapt into the arms of another man because "he listened". Your husband is not innocent in the marriage problems, he is fifty percent responsible just like you. You need to understand you were on a break, to see if you were compatible, etc, but STILL MARRIED with no separation agreement. That means neither should be out looking for others or cheating with others. He stated it was to see if you two could remain married and work through this.

I think it's a possibility he is cheating, or he was very hurt by his firm not believing his word, combined by his wife who lost respect for him. When my wife doesn't stand supportive behind me I wonder why. Am I wrong? Am I not seeing what she sees? Why would she take this stance? Did she lose respect for me? You admit to losing respect, I wonder if you also didn't show this. Marriage is being united, standing together against the world, and this was not an issue in the marriage. You didn't support your husband and in fact lost respect for him, that's crushing for a prideful man to feel who has a strong belief in honesty and honor. I work hard at my job, my word is me, my work ethic is my honor, I wear this on my sleeve, and if my word is questioned by an accusation I get hostile. My company knows me well, every accusation is investigated, and every accusation disqualified. But each accusation kicks your pride in your teeth, and if I didn't get support from my wife I would be further enraged. Does your husband support you in these types of issues?
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#38 · (Edited)
In my opinion this was very important. Your husband was vulnerable to you in saying what had him concerned. Probably felt as if you didn't have his back, and then you showed the worst behavior possible, you cheated. Not only did you cheat but you did with another man what you wouldn't do for your husband. Your husband groping under your shirt is inappropriate, but your offense has a good possibility of ending the marriage.

Your husband basically gave you a shyt test, you failed, instead of working on what he had concerns about you leapt into the arms of another man because "he listened". Your husband is not innocent in the marriage problems, he is fifty percent responsible just like you. You need to understand you were on a break, to see if you were compatible, etc, but STILL MARRIED with no separation agreement. That means neither should be out looking for others or cheating with others. He stated it was to see if you two could remain married and work through this.

I think it's a possibility he is cheating, or he was very hurt by his firm not believing his word, combined by his wife who lost respect for him. When my wife doesn't stand supportive behind me I wonder why. Am I wrong? Am I not seeing what she sees? Why would she take this stance? Did she lose respect for me? You admit to losing respect, I wonder if you also didn't show this. Marriage is being united, standing together against the world, and this was not an issue in the marriage. You didn't support your husband and in fact lost respect for him, that's crushing for a prideful man to feel who has a strong belief in honesty and honor. I work hard at my job, my word is me, my work ethic is my honor, I wear this on my sleeve, and if my word is questioned by an accusation I get hostile. My company knows me well, every accusation is investigated, and every accusation disqualified. But each accusation kicks your pride in your teeth, and if I didn't get support from my wife I would be further enraged. Does your husband support you in these types of issues?
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@drifting on I definitely understand what you are saying, and I tried really hard to support him through the allegations that were made against him. It wasn't the conflict at work that made me lose respect for him, it was how he handled it, the remarks he made etc. The way he tried to make me feel bad about myself because he was feeling bad. The way he moped around like a child and how he acted like "how dare they" when they had no choice but to investigate the allegations. It was just procedure.

And as for the other stuff...yeah that (the details) hurt him a lot. I was very honest with him about everything. He asked questions, I answered them...he hung up on me, then called back. The whole thing is just s*** really, and I don't know if he believes me when I say I'm sorry. He definitely doesn't believe me that I didn't sleep with him. He's said very hurtful things and I've just taken it, because I know the gravity of the situation
 
#40 ·
@camerashy what happens when he gets "too emotional"
This makes you shut down because he cannot reason with you?
Perhaps he doesn't value your opinion because he doesn't understand.
You are very emotionally intelligent & logical, he probably isn't.
My husband can be the same.
I have to be gentle & sympathetic sometimes, be on his side.
He sounds like a good guy but was possibly "babied" by his parents.
So he requires a lot of attention & support.



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#45 ·
@camerashy what happens when he gets "too emotional"
This makes you shut down because he cannot reason with you?
Perhaps he doesn't value your opinion because he doesn't understand.
You are very emotionally intelligent & logical, he probably isn't.
My husband can be the same.
I have to be gentle & sympathetic sometimes, be on his side.
He sounds like a good guy but was possibly "babied" by his parents.
So he requires a lot of attention & support.
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@MrsAldi and I think this applies to what you said also @thephoenix

What happens when he gets too emotional? He shoots off like a rocket, yells sometimes says things he shouldn't, and comes down again very quickly. I just can't handle it. I'm not saying I never get angry or yell, but I can count on one hand how many times that has happened in the last decade. It's just too hard to communicate with angry people...they get irrational.

I close off because I have to. It's conditioned into me from being in an abusive relationship when I was a teenager. When I tell my H this, he hates it and tells me that he hates that anyone has ever put their hands on me that way, but he shouldn't have to pay for another person's mistakes. He also thinks that I shut off because I don't care enough.


Well you cheated! Bad girl.

On the other hand you were very much confused and reeling from WTF you husband is doing. He is not communicating and you are not making the best decisions based on the LITTLE knowledge your husband has given you.

On the inappropriate emails he allegedly sent.... Curious. Seems to me that SOMETHING inappropriate must have happened even if she admitted lying about the emails. Maybe something physical and not on the computer happened. Your husbands actions SCREAM OF GUILT is some capacity.

He is a BAD husband as well.

Get some space. Get some strength and think very seriously about leaving him. He is all wrong in the head. YOU should leave him. not the other way around. He pushed you out the door.

@threelittlestars I 100% believe him about the emails, but I have no idea why she targeted my H specifically. And yeah, I still don't know why he pushed me so far away at the first hint of trouble.
 
#41 ·
Well you cheated! Bad girl.

On the other hand you were very much confused and reeling from WTF you husband is doing. He is not communicating and you are not making the best decisions based on the LITTLE knowledge your husband has given you.

On the inappropriate emails he allegedly sent.... Curious. Seems to me that SOMETHING inappropriate must have happened even if she admitted lying about the emails. Maybe something physical and not on the computer happened. Your husbands actions SCREAM OF GUILT is some capacity.

He is a BAD husband as well.

Get some space. Get some strength and think very seriously about leaving him. He is all wrong in the head. YOU should leave him. not the other way around. He pushed you out the door.
 
#48 ·
Unforunately you cheated so that has given your H ammunition against you and enabled him to sweep away his terrible actions leading to your 'break.'

What you did was wrong absolutely but he was culpable in pushing you out of the marriage. He sounds immature and it is not your responsibility to carry his burden.
He got want he wanted i.e. a break, but you took it further that he thought you would

you should tell him you love him, what you did was totally wrong and that is on you but what he did pushing you out of hte marriage is totally on him.
You should give him a deadline as regards the marriage, go no contact and do the 180 on him. It is a possibility he is cheating because it is not the normal reaction of a spouse to chase their oh away when they are going through difficult times, normally they lean into the marriage. Something off here .

Tell him to examine his own actions, why did he want to have a break? He cannot treat you as an addendum when he feels like it. You have to have some self respect and he needs to grow up.
 
#50 ·
Unforunately you cheated so that has given your H ammunition against you and enabled him to sweep away his terrible actions leading to your 'break.'

What you did was wrong absolutely but he was culpable in pushing you out of the marriage. He sounds immature and it is not your responsibility to carry his burden.
He got want he wanted i.e. a break, but you took it further that he thought you would

you should tell him you love him, what you did was totally wrong and that is on you but what he did pushing you out of hte marriage is totally on him.
You should give him a deadline as regards the marriage, go no contact and do the 180 on him. It is a possibility he is cheating because it is not the normal reaction of a spouse to chase their oh away when they are going through difficult times, normally they lean into the marriage. Something off here .

Tell him to examine his own actions, why did he want to have a break? He cannot treat you as an addendum when he feels like it. You have to have some self respect and he needs to grow up.
:iagree:

My very first thought

55
 
#49 · (Edited)
Cam,

Married 2 years, 29 and 34, assume no kids?

Marriage is not a Saturday afternoon pickup basketball game at the park... "Hey guys, I'm pooped, going to take a breather (break) for 15". A "break" in marriage is nothing more than a weak euphemism for Separation. Done unilaterally or mutually, the barn door is left wide open. You and H are not teenagers in a HS romance. You knew the dangers the inherent risks. Was MC never discussed as an alternative?

Lastly, if you and H decide to R this mess that both have created, MC is a must. Your H has his own issues. You need to return to the home. Stop listening to your GFs about how you have been wronged. They are driving a wedge in your marriage. You need to own your cheating. Your drunken kiss, your illicit desire for attention aside from your H is very telling. You have definite boundary problems and the "next" time will be worse.
 
#52 ·
Cam,

Married 2 years, 29 and 34, assume no kids?

Marriage is not a Saturday afternoon pickup basketball game at the park... "Hey guys, I'm pooped, going to take a breather (break) for 15". A "break" is nothing more than a weak euphemism for Separation. Done unilaterally or mutually, the barn door is left wide open. You and H are not teenagers in a HS romance. You knew the dangers the inherent risks. Was MC never discussed as an alternative?

@RWB No, counselling was never discussed. Somehow I don't think he would be very receptive. I don't even know if I am. In any case, we never talked about it. It felt like a separation. I didn't know what it was. We just fought about anything..everything...the most stupid things.

And no, thankfully, no kids yet. Not that we didn't want them. We were pretty blase about it. If it happened, it happened etc.
 
#55 ·
As someone who has just recently gone through this with my W, I can tell you "just a kiss" (make out session in a semi-private place) is still terribly hard to get past, and in my mind damages trust the same as if she'd of blown some guy off. You had an intimate moment with another man, not your husband, and there are only two people who really know what happened, those being you and this other guy. Really hard to look at your W knowing she was making out with another man (as she would not do with you), and imagining where everyone's hands were, how she looked, acted, what actions led to it, etc.

A few things though. He wanted a "break".

- A "break" is not a divorce, and does not open the door for cheating. A break from each other is for time to clear the head, be alone, and sort through things. It's not some magical "hall pass" that allows one to cheat.

- Accept the fact you did cheat. And own it. It's not very high up on the physical cheating scale, but can damage or sever trust just the same as if you'd have gone much further.

- Were I you, I'd be looking VERY HARD at him right now to see if he's in an affair. He may have wanted the "break" to start or continue something physical with someone else while easing his own guilt by saying to himself "we were on a break". That's a b.s. excuse for him, the same as it should be for you.

- You did good by coming clean the next day. Better that than him finding out some time later from another source.

Sounds to me like you need to get to the bottom of what is causing his behavior. Find out if he's cheating. If he is, or isn't, it is time for marriage counseling. You both have issues, and you can't even be sure of what those issues are yet. He's putting out red flags, and you both need to find better ways to handle marital issues and disruptions.

Having said that, he is being perhaps not "unfair", but is an idiot. You tell your W you want to "take a break" from the marriage, and don't spell out that this break is for "time away" and "all marriage vows and promises still in full force and effect", and well, you play those kind of stupid games, and you win those kind of stupid prizes. Also having said that, you knew better, even if it wasn't spelled out and agreed to. You knew it was wrong. And you did it anyway. Don't expect him to just be okay with it.

Now....investigate and find out if he's cheating. Putting a marriage back together after cheating (the kiss and grope WAS cheating) is hard enough when there is only that hanging out there. If he's also cheating, it's going to be impossible, and he will use it to beat you over the head with every chance he gets, and will use it as justification to continue his own shenanigans.
 
#56 ·
Looking through this thread the conclusion that I come up with is that Camera is a runner and her husband is a control freak. He's not an abuser or mentally ill. He's just a petulant, immature boy throwing a fit when things don't go his way, and I would imagine that behavior is what landed him in trouble at work.

Camera runs from conflict and looks for comfort where she can find it when she is frightened. In this case it was in the arms of a player, who saw her vulnerability and pounced on her like a leopard. He would have taken her to his car for a quickie had she not stopped him.

This marriage is salvageable and could be a good one with some counseling and mutual hard work, but both Camera and her husband have to want it. They have to both grow up.

Camera get back in your house and tell your husband that he can either work with you to fix the marriage as equal partners, or he can pack and leave. Make him an ultimatum. Yes, what you did was stupid, but that does not warrant him acting like a drama lama. You confessed want you did and you are remorseful, now he needs to either accept your apology and work with you or take his anger and move on to someone who can give it back to him.
 
#57 ·
I wouldn't have told him you kissed another man. He would have never found out. Odds are he is cheating as most spouses who say "they want a break in the married" are using that an excuse to cheat. He started the arguments to justify leaving. I also wouldn't have moved out, he wants a break from the marriage then he needs to move out. You have only been married a couple of years so I would probably just end it as he will never let you forget that you kissed another man
 
#60 · (Edited)
Can't agree with that. As someone who has just gone through this. She got the same advice: "don't tell him, it was a stupid drunken mistake, he'll never find out, you'll only hurt him".

I found out almost a year later. And the fact that she did not come to me immediately vs. how I did find out, has completely severed the trust I had in her. Had she told me the next day, I'd still be obviously hurt, angry, etc., but it would have shown me she was immediately remorseful, and could still be trusted....possibly not trust her to not make another "mistake", but her integrity would have been in tact, and I would feel I could trust her to own up to any future "mistakes" if they ever happened. I now do not have that. And that is worse than anything that may have taken place that night.

And had she told me, we'd of been dealing with it together, with the same time table. As it is, she rugswept this in her head long ago, and I am just now dealing with the fallout from it. We are working with different schedules on this, and that is not MY fault. Instead of dealing with it together back when we were having some problems, we are dealing with it now after a period of rebuilding the last 6 months or so, in what should have been one of the happiest and most satisfying times of our lives. Instead, all that work for the last 6 months or so that has gone into strengthening the marriage has been all but lost in a cover up and lie. And I have been made to feel like a fool all this time after being around her friend who knew this secret many times, and being in the dark. That just adds salt to the wound.

Nobody does something stupid, or starts an affair thinking they'll get caught. Yet it happens all the time.

Easy to forgive someone for being human. Not having integrity and not owning up to mistakes on the other hand....
 
#58 ·
Sometimes you can think and think and analyze and analyze, and you wind up missing the very simple things.

In my opinion:

- There was probably something to the accusation at his workplace, it just didn't show up in the e-mails.

- While you were off on your business trip, your H did something that he doesn't want you to know, thus all the acting out when you returned.

- The break is to have an A.

It's clear that what you did was cheating. There is no such thing as a 'break' in marriage. You are married, separated, or divorced & there are defined expectations for all of those states. A 'break,' no matter who instigates it, is not a hall pass. This isn't high school, so tell your gf's to stop pushing that justification for you.

If there is any chance for your M, I think there has to be real honesty. I would bet the farm that he hasn't been honest with you about his own behavior. You would both need IC.

If I were you, I would make sure I was in my home and I would be starting the 180 to get my head clear.

Please remember that 'I need a separation to think about our relationship,' is well-known code for 'I'm leaving so I can pursue my affair without worrying about you. If the A works out, I can divorce you and introduce my affair lover later as my new love & no one will be the wiser.' Cheaterology 101.
 
#59 ·
I agree that even though you were on a break, you still cheated.

Don't get me wrong, I cheated, and we weren't on a break. I get the fact that the guy listened and you fell for it. You were vulnerable and you let that get to you.

It is still wrong, however, I think you know it's wrong. You confessed immediately and you seem to have remorse. This is good.

What happens though is that on top of what your husband was dealing with, you added betrayal. You kicked him when he was down. (In other words, you took a brick out of the already unstable wall of your marriage).

On top of the damaged state, you've now added a layer of distrust.

Your husband doesn't sound like a gem. A lot of people here don't think my husbands a gem either, but I get it. I still love mine just as much as you love yours. Warts and all.

It's going to take some time to fix this. But I agree, you can't fix it from a distance. Get back in your home. When my husband and I separated, I told him I wanted the house, he looked for elsewhere to live. Then I realized I couldn't afford the house on my own so I told him he could have it. We remained in the same house. If I had kept the house and he left, or I would've ended up moving out earlier than planned - I don't think we'd still be together. We lived separated under the same roof for 4.5 months while I was buying my own house. A week before I was due to close, he asked me to stay. Had one of us left, I don't think we'd be together right now.
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