Hi,
I am new to TAM. I am 29 and my H is 34. My H and I have been married for 2 years in July (first, and hopefully only, marriage for both of us). We have what I would describe as a typical marriage – we have our ups and downs (a few arguments, nothing serious). That is until recently.
A few months ago, my H was experiencing some conflict at work. Someone at his job had started a rumor about him (that I knew was untrue) and although it resolved itself fairly quickly, his pride was hurt. During this time, I had been commissioned for a job that took me away from home for a week. This is normal for me. The job had been prearranged a few months prior, and in my line of work, opportunities can sometimes be few and far between.
My H and I talked every day that I was away (even if just to say goodnight) and I tried to be as supportive as I could be. I assured him that things would blow over and that nobody would believe the rumors because he is a valued member of the firm he works at (this all was true and did happen).
But when I got home, my H and I started arguing a lot more than usual and it felt like he was deliberately picking at pointless things in order to start a fight. He also said some pretty hurtful comments (I am too insensitive, I run away from our problems, I’m not affectionate enough, I don’t communicate etc). I will admit that I kind of lost a little bit of respect for him at that time (I thought how he was handling the whole situation was very childish). Sure, I am not as emotional as he is, and I don’t like emotional outbursts…but it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. And I think I communicate them well enough. As for not being affectionate… that is not exactly true…I just don’t like him squeezing my a** in public or kissing me in front of other people etc (which he tries to do a lot).
Anyway, it all came to a head about a month ago, when my H said he needed a break from our marriage to sort his head out. I was pretty shocked by this…I mean we were arguing a lot, but a break? It seemed a bit extreme. But when I questioned him on it, he said that we needed time apart in order to figure out if we were compatible enough/want the same things. I went to stay with a friend for 2 weeks.
What was meant to be 2 weeks turned into 3 and last weekend I went to a club with a friend and ended up kissing another man. It was nothing but kissing and maybe a little touching above the waist, and I hated it. It was terrible and it felt wrong and I put an end to it straight away. There was never any intent to take it any further than that. I love my H very much and despite what we are going through, I want us to stay together.
I told him what happened the next day, although initially I will admit that I didn’t want to tell him. I know I am loyal to my H and nothing like this will ever happen again. He doesn’t believe me, however, and he also doesn’t believe me that I stopped it. He said if I had, I would have called him straight away, not left it until the next day, and for all he knows I was "with" the other man all night. He says that I don’t have the emotional maturity to be in a committed relationship and he doesn’t know if he can ever trust me again.
Everyone is telling me that he is being unfair and that he deliberately pushed me away. We were on a break etc. I don’t completely agree with that – because I know how I felt when I kissed the other man. I felt disgusting. And they love me so, of course, they are going to take my side.
What do I do? I’m really confused about everything. My H says he doesn’t think he can get past this, but he is ringing me (and my friend) every night to “check” on me (that I am at her place, not out screwing someone), but when I ask to come home, he says he needs to think about it.
I am new to TAM. I am 29 and my H is 34. My H and I have been married for 2 years in July (first, and hopefully only, marriage for both of us). We have what I would describe as a typical marriage – we have our ups and downs (a few arguments, nothing serious). That is until recently.
A few months ago, my H was experiencing some conflict at work. Someone at his job had started a rumor about him (that I knew was untrue) and although it resolved itself fairly quickly, his pride was hurt. During this time, I had been commissioned for a job that took me away from home for a week. This is normal for me. The job had been prearranged a few months prior, and in my line of work, opportunities can sometimes be few and far between.
My H and I talked every day that I was away (even if just to say goodnight) and I tried to be as supportive as I could be. I assured him that things would blow over and that nobody would believe the rumors because he is a valued member of the firm he works at (this all was true and did happen).
But when I got home, my H and I started arguing a lot more than usual and it felt like he was deliberately picking at pointless things in order to start a fight. He also said some pretty hurtful comments (I am too insensitive, I run away from our problems, I’m not affectionate enough, I don’t communicate etc). I will admit that I kind of lost a little bit of respect for him at that time (I thought how he was handling the whole situation was very childish). Sure, I am not as emotional as he is, and I don’t like emotional outbursts…but it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. And I think I communicate them well enough. As for not being affectionate… that is not exactly true…I just don’t like him squeezing my a** in public or kissing me in front of other people etc (which he tries to do a lot).
Anyway, it all came to a head about a month ago, when my H said he needed a break from our marriage to sort his head out. I was pretty shocked by this…I mean we were arguing a lot, but a break? It seemed a bit extreme. But when I questioned him on it, he said that we needed time apart in order to figure out if we were compatible enough/want the same things. I went to stay with a friend for 2 weeks.
What was meant to be 2 weeks turned into 3 and last weekend I went to a club with a friend and ended up kissing another man. It was nothing but kissing and maybe a little touching above the waist, and I hated it. It was terrible and it felt wrong and I put an end to it straight away. There was never any intent to take it any further than that. I love my H very much and despite what we are going through, I want us to stay together.
I told him what happened the next day, although initially I will admit that I didn’t want to tell him. I know I am loyal to my H and nothing like this will ever happen again. He doesn’t believe me, however, and he also doesn’t believe me that I stopped it. He said if I had, I would have called him straight away, not left it until the next day, and for all he knows I was "with" the other man all night. He says that I don’t have the emotional maturity to be in a committed relationship and he doesn’t know if he can ever trust me again.
Everyone is telling me that he is being unfair and that he deliberately pushed me away. We were on a break etc. I don’t completely agree with that – because I know how I felt when I kissed the other man. I felt disgusting. And they love me so, of course, they are going to take my side.
What do I do? I’m really confused about everything. My H says he doesn’t think he can get past this, but he is ringing me (and my friend) every night to “check” on me (that I am at her place, not out screwing someone), but when I ask to come home, he says he needs to think about it.