My wife cheated on me, can I get over all it?

fatherof2 · 12-19-2008, 07:20 PM

I have been married for 9 yrs. and my wife had a emotional affair with a co-worker and I found out through her email address. It really sounded like she really did have an physical affair. I got mad of course and accused her of cheating. I showed my family the letter and everybody agreed that I would be stupid to believe that she didn't mess around. After about a month and some counseling, I told her I wanted to work on the marriage. She then said that she had nothing left and she wanted a seperation and we tried for a week but then I said we either work on the marriage or get a divorce. We'll she said she wanted a divorce but then at the last minute when all we had to do was sign the papers she backed down. Needless to say a gave her a chance then I found out that she was on this website user name lost wife7 and found out she did have a physical affair. Check out her posts.

Can I ever get over this, is it possible? Has anyone with experience know if it can happen.

I love my kids and love my wife. But the feeling of being betrayed and lack of love is to much. Help!

I have always been faithfull. I'm very hardheaded and my friends think I will never let it go, because I'm too black and white.

Initfortheduration · 12-19-2008, 11:54 PM

Can you narrow down a date to her posts?

draconis · 12-20-2008, 12:08 AM

Can you get over it, yes but it will take time and work. Now is the time for her to come clean and lead a transparent life. You need to be abloe to forgive her even if you never forget. While we all do make mistakes some should never happen but you can't change the past. Start by working on yourself than look at what is missing from the marriage from you and her and see if you can start to fix it.

A marriage that long is always worth another try.

draconis

Cooper · 12-20-2008, 07:36 AM

You sound just like me, wife cheated, two kids, everything is in black or white. Here's what I found out. When I new for sure that my wife was cheating I obsessed on everything she did and said. I spent all my time trying to catch her in lies. She would say we needed to work on our marriage and then I would catch her in another lie. IT WAS DRIVING ME NUTS!. There was no way for me at that point to forgive or forget and honestly I didn't want to , to many years of crap.
But I think if she had come completly transparent years ago in her activites we could have worked things out, my life was always an open book to her , her life was always secret. If you are like me you will always suspect and look for clues, that is no way to live.
For you to get past this and be able to trust again she must open up everything to you, if she refuses as my wife did, I'm not sure who you will ever learn to trust again.
I wish you the best of luck, I know exactly where you are and how it feels.

Cooper

Initfortheduration · 12-20-2008, 07:38 AM

I will make my comments to your wife on her thread. Sit down and read it together if you decide to confront her (my suggestion).

Initfortheduration · 12-20-2008, 07:41 AM

Some how her thread will not post forward. So here is the post I put on her thread.

You sentenced "a good man and a amazing father' to a loveless marriage for ten years. You make him a cuckold by cheating on him. And what is his prize? More loveless wasted years of his precious life with someone who will be "involved" with him in parenting.

In your initial post the last thing you stated was.

"But even though I knew nothing could come out of the physical affair I did have, I kind of fell for him. The sex was amazing. So my question is: Do I stay in my marriage even though Im not sexually attractive to my husband???"

One question. Why could nothing come out of the physical affair? Was he married too?

Let's see what this prize entails. You cheat on him then take him through the living hell of a divorce but in the end don't sign. Then he gave you another "chance" But of course you being the cheating, lying, faithless wife you are, you don't confess your PA and give him all the information to make a true choice (proving that you STILL selfishly think only of yourself). So now He gets to live with a woman who is not his wife. Not in any real sense. You stay together for another 15 or so years. And after this further commitment by him, you drop him like a rock as soon as the kids are gone. Crushing him again. Why would you do that to another person? If its about your kids. You have already put them through the ringer once. What? You're going to put them through it again when they're adults. What kind of an example of marriage do they deserve?

In closing. I will address my advice to fatherof2. You asked for my opinion. I couldn't continue on in a marriage living with a wife who can't be honest with herself or me. She states in her initial post "I have decided to see if there is a way to fall in love with my husband and be attractive(ed?) to him for the sake of keeping our family together" Sorry but she doesn't get that do over. Divorce her. If she is really committed to seeing if she can "fall in love with you". She needs to date, court and woo you from the start. That's the only do over she gets. And she doesn't get the choice. You get the choice. She is "still" a liar and a cheat. But if she can convince you that she has changed and can actually love you like you deserve. And you can forgive her, then you look at remarrying her. You both need to see if you "can" or in her case "can start" loving each other. But this must be done when both parties can make the choice freely. And without pressure. You deserve a wife who will love you unreservedly. You decide if she gets a chance to prove if she is can be that woman or not. Best wishes to you both.

We all have a stake in each others marriages.

fatherof2 · 12-24-2008, 01:40 AM

I feel really hurt and the truth is that sex is just getting worse. We have sex but its feels she does it just to keep the marriage going not because she enjoys it. She never wants to go for round 2 that night or in morning, which is my favorite because I last longer and that makes it more intense. This is the way it has always been. Plus she never initiates sex and just wants to do it once a week because she nows that if I don't have it at least once a week I'll get real cranky.

I just used to say that she is just not affectionate and that was o.k. and that she just didn't get off because its difficult for her. But knowing that she cheated and that she stated the sex was amazing, it just boils me up with anger.

I tell her I want her to leave me if she is not happy but she refuses and says that she loves me and wants be together as a family. I just don't truley trust her anymore and feel that she should have though about all that before.

The thing is that I do love her and I'm the ultimate family man. I love my kids and don't want to hurt them. I just want her to leave me so I can get out of this with a clear conscious. She refuses to leave which makes it difficult for me to pull the trigger. How can she do all those things to me and say a whole bunch of hurtful things and then try to just say it was a mistake or trys take back the hurtful statements and says that she really didn't mean it the way it sounds.

Divorse is a big desicion and I don't want to make the wrong one. I know she loves me, but she is not in love with me. I don't think she has ever been truely in love with me.

The saying goes " love me or leave me" not " love me or I'll leave you " . But she is to coward to make that desicion and I guess I am too.

Initfortheduration · 12-24-2008, 05:30 AM

I'm very sorry to here what she's putting you through. If you can live this way it is your choice. You're tying to play the cards your dealt. Have you considered a sex therapist. I will post to your member area.

Initfortheduration · 12-28-2008, 08:19 AM

If the suggestions I made do not turn things around for you. Don't stay in a marriage that is a sham. You will only hurt all those involved. Right now she is staying for one reason. Fear. Your marriage is all she has known and she is afraid to be out on her own. You may have to make that choice for her (and you). You are entitled to be with someone who loves you. You will find another. Now a days the ways of finding that person abound. You could try eharmony or match.com. There is someone out there for you.

There is a chance that she will change her mind. But not there and not now. She needs to be without you, to see if there is any future. Sign the papers.