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Caught her again

33K views 94 replies 47 participants last post by  ABHale 
#1 ·
I've been married to my wife for 11 years been together for 13 and have four children with her. About 4 years ago she cheated on me with an ex and went far enough to delete emails out of my inbox that a mutual friend of ours sent tell me she was cheating to hide it from me. Needless to say I found out we went to counseling worked though it.

Last year she had a mental breakdown(she suffers from depression and anxiety always has) and went to a phycological hospital for a stay while trying to figure out why triggered her break I searched through her phone and found she was talking to guys she met online and telling them lies about me beating her.(I have never hit a woman in my life) I confronted her with what I found she told me she didn't know why she did it and was sorry and that she never met any of the guys she was talking to in real life. I forgave her yet again and supported her through her issues.

Now today I accidentally took her phone when I left the house we have the same phones and sit them on the same table at night and admittedly being the nosy person i am and being paranoid due to past issues I went through her message,email and Facebook and have found she is talking to a brother of a mutual friend and lying about our life and talking about running away with him.

I am thinking of confronting her today telling her I want a divorce and that I can't keep forgiving the same behavior over and over again.
 
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#2 ·
she is showing her true colors document what you can go dark and file. nothing else can be said to her . you will just be tipping her off so she can cover her tracks. she mentally unstable
 
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#7 ·
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

No need to "confront" her. Even if she is mentally ill, she is an adult who knows of her own mental illness, and she is personally responsible to seek and work on getting the help she needs in order to stay faithful. She knows that infidelity is deal-breaker and does it anyway.

Just find an attorney or print divorce forms from your state online. Don't talk--act.
 
#4 ·
There are some people who suffer mental conditions and we are unable to help. Your wife seems to be one of said people. She is delusional, may she be a bit mentally unstable? Yes.

Could she accuse you of beating her? Yes. She is unstable. You need to create an exit plan.

I am trying to be nice and not blatanly accuse her of being a crazy and horny goat because I too suffer from depression/anxiety. Does she take medication? Has she been clinically diagnosed?

She could also just be extremely selfish and apathetic. I am so sorry for you. You definitely need to get the law on your side, I am afraid she will accuse you of violence....
 
#6 ·
I am thinking of confronting her today telling her I want a divorce and that I can't keep forgiving the same behavior over and over again.
THINKING of it?? There should be no thought in this. Strike 3, you are out. She is not only continually conversing with other men, but she lies and tells them you BEAT her? Get out. Before she lies and tells the police you beat her and you end up in jail…..or with an STD or both.
 
#8 ·
Don't confront her. Don't warn her. Just have her served with divorce papers. She does not deserve yet ANOTHER explanation of what she is doing wrong.

She appears to be a serial cheater. This is a deep seated selfish character flaw that does not just go away. They can hide it for awhile, even years at a time, but it always surfaces again.

I am a bit unclear - have any of her affairs been physical? Sounds like the first one with the ExBF was.

You and your children will be better of without all the stress/sadness she is causing.

Hate to say it but, a DNA test to determine the biological father of her children might be in order and a SDT test for you.
 
#9 ·
OMG, let her go for Gods sake. Your whole marriage is a lie. This is what you found so far.

If she is that unstable, can she have full custody of these kids? A lawyer can answer that.

Don't confront without separating some finances so she can't take all the money out and leave you bone dry.


You have a serial cheater wife. Every time you tell her your methods of catching she'll just get better at hiding them for future.

She gas lighting you each time.

Are you in USA?
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#10 ·
I have documentation of everything that has happened that I know about as far her infidelity goes. I plan on confronting her with witnesses. Yes I do need to confront her I want her out of my house and away from my children as soon as possible. As it is I contacted my sister and had her go by and get the kids today telling my wife that their cousins want to play.

As far as to why she cheated she explained the first time as she just fell into temptation with her ex who was her first love and regretted it and tried to hide it from so I would not get hurt and mad. The second time she never explained and I never cared to know I just forgave and tried to move on. I even told her I would forgive but not forget.

As far as her mental issues go she has been clinically diagnosed with general anxiety disorder,manic depression and borderline personality disorder. She goes to counseling twice a month and as far as I know takes her medication.

I'm just waiting on my boss to allow me to leave work so I can go home and pack her bags and tell her I want a divorce and her gone.
 
#11 ·
Before you confront, make sure you have your phone with the recording on. So, you can have her admitting to you never hitting her. Because she is already spreading lies about you and the marriage, who knows what she will claim when it's time to file for divorce.

Make sure you protect yourself first.

Your wife is what they call a serial cheater. It's probably a compulsion that she can't help and with you forgiving her all the time, she thinks she will get away with it yet again.

Make sure you have a copy of all the emails and texts and keep them in a safe place. Someplace she does not have access to.
 
#12 ·
You know what you need to do. She's not a safe partner and never will be. The first betrayal was on her. All the subsequent betrayals are on you. That sucks but it's true. You knew you had a cheater on your hands and chose to stay. She then did what cheaters do. You need to get out. Lawyer up, make sure the kids will be ok and get out of this bad marriage.
 
#16 ·
She is massively disrespectful of you as her husband and your marriage, and she seems to feel she has you figured out. She cheats, you catch her, she cries and begs forgiveness, you then work it out and forgive her. She then promises never to do it again, till next time. That is no way to live, constantly looking over your shoulder wondering which guy she is cheating with next. Plus it is very disturbing that she can so easily lie about you, accusing you of domestic violence.

You have given her more than enough chances and time to correct her behavior, she just isn't interested. She wants to pursue other men and she doesn't seem to care how much it hurts you. You didn't specify, but the first affair 4 years ago with her ex, was that a PA (physical affair)? Her being so careless with this ex that your friends were trying to contacting you shows she couldn't have much regard for you.

If you want to confront tonight, then do it. Tell her you refuse to stand in the way of true love, and if she needs to run away with this guy, you are setting her free with divorce to pursue him. But be prepared for the same show she has put on the last few times she got caught. She will go to it because it has worked every time before. You need to be strong and hold your ground. It would also be wise to download a recording app to your phone, or buy a voice activated recorder to have with you. Just in case she decides to accuse you of violence.

Remember, do not offer consequences you are not fully prepared to fulfill. If you tell her you are filing for divorce, then do it. If you back down she will have even less respect for you, and she will not believe anything you say moving forward. Plus she will continue on having affairs.
 
#19 ·
Please Update. Im sure this will be a very emotionally tiring evening for you. Please i say this gently, for her to have been allowed back twice already i worry about your follow through. Please don't allow her to minimize or lie to you... Don't let her blame her illness...This is HER.. mental health is a very confusing part of humanity, and I'm afraid she can never change. She does not want to, or the wiring in her head gets messed up from time to time, but the point is she does not want to be faithful or tell the truth. For what ever reason she is who you see, she is claiming you are a beater and an abuser...Hon, you are the abused one. GET OUT AND NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN. not even about the kids. You can get a mediator or a go between for any communication. You need to protect yourself from DV charges...they hand those out like business cards now. And your wife will probably do anything to maintain the lie she told to the other men. Video record iff possible but for sure get a VAR, voice activated recorder. THIS IS TO PROTECT YOU!
 
#20 ·
Your wife's mental state is dangerous to you. When in what appears to be a decent marriage where she is secure, she has cheated and lied. Not even just the garden variety lies cheaters tell, but the type of lies that could get you jailed, legally restrained from going to your own house, and legally unable to see your children, should someone take her seriously and involve the police and/or children's services.

Now, take a moment to imagine how far off the rails she will go when you tell her you are divorcing her. There are MANY men who were married to BPD, depresssives with anxiety who failed to understand the mentally ill mind they were dealing with and ended up losing everything because they thought they were safe due merely to the fact that they didn't actually do anything wrong.

Please, protect yourself financially, legally, and socially BEFORE you confront her. You need to make sure she has no access to your money or credit. You ned to make sure you tell family and friends what actually happened, ALL OF IT, so that she cannot tell her lies to them, too, and ruin your reputation and relationships with people you care about. Get a VAR or at least make sure your phone has voice recording and turn it on each and every time you interacte with her. Some people burn their evidence to disc, transfer it onto a portable drive, etc. and then distribute it to in-laws and close friends in order to show them the reality they have been dealing with and why the marriage has ended. You might consider that, because I have a feeling she'll be making you out to be pure, concentrated, evil before this is all over.
 
#21 ·
Sorry, my post over lapped your's. It seem like you have a good plan in place. Just take a step back and breathe. You don't want to go in as the raging bull. You want to be logical and calm.

You have to get your emotions under control because you don't want things to get out of hand. You also need your children to see you as the calm in the storm. That they can hold on to you.
 
#22 ·
I in no way said people DESERVE three strikes. I was basically just using a metaphor.

As far as going home and confronting her and telling her to get out….in your area, could you call the police and tell them what you are planning to do and have an escort? If she has lied and said you have physically hurt her before, she could easily set you up for domestic.
 
#33 ·
I in no way said people DESERVE three strikes. I was basically just using a metaphor.

As far as going home and confronting her and telling her to get out?.in your area, could you call the police and tell them what you are planning to do and have an escort? If she has lied and said you have physically hurt her before, she could easily set you up for domestic.
The police department here said kicking someone out of the house and asking for a divorce is a civil matter and they don't come out for civil matters. But did advise me to record it and have a witness if possible so still bringing the people I asked to come to be a witness and going to swing by Walmart for a var before confronting her.

I've also protected myself as financially as I can by changing my account information at the bank and cancelling/freezing our credit cards.

As for reconsidering my decision I just got off the phone with a family law attorney who is drawing up divorce paperwork for me so will have those when I confront her also. I am tired of this and regret forgiving her the second time and refuse to make the same regrettable mistake again.

Leaving to go pick up the var my witnesses and divorce papers now will update after I've confronted her.
 
#25 ·
Don't say a word to her about any of it until after she's been served w/ divorce papers.

Until then, document everything and get your hands on as much evidence (and remember to back it all up) as you can.
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#27 ·
Some needs to give this guy shamwows link to his thread or Spaceghost from surviving infidelity. Those are two great examples of how to walk away.

Staying with a serial cheater is never worth it. I tried for ten years and I would like to say I learned something really great form that experience but honestly the only thing I learned is I was a idiot to stay as long as I did. I not only hurt myself in the process I allowed her to hurt my kids. Don't walk away from her. Run....


C
 
#29 ·
OP,
If you feel any twinge of recanting on your decision to D her remember this. In order to fix any problem one must first know the cause. If your car breaks down the mechanic must diagnose the cause in order to repair it. If the cause cannot be diagnosed then the car can not be repaired. Even after her therapy and counseling she responds to your inquiry as to why she did what she did with "I don't know"? She cannot be repaired.
 
#31 ·
I would not confront her yet. Talk to a divorce attorney first and get a good plan in place that protects the children and you and your finances, then divorce her. It is sad about her depression and anxiety but she is a serial cheater who is not interested in changing, and she is not a wife to you. If you confront her now, she will just lie and cry and apologize and promise and... rinse and repeat for the rest of your lives together.

Put spyware on her phone so you can get a lot of evidence of her cheating over the next days/weeks until you're ready to serve her with divorce papers.

By the way - I would have been watching her phone, email, everything all the time with her track record. Good luck, I feel for you and your kids.
 
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