Guy, I have had papers for divorce drawn up and she has seen them. She realizes that I will likely divorce her now. She never even considered that I would do so while she was in the affair, if what she is telling me now is truthful. I feel, as many do, that infidelity kills a marriage. I view my marriage as now in hospice, but hoping for some miracle. Why is it in hospice? Because it seems to me what she did was a deal breaker for me. I don't want that to be the case and I am trying to figure a way out of it.
LosingHim, Why focus on the label? I don't think I should be but there is something there that really matters to me. If a person who raped you and walked off free without consequence came up to you and said, "I am not a rapist". You would say, "Yes you are!" If that same person was did 2 years in jail and was divorced by his wife and was obviously remorseful, came up and said, "I was a rapist" You would be much more inclined to say, "yes, you were, but are no more."
There's no need for labels as to what to call someone if they are genuinely trying to change. If they are still exhibiting the same behaviors, the lying, the cheating, then yes they are those things. If they are trying to grow and change, leave the labels behind.
I agree entirely. There is a point where we are not rugsweeping this, but there is also a point where you become resentful and abusive. For many months people told me, "Find you anger!", "Realize what she is doing and admit it to yourself", "Stop rugsweeping!", "Take your wife off the pedestal". OK, I have done that and I am coming to terms that the woman I married is not or was not the kind of person I thought I married. If I cannot let this go, then I cannot remain married to her. She knows this and I know this. I believe she is not cheating any more. I believe she is still hiding some of the truth, thinking it will hurt me more, which is true. The behaviors that she exhibited: Selfishness, entitlement, disrespect, and abusiveness, were there a decade before the affair. I know she cannot change herself in a week or a month or a year. It is and will remain an effort for a lifetime. I require and am working on that same effort to change me.
Blondi,
But, I'm telling you now that if you don't get the anger under control where you are not calling her at work and raging at her or raging at her at home, she may very well leave you. It doesn't sound like that is what you want. You say you're not controlling, but that is exactly what you did with the finances. You've still got the problem your wife has with your family.
Anger is not my vice. I have become, in my life, an expert at stifling it and ignoring it or controlling it. What I have expressed in the past three years is about what she expresses when the dishes aren't done. Lying or a deception is about control, so I agree with you there, so I have work to do on that. Part of expressing my anger, which is so very rare, is my work in being more authentic and open. I owe that to her to be open and honest about my feelings. I agree that anger is bad for you, but resentment is worse. But anger is a secondary emotion that derives it's energy from pain--the pain I feel from being devalued and losing the cherished relationship I thought I had with my wife.
Marduk,
Abusing her as a consequence for her EA was not justice. It was just abuse.
I'm not sure how you abused your wife, but discussing the EA is very necessary. Was your wife immediately remorseful or did she tell you to **** off as she drove off to be with another man? I watched her do that and the sight of it burns me to this day.
Seven times I discovered her lying and cheating, and told her to stop the affair and I forgave her. Each time she took that forgiveness and stuffed it up my ass. She asks for it again, this time with full knowledge that what she did all those times was a PA.
But what I see in your response is perhaps what I am after: Justice.
When a thief steals something, he is a thief until it is returned or until he serves a sentence. If he knows what he stole and does not return it he remains a thief.
But in this case my wife has given away something that cannot be returned. There is no way she can give back what was taken. What compensation can she give? Perhaps that is why the bible gives the punishment as stoning.
What many betrayed spouses choose is divorce and disclosure. That is the consequence of cheating. My wife is asking that I do not divorce her and to not disclose her cheating. How then can we set things right? Until we do she is still the thief that retains that which she stole. Additionally the other adulterer has moved on to other prey. My wife, due to fear of disclosure, has asked me to withhold any action against him. Where in this life can I find even the smallest measure of justice?
One thing is for sure, I will not get justice by calling her an adulterer. You all are right about that.
Maxo and ABHale,
Why are you still with a woman you clearly hate.. If you forgave her, it means you do not keep throwing it in her face. It not, divorce and get on with your life.
Yes you are in the wrong now. Pain still yes, your wifes fault no. You are the one causing the pain now trying to R.
You are unable to forgive her.........
I do not hate her. I love her very, very much. She also loves me the same. That is why I'm not giving up on this and divorcing.
I am just in the position here where I cannot forgive her. I already forgave her seven times and she threw the R in the trash. It is too much. So how do I accept and move on -- that is what I am aiming for. If God can answer my prayers and give me the ability to forgive, great! I'm just not seeing it right now.
If I were to divorce her and expose her (which divorce certainly would do) it would be her worst nightmare, at least that is what she is telling me. I know living with someone who is resentful and angry is no way to live. I've been there for the last decade and I wouldn't recommend it. Her resentment is gone now. She says it has vanished. Well it hasn't gone, it's just been transferred to me.
I just have to figure out how to digest it and deal with it. Somewhere in my dealing with it lies justice.
I'm just trying to make my way here guys. Thanks for your responses.