Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
I worry I am opening myself up to even more hurt rather than doing the right thing by trying.
So he said he was coming back, he was breaking it off and bringing his stuff back to our house. He even told my 17 year old this.
So then he stayed here overnight after he and I and the 17 year old had dinner and watched a movie. Early in the morning, he was lying very close to me, carressing me and seeming like he really wanted to make love but kept stopping himself.
The next morning he goes and says he is going to get his stuff and do the deed of breaking it off. He is gone for like an hour when I get a call from my friend--- he has called her husband and asked if he could have a few days to figure stuff out but she didn't want to say yes if I was uncomfortable with it. I lost it.
I called him and told him he was coming back today or not at all. I couldn't deal and our children couldn't deal with several more days of wondering if daddy was staying and working on our marriage or not. I mean, geesh, I put myself OUT there, and this is what he does? So again, he chose us and came back.
We spent the day together, with him and I taking a long walk and having a very honest discussion about what had happened, each of our parts in letting the marriage get in such a poor state and vowing to try and do some things better. He seemed sincerely sorry.
So this morning, he tells me he doesn't know if he can do this, he still has feelings for this woman, and he is so uncomfortable with me right now (um duh... why wouldn't you be?) I was flabbergasted... I mean, what the heck, we told the girls yesterday (11 and 12) that we were going to try and this morning he is saying he doesn't KNOW if he can go through with trying??
I mean, I am completely stunned at the extreme level of selfishness he is displaying.... REALLY?? Your FEELINGS are more important than the commitment you made to your wife of 23 years and your three children who you have just taken through the worst weekend of their lives???
And DUH... you see this woman with no strings or responsibilities attached for a few hours a week and you have FEELINGS for her... how f-ing easy is that, no kids, no house, no bills, no stress... nothing but fun and sex. Is his head up his ass? Did an alien take his brain? How could he even KNOW what he feels for someone under those circumstances... the hard **** happens HERE at HOME.
And lastly, I finally got him to tell me who it was, and it is SO humiliating... it is the sister of of the guy from one of our couples friends we regularly hung out with.. so I guess I was the last to know.
Should I just tell him to go or is this see saw thing normal at this stage for the WS? Help me.
Oh and before he left for work I did tell him that I was over the top stunned that he could be as selfish as he was being after telling both me and the girls we were going to try that he would even consider going back on that only 12 hours later because he still has some fee fees for his f--ing *****. OMG
Totally normal behavior from your H, unfortunately. Strap yourself in for a ride you can't believe. I am very impressed with how you are handling yourself. Continue to show your strength. Wishing you peace. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
for starters you should have told him that if he was going over there for closure then it was over- he needs to end contact by mail or email and never see or speak to her again.
To be honest, he's behaving exactly like my father did in his infidelity and despite his promises to me and my mother he continued his affair for 5 years until my mother's death.
I'll reiterate what I said in the last thread (just a suggestion, keep this all in one thread as it's easier for us to follow)
1) go see a lawyer- you still need to know your options and consider getting a post-nup. Also having the papers in front of him give him a real life indicator of how serious you are.
2) use spy tech, from the sounds of it your husband will likely try to take the affair more "underground"
3) tell him to sh!t or get off the pot- he needs to agree to the following or else you file-
a) No Contact with OW, no closure, no nothin', if she contacts him he must ignore it and tell you about it right away. Have him write a NC letter (we have one here as an example) and send it by certified mail to the OW.
b) He must be completely transparent- all passwords freely given, allow you access to his phone, etc. At the same time you should verify thru spying methods.
c) He must show true remorse. He must do the heavy lifting and take 100% of the blame of the affair. He must always answer all of your questions, repeatedly if necessary, and never protect the OW.
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
for starters you should have told him that if he was going over there for closure then it was over- he needs to end contact by mail or email and never see or speak to her again.
To be honest, he's behaving exactly like my father did in his infidelity and despite his promises to me and my mother he continued his affair for 5 years until my mother's death.
I'll reiterate what I said in the last thread (just a suggestion, keep this all in one thread as it's easier for us to follow)
1) go see a lawyer- you still need to know your options and consider getting a post-nup. Also having the papers in front of him give him a real life indicator of how serious you are.
2) use spy tech, from the sounds of it your husband will likely try to take the affair more "underground"
3) tell him to sh!t or get off the pot- he needs to agree to the following or else you file-
a) No Contact with OW, no closure, no nothin', if she contacts him he must ignore it and tell you about it right away. Have him write a NC letter (we have one here as an example) and send it by certified mail to the OW.
b) He must be completely transparent- all passwords freely given, allow you access to his phone, etc. At the same time you should verify thru spying methods.
c) He must show true remorse. He must do the heavy lifting and take 100% of the blame of the affair. He must always answer all of your questions, repeatedly if necessary, and never protect the OW.
I am doing all of the above... I have a lawyer appointment today. I am just struggling... if he is coming back to me ONLY for guilt reasons, I don't know if I want it. But on the other hand he is clearly in a fog about the reality of his relationship with the OW. He really went there because he also had to get all his clothing in stuff... when I kicked him out he moved there.
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlfromipanema
Totally normal behavior from your H, unfortunately. Strap yourself in for a ride you can't believe. I am very impressed with how you are handling yourself. Continue to show your strength. Wishing you peace. Posted via Mobile Device
Maybe I am just a fool.. I don't know. I still think somewhere in there he loves me... he really really was struggling not to make love to me the first night back... but I will never be able to complete with the kind of exciting and uninhibited (by daily life) sex he was getting from here and that terrifies me.
Also, do you think I should go to IC as well as our MC?
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
There's a big difference between guilt and remorse- it is up to you to decide if you want to be the 2nd choice and hope he emerges from his fog
tread cautiously
if he can maintain no contact for a while he MIGHT emerge from the fog but unless he starts to show signs of true remorse, you will have no healing and proper R
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
I'm on my phone so I can't respond as well as I'd like, but I highly recommend IC.
You've experienced a horrific trauma.
You are not a fool. You're really handling yourself exactly as you should, based on what I've read on your other thread. Your H is deep in withdrawal and"fog". He's probably unrecognizable to you. Keep standing firm. Do not waver. Affair recovery is HARD. I've read it takes 2 to 5 years truly recover. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa3girls
but I will never be able to complete with the kind of exciting and uninhibited (by daily life) sex he was getting from here and that terrifies me.
Also, do you think I should go to IC as well as our MC?
I felt the same way and my confidence was shot to hell for a long time- my best advice is that if you R is that you just jump into the sex. Many of us do that anyways and it's called hysterical bonding and it can actually help R when the other signs are there.
yes IC is a good idea, and in both situations shop around and find a good one
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
The humiliation continues... all of our couples friends knew... I just spoke to my husbands friend whose sister is the OW. Apparently nobody has been realling 'talking' to him anymore as they were so devestated on my behalf that he'd be doing this.
And get this... the OW, she just went through a divorce for the same reason.. her husband had an affair on her and she went through exactly what I am going through... can you believe it?
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
Lisa--he is behaving completely normal for a wayward and is following The Script to a tee.
You have to stand firm and draw a firm line and not back down from it.
Tough love, baby. Tell him, "Either you end the affair, or there is no marriage. This is non-negotiable. I will not stand in your way if you decide you want out, but I also deserve better and will not live in an open marriage where there is a third party. I will not be in limbo."
OW's divorce could have been because of her affair with your husband... Just saying.
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa3girls
The humiliation continues... all of our couples friends knew... I just spoke to my husbands friend whose sister is the OW. Apparently nobody has been realling 'talking' to him anymore as they were so devestated on my behalf that he'd be doing this.
And get this... the OW, she just went through a divorce for the same reason.. her husband had an affair on her and she went through exactly what I am going through... can you believe it?
Yes, this is awful. The humiliation is always the worst, when you find out that 'everyone else knew'...kind of blows away trust on every level. Well, I hope you get through this, all the best to you.
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
He's got a real bad case of the fog. I'm still fighting mine, and there are days that I doubt my efforts to stay with my wife. This forum helps me each day. That and IC.
If you haven't heard a loud popping sound yet, you will. That's when his head pops out of his rear and looks at the reality of what he created.
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
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Originally Posted by Jellybeans
OW's divorce could have been because of her affair with your husband... Just saying.
Agree with JB, wondering if it's true that the OW's husband had the affair. We know how some cheaters love to tarnish their loyal spouse reputation. Guess it depends on the source of information.
Even if it is true, it's not uncommon. Our MC told us about a woman (she didn't name her) who's husband cheated, left her, then divorced. The woman then proceeded to pursue a married man, because she felt justified since it was done to her. She also wanted to prove she could win a married man for the ego stroke. Our MC gave it as an example of how you can never tell in which way an affair will affect people mentally. They can grow and better themselves or sink to new depths with their justifications.
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
Its not uncommon for the OW or OM to have been cheated on before, especially in a marriage. Ironic as that sounds. We see it all the time on these threads.
Re: Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
Its not uncommon for the OW or OM to have been cheated on before, especially in a marriage. Ironic as that sounds. We see it all the time on these threads.
It's true. When I was young, my kid's father cheated...I embarked on a series of revenge f&cks, simply to prove that I could. Not something I'm proud of, but then, it was 20 years ago, and I'm not the same person at all anymore.
Am I just a fool or is this a normal phase for the betrayer? 
