Chances of cheating again?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Chances of cheating again?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-25-2011, 11:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Chances of cheating again?

Just out of curiosity, is there any statistics of spouses that cheat and the chances of them doing it again some point in the future?
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Chances of cheating again?

None that I know of, but I don't believe general statistics will help anyway. I think the real determining factor is whether or not the cheater sought help to find out why they cheated in the first place. Only if they know why they were weak, can they learn how to be strong in the future.

A more helpful statistic might be, how many disloyals cheat again after undergoing and completing therapy for their betrayal? I wouldn't be surprised if the odds are the same as everyone else out there in the world. Who knows, maybe better.

Sometimes I feel like fidelity is like rolling the dice. Every roll, the odds are the same.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Chances of cheating again?

As someone who cheated... Saffron's reply is a good one. Another indicator would be whether there was any fallout as a result. If the affair was just swept under the carpet ,everything was forgiven, and the issues that caused the spouse to being open to cheating were never resolved, the odds would be high. But if the cheating spouse was truly remorseful and sought to understand why they cheated, then the odds would be much lower.

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Old 10-25-2011, 11:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Chances of cheating again?

If the cheater only is bothered by the uncomfortable feelings of judgement, and feels no real guilt or remorse, then they will cheat again/still.

For that type of cheater, it is lack of character issue.

If, on the other hand, the cheater feels remorseful and ashamed of their behavior, they have a shot of never cheating again.
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Old 10-26-2011, 12:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Chances of cheating again?

As long as they raise their personal boundaries and stop risky behavior, as well as true remorse, I think chances are slim.

But that's the chance all BS's take when they roll the dice and offer the precious gift of R.
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Old 10-26-2011, 07:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Chances of cheating again?

It's funny, the search for this very question is what drove me to find infidelity support message boardS. I never found the answer, but I found a lot more that I wasn't asking for and I'm very grateful for it.
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Old 10-26-2011, 08:39 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Chances of cheating again?

It's the same with any and all behaviors. Behaviors only serve two purposes. To Get something or to avoid losing something.

With that in mind, I would guess the answer would be a matter of a simple profit/loss analysis.

When the DS does a subconcious analysis of the infidelity transaction, if the profits (pleasure) outweigh the potential losses or they believe that the risk can be mitigated, the transaction will repeat.

If the percieved losses (pain) are greater than the expected value of the transaction, the likelihood of a reoccurance is minimal.

All this is weighed out subcontiously by the DS. It's a range. The closer you are to the extremes the easier it is to accurately predict the behavior.



Extreme pain, little pleasure = No repeat. (reconciliation?)
.
.
(and in this area is likely where most fall)
.
.
Extreme pleasure, little pain = repeat. (divorce?)


Funny thing is... The actions of the LS during the process GREATLY affect the percieved profit/loss of the transaction (ie; CONSEQUENCES) Yet in most cases, we dont.

Ironically, the chances of the behavior repeating have as much to do with our actions during the intial transaction (as we help prepare the "profit/loss statement" in the DS's mind) as anything else.

Last edited by Pit-of-my-stomach; 10-26-2011 at 09:01 AM. Reason: i cant speeling very weel. lol.
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Old 10-26-2011, 09:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Chances of cheating again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear View Post
As someone who cheated... Saffron's reply is a good one. Another indicator would be whether there was any fallout as a result. If the affair was just swept under the carpet ,everything was forgiven, and the issues that caused the spouse to being open to cheating were never resolved, the odds would be high. But if the cheating spouse was truly remorseful and sought to understand why they cheated, then the odds would be much lower.

C
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This is true.

When I had my 2 false Rs, I was understanding and forgiving and would do anything to save my M, which is turned made it easier to run off with the OM a few months later.

The last time we R she had to talk me into it as I was prepared to D her and gave up on a R (I didn't want her back). Today she knows I will be just fine without her and I have no problem walking away if she even sneezes towards another man wrong. Because of this, she's way too concerned with making me happy so I will stay than being "bored" and looking elsewhere.

Basically if you show them you are confident in yourself and they know you can replace them easily if they ever left or cheated, more than likely they will respect you more and not stray.
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