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What to do about EA with younger woman?

2K views 9 replies 6 participants last post by  HerToo 
#1 ·
A few months ago, my husband told me he didn’t think he could continue in our marriage. We had become too distant through the years, and I was too busy with work (I am the primary breadwinner) and family obligations to have any time for him. He also told me that he is in love with a woman at his work who is 16 years younger than he is. They’re soul mates, made for each other, never before has anyone been more perfect for him. Claims they’ve been having an emotional affair for over a year, but with no sex (he cherishes her too much to do that while still married). Now he’s trying to decide if he should leave me for her, or if there’s enough left for him in our marriage to last his lifetime. He goes to work every day and spends hours interacting with her. By the time he gets home, he has little energy and little left to talk about with me. We can have a great time together and do have great sex, when he’s not so distracted by his situation and how much he wants her that all he can do is brood about it. And of course *they* have a great relationship! They have no responsibilities to deal with, no kids, none of life’s challenges that confront a marriage. I think it’s not the great love affair they think it is – their relationship is just a matter of their circumstances at work, her lack of a personal life (she doesn’t have much other than him, and is not very good at her job either), and his need for attention. I don’t want my family torn apart because of something that ends up being an infatuation, or midlife crisis (he’s 49). I want our great relationship back, the one I sacrificed to provide for our family, and I still love him with all my heart. I don’t know what to do about this. I’m in great despair.
 
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#7 ·
He's being selfish. If he really wanted to make your marriage work he would go NC with this woman and get a new job. If he refuses, then the reason you'd fill for divorce is becasue HE was the one unwilling to work on your marriage. A marriage can not be "worked on" with a third person involved.

An EA is just as damaging to a marriage, if not more so, than a PA. So if he's picking his relationship with the OW over you, then the marriage is already lost. Don't believe it if he feels he can stay in contact with the OW because it was "only an EA" or "they're just friends" and work on your marriage at the same time. It's fog talk and total BS.
 
#4 ·
Is the OM married? If so, expose the affair to her BH or SO, and when you do, don't warn your WH that you're going to expose. This is a workplace affair, so expose it to the HR department. Make it as uncomfortable as possible.

More of this soulmates crap. Its complete fantasy. If you're worried about driving him away into her arms, don't be. Because he's deep in the fog and you've already lost him for the time being. You cannot make him love you. You can only control yourself.

Don't believe for a moment that it hasn't gone PA. You cannot believe a word out of their mouths when it comes to the affair. Do the 180 and kick him to the curb. He needs to feel the consequences of losing his marriage. It may or may not snap him out of the fog, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, you have nothing to lose at this point in time because OW has his heart. Only once the reality of the situation hits him will there be a chance to salvage the marriage, if R is what you want. Kick him to the curb and file for D.
 
#9 ·
Candiegirl I could not have said it better myself.

Of course it isn't the great love affair they think it is...it rarely is! All affairs are based on fantasy, with no basis in reality.

He has to decide you or her and soon. If he wants your marriage to work then he needs to find a new job!! period. Cords have to be cut to go forward but he has to make that decision you can not force him to. Trust me on that, forcing him to cut it off with her will not work.
I am so sorry you are going thru this, i feel your pain.
 
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