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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » This feels like a soap opera

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-27-2011, 04:12 PM   #16 (permalink)
aug
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

You'll need the evidence you have thus far of the affairs - both your wife's and her friend.

Print the emails, or save them to USB or whatever. Secure them in a safe place.

When these are secured, expose to OMW and her friend's husband.

Since these emails of affairs were on the employer's computer systems, report her friend to the employer. Do not report your wife's till after the divorce is finalized so that any spousal support can be to your financial advantage.

You expose to her friend's husband so that he can deal with his own STD checkup and his wife's adultery. This way your wife's friend will no longer be in cahoots with your wife. Similarily, expose to the OMW.

Do a paternity test on your 6-month old baby. The test is relatively inexpensive. I think you do not want to be legally or financially responsible for the child if not yours.
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:15 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

Divorce is always an option right now. Unless your wife can land another job immediately, her quitting will hit you hard financially when you are divorcing.

Let the OM quit his job.
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:24 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

For recovery to have the slightest success she should leave her job now , if you are concerned about the financial consequence think of the lack of finance when you divorce , from hard experience the marriage never recovers if the waywards continue to work together.
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:37 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

For what its worth. The OM is actively seeking employment in another state for other reasons. (his wife wants to move closer to family) According to him he will be gone within 9 months.
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:42 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

That's 9 months of paranoia
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:42 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

Tell his wife. Do this without warning him or ur wife. Granted you did kinda drop the ball by threatening it but...do it anyway. Soon.
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:44 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

Yes...get a paternity test. Do not tell her u want to take her back so easily. Tell her that u refuse to live in an open marriage n u will divorce her if she continues this.
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:48 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

Tell the OM's wife now. Don't make her wait to hear what she is going to learn about anyways. As long as his wife doesn't know, he will try to contact your wife.
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:48 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

I know you think keeping it over his head is best instead of exposing but consider this-


what happens if you expose?

possibilities

1) exposure takes the excitement out of the affair and he realizes that he had it good with the wife, he blames your wife and calls he all sorts of things and your wife then comes out of the fog due to his rejection (more likely due to what you have written on how he has tried to slow it down)
2) he decides your wife is his true love and your wife agrees, they both file and try to have relationship but likely fail (3% chance, no lie) NOTE- this could happen and has happened- BUT know this- if it does happen then you didn't have a shot of repairing the marriage in the first place and only sped up the process and got your answer without being in the torture of limbo
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:02 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

There is also the chance that they'll just go deeper under ground since you wife will pursue him.

If they do set something up, maybe use that opportunity to contact the OMW , meet up with her at the rendezvous.
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:11 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

Your wife is in an environment where she can't possibly succeed and you can't possibly trust her. She can't be going to work where the OM and this 'friend' are.

I agree with exposing both to the OM wife and to the 'friend's husband.

Like someone else said .... If you expose, you will end things sooner and force her out of the fog. If you end up losing her, because of exposing, you save yourself the months of heartache while they take things underground and you end up without her anyhow.
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:29 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

If you W is remorseful, maybe what you have done is sufficient while expecting some posters to disagree, but in this case, she is not. Then, you should take your actions to the next level. You must expose to everyone. Expose it to the school principle so that they cannot casually meet up on the school property as people will see. Expose it to OMW as this will provide another set of eyes to monitor any further contact, not to mention this being the minimal consequence for him to seduce a married woman. Expose her friend's A to her H as well, as she is an accomplice and her H is in the same sitch as you without knowing it. He deserves to know.

If this set of exposure does not bring about remorse, then expose to your inlaws, your families, and your friends.

And, if you have doubt in her confession, just demand polygraph and see what she says.

Most importantly, do not fear D. It's your W who must apologize and seek forgiveness. And, if she refuse to do so, seriously what choice do you have? Accept the situation and be ready to go with the flow. Life goes on.
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:51 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

I feel that you have made some major mistakes. Clearly there has be no consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

You must inform the OM's wife. Look this man has at the least been fingering your wife and getting oral from her for a year. The wife has a right to know and it will end it immediately. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want the wife to tell you?

Her story sounds like bs. Cheating spouses never tell the whole story. I think there is a very good chance that they have been having intercourse. You need to get tested for STD's. In addition, you must have your baby checked for a paternity test even though you are convinced it is yours. You have nothing to lose and remember that cheaters are liars.

You have found out that they have been sexual for at least a year and you have a baby that is 6 months old. This means she has been having sex with all through her pregnancy and immediately after her pregnancy. This is simply outrageous and incredibly disrespect and humiliating to you. This should make you sick to your stomach that he was having sex with your pregnant wife. This shows your wife has nothing but contempt for you and your marriage.

She is remorseful because she got caught. Since you seem to have very little boundaries on her, I am guessing that she did this because she knew even if she got caught you would forgive her. Do you think if she knew that any cheating would have culminated in an immediate divorce, she still would have cheated? I doubt it.

Again the fact that she was cheating on you and having sex with the OM through her entire pregnancy with your child makes me think that you would be an absolute fool to stay with her. Her behavior is sickening. Seriously this is the ultimate in scorn and humiliation toward a husband. I strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. She is not worth of you and clearly has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
1. Get Tested for STD's
2. Contact the OM's wife and expose
3. See a lawyer for your options.
Nobody should have to go through what she has put you through.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:05 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: This feels like a soap opera

Bryan is right. I am sorry you have been put through this. But, you need to step up and do the right thing as regards the guy's wife, as well as your wife's frined's husband. It just is not right, even immoral, to sit back and leave thise folks in the dark. As others have pointed out, surely you would have wanted someone to tell you, right?

And, here is another little tidbit re affairs: the vast, vast majority of them go undetected, forever. So, you stumbleed upon this one. What do you think the odds are that this is her first foray inot this realm? You've been together for a while and have two kids. It is highly likely, statistically, that she has done this before and your kids may be, biologically, unrelated to you.

In studies among random couples in Canada, about 10% of all husbands are raising kids that are not theirs, biolgically, unbeknownst to them. When the sampling is confined to couples where the wife has cheated, the stats go up dramatically.
You should, IMO, consider paternity testing. And, STD testing is a must.
Your information re the extent of their activities comes solelyfrom your wife. I may be mistakes, but your wife may have just a small problem with being entirely truthful, at times.
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Old 10-27-2011, 08:37 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Wow I hadn't even considered if she has no job then if there is a divorce I'll be paying out the you know what. I know that chances are good that the kids will go to the wife in this case since she is not abusing them or anything like that. Well, other than the affair itself but that doesn't matter in court.

Some good advice here. Everything from suggestions on how to get remorse all the way to dump the bit**h and move on.

I'll have to think about this for a bit. The only advice I have from someone close to me is to think of my children first. That's been the main thought behind my actions so far.
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