chapparal

Good people don't lie, good people don't cheat, good people don't treat other people like they don't count, good people don't mess with other men /women when they are married. Once a person cheats they are always going to be known as a cheater. There is something inherently wrong with adulterers.

There is a reason adultery is considered equal to murder in most societies. In the past and many cultures today there is even a death penalty for this.

My point is this, the person you used to know is gone, may have never existed at all, but, has gone down an evil path without regard to anyone else. She's not good enough for you. Sorry to say it but she has knowingly decided to be low class trash.

Arnold

My XW would not stop,like yours. I divorced her. Within a year, the affairees were at each others' throats.

Shooboomafoo

Also know that just about everyone here is going thru, or has gone thru the exact same thing. From the "after divorce" standpoint, by about 2 months now, I am doing a lot better, going to sign papers on my own house today, will get to see my kid every other week for a week at a time, and honestly, looking forward to better things. There is hope for you my man, and better things ahead as well. Dont let yourself get caught up in the "why" this happened, sometimes its impossible to nail down, and the result isnt helpful. One foot in front of the other, for your own sake now.

lordmayhem

That's why it's a fact that 97% of relationships borne of affairs fail. They always think that its true love or something. A 3% success rate is a terrible chance to take to throw away a marriage for. But that's the fog for ya.

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

lisa3girls

I am so sorry... I am going through this too. And while I am STILL dying inside (I won't lie about that), I finally decided I didn't want someone who does want me, HOW is that to live? I deserve better.

Also, he came back for like 2 days, and I hated who I had become... suspicious and paranoid and loaded with anxiety about where he was and what he was doing and such.

I found out ONE week ago and I am still a mess. But I won't ask him back anymore.

Shooboomafoo

Thats the way I became with the voice activated recorder, checking her computer, checking her email, driving myself crazy trying to find more and more and more,, when the fact was right there in front of me.

ArmyofJuan

One reason why it's important to cut off communication is because they NEVER tell you what you want to hear. I remember being in this state and did the same thing and today I kick myself for being so dumb. I would have made much better impression on her if I had just ignored her than calling her and letting her see how pathetic I was. Huge turnoff.
In this state, you are your own worse enemy. There is nothing you can say or do to her to make her change her mind and you end up just digging yourself a deeper hole. Silence says more than anything and the less she hears/sees of you, the more she will think of you.
Ask yourself why would you do that? She disrespected you and you are not requiring her to do anything to come back? Do you want her back because you are scared to be alone, co-dependent, or just low self-esteem?

Forgiving too easily leads to more cheating. It's not your fault, she screwed up and she has to make amends or it will be a mistake to even think about reconciling. I had 2 false Rs because I did what you are wanting to do.
Only short term. The VAST majority of affairs (over 90%) die within 2 years. If you can hold your head up and get back your dignity then long term you will be far better off than her. Her relationship with the OM has no real future and if you move on and work on yourself (something she's not doing) she'll end up with nothing and be alone and you'll be in a better state of mind and may find someone better (there's ALWAYS someone better).

The problem is you allowed yourself to be a doormat/safety net which is bad news for you. She won't be interested in you again until she thinks you stopped caring for her. All you've done so far is enable her affair and pushed her away.

The best thing you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore. Block her from your phone/email and when you have to communicate be cold and very short (yes/no answers, nothing personal like "How are you" or anything about what you are doing). 180 and cut her from your life. She needs to be begging for an R before you even think about talking to her again. If she decides she wants you back she will move Heaven and Earth to find you and let you know. Ironically, the more you blow her off, the more she will want you. Don't think you have to jump on every chance you get, you end up scaring them off. She has to talk YOU into taking her back, not the other way around.

2 or 3 months of the silent treatment will tell you one way or another. Take care of yourself and work on being independent.

Keep posting. Most of us have been where you are at now and its the same story over and over.

lisa3girls

I know... we have been married for 23 years, and together for 30- I have been with him for more of my life than I haven't. It makes me questions everything and yeah, scary as hell.

lisa3girls

Me too, the evenings after my girls go to bed, the middle of the night wake up (panic attack), and the early mornings....

ing

THIS

Initfortheduration

Divorce her. You just don't understand. You are doing the worst thing you can, if you had any hope for reconciliation. She has contempt for you, because you don't respect yourself. As long as beg, plead, and cry, the more contempt she will have.

Immediately, separate banks, cut her off financially, get a lawyer and start proceedings.

crossbar

Don't thank us yet...You're going on a ride and it's called the roller coaster of emotions. Some days you're gonna be sad, then angry, then indifferent, then happy, then back to sad....this will be normal.

I agree with others here. Keep contact to a minimum (if you can make it not at all, that would be better)

Anytime you feel like contacting her, post here instead. Anytime she contacts you, post here instead of replying to her. People WILL talk you through this.

Jeres

Very good advice and I will do that. It's very hard though. Yesterday when I decided to tell her that I can't just wait for you to unravel your confusion and that I am making the decision to end this so I no longer have to be subject to you playing with me, I felt better.

The nights are the worst times. After I initially told her, I felt good. In fact I read all of the comments that people posted back to her so she can see how other people see this and than told her that I am moving on. I felt a sense of relief, I wasn't bothering myself about it too much. but as the evening wore on, I found myself in the same place as the previous night, maybe not as bad, but it wasn't great. I still woke up early and it's the first thing on my mind, so I can't go back to sleep. But, I didn't call her, didn't text her, I just forwarded a nice email that I sent to her parents telling them to look after her (she has an odd relationship with them). I know what I am doing, but it's a start and better than previous days.

I feel trapped, I want to make her life hell, but am very reluctant. I could tell the people that she works with and that would ruin her career but what happens then? she might have nowhere to go and ends up coming back and I don't want that, especially under those circumstances. I could tell OM's on again off again girlfriend, but I'm not sure of the repercussions for me in that. And I only know that it's on again, off again from my WW telling me. She's sleeping at his place so it can't be too on. I mean I'm sure it would still have positive effects for me in some way, but I feel trapped by the potential negative ones.

The only thing I feel 100% comfortable with doing, is to cut-off contact and show her that I have moved on, hoping that, that makes her feel insecure. But now, it's not even to get her back, I think and hope that she reflects and realizes what a mistake she has done and feels trapped by her decision.

I don't know, I just feel like such a loser in this. It's as if when you were a kid, your parents decided to act funny, not come home as much and you eventually find out they have moved in with another family - this just sucks and I want her to feel the pain of this. I would tell the people at her work, but I can't, while I live here because it would make things really tough and she would see it as, "why don't you just get it, I have moved on" and I don't think that attitude would benefit me or this process.

in the state of California, how fast can I have her served for D papers and where do I find out how to do that?

Thanks so much guys!!

jnj express

Hey Jeres----you can file and serve at the same time-----Costs $360 something to file, and then have her served------

What you should do is go to google, and type in California Family Codes---then look at everything---when you are finished, you will know what any atty., knows about calif. family law---divorce, custody, support, property, everything---go there and soak it all up

Jeres

Thanks, I will look over that. can you tell me where to go to file the papers? can I do it all online?