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Help and advice needed

38K views 226 replies 18 participants last post by  Chaparral 
#1 ·
My story is so complicated that it could show up in all the topics on this site but since all has come to a head with the discovery of my wife's EA that was headed toward a PA I will share the story here. We have been married 18 years. I raised two of her kids and we have two at home that are ours. Nine years ago we bought a business and I will admit that it became the top priority in my life. We began to argue a lot and I said many mean things to her that were never meant but were said in anger. BUT, I have always been there for her and supported her in the things she wanted. But I guess I was not there for her emotionally...too busy with everything else in life and did not feed our relationship or take care of it enough. I knew we were having marital problems but thought these were NORMAL marital issues. The business has been in trouble for three years now and I finally have let go of trying to make it work. I was ready to start focusing on us again because I felt I finally could when I found out that she had been in a EA since June (I found all this out last week). This past Monday I found that she was planning on meeting him at a hotel. BTW this is the second EA she has had, the first ended some years ago. Now, she has said she has no feelings for me or is not sure if does and that she has feelings for the OP or she thinks she does. She is not sure. I have committed to trying to fix things but she is not sure she can. I really don't know what to do here? Am I just out of luck? Do I wait until she decides whether she wants to be committed to the relationship again? My heart is broken. The one person I ALWAYS thought would be there through thick and thin has betrayed me. Obviously there are more details to our life together than I have outlined and I can explain as this thread grows. I really want our marriage to work out but am I fooling myself here?
Thanks!
 
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#2 ·
She has betrayed you twice probably because you didn't make her do the heavy lifting the first time. So now she is in her second EA and likely feels that she is in control, not you. And from where I sit, she is.

I hope other have some good ideas to help you. I don't, because I also had an EA. But I'm not in control, my wife is.
 
#5 ·
Stop blaming yourself, fisrt of all.. Your wife is an adult and had myriad options to deal with any dissatisfaction or unment need other than cheating. I think a high % of betrayed spouses cling to this idea that their deficiencies caused this.
Ah, as far as I know, my marriage vows did not include an exception for when I felt dissatisfied. Did yours?
 
#7 ·
Thanks to all. Yes, she did have a bunch of options and I have said that to her. I told her that the vows included a better and WORSE part and that I always thought our problems could be worked out. I mean, I have to agree with her that she tried to get my attention but the weight of the business, especially when things went south, really consumed me. I was just trying to feed my family. The OM is married and her first response was "please don't contact him I don't want to ruin his family." I told she already had. I have not contacted him yet, but still hold that card. And if I contact anyone it will be his wife...she needs to protect herself as well. As far as what I have done so far? I have tried to be reasonable about this (but remember I am in emotional shock so what I think is reasonable may not actually be reasonable). We talk. We talk a lot and I believe that we are doing so honestly. She says she does not know if she wants D or R and she is not ready to quit the EA, which I told her has to happen if we have any chance at all. I told her we need to exchange passwords to email, FB, and phones as a sign of trust. She really got angry at that and said I had no right to her private business. I told her I agreed but that there is a difference between privacy and secrecy (yes, I have been reading the other threads here). She has said she will go to a councilor but she failed to call one yesterday because "things were just to crazy all day." Um, yeah, she sits at home and tries to write her book. Last night at a meeting of an association I founded I announced that I may be moving in December and would need to step down. I think that may have shocked her a bit even though I told her I was thinking about it. Why December? Because I have many work-related things to finish before I can turn operation of the company over to someone else. If I could do it sooner I would. Today I go out of town for work and will be gone until Monday or Tuesday. I am not going to contact her at all. She can contact me and I will decide to answer or not. And that's the story so far...
 
#8 ·
You NEED to tell his wife. Don't hold it as a card.
Your wife is scared that you exposing to the OMW will drive a wedge between her and the OM - not because she really cares about his family. If that were the case would she be in a EA anyway?
I know it's hard. But expose, don't tell your wife, and when she tries to blame you mention that she and the OM had already ruined his family long before you did.
 
#9 ·
If you read the threads on here it is always advised to contact the other mans wife. Most of all it is because she deserves to know that her husband is in an affair. Secondly, it is the best way to bring your wife and the OM back to reality.

Where did you two come up with the idea that there is privacy in marriage? The whole point of marriage is that two people become one. Demand full access to all passwords phones computers emails etc.

Put a VAR in her car and wherever she may try to use her phone when you are not around.

No way I would leave town without outing them to OM"s wife. Stop it before they meet if they haven't already.
 
#10 ·
Thanks Chapparal! One thing is, and this is of course her side of the story so I don't know how true it is, she claims that the OM does not know that she has feelings for him and that he has never expressed feelings for her. So maybe this is a one way EA, I am not sure. As far as them meeting while I am away...he lives in another state and it would be an 8 or 9 hour drive for him. And she will be watching our two kids while I am away. I know about keyloggers (though I have no idea how to install one) but I am not familiar with a VAR? Not sure at this point I need to know the details of the relationship...I have already caught her in it. She admits it. She says she is not ready to quit and that she will do it on her terms not mine. As far as privacy in marriage, one of the stickys I read here advises that there needs to be some privacy in a marriage but that there is a big difference between that (say keeping a personal journal) and secrecy (like texting in secret). Of course these days she texts right in front of me...but still says its her GF she is talking to. She claims she doesn't know what she wants and that the EA could have been with anyone, not anything special about this guy...yet she is falling or has fallen for him. I told her that I feel like she is stringing me along (and she is) and that I am simply her back-up plan. She really got angry at that. I am trying to treat this gently because if she gets angry or we fight then the lines of communication will be severed.
 
#11 ·
As others always say, you can't believe any thing that comes out of their mouth. Find out the text/phone count to the OM, that will tell you how involved he is.

VAR small voice activated recorder you can buy cheap at Best Buy, Walmart etc. Stick one under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. If she's using her phone that's where cheaters think they have complete privacy.

As you will see on other threads, an 8 hour drive and taking care of two kids is nothing to two cheaters. With you being away it is no problem at all. How does she know the other man. What do you KNOW about him.

Guessing you are only looking at the tip of an iceberg but hope to God I am wrong.

KNUTWILLIE lost his wife over the internet to a used car salesmann online. North Carolina to New Orleans and several kids. Of course he pretty much did everything wrong.
 
#12 ·
Your wife is a cheater. That means she is also a liar.

What she is doing is engaging you in negotiation and lies to protect her ongoing affair. Like the addict she is, she will do and say whatever she needs to.

For you marriage to continue the first and most important thing is for the affair to end. The best way to end it, since she won't, is to expose it. Tell the OMW - give no warning, don't hesitate, just do it.

That will give you and ally in the war, and it will help get the OM out of the equation.

You wife will me over the top angry at you. This is ok and normal. She is reacting and lashing out at the person who is taking away her drug.

When she gets clean and sober she will realize and acknowledge what you did was the right thing. This is lesson learned here over and over again from people who have done it.

Do not accept the "I need time to figure myself out". " I need a break", "I just want to be friends with him", etc. These are nothing more than negotiations to continue her getting her affair fix.

Expose, tell her you will not enable or support her cheating, and you will only accept being in a marriage with her, not her and the OM.
 
#15 ·
Yep. What Shaggy said. Honey u are deluding yourself if u think this is an E A. They've been at hotels before together. They weren't meeting up to talk about. Cupcakes. The A doesn't end on her. Terms. Or rather....she doesn't get to dictate that. YOU NEED. TO EXPOSE THE AFFAIR TO THE OMs WIFE. Yoi must do this without any warning to ur wife or the OM. Because all that does is give them time to get their stories straight and try to downplay the affair. She is terrified of u exposing the A but nooot bcause she's afraid of upsetting the OMs wife...she knows if u expose the affair its very likely that will be the end of the affair and she can't keep sneaking off w him. Afffairs thrive in secrecy. They lose their flair once exposed. Affairs are secrets. And in faact if u don't tel...u u are helping enable and protect the affair. Pretty sick. Huh? U need to stand up and start respecting urself. She doesn't. She will though once u tell her u aren't doing this with her. Tell her in no uncertain terms: I've been thinking about what u said about not ending ur affair and only ending it on ur terms....that doesn't work for me. Either u commit to the marriage w me and end all contact with. Him or we divorce. I will not live in an open marriage. I will not lie to the children for u. I knoww I'm not perfect either and am willing to work on my wrongs...but NOT. While you're having another affair. I deserve better thaan a serial cheater for a wife." And walk away. Non negotiable. No wiggle roo. Stand ur ground and get tested for stds.
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#17 ·
Thanks again. I have told her that the affair must end and that she is married to me. I will inform the OMW as soon as possible. As far as how she knows him? They went to High School together many years ago...just knew each other no dating. She hooked up with him last June at an HS reunion and they have been sexting/texting ever since...or so I gather from what she tells me. I don't know how to access her phone records as it is a different phone account than mine and in her name. I cannot get to her phone, she guards it like a golden idol. In terms of the VAR it won't help. She texts 99% of the time and emails as well. She admits that there have been a few calls. Again though...do I really need the details? I know about the EA and I know she is not wanting to give it up. I think this is a discussion for AFTER she quits him? If she is still unwilling to share email passwords, phone passwords etc. then I should engage in such devices as I can to make sure it is really over? And in the end what really matters...as far as I can tell is that the EA is only a symptom of bigger problems. The EA must end if we are going to work on the problems but my eye (I think) is on the ball of helping our relationship not on the distraction (and complication) of the EA. Am I totally off the rails here?
 
#18 ·
Dude. Its not an EA only. She is fcking him. They meet at hotels = they're having sex. Get it? And nooooo...the password and phone convo doesn't happen "after" the A ends. U tell her if she's not willing to give. Those up and be transparent then u are not interested in being married to her. Put your foot down and mean it. You have no boundaries which is why she's walking allll over u. Until u draw a line in the sand a nd tell her the jig is up...u can expect this to continue. Tell her its the A or u.a d that doesn't mean she gets to decide when to end it. If she waaffles...tell her she can GTFO. You will not stay w someone who's betraying u and u won't have ur children. Around that type of behavior n u won't lie to cover her ass.
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#19 ·
Thanks Jellybeans. No she has not been with him physically yet. I know that is fact. I caught her just before it became physical though. It may yet become a PA as well as EA. Unless I can get her to end it. You are of course right, I must simply say "this is how it is or adios!" And yet I live on the fear that she will say "well then adios!" and where will that have gotten us? I do NOT want to lose my wife. There is another issue as well. We still have two kids at home. The 15-year old could deal with the D (I think he could anyway) but our 9 year old has severe ADHD and needs to have what he perceives as a stable environment. This is the other reason I feel like I need to really work at the marriage because I really don't think he would deal well with a D. She and I have talked about it. Maybe if we can't have a relationship just staying together until he is able to deal with things. That idea sucks but I would be willing to do that for my son. Not sure what she thinks about it now though. At first she was right with me on the belief that he needs both mom and dad in the same house. Now, I don't think she is paying it much mind at all. I am really at my wits end here folks and I really want to thank you all for taking your time and talking this over with me. I look forward to many more thoughts from you on this.
 
#21 ·
With this attitude, and I am really sorry to say it, your going to lose everything. This script has played itself out over and over and over again on these forums and with what you are doing it ALWAYS works out badly.

Yes, if you do what you are being advised to do you may lose your marriage, a marriage that right now is already lost. At this point she doesn't see you as a real man as real men do not even come close to condoning other men in their marriage.

However,odds are, the other man is not interested in losing his family, just looking for a roll in the hay. THAT"S why you tell his wife, so she can bring him to his senses. She is probably already suspicious. Your wife will thank you in the long run for keeping her family together.
 
#23 ·
Stop finding excuses on why you can't do what needs to do be done to save your marriage.

Cards on table: she likely went PA at the reunion. So don't worry about it bring PA or not. Assume it was.

Next, you aren't going to end the family by exposing the affair. She has already ended the family by starting the affair. At this point the only thing on the table is what she will do to start the family anew.

Exposé to his wife ASAP. Your wife's fear of you doing that tells you that it will hurt her affair. Her fear should tell you that it is the thing to fo here.

As for the phone. If it was me, I'd find a way to end that phone. Are you the only source of in come! If so cat her off from $. She's using it to finance the affair.
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#25 ·
Wow you guys...so much to think about here! Drove seven hours today to the job site. Thinking about all that has been said here. You are all correct. So, how do I get the OMWs phone number? I have HIS name and the city he lives in but do not know her name. The white page listing is in his name only. I guess the thing is I wanted to let her do the RIGHT thing and quit the affair at my request (yes I know she did the WRONG thing by starting it in the first place). But I have figured out several other little lies she has told me about this as well (it was a long drive!). I also have her phone records, turns out they were on file at our business. From June 11 to June 18 alone there 779 texts, most on two days and of those 687 were to him That's over 300 per day for those days. Yes, I think her morals are very different than mine.
 
#26 ·
OK: UPDATE. I hope you all are right about this. i have been trying to find OMWs number but in the meantime my wife texted to say hi and find out if I was alright. I told her no I was not. I mentioned that I was on this site (not by name of course) and that I had been advised to tell her to end the A now. I said "bottom line him or me?" She wrote back and said "working on it." I said "NO not working on it. The time is now!" After a pause of about ten minutes she wrote and said "I choose me!" I said "wrong answer, c'ya." She immediately wrote back and said "ok." A few seconds ago she said "I choose neither of you, i choose to be alone." I did not answer. She has now tried to call four times...and counting. This is REALLY killing me you guys...
 
#28 ·
Don't tell her about this site. Don't mention it again. Are u on Facebook? If she is and is friends w him on there u may be able to find out his wife that way. Don't respond to her. She's doing the typical things a wayward does when the betrayed tells them to get off the fence. Let her know its non negotiable. Holy cow...almost 7pp texts to him in less than a week? She's in waaay deep. I've prob gotten twenty texts this entire week.
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