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Help and advice needed

38K views 226 replies 18 participants last post by  Chaparral 
#1 ·
My story is so complicated that it could show up in all the topics on this site but since all has come to a head with the discovery of my wife's EA that was headed toward a PA I will share the story here. We have been married 18 years. I raised two of her kids and we have two at home that are ours. Nine years ago we bought a business and I will admit that it became the top priority in my life. We began to argue a lot and I said many mean things to her that were never meant but were said in anger. BUT, I have always been there for her and supported her in the things she wanted. But I guess I was not there for her emotionally...too busy with everything else in life and did not feed our relationship or take care of it enough. I knew we were having marital problems but thought these were NORMAL marital issues. The business has been in trouble for three years now and I finally have let go of trying to make it work. I was ready to start focusing on us again because I felt I finally could when I found out that she had been in a EA since June (I found all this out last week). This past Monday I found that she was planning on meeting him at a hotel. BTW this is the second EA she has had, the first ended some years ago. Now, she has said she has no feelings for me or is not sure if does and that she has feelings for the OP or she thinks she does. She is not sure. I have committed to trying to fix things but she is not sure she can. I really don't know what to do here? Am I just out of luck? Do I wait until she decides whether she wants to be committed to the relationship again? My heart is broken. The one person I ALWAYS thought would be there through thick and thin has betrayed me. Obviously there are more details to our life together than I have outlined and I can explain as this thread grows. I really want our marriage to work out but am I fooling myself here?
Thanks!
 
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#30 ·
I say don't respond right away. She's gonna come at u screaming and blaming u and trying to rationalize it away. Typical. Best advice is to respond with zero emotion. She's gonna expect u to lose it so prove her wrong. Let her go off and when she's done say "you are having an affair. I will not live in an open marriage. You've. Said you choose to be alone and I will not stand in your way but I will also not be treated like this. You are cheating and I deserve better. This is not your first affair and this doesn't work for me." Let her hoot aand holler. Stand ur ground...do noooooot back down. Its crunch time. If she smells blood or fear she will keep it up. Keep repeating to her " you are having an affair. And I deserve better."
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#32 ·
Just had an angry message. Basically she said she was going to have her friend help her put together an email to the OM tonight to get it to stop. But since my txt to her she is thinking she can't live like this with me either. "Can't tell him to quit texting without telling you to leave because I want to make sure I am doing this because its best for ME" Asking if I want to separate for a while. The separate text "want to separate for a while?"
Can't see through these damned tears...
 
#33 ·
Do you see that when you stand up for yourself you change the dynamics of the relationship with her. She was manipulating you like a little puppet. You stand up for yourself and told her that you will not accept this and that you will move on and what happens: She is begging to communicate with you. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. She has not respected you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
 
#36 ·
She is continuing trying to manipulate you and stop you from standing up for yourself. If you were screwing another woman do you think she would have been so accepting as you have been? Don't let her play this games with you. Get tested for STD's and see an attorney to understand your options. Knowledge is power.
 
#38 ·
Ya...use whatbryan said too. Tell her "would you like if I was cheating on u for the second time like you are? " she will try to change the subject and deflect and call u names...get ready cause she's gonna sling a lot of sht...but don't let her. Ask her..."answer me....yes or no....would you like if I was cheating on u for the second time?l
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#40 ·
Remember ...nooooo emotions when u talk to her. Play cool calm and collected. She is going to hate this and it will work to ur benefit cause she's going to sound like a psycho ranting. Every single thing she's doing is VERY TYPICAL. Its a script all wayward spouses follow. We can pretty much predict everything she will say n how she will react. Expect her to act crazy cause you're standing ur ground.
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#42 ·
ok...answer: not sure if getting rid of OM will solve problem or will think of others...its not him its me...i am trying to let go so i can focus attn on me and why i am doing this...i know i don't matter to u in the equation but i do to me...and i deserve better for me too...
 
#44 ·
Last message: OK u know what? I really think that maybe we need to stop before we say stuff we r going to regret. I have to go to town now. Call me cheater. it huts. So you know why would you even want me? guess the answer is...you really don't. And i am the bad guy of course. u had nothing to do with any of it. and funny...u told me that marriage counseling ruins marriages, yet ur talking to them online. but won't seek your own counselor now will ya?
 
#47 ·
Well here it is folks: "so here is my plan. I will be constructing an email tonight to OM telling him I have feelings for him and that I have to quit texting him so i can get my head together. And, I am going to separate from you for the same reason. Arent you glad you forced my hand?" Then "Yep, thats my decision and it is my decision to separate from you" in answer to the open marriage comment suggested by you all.
 
#51 ·
Most of her stuff now is emotional outburst. That's to be expected. She's now is a survival or defensive mode and will do or say anything to lessen the impact.

Your position should be firm and simple. Stay in the marriage or go.

In one of her text she said:
not sure if getting rid of OM will solve problem or will think of others
that's an admission she cant be faithful in the marriage.
 
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