My story is so complicated that it could show up in all the topics on this site but since all has come to a head with the discovery of my wife's EA that was headed toward a PA I will share the story here. We have been married 18 years. I raised two of her kids and we have two at home that are ours. Nine years ago we bought a business and I will admit that it became the top priority in my life. We began to argue a lot and I said many mean things to her that were never meant but were said in anger. BUT, I have always been there for her and supported her in the things she wanted. But I guess I was not there for her emotionally...too busy with everything else in life and did not feed our relationship or take care of it enough. I knew we were having marital problems but thought these were NORMAL marital issues. The business has been in trouble for three years now and I finally have let go of trying to make it work. I was ready to start focusing on us again because I felt I finally could when I found out that she had been in a EA since June (I found all this out last week). This past Monday I found that she was planning on meeting him at a hotel. BTW this is the second EA she has had, the first ended some years ago. Now, she has said she has no feelings for me or is not sure if does and that she has feelings for the OP or she thinks she does. She is not sure. I have committed to trying to fix things but she is not sure she can. I really don't know what to do here? Am I just out of luck? Do I wait until she decides whether she wants to be committed to the relationship again? My heart is broken. The one person I ALWAYS thought would be there through thick and thin has betrayed me. Obviously there are more details to our life together than I have outlined and I can explain as this thread grows. I really want our marriage to work out but am I fooling myself here?
Thanks!
Don't contact her. She will contact u. Its inevitable. Be strong and maintain ur position. If u need to scream go outside for fresh air. R u at work? Posted via Mobile Device
Never text back immediately. Even if you know exactly what you're going to say make it look like you are weighing all your options. She has to believe you will dump her.
You have to blow up other man fast. Try the home phone if he answers hang up after you ask for fake name. He doesn't know your voice, right? Have you tried spokeo.com?
Thanks Aug! The kids are my greatest worry at this point. She has made her bed. Now what though? I don't expect to hear from her for a few days. She might not be there by the time I get home. This dmned heartache is killing me. She was the single most important thing in my life...but I will be strong. I will not contact her.
Does not know my voice but has been warned that I might contact him by my wife (that was her FIRST thought by the way). Why call and hang up? I do NOT want to have one of their kids answer the phone. Far better to find his wife and her cell # if possible?
You don't want him to know you're trying to contact his wife under any circumstances. He will warn her that a crazy man is going to call. Why did your wife tell him you might call. If one of the kids answered just ask for their mom.
New contacts just in: In answer to my saying that I did not force her to have an affair she says "no but you did force my hand. Gave me an ultimatum. And I made my decision. Maybe we can really talk when you get back. That is if you are still willing. Will talk to you later." Then "How is it counter productive for you to go to a counselor yourself?"
I told her I was always willing to talk but will only do so when the affair is over. Then I asked if she had written him yet to break it off?? Anyone out there???
wow...rough response. "FU, I said I would tonight. Just fcking got back from town. GF is here, so, found a place to live yet?" my response is "no, I believe you will be the one moving out. I did not cheat you did."
I would not answer any text she used disrespectful language. It was a nasty rhetorical question anyway. She didn't think you would be looking for a place to stay while you're away.
Do not ask her if she broke it off again. She said she was going to so u shoulda waited to see if she came thru or not. U just set urself back by doing that. She has to believe that u are done w her. Get it? Don't feed into her bull about u forcing her hand. Tell her "I did not force ur hand. Its hardly an ultimatum to expect faithfulness from ur wife." Then do nooooot text her back since she wants to act high and mighty. Posted via Mobile Device
No, I am definitely letting her sweat it out. She just wrote in response to me telling her she was moving out. Says "No I really don't think so. You were the one who told me you were leaving by January. Wow, guess you really want to work things out huh?" Waiting to send the response "yes I really do."
Wow shes tellin u to FU? Classy broad. Good response fr u when u told her you wouldn't be movin out since uu did nothing wrong. Stooop responding. She has u right where she wants and u r taking the bait if u keep responding to her spew n disrespect. Posted via Mobile Device
At this point you're in a shouting match with her. Not cool. In other words be respectful, act like the adult, let her argue childishly and above all be calm collected and cool. Absolutely cut back on communication. She's fishing and you are biting bigtime.
Noooo do not send that. Do nooooot write her back! She just told u to fck off aand is cheting on u and told u that u should find somewhere to live. Do not respond when she's bein disrespectful! Posted via Mobile Device
Erased above message and did not send. Hers are getting nastier now. "It is obvious that you don't trust me to end things with him. So it is obvious that you won't trust me again. And funny thing is I don't trust myself not to do it again. So don't know what else to say except I have made my decision to separate to figure ME out. But this isn't about what I want or need. It is about you." Then "what u been drinking?"
Erased above message and did not send. Hers are getting nastier now. "It is obvious that you don't trust me to end things with him. So it is obvious that you won't trust me again. And funny thing is I don't trust myself not to do it again.
Okay...did not send the message...would love to get drunk but after her last "what u been drinking" and the fact that I have to be up at 5:30 I think I will pass. But, I will ignore her now.
That's my biggest problem...always want to talk before I think! What will i do when I go home and face her eye to eye without you guys in the room with me? Thanks again for the help...I owe you all a big one.
Start reading, so far you haven't made a lot of mistakes others have.
You really have to convince her you have a lot of options. You also HAVE to not show emotions around her, NONE. She needs to know you will be doing every thing you can to force her out and you will keep custody of kids if she separates or files divorce papers.
She needs to know life is going to be a b!tch without you.
How'd u discover her affair? Is this affair w the same man she has the last affair with? I prob would call his house fr a blocked number and see if his wife answers. How did she meet OM? When u do see her again u need to be cool calm n collected and nooo emotions and maintain ur boundary without backing down at all. Posted via Mobile Device
Dont respond to any of her emotional texts. She's blowing steam right now (and will be for a few days). Let her blow till she runs dry or tired out.
When she starts texting you nicely, think about responding briefly. What you want to do is train her that you will only communicate with her if she's rational.
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