Hopeeternal,
I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said, you've been given great advice by our regulars, jellybeans, chaparral, and others. You've been a beta male, and now you had better become alpha now or your cause is lost. This isn't about winning or losing, or some kind of test of wills with her. This is about saving yourself, and possibly in the future, going into R if that's what you want. But not now.
Your wife is deep in the affair FOG. While she's there, she's literally out of her mind and is currently not the woman you've been married to all these years. She is now someone else. You need to realize this. You also need to realize that for all intents and purposes, your marriage is effectively over right now and she belongs to the OM. There is no way in hell that you can talk some sense into her. You cannot make her love you. You cannot manipulate her. That is the harsh truth. If you ever do reconcile, you must know that will be an entirely new marriage. But right now you have to proceed as though the current marriage is over because of this affair. You have to let her go. If you can't do this, then you will forever be walked on.
With that said, R is always possible, depending on what you consider a deal breaker. DO NOT get into a texting war with her. DO NOT get into a shouting match on the phone or in person with her. Go dark. Do a hard 180. Like others have said, the 180 is for you. It's quite obvious that you have strong codependency tendencies. The 180 is to help you overcome these tendencies. To help you get strong.
Because what she's doing right now is cake eating. She wants the security of marriage (despite what she says), and the freedom to mess around with OM. To her, you are just the provider, the one who pays the bills and watches the kids. You are the beta male. You are in fact, not attractive to her right now, especially since it seems she can manipulate you so easily.
You have to put D on the table. It's either she stops the affair, or it's D. It's as simple as that. Unless you want to live in an open marriage and share her with other men. If that's the case, you will only have to wait a short while until she finds your replacement and runs off with him, while you end up with and incurable STD or worse.
DO NOT move out of the house, she's the one who cheated. Throw her sh!t on the lawn or pack her bags. She should not be welcome in the marital home while she belongs to the OM. Those should be your conditions. These are NOT negotiable.
Another condition should be she also goes NC with her toxic friend. Her toxic friend is most likely enabling and even facilitating the affair. Her toxic friend is no friend of the marriage.
Expose, expose, expose. If you can find out the OMWs info, contact her once you have the proof. Do not expose unless you have proof and do not warn your WW that you will expose the affair. If you do, she will move to protect her OM and warn him. He will then be able to spin the story to his own BW and will paint you as some crazy jealous man out to ruin their marriage. And her first reaction will to believe and protect her husband unless you have that proof.
If you can afford it, hire a PI. That's always the best way if you can afford it. Otherwise you will have to do the PI work yourself, and that means computer monitoring software, phone monitoring software, and VARs. And for goodness sake, DO NOT tell her about this site. I know this is a public site, but waywards seldom go to these sites because they don't want to read things that make them feel guilty or against their affair. Keep this as your safe place for now. I don't know why so many BSs, when they come here, think they can show their WS this site and think they will change their ways if only they read what's here. They won't. They're in the FOG, remember? If you do, they will only find ways to take the affair underground.
DO NOT go to MC either, not right now. MC is useless until the affair is over and both partners are comitted 100% in saving the marriage.
In a nutshell, she goes NC with OM or it's D. That should be non negotiable. And then you will have to verify that she is NC with him after a NC letter is sent with you as a witness. Sounds so far that she won't. Fine. You must lawyer up and start pulling the trigger on D. Remember, D takes a while, and you can put a halt on the process at any time.