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Help and advice needed

38K views 226 replies 18 participants last post by  Chaparral 
#1 ·
My story is so complicated that it could show up in all the topics on this site but since all has come to a head with the discovery of my wife's EA that was headed toward a PA I will share the story here. We have been married 18 years. I raised two of her kids and we have two at home that are ours. Nine years ago we bought a business and I will admit that it became the top priority in my life. We began to argue a lot and I said many mean things to her that were never meant but were said in anger. BUT, I have always been there for her and supported her in the things she wanted. But I guess I was not there for her emotionally...too busy with everything else in life and did not feed our relationship or take care of it enough. I knew we were having marital problems but thought these were NORMAL marital issues. The business has been in trouble for three years now and I finally have let go of trying to make it work. I was ready to start focusing on us again because I felt I finally could when I found out that she had been in a EA since June (I found all this out last week). This past Monday I found that she was planning on meeting him at a hotel. BTW this is the second EA she has had, the first ended some years ago. Now, she has said she has no feelings for me or is not sure if does and that she has feelings for the OP or she thinks she does. She is not sure. I have committed to trying to fix things but she is not sure she can. I really don't know what to do here? Am I just out of luck? Do I wait until she decides whether she wants to be committed to the relationship again? My heart is broken. The one person I ALWAYS thought would be there through thick and thin has betrayed me. Obviously there are more details to our life together than I have outlined and I can explain as this thread grows. I really want our marriage to work out but am I fooling myself here?
Thanks!
 
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#124 ·
Nope, i'd stay dark at this point. Keep her wondering what is up with you. Also, it was mentioned earlier on but you REALLY need to make sure you are separating all the finances.

Put YOUR money into a new account, do not put any money into any joint accounts, close joint accounts if possible. Cancel or place on hold any credit cards she has access to that you can.

She needs a dose or reality to slap her in the face. Let her be playing catch up on all of these as well as protecting yourself from her blowing all your money or putting you on the hook for finances.

Place a key loggers on the home computers as it is likely there is a treasure trove of info being sent from there as well.

It's time for her to feel what single life may be like. The sooner she feel it, the better.

Q~
 
#125 ·
Thanks MrQuatto (great name BTW!). I ignored both text and call. As far as money...I posted this elsewhere but it is very complicated. She owns 50% of our business and will and suck from there if she has to. When I return home I will be opening my own account and TRY to close our joint acct. (difficult in a small town and in a small town bank). I will be cutting her off from all personal bills being paid by the business (BTW, she is 50% owner but has not worked there in two years because it is just too stressful for her...gag...and I LET THAT HAPPEN!...what an idiot). Keyloggers. I have heard of these. have no idea where to get one or what I do with it. Are they free?
 
#132 ·
Going dark is great, but she may not understand what is going on. You might consider telling her your terms to renewed contact plain and simple:

'If you want to begin talking again all you need to do is text me "I'm done with X, and I'm ready to begin working on being your wife again"'.
 
#135 ·
OK. If I get back from work early enough today I will try the landline but I am scared as hell...not that he will answer but that she will. Have been going over what to say to her. How to gently break it to her. "Hi you don't know me but we have something very important in common, namely your husband and my wife." Also, I will send my wife an email today explaining my terms...again. No sleep again last night. My issue now is that if I found out about two As with her how many DON'T I know about in our marriage. I can now see that she has lied to me since before we were married. Of course I told lies too...and lies are lies. My lies were in a category a little less threatening to the marriage ("yes I quit smoking." Did it because she really had and I did not want to tempt her by smoking around her...stupid, yes I admit I am not the brightest bulb). Running over in my head if I can ever trust in her at all, ever again and if this means I can't be married to her anymore. Of course that kind of thinking is cart before the horse stuff because if she won't end the A I won't be married to her much longer anyway.
 
#136 · (Edited)
ok, just sent a slightly modified version of Shaggy's suggestion to her email:
"I know this is frustrating for you too. But if you want to begin talking again all you need to do is text me "I'm done with OM, and I'm ready to begin working on being your wife again." Its that simple. Without that then there is really no reason to begin talking again."

Hope that reads alright? Short, non-confrontational but firm?
 
#139 ·
I have looked at them but not signed up. I need to see if this other place comes through first and if I can get my money back. My Google of them only turned up one negative report. Anyway I know if I could just get the OMWs name I could find her easily. At this point I am not even sure she has his last name.
 
#140 ·
key loggers are programs you can download online that records keystrokes made in the computer. A good way to get chat conversations, passwords, email accounts and some even record the chat from the other side as well.

They do cost money, $60 - $120 depending on what you get.

If she is 50% owner of the co, you will need to speak to a lawyer on how to protect the business from her taking money without your knowledge of it. also need to keep track of what money she does take so it can be deducted from the final settlement if you do go D.

Q~
 
#141 ·
So I was reading the Plan A and Plan B article again. One thing that concerns me is that he says NOT to make selfish demands with a threat of consequences. So is that NOT what I am doing? By saying end the affair or we have nothing more to talk about is that not basically saying "if you don't do X then Y will happen"? I am really starting to get confused here.
 
#142 ·
"To insist that the wayward spouse end the affair should not be made with the threat of punishment ("I'm make you suffer if you don't end it"), but rather with the simple fact that it's the most painful experience you've ever had in your life, and if the affair is not ended, your relationship must end with either a separation or divorce. To end the marital relationship is not punishment: It's to protect your own mental and physical health."

I would leave out the separation part.
 
#145 ·
I think I have name of OMW. Land line only. Hope its the right one. I know I need to do this but why does it feel so wrong? I know when I do this it will destroy their marriage and they also have kids like me. I know if I don't do this my marriage will continue to suffer. My hands are shaking over this!
 
#146 ·
According to other posters it doesn't. Plus as far as you know the affair hasn't been phyisical right?

Generally, what you see here is the other mans wife is already suspicious and is glad for the information so she can nip an EA in the bud.

Be sure to tell her they had planned on meeting however.

Stay strong and be calm. Ask her if other man is her husband and make sure you have the right person.
 
#147 ·
Can't do it! Half way through the number I stopped. Why? I'm thinking in my head "what if she ends it or has already? What good will this do?" And, that "you are about to really hurt someone you don't even know." Damn, what's up with that? Should I wait a few days? I have the opportunity now to call from a strange phone...
 
#148 ·
Both of you will be glad about it eventually. She deserves the truth as much as you do. What she does with it is up to her.

She could suppress it. Things may already be bad in her marriage. More than likely, she already suspects. Think about this as education, not revenge. Don't do it for the wrong reason, and it will be easier.
 
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