My story is so complicated that it could show up in all the topics on this site but since all has come to a head with the discovery of my wife's EA that was headed toward a PA I will share the story here. We have been married 18 years. I raised two of her kids and we have two at home that are ours. Nine years ago we bought a business and I will admit that it became the top priority in my life. We began to argue a lot and I said many mean things to her that were never meant but were said in anger. BUT, I have always been there for her and supported her in the things she wanted. But I guess I was not there for her emotionally...too busy with everything else in life and did not feed our relationship or take care of it enough. I knew we were having marital problems but thought these were NORMAL marital issues. The business has been in trouble for three years now and I finally have let go of trying to make it work. I was ready to start focusing on us again because I felt I finally could when I found out that she had been in a EA since June (I found all this out last week). This past Monday I found that she was planning on meeting him at a hotel. BTW this is the second EA she has had, the first ended some years ago. Now, she has said she has no feelings for me or is not sure if does and that she has feelings for the OP or she thinks she does. She is not sure. I have committed to trying to fix things but she is not sure she can. I really don't know what to do here? Am I just out of luck? Do I wait until she decides whether she wants to be committed to the relationship again? My heart is broken. The one person I ALWAYS thought would be there through thick and thin has betrayed me. Obviously there are more details to our life together than I have outlined and I can explain as this thread grows. I really want our marriage to work out but am I fooling myself here?
Thanks!
Don't laugh at this suggestion, I've had a BS do this once , she hired a bounty hunter to deliver her letter to the OM's wife as a PI was to expensive . What am saying is find a way to get a letter delivered to her in a way that it is not intercepted or as most people have mobiles find her number or Facebook page or even her parents number and address. Posted via Mobile Device
OK...she responded to my email from this morning. I reproduce it in full here. Please read this and then see my questions:
"Ok all I can tell you in response to this email is that I have emailed him and told him I can no longer be in communication with him. But I didn't do it to save our marriage ,I did it for ME because I need some space. Which means, that I need space from you as well. This has nothing to do with me and infidelity. It has to do with me and what I am feeling about myself and about my life. I know you don't understand that but I am being honest with you. And right now, this is as honest as I can get. I have a billion questions and stuff going on in my head right now dealing with life, love and my own concepts of what those mean to me. In this area, you cannot help me figure those out. I have to do it on my own. XXX could have been anyone. And just because I had feelings for him doesn't mean that it was love, which is another question I ahve. Maybe it was infatuation or the idea of love or whatever. But it doesn't matter. All I know is, I cannot figure this out with you giving me these ultimatums. I need to have space. I have made an appt with a counselor for ME on nov 8. I hope that I don't hear any more nasty words and name calling from you because frankly, it is only backing me into a corner. And when an animal is cornered they fight and that is how I am feeling right now. If you need to leave me because I am a "cheater" than please feel free to do so. I cannot, and will not respond and come running to you through threats, ultimatums or name calling. You are pushing me farther away.
So not sure where this leaves you. But it leaves me to say, again, that I need space from you and time. Kind of like I am so close to the situation that I cannot see the forest for the trees. Sort of like trying to get you to go on a trip to get away from the business for a while to give you a better view of the whole thing and not just the smallest part.
At this point in time if you still feel there is no reason to begin talking, then I understand. Just know that I am not ready to work on anything right now, except myself. It is what I have been saying all along but again, I am not sure you are really hearing me."
And here are my questions:
Do I now need to say that I need a copy of the email and his address so I can verify? I suspect that it was never sent and that this "space" she needs is just a way of getting away from me so she can go on with the A. Do I ask who the therapist is and confirm? Is any of this worth it because she feels no remorse and is "not doing it to save our marriage"? Good GOD! This is all too much for me to handle...
She is trying to manipulate you , go hard 180 on her , make sure you take the OM out as I an sure her NC letter is nowhere what a NC letter should be . I have not read your full thread , do her parents know of her adultery if not call them and ask for help in saving your marriage.
She is not seeking space she is working on a reason and way to leave you and be with the OM . Her words are classic garbage spewed from waywards , she either commits or she does not , she is looking for an angle and time to create a plan. Take that away from her and ensure you move all monies out of her reach.
A hard 180 is tough but you have to do his for your own sanity . Posted via Mobile Device
I'd say give her the space, BUT make sure you contact OMW ASAP to prevent them from using the freedom to continue the affair.
The absurd thing she would understand is that it is entirely her putting her emotional energy into to relationship with the OM which is killing her desire to be with you. Yes, it could have been anyone, since a third person in a marriage kills the marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks Eli-Zor, no one else knows except her toxic GF. I have tried to write my sister about this but stopped. I just a few minutes ago HAD to tell a fellow band member (not the details) because this will effect our gig schedule (this is one of my hobbies and I don't want to give it up for this mess, but will if I need to). Frankly her response has left me entirely cold. I FEEL like saying "I am glad you sent the letter and I am glad you are going to work on yourself, my attorney will be in contact." BUT I CAN'T. I love this woman too much...even after all of this. Please understand that she is not an evil person. She makes terrible decisions though.
I may have to get a PI to find the OMW...no luck on Inet. I really can't afford it but I will try. I will invest in a key logger and VAR. What I really need is to get to her phone but she guards it like a hawk. AND, even tho she says she emailed him, she has not said I can have full access to these things. I am really crashing hard here folks...looks to me like this thing is over...
Your wife, to put it simply, is full of ****. She loves this little amorphous type of communication , filled with BS lingo about 'needing space" and finding herself etc.
My firs wife a serially chaeting , magn cum law school grad , abo****ely loved alll this type of gibberish?new- age-ish hogwash. The problem with people that love this type of gibberish, is that , in general,they are too stupid to even be embarrassed by spewing it.
Try this as a response:
" I agree. I need space to see if we have "connection" and to find my true life's purpose. My spirit mourns the loss of myself and yearns for greater enlightenment such that our souls can be free to roam with the Spirit Gods and and blah, f-ing blah.
What is with these morons? Have they no shame? Are they just that dim that they cannot see how they come off.
I always felt that even if my XW had remorse, I could never go back to her, as was just so embarrassed by her stupidity. What would i tell my sisters and brothers "Now, we have connection and her soul is at peace"? How'd you like someone like that on your arm?
The problem you have is you are in denial of how bad this is going to get unless you take control, as it is she is telling you what is going to happen because she knows you won't do anything about it.
Call your wife's parents and them about her adultery, next get onto Facebook and find this OM or his wife or childens pages , this will enable you to create a contact list . You can get hold of his parents details by paying for the information.
Agreed all...agreed. I can't get them from FB because they are not on FB. Background check i did of OM and OMW may not even be the right people. Her parents may be a good contact but she is closer to her brother. I think he will be my first contact. I will keep calling the number I suspect is OM/OMW home phone until i am satisfied that it is/is not them. What about contacting OM via text? I have THAT number of course. Is there some way to use it? Yes, she can have all the f@#king space she needs, but it will be on my terms or we are done. First, she moves out. Second, she gets a f%$king job and supports herself because she will be cut off from our funds (although there is that 50% ownership issue). Finally, she needs to understand that I am not going to be in limbo forever over this. I mean really? Really? I need to contact her xH to see what they REALLY went through leading up to their D (he and I actually get along ok). I have already asked my step-sons to contact me. Its the younger boys I am worried about. Folks, between my serious business troubles and this i am REALLY at my wits end. She clearly no longer loves me and in her "fog" she can't even admit that. I am not hanging around until she wakes up and either a) decides her life sucks and she wants to come back on her terms or b)wakes up and decides she can't be married to me. I am way to close to this BUT I am on the edge of pulling the pin all together here. Sad really...but I must survive and I must protect my kids. This may NOT be about the A...in fact it may really BE about her...just as bad in my opinion...
It is about her. Only a truly bad person could act as she is acting. It is that simple, IMO. There are some bad folks out there. You need to tell your kids about what she is doing, as well as anyone else you feel like telling. These MF's deserve outing.
Don't contact the OM , contact her brother and parents , be calm , mention the word affair and the OM's name. You can do this within the hour.
Cancel the credit cards and move all the monies fast .
Yes , do get a lawyer and prepare for legal separation, she has no access to your funds nor do you move out , she leaves or she stays only if she works on the marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks almostrecovered. She and I have a mutual friend who is a lawyer (not the right kind) and he can recommend one to me. This also let's him know what is going on.
Take each step in it's turn , first expose to her family , lock down the finances so she does not ratchet up huge debts , contact the OM's wife and expose him.
Be calm and composed , I know is tough once you start taking tangible measures you will start thinking clearly . Posted via Mobile Device
I am planning on a reply to her email tomorrow morning. I think I simply need to ask, nicely, if she will share the email to the OM with me (which I am sure she won't) and that I agree that she needs space. In order for her to do that I will suggest that she move out and that I will contact a lawyer about legal separation. I have sent her sister and mother messages on FB to please call me about something important but have no idea how long that will take as they don't do FB very much. I'm a wreck. I feel like drinking (more) but have decided that I will watch some scary movie on T.V. or something. I do NOT have to tell you how much pain I am feeling now...you have all been there. I DO have to tell you how grateful I am to all of you for help and advice so far.
Have also contacted our lawyer friend and another mutual friend. Have never been in so much pain...is this "normal"? Sick, dizzy, feel like screaming/crying/screaming/crying. Possibly the WORST Haloween ever...and i LOVE this Holiday. Missing my kids. I gotta go for a while now...can't see the d$#ned key board threw tears...
She's not going to give up OM's email to you. So u can ask for it but I doubt u will be successful. Can you just call her mom and sis directly? Say "I wanna discuss something w you...Wife is having an affair with- who is married w children" then tell them how u know about the affair...tht she admitted it and how long u believe its been going on Posted via Mobile Device
Damn her! First sends me a txt "You coming home tomorrow?" I ignore it. Then "At McDonalds, getting ready to Trick or Treat." Then she sends me a pic of my youngest in his costume. She KNOWS where to hit me eh? I am ALWAYS there to do Haloween with the kids...had to work this year. Now she is rubbing my face in it...like I am the one abononing my family....Damn...tears won't stop....
Lawyer friend gave a list of people he recommends. he says that legal separation is as expensive as D so we may as well divide the sh#t now and be done with it. Meeting him later this week for a beer. Someone here said that she has been abusing me. The pic of my kid in the costume proves that. BUT I WILL NOT let her use my kids as pawns.
Its no time to panic. Yes she's being a little sh!t but you have just begun following very good advice....... well, except for outing the POSOM. The bad thing about that is, that it is your major weapon.
She's still acting like she has you by the b@lls and that you will be moving out.
You're going home tommorow,see your kids and if she offers to help you pack etc., your going to laugh in her face and that's the only emotion you're going to show her. That definitely doesn't mean your going to whine, beg, b!tch, yell, etc. You're going to stand up straight, be a man and hold to your boundaries. If your going to lose it go to another room or make yourself scarce until you are back under control.
Yes, its a roller coaster but it won't kill you. One way or the other you will come out stronger and better than before.
Most likely, when you out the OM it will keep her from using her "space" for hooking up with him. Since that's what space is usually needed for.
When she talks about going to a counselor tell her you're looking for one too, and mean it.
She calls and texts a lot for someone who needs her space. Sounds kind of insecure about something. :scratchhead:
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