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Help and advice needed

38K views 226 replies 18 participants last post by  Chaparral 
#1 ·
My story is so complicated that it could show up in all the topics on this site but since all has come to a head with the discovery of my wife's EA that was headed toward a PA I will share the story here. We have been married 18 years. I raised two of her kids and we have two at home that are ours. Nine years ago we bought a business and I will admit that it became the top priority in my life. We began to argue a lot and I said many mean things to her that were never meant but were said in anger. BUT, I have always been there for her and supported her in the things she wanted. But I guess I was not there for her emotionally...too busy with everything else in life and did not feed our relationship or take care of it enough. I knew we were having marital problems but thought these were NORMAL marital issues. The business has been in trouble for three years now and I finally have let go of trying to make it work. I was ready to start focusing on us again because I felt I finally could when I found out that she had been in a EA since June (I found all this out last week). This past Monday I found that she was planning on meeting him at a hotel. BTW this is the second EA she has had, the first ended some years ago. Now, she has said she has no feelings for me or is not sure if does and that she has feelings for the OP or she thinks she does. She is not sure. I have committed to trying to fix things but she is not sure she can. I really don't know what to do here? Am I just out of luck? Do I wait until she decides whether she wants to be committed to the relationship again? My heart is broken. The one person I ALWAYS thought would be there through thick and thin has betrayed me. Obviously there are more details to our life together than I have outlined and I can explain as this thread grows. I really want our marriage to work out but am I fooling myself here?
Thanks!
 
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#184 ·
You have explained to her your position. Now she will test you to see if you will flinch.

Stick to your lines: I love you, I want to rebuild the marriage and family, and when the OM is gone we can do that together. I'm not Playing games, I am not flip flopping. I will be here when you are ready.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#186 ·
OK...what I want to say follows. Please edit/comment before i send in the morning:

"XXX, I am glad to hear that you emailed OM. In order to be certain I would ask that you forward that email to me. I would like his email address so I can confirm that he received it. You say that this is not about infidelity. That may be true but the infidelity must be dealt with first before we go forward. I really want to work on our marriage. I understand that you need your space and am glad you will be seeing a councilor. I too will be seeing a councilor to start working out my own personal issues. I would very much like it if we could see a marriage councilor. I have to KNOW that the A is over though. Sorry but my trust is a bit out of whack lately. I agree that we should separate for a while. I have been in contact with an attorney to see what my best options are and they have referred me to a specialist. I still need to have absolute access to your email and phone, and Facebook. You can have mine too. This is the only way we can begin to build trust again."

Please let me know what you think. Too wimpy?
 
#192 ·
Bro, I know this is confusing as hell and you are not fully functional. But ,seriously. prefacing your message with "I know this is frustrating for you, too"... Please, this woman does not give a flying F about you,at least for now.
Sure, she is frustrated, frustrated that she cannot F this guy and have you subsidize it.
Your wife is acting like a diordered NPD(redudant, I know). She may well be one. And, the worst thing you can do to an NPD is to ignore her. So, ignore her. You cannot "nice" her out of this. You cannot appeal to reason. She is chasing strnge **** and she is salivating for it. The only way to deal with her is to ignore her attacks and just expose the hell out of this whole mess. And, I mean tell the kids and all family.
 
#194 ·
I wish somone had slapped me when I acted like this, however briefly.
Look, hurt. Whatever comes of this(and it is mostly out of your control), you do not want to look back and have regrets that you acted like a doormat.
Your wife is abusing you. And you are concerned that this is"frustrating" for her. Man, F that.
Ypu need not become an abusive jerk. She would love that, as she could point to it and claim you were aways like this (see fundamental attribution error in the psych books).But, you need to see what she is doing and how corrupt she is. And, there is no reason not to let others know.
I will give you a tip on how to disclose to folks other than immediate family(with them you can be direct).
Many tangential aquaintences will be put off by the direct approach, feeling that you are being way too forthcoming. So, here is how you handle this, so as to gain credibility and so as not to look vindictive:
Folks will approach you, and inquire how things are going/ Particularly when word gets out re the divorce, they inquire how are you doing, etc.
Work disclosure of the affair into normal conversation, feigning as if you qare under the impression that they already knew about it and that it is common knowledge.
A response to an inquiry about your well being can be something like this: "Oh, not too bad. The affair , of course, threw us all for a pretty big loop. But, the kids and I are doing better, now."

Affair? What affair?
" Oh, I thought you knew, like every one else. Well.hush my mouth"
So, the disclosure is made and looks unintentional.You do not look vindictive. And, there is the allusion to it being common knowledge, which helps with your credibility.
This is all for later, of course, when you are combatting the smear campaign your wife will launch.
 
#195 ·
Shaggy already said it best, HE: "I love you, I want to rebuild the marriage and family, and when the OM is gone we can do that together. I'm not Playing games, I am not flip flopping. I will be here when you are ready."

Thats the ONLY effective message you can send her at this point. The rest, needs to be dealt with in-person.
 
#196 ·
HE: Part of the reason why you are here (other than your wife cheating) is because the most important conversations with your spouse need to be face-to-face with everything out on the table (true intimacy) - too often we get caught up doing what's easiest - texting, e-mailing, etc.

At this point, you can't believe almost anything she says, unless it is re-inforced by her actions. Actions are everything now. This can only be observed in-person.
 
#198 ·
This all makes sense folks. Maybe part of my pain is that I am seeing things clearly for the first time in a long time. As I was laying in bed thinking about this stuff at three this morning I realized that I have been a doormat for our entire marriage. In fact the times when I stood up decided NOT to be a doormat that is when we fought. Maybe this is also the reason I almost stopped being intimate with her over the years and why we have been so distant. In a passive-aggressive way I was not willing to be the doormat.

Anyway, I am not going to write her. Will see her today. I want to see the email to the OM in her sent box or we cannot even start talking. I am going to tell that I have contacted an attorney who referred me to a specialist. Not for D but for options. I am also going to let her know what is going to happen financially...a separation and even a D is going to bankrupt us (not kidding here in any way) because the company has no more money coming in. I am in fact going to have to lay off my entire staff, do the little work there is myself so I can generate SOME income. That will only last until about Christmas. She is 50% owner but does not want to hear the bad news about the company "because it upsets her too much." Just like our marriage...wants the benefits but won't do any of the work. Really, from a money point of view this junk with her could not have happened at a worse time. But it is what it is.
 
#199 ·
Unfortunately, I'm in the construction business. This winter looks especially daunting. For many businesses this economy has been a major/fatal blow with no end in sight. However you have to keep going and plodding along the best you can.

Work hard on your marriage/family/job and know however things turn out you have done your best. Be calm, strong and dependable. It's time to be the rock your family is anchored on.
You have gotten a lot of good advice but remember there is no telling how things are going to go. So be able to stop and think. DO NOT ARGUE with her. Be cool. You have to have your boundaries.

When she sent the text she should have sent CC or BC to you. So I doubt she sent it at all. So be ready for that. Don't flip, just say something like that's exactly what you expected at this point.

Under no circumstances let her leave and take the kids either. If she wants to separate let her go by herself.
 
#200 ·
Thanks Chapparal. I am in archaeological consulting so winter is always hard anyway. The business is a whole other kettle of fish. The stress of trying to save it for the past three-going-on four years has been hard enough. Now this on top of it. Another example of little she cares for me, us, kids. No respect. I know there will be an end to both these situations and hopefully something good can come of it all. I am not there yet. Can't see it. I am still in the trenches...not fighting but covering my head. Self preservation first. I will stick to the 180 (although I have to keep re-reading it LOL!) and I will not argue with her. THAT is hard because she can manipulate me so easily into an argument that we are in one before I know it is happening...so, short well thought out responses. No, I am certain that she did NOT send any such email. And indeed my very response is the one you mention.

I will let everyone know what happens when I see her today. I am sure there will be a storm of emotion by the time I get back here so...sorry in advance.
 
#205 ·
She is only going to hear your talk about bankruptcy and layoffs etc, as threats from you. They won't help anything.

Since she isn't working at R, or even fully ending the affair, she will not give you access to her email. Don't waste your breath asking for them.

She might how you the email. If it exists.

I think you really need to go the keylogger and VAR in her car route until she is seeking R.

In conversation, Just stick to your terms like I said before. This keeps things simple and focused on the immediate issue. The need to end the A. It lets her know that the door to you is open, and the one thing she must do to open it. No complicating other issues or threats at this time.

Mean while using the keylogger and VAR you are seeking to find out what she is doing, and with a PI you are locating the OMW.
You also will see the attorney, but you won't bring it up, and you won't threaten with it. If in time you give up the hope for her, then you just give her the papers. No warning, no threats, no drama.

A do not let her add any drama. When she does, tell your terms again in a calm voice and walk away.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#207 ·
I am home now. She just got back from somewhere (?) no talking. I said Hi whats up and she said not much. She then went silent and the look on her face is one of anger. Came home early in case she wanted to talk without kids present...guess not. Now in the other room on her computer. Had a long talk with her mom today and it was actually encouraging.
 
#210 ·
No keylogger yet. If she moves out for separation it won't help anyway. Spoke with my attorney friend who gave me references. Have not been back home from the business trip long enough to much more. Did have a long talk with wife's sister too. I got a lot of "is she out of her fricking mind?" So that was fine. I am not sure what she is doing on the computer...don't think talking to OM though...looking for places to live? Looking for her own atty?
 
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