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Help and advice needed

38K views 226 replies 18 participants last post by  Chaparral 
#1 ·
My story is so complicated that it could show up in all the topics on this site but since all has come to a head with the discovery of my wife's EA that was headed toward a PA I will share the story here. We have been married 18 years. I raised two of her kids and we have two at home that are ours. Nine years ago we bought a business and I will admit that it became the top priority in my life. We began to argue a lot and I said many mean things to her that were never meant but were said in anger. BUT, I have always been there for her and supported her in the things she wanted. But I guess I was not there for her emotionally...too busy with everything else in life and did not feed our relationship or take care of it enough. I knew we were having marital problems but thought these were NORMAL marital issues. The business has been in trouble for three years now and I finally have let go of trying to make it work. I was ready to start focusing on us again because I felt I finally could when I found out that she had been in a EA since June (I found all this out last week). This past Monday I found that she was planning on meeting him at a hotel. BTW this is the second EA she has had, the first ended some years ago. Now, she has said she has no feelings for me or is not sure if does and that she has feelings for the OP or she thinks she does. She is not sure. I have committed to trying to fix things but she is not sure she can. I really don't know what to do here? Am I just out of luck? Do I wait until she decides whether she wants to be committed to the relationship again? My heart is broken. The one person I ALWAYS thought would be there through thick and thin has betrayed me. Obviously there are more details to our life together than I have outlined and I can explain as this thread grows. I really want our marriage to work out but am I fooling myself here?
Thanks!
 
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#223 ·
Unfortunately cb45 its my drama. Chapparal, her mom says that she spoke with her a couple of days ago after not hearing from her in several weeks. Told mom things were bad between us but that she does not want D. Also told mom that she has appt. to see counselor. Did not tell her about the EA. Not surprising about that. I told her mom that I own 50% of the marriage problems and that I will seek a counselor also. Mom says I should make an appt. for a MC as well, not even tell my wife about it and then just say we are going to this appt. Mom thinks wife would be impressed. I told mom that I was willing to do that but that I had to see the NC letter first and that it needed to be in the email sent box. She said she understood that for sure. I suspect that when I got off the phone mom called wife immediately. Wife's sister also called me but discussion was brief as I was picking kids up from school. Same story...sister was pretty shocked. I said we could talk more about it later. Don't think sister has called my wife yet. I have also notified several of our mutual friends that we are likely separating. Next is the lawyer and also the business lawyer. Will be a busy few days. Wife has still not returned from "town." I have not texted her. 180 says to basically act like you don't care...so that is what I am doing. I was pleasant and cheerful with the kids even while she was here. Cooked them dinner, which is what I usually do. That is when she took off. Maybe the message is getting through?
 
#224 ·
Positive Steps Today For ME: Called a lawyer and meet later this morning. Called a councilor for a meeting (not till the 10th though!). Contacted the business lawyer to let them know what is going on and see what can be done. Now, do I take Mother-in-law's advice and set up with an MC and just tell my wife we are going? Still no access to phone, email etc. and have no clue if the NC email she claims she wrote is real. Really don't want to go to the MC until that wedge is cleared BUT maybe it would be recommended by the MC?? She might listen??
 
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