Sure, it's the internet. Suspect it if that's what you want to do. NotLikeYou, feel free to avoid my thread if it bothers you enough to post on it.
Facebook is done. Emails are done. The only active account I have is the one I use for work purposes. It's my main account for recruiters, headhunters, and consulting work. Shutting it down right now, or back when this originally started mid/late Dec would be and still is disasterous to my being able to work with these people and find a new job. Same with my tel#. Should I have my family and friends and managers all change their email addresses too?
When I post about this stuff, it's because family and friends were emailed by him and they forwarded it to us. Meanwhile, this most recent was my work email that I am not going to shut down. At a certain point, were I to want to go to the FBI for example, my best chance of "catching" him is to give him rope to hang himself and shutting accounts down seems a bit counter to that no? My wife has agreed to a post-nup conditioned on her continuing treatment and avoidance of relapse and... on that point, this MOFO is my best shot at catching her if she relapses and returns to him. I'm not shutting them down. I'm not going off the grid.
Yes, it keeps getting bad and that's partly because Dday #2 was 12/9 just barely 2 months ago. Looking at this thread it's hard for me to remember that some of this stuff is pretty fresh. My wife's last bad relapse was 1/9, just a month ago. If there weren't kids involved, I'd be gone and off the grid.
I could understand if you talked to the FBI andthey told you there was nothing they could do. However I'm guessing he has commited various felonies and they could/would do something.
NotLikeYou, feel free to avoid my thread if it bothers you enough to post on it.
Bother me? Man, since Clairebear/Cantbeleve got banned, your thread is the most, uh, hmm, what's the right word that won't get me banned.... ah, yes. INTRIGUING.
It's a vanishingly rare man who could write about the trials and tribulations you chronicle going through, and every time you come up with another installment, well, I confess to a morbid fascination with reading about your latest humiliation.
I know its good manners to be polite and supportive on the site. So let me just say that whether you're a troll or not, I pity you.
So keep your little chin up, and don't get all pissy at your entertained readership- you should save that anger for your wife, if she really exists.
__________________
I'm 38, male. Married 8 years. She's 31 and spent 2011 falling to pieces and seeking solace with others... DDay #1 9/25/11, DDay #2 12/9/11. We have 2 daughters - 6 and 10.
Wife is halfway through her "90 in 90" and her therapist spoke with me recently about what he feels is sincere and strong progress. Things appear to have calmed down a bit, which is nice, but obviously we have good and bad days... her too.
We had snow here today and with the kids being off school, it's made for a fun day. Wife is at work and I'm just exhausted. It'd be awesome to have a few weeks off to check out and zone out.
Job search is moving slowly and I need to accelerate it and get a lot more serious but for now things seem pretty stable and about as normal as they can get.
Some of the questions that are becoming more important are things like these:
- Given what her affairs suggest about her needs in a stable and exclusive relationship, am I going to be able to meet those needs? She has said that she feels like she was a different person last year and that I was already meeting her needs and has no doubt that after we put some time and space between her affairs and her therapy/IC work has more time show consistency that we'll be fine if not better than ever. She doesn't feel her affairs suggested needs but I suppose only time will tell.
- Do I even really want to reconcile? I don't know that I have a whole lot of desire and will to actually reconcile and there are still a lot of things going on. Some days I do, other days I don't. We'll have a postnup done very soon and while that will help me a lot, having an option like that in a marriage can't be a good thing. The postnup basically gives me total custody of the kids if she relapses. I left it silent for normal divorce should she want to go that route... after all, I can't force her to stay with me; that'd be stupid. And inasmuch as it's mutual, I can see a scenario where she doesn't relapse but does realize she doesn't want to be married.
So, some of the big issues going back to the beginning of this thread. I'll share the issue and her current response now 6 months or so later.
- Is my wife an in-closet lesbian or bisexual, and is this something she needs for sexual fulfillment? This comes about because of her 2nd affair with a 19 year old bisexual girl that last about 2 months. My wife's original response to this for months was that "having done it, I know I am not attracted to females, at all". Since therapy and 12 step work, her response is now, "The 1st affair was becoming way too intense and things with our marriage were so bad. I needed a way out of the 1st affair and she was smooth and accomodating where the 1st affair partner was rough and demanding. I was looking for an escape and knew that I would never be able to hide an affair with a male lover from you... she was at my work and interested and I thought I could escape from the 1st affair with her and hide it from you better. It made sense at the time but now I can see that I was going to extreme lengths to continue to hide things from you. I'm sorry."
- Is serial cheater? After all, how many affairs does someone have to have before it's serial... her original answer was that she wasn't because to be a serial cheater you have to have multiple affairs spaced out over years, as a pattern. So I asked her if I was going to have to wait around for the pattern to have a 3rd affair. Her current answer is that "Now that I've seen how much I've not only hurt you and those I love and care about, I will never ever do something like this again. I get sick when I think about how this has all occured, come to light, and while I wish I had been strong enough to NOT even get involved in this stuff, I wish I had been strong enough to come to you for help. I swear this will never ever happen again."
- BDSM/enslavement thing is an issue? I can't quite tell on this and depending on when or how it comes up, she can't seem to quite tell for sure either. Her sponsor in the 12 step said it's quite common for addicts to end up in bdsm type situations because the relinquishing of control helps them rationalize the wrongness of what they're doing. On the other hand, my wife says that she felt this guy knew exactly what he was doing and took advantage of her in a way that almost made her feel taken advantage of when she looks back at it. That doesn't make sense to me, but okay. She also says that because it was online, she never imagined that anyone would ever find out about any of it and to her it was just a role playing thing that wasn't serious to her the way it was to him... She says she realizes now that it wasn't just role playing but obviously there are some unresolved questions here.
As for me, she feels that during our entire 9 year relationship, I have done a great job including her in major decisions but that for a lot of the tiny day to day things, I didn't and it made her feel like she had to continually put things off and bite her tongue. We're using stopping at 7-11 as an example here because I'm still a bit fuzzy on what she's actually trying to describe. Driving somewhere and there's a 7-11, if I wanted to stop we would. If I were driving and she wanted to stop, I'd have some reason why we couldn't. Small stuff like this spread out every day for years, she feels it built up resentment and anger like somehow her opinions didn't matter as much as mine. She has said that in and of itself, this doesn't matter and certainly doesn't justify her actions but that once she was in the affairs, things like this magnified other issues and became justifications for continuing to demonize me. Is she right? I don't remember ever not stopping at 7-11 or not taking her seriously... I remember a lot of times when she wanted to stop at 7-11 (continuing the example) after we had already passed it and going back would be a 15 minute adventure in traffic, or wanting to go when we were already late to be somewhere. Can I do better at this? Absolutely. Is it a reason? No.
For my part. I'm stuck in comparing myself to her lovers. Time passes and I think I'm doing better and then some trigger hits me and I'm right back there.
__________________
I'm 38, male. Married 8 years. She's 31 and spent 2011 falling to pieces and seeking solace with others... DDay #1 9/25/11, DDay #2 12/9/11. We have 2 daughters - 6 and 10.
Last edited by Tover26; 02-20-2012 at 04:37 PM.
Reason: Format last question
If I were you I would spend some of my off time researching ways to track POSOM. I was thinking about him and his nine aliases and I think "he" might be a group of people. I also think he/they could be dangerous. Especially since you don't know where he is.
What about the lapses in her stories? I'm seriously thinking that she was lent to some other BDSM freaks by the POSOM.(This seems to be common theme in BDSM, lending your slave to other people). She knows that you will leave once this comes out. So she will never confess if it did occur.
What about the lapses in her stories? I'm seriously thinking that she was lent to some other BDSM freaks by the POSOM.(This seems to be common theme in BDSM, lending your slave to other people). She knows that you will leave once this comes out. So she will never confess if it did occur.
Actually it is not common at all in BDSM. Usually in that type of relationship there is a strong bond between the D and the s. Lending out does not enter into it. However, given that this doesn't seem to be the typical BDSM scenario there is no way to tell what really occurred other than what Tover already knows and what his wife has admitted. Also, the so called "master" certainly doesn't seem to be the real deal in the way he has behaved since this all went down. I really think he's just some punk who managed to convince her to do some really wild and damaging things.
Make sure you take your time and try to relax as much as possible. You're still coming to grips with everything and eventually things will become clearer the further out from D-day you are. I'm glad to hear things are settling down. If you do R you make sure to explain what you need to make you comfortable in the relationship. It sounds like your wife is at least trying. I really am pulling for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Yeah, there are a lot of lapses in her story still. But I don't think she was lent out... maybe tested by having anonymous sex with pre-arranged strangers or something, but at a certain point I suppose I'm either coming to terms with or rugsweeping this question mark until I have proof.
Speaking of which, I got to see the first draft of the postnup today. Apparently a postnup can't dictate visitation rights, but the rest of it looks right. I've sent it back for some modifications but once I have that if this anonymous or "lending out" thing ever comes to light then the divorce is pre-arranged. It removes a large part of the issues for me around this question mark. To Beowulf's point, I think the internet has catered to a brand of fetish for public humiliation or sexual misbehavior that I sincerely doubt the bdsm community (whatever it is) feels good about. In looking at it for my own understanding, I see a fine line between kink and crazy fetish... and while there is some overlap, the parts I don't see occuring are D+Ss going out and actually doing this type of stuff. Think about it. In many places it's illegal. Most people have lines they will not cross and, even if assuming permission and consensuality, word would get out and those people would really struggle in their own community. I do beleive it happens for commercial exploitation, but real people? Shrugs, damned if I know. I've listened to some of the 12 step meetings and have yet to hear of a single person with issues like that... one night stands, yes. Lots of ONS... yes. My wife was petrified of my finding out and so I think this may have been a line she could not have crossed while still pretending she was a good wife and mother. If she is still lying to me, the postnup addresses it to my satisfaction.
Yeah, I need to destress, a lot. Slurpee! LOL. I've taken up archery and have about 10 major home improvement projects to fill my weekends and days off. Had an EEG today after a fitful night of epilepsy issues. I'll be glad to see a new baseline emerge with this higher dose I'm on now. It's helped but makes me very sleepy all the time.
__________________
I'm 38, male. Married 8 years. She's 31 and spent 2011 falling to pieces and seeking solace with others... DDay #1 9/25/11, DDay #2 12/9/11. We have 2 daughters - 6 and 10.
Postnup is done and signed off by wife. Divorce conditions are set for relapse. She'll be strongly encouraged to conduct herself with honor. For any of you not familiar with postnups... it's like a prenup in that it sets division of assets, who gets what in a divorce, and conditions under which it applies. It cost $500 to do and took about 4 weeks...?
Conditions are:
- IF proof of other affairs surface...
- IF she relapses into new affairs or revisits former lovers...
- IF it turns out that she sexually exploited the children...
- IF she relapses to illegal drugs...
For obvious reasons you can't require fidelity or a happy marriage. If she gets unhappy and wants to leave, she'll have to do a normal divorce BEFORE any extramarital activities commence. You also can't set visitations, custody, guardianship, etc. That gets determined by the court, but given the conditions here... I don't think it'd be hard for me to lean on past history, the postnup, and her relapse to gain total custody.
Time to get serious about reconciliation I guess. I feel like maybe things are starting to move in a direction I can at least understand and come to terms with. Yes, there are still lapses in the story. Yes, things are still weird. At least the journey can begin Mr. Baggins.
__________________
I'm 38, male. Married 8 years. She's 31 and spent 2011 falling to pieces and seeking solace with others... DDay #1 9/25/11, DDay #2 12/9/11. We have 2 daughters - 6 and 10.
Your legal boundaries are set. Now comes the full transparency on her part and the verifying on your part. The hard part begins.
And the biggest question of them all is will you be able to move on this enough to committ to the marriage even if she pulls out all the stops to save it. Don't be afraid to admit this could be a dealbreaker if it comes down to it. R isn't for everyone. Again, good luck and keep us posted.
90Likes
Re: Lesbian/Bi/Serial... oh my 
