Keylogger, yres. Why? Because WW lie, and you must use what tools are available to find the truth.
Do I believe in forever having a keylogger, nope. However that's an after the cheating is fully ended and verified. You are not there yet. So the keylogger is an essential too in the investigation right noe. Posted via Mobile Device
Okay, humor me... I've mentioned the polygraph and she had a "bring it on" mentality. What questions?
1. Did you want your affairs to end your marriage?
2. How many people were you involved with sexually in 2011?
3. How many affairs did you have before 2011?
4. Have you continued to have contact with any of your lovers?
5. Did you use any recreational drugs besides alcohol during your affiars?
6. Are you sexually attracted to women?
7. Are you sexually attracted to your husband?
8. You told your female lover about another male lover, that his name is Thomas. Did you have an affair with Thomas?
9. You told your female lover about having been with many other lesbians during and prior to marrying. How many? Besides Ally, when was the most recent one?
10. Are there more lies you have not yet told your husband about?
...fill in the gaps with me crew. I don't know how these work, but I'd love to have a good questionairre built up.
"Do you want" questions will be useless on a polygraph. The questions need to be about facts. "Are you sexually attracted" ? This isn't magic. Stick to hard facts.
"Did you have an affair with another man during your marriage"
Things like that. But honestly, it sounds like your wife may be a sociopath or a Borderline, and if so, she can probably beat a polygraph.
__________________
I used to be h.u.r.t.h.u.s.b., but I am instead a person who has many roles, not just a cuckolded man.
WW Affair began: 12/31/2010
DDay: 7/24/2011
Divorce or Reconciliation? Stay tuned..
"Do you want" questions will be useless on a polygraph. The questions need to be about facts. "Are you sexually attracted" ? This isn't magic. Stick to hard facts.
"Did you have an affair with another man during your marriage"
Things like that. But honestly, it sounds like your wife may be a sociopath or a Borderline, and if so, she can probably beat a polygraph.
If she agrees to take a poly that says a lot. Isn't it unlikely she would know she could beat a poly test? Just saying.
Okay, so for fun, I asked her what the questions would be for the 3 allowed in the $700 polygraph that she would most want to be questioned about... they were:
1. How many people have you had sexual contact with since meeting your husband?
2. Are you a lesbian?
3. Are you a bisexual?
So, I asked her how she'd answer these questions.
1. None. Bzzzz, wrong. She had contact with at least me.
2. No. Bzzzz, wrong. It's an opinion question.
3. No. Bzzzz, wrong, opinion question again.
Wasted $700 if it went that way. So I told her my 3.
1. Have you had sexual contact with anyone besides your husband and female lover?
2. Are you still lying or hiding truth from your husband?
3. Are you capable of of a long term committed and exclusive relationship?
She had to think long and hard before answering these after an inital blurting out of 1 - No, 2 - No, and 3 - Yes. But she seems to be trying and I give her credit for that. The core thing to address seems to be the Why... she can talk and talk about everything except Why. I'm sure you've all experienced this as well.
Meanwhile, my health is getting worse. Yay. How can we reconcile when things with work, my health, our finances, everything just keep getting worse and worse? I feel like the one thing I need most is time right now and everything seems to be consipiring to take it away. I just want to curl up and sleep (but can't) and zone out for a few days (but can't).
Anyone experiencing Hope out there? I'm coming to realize that the story of Pandora's Box is actually an affair recovery story... all the horrible/terrible things come pouring out and when the world is about to die, divine intervention allows one small emotion of Hope to escape and light the darkness.
It occurs to me that perhaps a better way to address the difference between what she chatted about on FB vs what she's telling me:
- I love you OW and want to be with you etc.
- "It was all a lie. I was breaking up with her and didn't want her to get all weird about it. So I was distancing myself and taking it by degrees."
Would be to have this be one of the polygraph questions... - On 9/18, you had a FB chat with your lover about 1) other affair relationships, 2) plans to leave your husband and be with her, and 3) that your attempt to reconcile was a "pathetic last ditch effort to save your dysfunctional little family". Were you lying to her?
It seems that this 1 question resolves a lot of the core issues.
As for the polygraph, get the facts from your W first, and challenge them with polygraph. If she admits that she had PA only with the 19 yr old, then test her if she had sex with her only. If she claims she never had sex with any other man, then test her if such is true. And, also you can test her if she indeed loves her husband and want to remain married.
I am not a polygraph expert, but I think an open-ended questions do not well in polygraph exam.
Also, both of you must take STD test. There is misconception that Lesbian sex does not involve penetration and therefore no need for STD test. This is untrue. Homosexuals carry STD far more frequently than straight people, as they tend to sleep around more. From your story, the 19 yr old seems a butch type, which means she sleeps around with numerous women. You guys are at high risk of STD.
Ugh, we feel like we're making progress and then she keeps saying things that trigger bad things for me. I know many of you go through this too.
- Interview with a business owner... "She just wasn't attractive to me." WTF?! You're interviewing based on how attractive your female boss is? "No no no, I'm just saying she was fat and nasty." Ummm, that's not what you said.
- After maintaining that she wasn't attracted to her lover since DDay, last night some true feelings emerge and when I go, "See that wasn't so hard now was it?" She gets all freaked out and retreats to her original stance. C'mon, if you can't be honest about stupid things like that you enjoyed kissing her, how can you expect me to believe the bigger stuff? Really? You kissed her often and frequently and it did nothing for you... you just endured the torture of it?
- And the list can go on and on and on.
Does TAM have any effective threads about nightmares and dealing with them?
Tover26, my oldest daughter has a friend who was a soldier stationed in Afghanistan who suffered from severe episodes of PTST (post traumatic stress disorder). At the beginning of the year he underwent EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, and according to him, he no longer suffers from PTSD. You might want to consider checking into it to see if it would help you. I sure wish that I had known about it after I discovered my ex-wife's betrayal.
I'll check it out morituri. We just got back from a family hike with the kids. It was a gorgeous autumn day with crunchy leaves, the dog, trees to climb on, puddles to jump in. Walking through this area where we've been a 1000x as a family, I found myself looking at my wife and wondering if all the times we walked this during her As, if she was wishing she were with those other people and enduring it for show purposes only. I hate this.
I'll check it out morituri. We just got back from a family hike with the kids. It was a gorgeous autumn day with crunchy leaves, the dog, trees to climb on, puddles to jump in. Walking through this area where we've been a 1000x as a family, I found myself looking at my wife and wondering if all the times we walked this during her As, if she was wishing she were with those other people and enduring it for show purposes only. I hate this.
Well, we're moving 2.5 hours away next weekend. That'll put us away from her lovers and past. I hope we get a chance to start over again and have some time to work things out. I can't sleep still and while my concentration has improved from seconds to minutes, it's not enough for work and I'm in disciplinary review. Big f'ing sigh.
My wife appears to be sincerely trying but I feel like I'm in a stage where I'm noticing but apathetic and I'm not feeling a lot of love, just pressure to fall back in love and move on. I think it's a bad thing when you see everything though a bleak and despairing lense but sincere efforts after all of this and I'm realizing I might have fallen out of love. I don't remember a "falling out of love" phase in the recovery phases you go through after an affair. NC seems intact. But I just can't bring myself to do a keylogger... it seems counterpurposed to falling in love and rebuilding trust.
I feel we've made good progress on trust. Not so much on being in love.
If it were me I would use all possible means at my disposal to find out what was going on one way or another. Otherwise the doubt would keep me in a state of limbo. Not knowing anything for sure is worse than knowing something bad.
As part of the move, my wife is going down and will be staying in a hotel by herself for about 4 days to get her job down there started up. I'm remembering when I was last there... this exact same day. I was going down for Day 1 on a new job. My wife slept the entire day and then got mad at me when it was time to leave. I got the kids dressed, to church, fed, bathed, played with them, and we cleaned the house. I was a stress case. After Day 1, I went back to the hotel I was staying at, and got a text from my mom indicating that my daughter had almost missed piano and when she called my wife, she came over with "some girl" and it was weird. I had a full on panic attack and couldn't get a hold of my wife. I almost called the police. Finally at 10 pm, with images of my kids left alone, I called a friendly neighbor who went over and he knocked. My wife finally called me and said she'd been asleep since 830 pm (earliest she'd ever gone to bed ever)... she denied and then admitted hanging out with her friend and then casually mentioned that her friend was spending the night because she was homelss. I died inside.
Day 2 I came home and my asked for a divorce. 18 days later, the truth came out... that the friendly neighbor's knocking had interrupted my wife having sex with her girlfriend in the basement. Weeee.... Tomorrow is my wife's Day 1 on her job. Every part of me wants to get in bed and let her see what it all feels like... and to be "unavailable" while she starts a new job on her Day 1, etc. Every part of me isn't letting me... so again, I woke up, got the kids ready, made an awesome breakfast for everyone, and am trying to put on a happy face. It's our last Sunday here in our house. Next Sunday we'll be in a new place.
I hate this. I had so many hopes and dreams tied up in a new life and lifestyle in a new place. It's all gone. The fun and excitement died on DDay and all I feel now is lethargy and fatigue. The light at the end of the tunnel for my family has changed to hope that things work out for my kids, but even as my wife appears to be trying, I'm feeling farther and farther out there, away from the family. I don't understand why my wife would choose the time she did to do this. I don't understand how I can get through this time of new jobs, relocating, infidelity blow up and fall out... without time and I spent all day every day last week including Saturday working from 6 am till 10 pm trying to get caught up, trying to hold it together for just one more day. I'm tired of it all. I haven't seen my kids for 2 months now even though I'm sure they're still living here in my house. I've become a terriblly unavailable and preoccupied father (all the things I hated about my own father), and I know I'm sucking it up as a husband because all I care about is seeing my wife stabilize enough to be a good mother for the kids. Maybe at that point I get to choose whether I stay or leave forever.
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Re: Lesbian/Bi/Serial... oh my 
