So, just an update, it's been just over 2 months since Dday. It appears I've pulled through the getting fired phase at work and have a better if still tenuous grasp on having a job. 2 weeks ago, I chewed my wife out for not following the NC component which was for her to let me know if there was contact and if there was not, to let me know that too. Since then, finally, she's been following it. I can't tell that there has been any contact, but how would I know?
I asked her to retrieve her phone records and let me see them as paper printouts from her iPhone. They finally came. I knew they came. I asked her to just hand them over to me, but when they finally came, she ripped it open when I wasn't around and after 30 min I just asked her, "Hey, so your records arrived right? Do I need to give you an engraved invitation to let me see it?" She said she wanted to highlight the phone calls so I could easily see that she hadn't had any contact since DDay and I told her that was a bunch of bull**** because I'm perfectly capable of seeing the dates and recognizing her lover's tel#. It was for only 1 of the 3 months I asked for so she's going to get those too, I guess. I don't understand why it's so hard to do this. I mean, I understand it... she wanted to check and verify that there weren't a bunch of calls showing up after DDay, but still. That's not what I asked or she agreed to. I'm thinking this deserves a consequence but can't think of any that I care enough about to do. In talking about it with her, it also turns out also that her online affair partner called her in August, which she swears she told me about but when I questioned more she can't remember for how long, when, what they talked about etc.
"How convenient that you remember telling me about it but can't remember any of the details..." I know how to find that guy online and will just chat it up with him. If she's not lying and nothing ever happened with them, it shouldn't freak the guy out at all to talk with me. Otherwise, I imagine he'll block me and vanish and that'll tell me lots and lots.
Part of the phone record was the day before my job started - our anniversary interestingly enough - and she slept all day long, only rousing herself long enough to chew me out for not telling her when I was leaving for training, as I'd be gone for 3 nights. On my drive she called for 5 min and chewed me out some more. Looking at the phone record, she spent literally 4.5 hrs on the phone with her lover practically the instant I left till 1 am. And the next night was when my wife brought her home and they ****ed it up in the house. I think that our anniversary is pretty dead as a date to remember and be happy about. I struggle with the "why I care" question when things were already so bad at that point in time, but seeing this fresh brings up so much negativity. Looking at it, with my wife right there, it was really hard to keep my cool. I finally went and laid down on the couch and after a while of silence on her part, she left. We have the time out working really well... what with all my apathy and growing distance and her inability or decision to not do anything... I think our marriage has a survival rate of about 10% right now. I've been reading the 180 and the problem I'm having with it is that it's coming very naturally to me and when I get into that mode, it's hard to want to come home or even be with her. I'm pretty sure the intent of 180 is Reconciliation and Recovery right?
You don't have to reread the Dr. Harley Books, just go to the Marriage Builders website and read all the free articles on surviving infidelity, and also posts on the support forums. They recommend plan A/B. You might want to post about your situation on a forum there and let those people help you too.
Is the marriage builders website getting desperate for visitors? Looks like you're promoting the site in your postings.
I'm sorry you're still getting so much lack of commitment from her.
Other than dragging her feet sharing details, is she putting effort into you and the relationship? Is she emotionally and physically showing energy for you, or is she dragging there too?
She should be putting in 110% at this point, begging to get your to keep her. If she's not, then I think her actions are showing her words to be cheat talk.
btw. Have you asked her to account for the anniversary call? Ask her to explain just WTF she thinks you should feel and do over that?
Why can't you just sync her iPhone to your computer and check the back up logs? You should be able to get into any deleted emails and text messages.
And the 180 is not for Reconciliation or Recovery. Why do so many people misinterpret this despite everyone explaining what it is. It's not a tool for manipulation. It's not a tool for getting your spouse back. Once again, the 180 is a SELF EMPOWERMENT tool, it helps you gain strength, helps minimize your co-dependency, so that you will be able to move on, WITH OR WITHOUT your spouse.
I've tried. It doesn't work that way and her iPhone conveniently "broke" about the time of DDay. She has yet to synch her new replacement phone up with iTunes... and mysteriously, the replacement phone is "broken" now too. Heavy sigh.
On other fronts, there is an update. The online thing in my original post has turned out to be a 7 month online incredibly sexual affair with mutual masturbation, pictures, videos, and plans to meet up, get married, sighs. The best part of it all is that 2 hours before this all came out she sent me a wonderful 5 page email explaining that there were no more secrets, no more lies... I wonder if she copied it off some kind of infidelity recovery forum? I had talked to the online guy in Singapore and knew there was more more and when I confronted her, she melted down. The problem is that there are at least 2 more things I know about that she hasn't fessed up to yet.
180 right? Time to move on. Shaggy, just for you. Consequences. I deleted all of the sexy pictures we've shared in our marriage. I told her that each day she doesn't come clean, I'm going to disconnect another aspect of our relationship. Today was one of the best days I've had at work. I feel like I have a plan now. I feel like there's a timetable at play now that I have some influence and control over.
At this point just tell all the things you know and that you have no more emotional patience left. None, she's taken you down to your core. Tell that your moving on unless she finally comes clean, and then schedule that polygraph finally.
You deserve to see an end in sight. Posted via Mobile Device
Update... turbulent times. Sunday, her cell phone bill arrived. I saw it. I gave it to her. She was supposed to give it back to me so I could open it and see things for myself. She did not. When I confronted her about it 30 min later, she had already poured through it and gave me some lame ass excuse about how she was going to highlight all of her calls to her female lover. A number of red flags went off. A month prior, I had contacted her online "friend" and learned quite a lot about where things had gone with them. I had no idea how deep that abyss went.
She had Monday off and spent 4+ hrs writing an elegant and loving email to me about sincere remorse and reconciliation. I think she got it off SI. It was full of lies and was ultimately an elegant attempt to game me into not noticing what I already knew. I didn't confront her. I just told her I knew she was lying and my patience, as Shaggy would say "is empty to the core". Tuesday a bit more came out. Wednesday a bit more came out. But after Sunday, I told her that each day of ongoing lies would result in something being disconnected. Thursday I texted her and begged her to do something brave, to own up to something I didn't already know about, to give me something in her brave enough to love. She came home and showed me a secret email account she shared with this guy. It was Master/Slave fetish with him giving her instructions and her obeying by making videos. If you can imagine it, she did it. Besides all the lame ass stuff waywards do in a normal affair though, this one went over and above on several points. I'm not going to elaborate them here. Interestingly, any and all pics, vids, and/or contact info from him was missing. It turns out my Dday for the lesbian had been wargamed between her and him as part of her slave pledge. For any of you not knowing what that is, google it. In a nutshell, she took her wedding dress and a pic of our family from our wedding day and while begging her Master to own her heart, body, soul, and sex forever, she stripped off her dress dancing for him and then masturbated while pledging herself as his *****slave for all time and eternity. She then took her ring off, finished the video, sent it to him, and then they had online sex for 5+ hrs. Nutshell over.
I'm really struggling with all the references (850+ emails from her to him and maybe 50+ back... and that's just the 1 email account, they also used 3 video sharing systems, 5 different chat systems, normal text and phone, and had different code words worked out to verify that I had stumbled across their accounts) to "I love you" and "you are truly my soulmate" coupled to complete plans for him to come out and add her to his stable. I read this and I feel it went beyond FOG.
I'm really struggling with the systematic renouncing of wedding vows. I mean, I get that the As basically mean that it never mattered anyways, but vows and commitments are kind of important to me. Her last contact was 2 days ago when she finally wrote a NC letter that didn't start off with an apology for having to do this to him. The struggle is that I feel like I am with another man's property now and beyond the normal A stuff, I'm struggling with how/why I would have fallen in love with someone that wanted to be treated like chattel in the first place. It's really messing me up.
We have a polygraph scheduled for the next 2 ways, date pending. We get up to 6 questions and subquestion themes; it'll last 3 hours. She has agreed that if she fails, she will abandon the family long enough for me to file divorce based on abandonment, at which time, I will allow her to have shared custody with the kids based on certain conditions. I have agreed that if she passes, I will accept that there isn't anymore and will delay a more formal divorce to try and reconcile against the mountain of issues we now have.
She was kind enough to share my emails with him so he has all my account info and is sending me emails about how much I suck.
I am so sorry for you. I do not think there is a need for you to spend money on a polygraph. She has humiliated and disrespected you in such a sick way. She is mentally ill. Please contact a lawyer and divorce her as soon as possible. She is absolutely toxic to you and will drag you down with her if you stay. Good luck.
I am so sorry for you. I do not think there is a need for you to spend money on a polygraph. She has humiliated and disrespected you in such a sick way. She is mentally ill. Please contact a lawyer and divorce her as soon as possible. She is absolutely toxic to you and will drag you down with her if you stay. Good luck.
I agree. The polygraph could be a waste of time and money. She has admit to many things. Arent any of her admissions sufficient for divorce or, alternatively, serious IC?
but save the polygraph money. She's no longer worth it.
take away money she has, take away any clothes you bought her, take everything she has from you. She gave herself to him, and she renounced her vows. At that moment she gave away you and her family.
Stop hanging on. Offer to drive her to the red light district and drop her off, she can earn her new living there. She'll probably like it, by the sounds of how sick she is.
Honestly, this is one of most hideous stories I've ever heard here.
-- check for keyloggers etc on you PC he may have had her install them there. you should also afterward change all your passwords everwhere.
You should also check your finances etc, he may have been having her send him your money as well.
Oh, and burn the bed. She's likely done some nasty there, and you don't want to be sleep in it any longer.
Wow.
Has she told you who he is? Can you go after him some how? Either his GF/Wife, or but publically outing him to his neighbors, and coworkers?
I don't know record her confession about it and mail it these people.
Pure scum bags like him, and the twisted sick disturbed woman like your wife - deserve to outed from normal society. Just pure sickness.
Let the loser have her. she's so hideous, an ass like him deserves her.
Most cheaters come up with some form of twisted justification for infidelity. I would love to hear hers. Did she say anything about what the **** was going on in her mind?
How long has this been going on?
I understand that the main reason you are staying is for the kids, but you'd be fully justified in divorcing her at any time. Keep a copy of that video, it could come in handy later.
I think you should make her go see a psychiatrist before you let her see the kids every again. Someone like her shouldn't be around kids until she gets serious professional help.
I hope that you pushed for professional counseling because she is in bad need of it whether you divorce her or not. The children need a mentally and emotionally healthy mother and right now they don't have one. Married or divorce, she must commit to becoming a healthy woman for her children's sake.
90Likes
Re: Lesbian/Bi/Serial... oh my 
