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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-18-2012, 07:18 PM   #1531 (permalink)
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By the way....W and I have been getting along so darn well, lately....it is WONDERFUL. Sexually....we've been having the honeymoon we really didn't have. Actually had two times yesterday! We've been joking around, talking, and downright having a grand time. She seems genuinely SO MUCH happier. I truly feel we have turned a fantastic corner. She is now the most fantastic wife....and I'm still working hard to be her perfect husband. Most nights we go to bed together. And she's back to spooning me again!

Back in my dating days, I used to have a test (of sorts) I would give my dates. If they did some sort of sound effect, I would immediately ask....'How did that go?' If they would repeat the effect...I knew they were fun. W actually would go a third time, if I asked again. he, he! During our downtime (last two years)....if I asked her 'How did that go?'......she would just shoot me a glare, and say..."I'm not doing it again." Today.....she repeated TWICE (second time on her own accord). She's BACK! yahhoooo!
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Old 03-18-2012, 09:06 PM   #1532 (permalink)
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My wife and I took our kids and our grand daughter to DW last summer. Don't know about the camping setup but I would very much recommend the meal plan. You can eat at any facility in any of the parks and the food is fantastic. We did not have a bad meal.

Plus be sure to take the kids to the Character breakfast at the Contemporary motel. That was the highlight of the trip for grand daughter. Have a fun time.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:23 PM   #1533 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by DailyGrind View Post
By the way....W and I have been getting along so darn well, lately....it is WONDERFUL. Sexually....we've been having the honeymoon we really didn't have. Actually had two times yesterday! We've been joking around, talking, and downright having a grand time. She seems genuinely SO MUCH happier. I truly feel we have turned a fantastic corner. She is now the most fantastic wife....and I'm still working hard to be her perfect husband. Most nights we go to bed together. And she's back to spooning me again!

Back in my dating days, I used to have a test (of sorts) I would give my dates. If they did some sort of sound effect, I would immediately ask....'How did that go?' If they would repeat the effect...I knew they were fun. W actually would go a third time, if I asked again. he, he! During our downtime (last two years)....if I asked her 'How did that go?'......she would just shoot me a glare, and say..."I'm not doing it again." Today.....she repeated TWICE (second time on her own accord). She's BACK! yahhoooo!

Make sure you keep listening to her. The small things might pile up once again when things get a little more comfortable. Tell her that you are bit dense sometimes and you need her help to see more clearly sometimes. Don't let the resentment build up once again.
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:33 AM   #1534 (permalink)
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By the way....W and I have been getting along so darn well, lately....it is WONDERFUL. Sexually....we've been having the honeymoon we really didn't have. Actually had two times yesterday! We've been joking around, talking, and downright having a grand time. She seems genuinely SO MUCH happier. I truly feel we have turned a fantastic corner. She is now the most fantastic wife....and I'm still working hard to be her perfect husband. Most nights we go to bed together. And she's back to spooning me again!

Back in my dating days, I used to have a test (of sorts) I would give my dates. If they did some sort of sound effect, I would immediately ask....'How did that go?' If they would repeat the effect...I knew they were fun. W actually would go a third time, if I asked again. he, he! During our downtime (last two years)....if I asked her 'How did that go?'......she would just shoot me a glare, and say..."I'm not doing it again." Today.....she repeated TWICE (second time on her own accord). She's BACK! yahhoooo!
Really a nice post to read on a Monday morning......Props to you both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:19 AM   #1535 (permalink)
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now keep your damn fool mouth shut and stop asking about separation
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Old 03-21-2012, 03:42 AM   #1536 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=DailyGrind;467162]


We have NEVER really argued, in the past (part of our problem, I suppose.) We both just do our little snide retortes, and run. We never address our issues. I think, last weekend, was sort of a turning point. I actually realized I couldn't take it any more, and pushed back. Then, yesterday we were at a outing, where we both had a bit too much.....and the argument sort of flowed. Oddly...in a very low key (pretty much no one could tell) manner. But, I kept getting "your rediculous", "your too sensitive"...to all my issues (like her not even thanking me for the anniversary present....she claims she did....but I just "didn't hear her".....kind of the point of thanking someone, isn't it?)

We have two little adorable kids (6 and 8) who are pretty much why I am still in this thing. THAT...and we can't afford to separate, financially. So...for years now...I've just been ignoring the problems, and not confronting.

Here's my problems:

A) I truly love my wife with all my heart, but things have been SOOOO bad, for so long...I just don't even know if it makes sense. We have been so long from a normal relationship, which I truly long for from her...but I just don't know how to reach out to her. We tried counseling with our minister, last year....but he really didn't do much and nothing changed. We only had 4-5 sessions.
B) She is obviously opening up to this guy, that I just met last night. Nothing sexual, as yet. But a few borderline comments. And...appears to be some history re-writing..and the two lamenting their awful marriages.
C) After I left for work, she emailed the following to this guy after he asked if it was a "divorce/separation" talk (which stings the most):

"I'm pretty certain it will be. I don't think either of us can hang in there. He doesn't really even have a good reason for marrying me. I'm sure he liked the idea of me but never actually liked me and most certainly has never "gotten" me. I can only be nice and take crap for so long. I feel like he has taken advantage of that for many years. And I don't like what it has done to me over the years. If you had something solid to begin with then try to fix things, but I don't think we ever had that. I know I've suggested being unhappy but nothing like this. Sorry to unload. "

She just posted THIS to the guy:
"It sounds like you've has it pretty rough too. I hope you can get through it. Kids do change things. Its even harder when parents can't be on the same page about how to raise kids. And then there are competitions about who does more. so much resentment over the years. a year and a half ago I decided I was done just taking it and just kind of cut off emotionally but that's a really cold way to live. I was hoping to stay together for the kids but we're just setting a bad example for them. When he was yelling at me Saturday during breakfast poor Emily started to cry, ran over to me and buried her face in my shoulder all the while he continued. After he left she asked if we were going to get a divorce. It was really sad. We tried counseling briefly but it didn't and won't work. "

DG- glad things are looking bright for you!

Just a question though, as the banter (communication exchange) and sexual life seem to be headed in the right direction, do you feel you should address some of the more important issues with your wife? I understand the concept of don't ruin a good thing while it lasts, but your wife has some areas that you need to still iron out with her that are rather serious and could posibliy lead you down the same strain if not addressed. JMOHO
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Old 03-21-2012, 10:37 AM   #1537 (permalink)
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DG has changed an awful lot since then. In fact up until recently the problem was that his wife hadn't noted the changes. She was still disconnected. I think this breakthrough has changed that. I think now she sees the changes that DG made to himself. And I think the new DG will not slide back into the old one. He knows where that leads. I also think they are beginning to communicate better. That will lead to less buried resentment as things move forward.
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:49 PM   #1538 (permalink)
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DG has changed an awful lot since then. In fact up until recently the problem was that his wife hadn't noted the changes. She was still disconnected. I think this breakthrough has changed that. I think now she sees the changes that DG made to himself. And I think the new DG will not slide back into the old one. He knows where that leads. I also think they are beginning to communicate better. That will lead to less buried resentment as things move forward.
thats fair, and I certainly hope so.
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:28 PM   #1539 (permalink)
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DG has changed an awful lot since then. In fact up until recently the problem was that his wife hadn't noted the changes. She was still disconnected. I think this breakthrough has changed that. I think now she sees the changes that DG made to himself. And I think the new DG will not slide back into the old one. He knows where that leads. I also think they are beginning to communicate better. That will lead to less buried resentment as things move forward.
I think this is true. I am certainly more AWARE of issues, my actions, and meeting HER love language. We have not entirely written off MC. We postponed last weekends scheduled session, to the end of this month. Although....I attribute our turn around to YOU GUYS more than anything the MC did. We'll see how the next session goes.

This all being said....we still have a long way to go. She still has not said "I love you." And she still does not seem to understand MY love language (touch and affirmation........hers are quality time, and acts of service.) For now....I am meeting her emotional needs. But, for me to truly be happy....I need her to TELL me she loves me...and need unsolicited touch. As we continue to grow...I'll work on trying to convey this to her, in a non-confrontational way.

As for progress....we have settled on DW in September. We are also working on plans for a trip (just the two of us) to New Orleans, for a long weekend (Memorial Day weekend.)

Here is an interesting exchange from Monday....but some background first. The previous Monday, I texted her that I "did some experimenting with the razor, during my morning shower...lol." The gist of our texting last Tuesday was a LOT around my new-found "smoothness"...if you know what I mean. She appears to really like it..and has been joking with me ever since. For instance...one of my texts was that Wednesday was Survivor night...and I had plans for her. She responded..."is that your SMOOTH move?"

Anyway...this past Monday...when I got home for work, I did my normal hello hugs to the kids...then went to W, and gave her a peck on the cheek. DD1 commented "I thought you guys didn't kiss anymore!" I responded....'no....YOU mentioned that we don't kiss....I never said that. In fact...here's ANOTHER kiss for her.' W then adds..."Mommy and Daddy just went through a rough patch for a while...that is all." I then quipped in...'Yeah...now we are all SMOOTHED over.' W just doubled up laughing.

So...we are soooo on a completely elevated level, in joking around...and being sexual with each other. Things seem great. We've been joking about the New Orleans trip...and I keep telling her the goal is maximum beads. She keeps responding she doesn't think (after two kids) she is "bead-worthy." I keep assuring her she absolutely is. And we both laugh. But..in the long run...she does need to learn to start speaking MY love language. I hope we get there. I think we will. AND...yes...we do need to address some of the failings (communication is number one) that got us to that bad place. But...not now. I also think we need (at some point) to address how devastated I was by her beginning stage EA. It seems to be a bit rug-swept right now. And NOW is not the right time. I don't think it needs to come up, as punishment...or anything. I just think she will need to understand the emotional avalanche I went through (and am still dealing with......I will STILL go through triggers...and she will need to understand them.)

Hope all this makes sense.

Thanks all, for your support and advice. It has been priceless!!
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:16 PM   #1540 (permalink)
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You just want to brag about how good your joke was, don't you? Hahaha

And The EA thing can wait a bit.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:18 PM   #1541 (permalink)
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You just want to brag about how good your joke was, don't you? Hahaha

And The EA thing can wait a bit.
Well...yeah. But I also found it interesting that she said we "WENT through a rough patch"...as in PAST TENSE.
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Old 03-21-2012, 08:48 PM   #1542 (permalink)
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DG,
Do NOT ask your W why she doesn't say I love you. Do NOT do that. You two are on a GREAT upward tilt. Keep it going. She is showing you she loves you in a lot of ways.

When ready, she will say it. In the mean time she is PROVING it. Let her move at her own pace in that area. Not everyone can say those words as easily as the rest of us.



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Having a bad day here...so, this is just my opinion and I'm sure I will get heat from this:

Don't go back to MC. I think sometimes it brings up more bad then good. You two are doing fine right now, why put that pressure on eachother?

Just ask her why she never says "I Love You." What is it going to hurt? Just me nice and honest about the question.

Also, very sad about your daughter's comment. I always thought about how my children were going to act during their marriage, with them seeing no affection between their parents. It always made me so sad thinking about it.

Take Care DG...glad things are working out for you.
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Old 03-21-2012, 10:28 PM   #1543 (permalink)
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Do not ask about why she does not say I love you.

My wife and I are married over 20 years and she has very rarely said I love you. It is just the way she is.

It used to bother me but when I look at her actions those speak louder than any words she could ever say to me.

just keep moving forward DG. You and your wife are on the right path.

Keep the rough patch behind you Mr. Smoothe!!!!
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Old 03-22-2012, 03:28 AM   #1544 (permalink)
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Make her a 'Smoothie' for breakfast tomorrow! Ha ha! Glad all is going well!
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Old 03-22-2012, 06:14 AM   #1545 (permalink)
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While I agree I shouldn't ask her, at this time. At some point she will need to understand....my love languages ARE Words of Affirmation and Touch. Which I never really knew about before our troubles. She has rarely spoken my language. I have always been the one to initiate touch....and words of affirmation have nearly always been lacking. So, how do I go about getting her to ultimately speak MY language? I'm speaking hers. Can I help what my language is??
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