Who knows. I haven't done it in a while....but until recently, when I waivered on my thoughts on it....I would whip out the recording and give a listen. EVERY TIME, I came away absolutely convinced it was a conversation. Maybe it was....but that is over. I don't know. I mean...there WERE other red flags too. TWICE during that two year hiatus...she ramped up her workout routine (once, right at the beginning...and right when the EA started.) Since the EA was blown out.....she really has no interest. She'll go with me...if I twist her arm a little. BUT....I mean..she was hard-core....going to 6:00 AM workout sessions (a couple times with AP)...at least twice a week. I truly believe there was interest in the AP....also, I think there might have been an EA at the start of the two years. Whatever it was....I DO believe it is all over. Now...it is back to 50-50 to making this work. I know *I* won't take it for granted, ever again.
Here's the way I look at it. Whatever was taking her attention away from you...you nuked it good brother! I wouldn't give a seconds thought to any EA, other phone, gym workouts, etc. The purpose of everything is to get your wife back. You already did it. Nothing else to worry about. You are there my friend. It only gets better.
Who knows. I haven't done it in a while....but until recently, when I waivered on my thoughts on it....I would whip out the recording and give a listen. EVERY TIME, I came away absolutely convinced it was a conversation. Maybe it was....but that is over. I don't know. I mean...there WERE other red flags too. TWICE during that two year hiatus...she ramped up her workout routine (once, right at the beginning...and right when the EA started.) Since the EA was blown out.....she really has no interest. She'll go with me...if I twist her arm a little. BUT....I mean..she was hard-core....going to 6:00 AM workout sessions (a couple times with AP)...at least twice a week. I truly believe there was interest in the AP....also, I think there might have been an EA at the start of the two years. Whatever it was....I DO believe it is all over. Now...it is back to 50-50 to making this work. I know *I* won't take it for granted, ever again.
I think something may have happened if you hadn't got wise. However, I don't think it ever reached the level where she believed something inappropriate was going on. I also believe the OM was going to try and bed her. He even used his wife as a backup to his nice guy bullsh!t but one of their topics of convo was how bad his relationship and differences in child rearing were. Would his wife have been so supportinve if she had known he was throwing her under the bus?
Congratulations on saving your familly because in my opinion thats exactly what you have accomplished.
I just finished reading 106 pages for the last couple of days and im so impressed with the progress you have made in your marriage.
DG you are a good man, your wife is lucky to have you and i really hope you continue to get closer and happier together....you deserve it.
Thank you!
I am happy to report I got my first unsolicited "I love you" text yesterday. I don't think I've seen that in many years. So, I guess I can safely say it IS possible to get to the brink, and still come out even better. I think the key is A) I truly do love her with all my heart; B) I made the changes SHE needed...and am sticking to them; and C) i completely lucked out in catching her EA early. Thank GOD Posted via Mobile Device
I am so happy DG. Indeed this thread is an inspiration.
In think that There are several elements that led to success. DG made changes that were sustained was one. Another thing is his personality.
Anger was.not a prominent feature of his approach to his wife. He did not show any generalization about women. No bait an switch talk and all of the other useless garbage.
He acknowledged that he had a part in their problems and he did not fall into the male victim of women morass. The usual jumping through hoops statement was never uttered
He said on message this was a problem with one woman and he maintained hope that he could solve the problem with this one woman.
He looked for solutions and did not characterize meeting her needs as jumping through hoops. That indicates an acceptance of femaleness.
If he thought he was fighting some fixed female issue, he probably would not have been so persistent. He was as open to advice from men and woman. He also has an endearing quality even under the strain of a sexless marriage.
I have mentioned before in other posts that anger towards women and falling into the usual "all women are like this". The jumping through hoops i can never understand. It seems to be asking women to meet their needs by behaving like men.
That is a bit of a conundrum, no? I cannot see how they expect their partner to desire a connection with a hostile man, who is contemptuous of what many women need in a relationship. I think they should try the DG method.
Anger was.not a prominent feature of his approach to his wife. He did not show any generalization about women. No bait an switch talk and all of the other useless garbage.
...
I have mentioned before in other posts that anger towards women and falling into the usual "all women are like this". The jumping through hoops i can never understand. It seems to be asking women to meet their needs by behaving like men.
This made me smile. Decrying generalizations about women while making generalizations about men is just funny.
Ironically (see what I did there?) the advice he got here on manning up, setting and enforcing boundaries, and most of the standard advice men get for dealing with women looks to have saved his marriage.
He succeeded where other men that are given the same advice fail because of the type of man he is, not the advice alone.
Give him a little credit. It is not so much what he did as it is how he did it. His execution was flawless. In addition, his wife is emotionally healthy.
All of the flawless execiution in the world would not have made a difference If she were mentally unsound.
Thanks for pointing that out so nicely.
If you need an example of generalization look at the post before yours. What do you see?
There are two problems that you have that have lead you to see generalizations in my post and skip over the very obvious and offensive ones in the post preceding yours. She a woman too!
You see what you want to see and you agree with the generalization about women so you gloss over them. Too bad for you.
"No bait an switch talk and all of the other useless garbage. ... The usual jumping through hoops statement was never uttered ... I have mentioned before in other posts that anger towards women and falling into the usual "all women are like this"."
The above quoted sentences from your post indicate that you have generalized either the usual advice that men get, or the usual advisers, and dismissed it/them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
He succeeded where other men that are given the same advice fail because of the type of man he is, not the advice alone.
I will grant you that the administration of changes in a marriage is an important aspect of curing a marriage. But I don't know that it's more important than what the changes are, or should be. I assume that DG is largely the same man he was when his wife wouldn't give him the time of day.
If being a good man was a sufficient quality for a happy marriage, the divorce rate would not be what it is today. One must be a good man doing the right things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
If you need an example of generalization look at the post before yours. What do you see?
There are two problems that you have that have lead you to see generalizations in my post and skip over the very obvious and offensive ones in the post preceding yours. She a woman too!
You see what you want to see and you agree with the generalization about women so you gloss over them. Too bad for you.
I'll say no more on DGs thread.
I have no idea what you're talking about here. The post before mine is yours. That was the one I was responding to. I saw nothing offensive in your post. Just humorous.
As for generalizations about women, I see nothing inherently wrong with generalizing. Generalizations are valuable things. If we can say that women generally like chocolate, then I have good odds of making my wife happy on Valentine's Day by buying her chocolate. If we say that we can't know anything about anyone until we have learned it through trial and error, then I may spend years buying my wife tripe, liverwurst, and God knows what else before I discover that she likes chocolate (just like most other women).
I know that I have improved my marriage after I learned some general tendencies of how women think and act and applied that knowledge to my own relationship. So, good for me.
I don't know or care anything about generalizations. What I know is I am so damned happy for DG. If I lived near him I'd walk up and give him a big hug. When I start to get a little down reading the problems other people have on TAM I come to this thread for rejuvenation. DG's story is proof positive that with enough love and persistence you can do anything.
"No bait an switch talk and all of the other useless garbage. ... The usual jumping through hoops statement was never uttered ... I have mentioned before in other posts that anger towards women and falling into the usual "all women are like this"."
The above quoted sentences from your post indicate that you have generalized either the usual advice that men get, or the usual advisers, and dismissed it/them.
I will grant you that the administration of changes in a marriage is an important aspect of curing a marriage. But I don't know that it's more important than what the changes are, or should be. I assume that DG is largely the same man he was when his wife wouldn't give him the time of day.
If being a good man was a sufficient quality for a happy marriage, the divorce rate would not be what it is today. One must be a good man doing the right things.
I have no idea what you're talking about here. The post before mine is yours. That was the one I was responding to. I saw nothing offensive in your post. Just humorous.
As for generalizations about women, I see nothing inherently wrong with generalizing. Generalizations are valuable things. If we can say that women generally like chocolate, then I have good odds of making my wife happy on Valentine's Day by buying her chocolate. If we say that we can't know anything about anyone until we have learned it through trial and error, then I may spend years buying my wife tripe, liverwurst, and God knows what else before I discover that she likes chocolate (just like most other women).
I know that I have improved my marriage after I learned some general tendencies of how women think and act and applied that knowledge to my own relationship. So, good for me.
Please understand that this was my problem...She was posting to me and I was the one in error...I only realized this later...When I realized it I deleted the posts...LESSON LEARNED....Please forgive...
Through this problem I have come to the understanding that I will/should stay away from debate forums...I not only don't have the knowledge of youth, but also have the ability to mess them up....Again I am sorry.....
I stumbled upon this forum and have only read this one thread. It took me a couple of days. I joined only so I could reply and tell DG and all of the posters how helpful, enlightening, and encouraging this thread was for me.
DG, you are an inspiration!
My H would like to read it next. I could relate to much of what you said about your wife, and I could see some of my H in DG.
I stumbled upon this forum and have only read this one thread. It took me a couple of days. I joined only so I could reply and tell DG and all of the posters how helpful, enlightening, and encouraging this thread was for me.
DG, you are an inspiration!
My H would like to read it next. I could relate to much of what you said about your wife, and I could see some of my H in DG.
Way to go everyone!
Thanks, GoodTimes....it's been a "fun" ride....but I think I'm done with it. W and I went to our MC, yesterday. We hadn't seen her since right before we went on our Separation tangent. Thank God that never happened. MC was amazed at our turnaround. Basically we think we migh be done with MC. I'm still doing IC. MC asked W, after expressing amazement at HER turnaround.....what clicked with her. She responded she just decided to do away with her resentments. I said...'Oh...you mean it WASN'T me pulling you into the shower with me?' She laughed and said...well...that pretty much jolted me, and helped my decision.
So....for all you wonderful people who have given me advice (ESPECIALLY the ones who pushed my to make a "move" on her)....I give my heartfull appreciation. That advice appears to have been absolutely golden. I am soooo thankful I took the advice. And the timing was perfect. It really seemed to jolt her back to me. I can't take the credit for this.....you guys inspired me to act, when I needed to. Without the help of TAM, I'm sure I would never have even recognized the danger our M was, when she started talking to the OM. Who knows where it would have gone....but THANK GOD I caught it in time.
If you could see how absolutely giddy we are now. We are like teenagers. It's amazing. DD1 actually told us to leave the room (kitchen) this morning, cause we are being all "goo goo faces at each other." And we are TALKING to each other. It is a shame we had to get so bad....to get so good. But then....I guess we were just floating along before. Now we seem to be dedicating ourselves to each other, like never before.
Maybe it's time I shut down this thread? I'll still be here...though I don't know my advice to others can come close to that offered by: ShamWow, PHTLump, Beowulf, Catherine602, tennisstar, MEM11363, golfergirl, Chapparal, bandit.45, warlock07, Almostrecovered (please never change your avatar), working_together, Tall Average Guy, Shaggy, jellybeans, and everyone else that popped in to help me with my life. {please forgive me if I've missed one of the major contributors} Many more checked in and offered their input. To ALLLLL of you....you've gotten me through the past 5 months, and seen me to the other side. I owe you all so much! Many of you have already come back out of your dark hours...and stay here to help those, struggling behind you. I KNOW there is a special place in heaven for you all. I hope to emmulate your lead, and try to pay back, as well. So...this is by no means goodbye. Rather, with this post, I hope to pay tribute to those who cared...sacrificed their precious time....and selflessly aided a lost soul in the dark. I'm sure all of us will some day drift off into the internet void.....but hopefully...there will always be others ...the staywards....that take over the batton, and continue to....pay back.
With Deepest Gratitude,
You did it all DG. In the end she just couldn't resist you. Take care of that wonderful family of yours. I hope we get to hear from you down the road. You are truly an inspiration.
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
