DG: following your thread, so sorry for your problems. Are you sure your wife and my x are not the same person? Your story, of how your wife never told you of problems, never discussed with you concerns, just internalized the problems letting them fester is exactly what happened to me. When I discovered the A she moved out and in with the OM that very day, filed for divorce the next. I went thru a horrible time with guilt, what I could have done, what I didnt do during the marriage, how I hid my head in the sand. Now 120 days out of DDay I still have nagging thoughts of these failures. But and it is a big But, you cannot be held responsible for not knowing what was not told to you! She has a responsibility to express her needs, concerns. You are not a mind reader. You cannot change the past, only work hard for the future. Let the guilt go, do what you can. My x currently hates my guts, has rewritten the history of our marriage to anyone that will listen. That is because of who she is, not what I have ever done, same for you. Have hope for at least she is attending counseling. But by all means take care of yourself and your kids, good luck to you.
Whew, always waiting for another shoe to drop on this thread.
Sounds like s decent start. If you have the time I wish you would walk us through your counseling with some details. Having never been in any kind of counseling this would be great. Also, it would be nice if others that are familiar with counseling could comment on how yours is going.
I keep thinking your wife has trust issues with you and that is the root of her anger and distance.
Sounds like s decent start. If you have the time I wish you would walk us through your counseling with some details. Having never been in any kind of counseling this would be great. Also, it would be nice if others that are familiar with counseling could comment on how yours is going.
I sure will. This one was more administrative, and a simple temperature gauge of where we are. She asked us for our goals for counseling..and asked us to look at each other and give three things we were appreciative of, from the other. Both of us could only come up with two, at the moment.
At the end, we were to give a positive to each other. My positive was that I am committed to this process, committed to understanding her...and (maybe for the first time) committed to listening to her, without judgement or defensive comments...so that she can truly share with me her issues.
I think the next session will start getting into communication tools, and giving us assignments for building positive experiences.
Well...it's been almost a month since my last post. Thought I'd update everyone. Wife and I have been to two joint counseling sessions, and one (each) individual...with our conselor. The counselor requested the individual sessions with us because W simply does not talk. Counselor asked me if this was typical. Told her..hell yeah...since day one. She NEVER talks about deep or personal stuff. She just never shares her days, thoughts, needs, etc. So, W had first session. I went to mine on Saturday. Counselor asked me if W talked to me about her session. Of course..answer is NO. Counselor seemed surprised, as W apparently couldn't STOP talking during her session. Counselor confirmed that wife has big resentment walls built up. She isn't sure she can move forward. Odd thing (in my mind) is that Counselor hasn't really started any communication tools with us. We leave the sessions...and I don't know if we are supposed to be trying to talk on our own?? We haven't been given any assignments...anything. It's a little disappointing.
It seems to me that W and I are getting along a teeny bit better. As far as I can tell...there has been no contact with OM. However.....I don't know if I am paranoid (actually, I do...I AM paranoid)....but there have been a couple things setting me off:
Two Sundays ago...she poured her morning coffee...grabbed her grocery coupons...and proceeded to go to the bathroom for nearly an hour. SOOOOOO not like her. She is sooo finicky...the mere idea of ANYTHING ingested, in the same area where there might be smells....sends her into eebie-geebies. And...an hour in the bathroom....not like her at all. Of course, I was triggered cause that was the bathroom she was texting OM from, while pretending to go. Two hours later....she was BACK in the bathroom for another long stint. I have logger on her cell phone ...so I know nothing was going on there.
BUT.....just seems to me that phone has gotten eerily quiet. I've got the nagging thoughts that there might be another phone. Believe me...I've looked everywhere...but can't find one. So....I drop a VAR in her car. Nothing for days. Suddenly, yesterday....she is spending her whole car ride home, talking on a phone (and not her normal one.) She appears to be talking to someone about work related stuff...but VERY difficult to hear (radio is too loud.) SO....it appears there is another phone. I just can't figure out where it came from...or where it is. So...I don't know where to go from here. So, now....my head is just swimming. I'm so damn paranoid....I came within moments of buying a DNA test for my youngest daughter. I have every wild thought going through my head, these days. I keep flitting from "fight for the marriage" to "f-it...just walk away and start the healing...is this even worth it?"
If you have phone records, check up with the one she made on the drive.(Can you get the time on the var?) If they don't match, she is on a different phone. Yeah, she knows how you snoop and looks like this is going underground. And where are you typing this from? Do you think she might have found you on the forum?
I would look under the dashboard / center console area, carpet too. its got to be hidden somewhere clever but easy to access.
My gut instinct says she's underground now. maybe you need a hidden cam in car / bathroom to follow.
The noise level is designed to foil your VAR. I'm sure she knows its in there and is working around it being there, hence the noise level during her conversation. maybe if you had a noise filtering program, you could isolate her voice from the background - could defeat the loud stereo designed to throw your VAR off.
The counseling "homework" where she's supposed to be talking to you and isn't - its cause she isn't invested in your relationship anymore. she's biding her time.
If you have phone records, check up with the one she made on the drive.(Can you get the time on the var?) If they don't match, she is on a different phone. Yeah, she knows how you snoop and looks like this is going underground. And where are you typing this from? Do you think she might have found you on the forum?
Don't know how she could. I'm typing from my work laptop. No way she could get into that.
I'll keep trying the VAR in the car....see if I can find a better place for it, that the radio isn't so loud. I just wouldn't know how she could get a new phone. I do all the bills, and nothing has come through unusual. I did check the phone records....no calls (and certainly not one for an hour....during her ride home.) So..it IS another phone. Odd thing is...if this was just work related....why not use her own phone? Why an alternate. Makes me wonder if there isn't some sort of company phone she might have borrowed. Who knows. Clearly, I can't ask her.
She is making it easy to catch her however. You can use a hiiden cam in the bath or car and see where the phone is if you must. Though I'd suggest the car before the bath.
It' likely went dark for a while when they thought you were on to them, but they got tired of no contact so he got her a phone..now they'll start using it more and more and get sloppy. The more she uses it the more convenient to access is where she will keep it. Not to mention its need to recharge. Look for the charger in the car or garage.
The fact that she tok it underground show this isn't just friends, and it isn't over. If you could successfully record her, it would be evidence to give the OMW Posted via Mobile Device
Pull the fuse or rig the radio so it doesn't work. She using the back round noice to cover the convo.
Watch her routine...a route she takes as she exits the car until she gets inside. There my be an out side place, like in the garage.
I would think its most likely stashed in the car.
The counseling "homework" where she's supposed to be talking to you and isn't - its cause she isn't invested in your relationship anymore. she's biding her time.
Sorry to hear of this.
Well...that's my issue....we haven't been given any homework. No assignments, or guidance of any kind. I'll ask for some at the next session.
Pull the fuse or rig the radio so it doesn't work. She using the back round noice to cover the convo.
Watch her routine...a route she takes as she exits the car until she gets inside. There my be an out side place, like in the garage.
I would think its most likely stashed in the car.
Are you tracking her through GPS?
I have tracking on her phone. It gives me 30 minute updates where she is.
Once they establish a time to chat, they will stick to it so you have the when narrowed down.mif it becomes routine, try calling her regular phone during that time and see if you pick the ring up as part of her conversation recording. This will let you verify the time of the recording. Posted via Mobile Device
180Likes
Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
