Shaggy

The session might be the best place to talk about it.

She's shutting down with you. The more you pursue the farther she moves away.

It is entirely up to her to decide to make the effort to talk with you. If you are right about another man, then should could simply be waiting this out and get the divorce over.

If there is another man, she is likely talking at length to him and using him for venting and support. That's why she is able to keep you at arms length here, because she has a support system and is using it.

Unless she actually decides to work on communicating and the marriage there is nothing left for you do to.

So stop trying to find that thing you need to do. There isn't one.

DailyGrind

Well...if you may recall...the night before THAT letter, we laid on the table about divorce..and that I would look for a lawyer. That is when I asked her if it would be an uncontested divorce....that it WOULD be joint custody...and we WOULD in all likelihood lose the house. So....it very well could have been the idea of divorce that got her happy-feet going.

This is a VERY good point. Does anyone think I should post a new link in the Relationship Issues section, referencing back to these posts?

uwa

It could have been about divorce. It could have been about the letter. You didn't know, and you didn't ask.

DailyGrind

True enough. It was just before Christmas, though....I didn't want to rock the boat at that point. As hard as it may seem...I'm just going to sit back now, and try to not escalate this too much more. I'll just swallow my feelings...seeing as how we can't afford to separate for another three months, anyway. Try and keep the peace for a while...and then start the process then.

JustaJerk

To be honest, Daily... I seriously believe your wife has just checked-out of the marriage.

She hasn't done ANYTHING to try and repair this. If she's still angry about the VAR, she's got to get over that because she put herself in the position where there was a question concerning trust.

Personally, I would've confronted her about this long ago... f*ck the waiting... f*ck the little mind games she's been playing.

Ask her point blank- "Do you want to stay in this marriage, or not.?!?!"

You're in limbo here, bro... you've been in limbo for some time now. It's time for some action.

Jellybeans

U have to ask her about the letter. See what she says. I have been u before. It sucks. I realized I was the only person who gave a sh!t in my marriage. That one-sidedness is no way to live. So ask her and tell her how u feel about her non response. If she brushes it off and keeps ignoring u then decide whether u want to live like that. I personally wouldn't.
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uwa

That's exactly what your wife has been doing. Do you really need communication like that on both sides?

If you are intent on divorce, then perhaps that's the way to go. But if you want to at least try to save your marriage, maybe it's not.

It's not like there aren't mysteries that you could communicate on now. Right now you're speculating on why she's at work, and people are thinking affair. There are so many other possible reasons. Maybe she's upset with the divorce and is simply throwing herself into work. Maybe she resents you for filing and doesn't want to be in the house with you. Maybe she got behind on work and is trying to catch up.

The answer she gives may be bogus, but all you're doing now is reading tea leaves.


Why is talking to her less effective? If she gives a non-committal answer in person, what makes you think she will give a committed answer in writing?

The power in your letters is in their ability to convey emotion and clearly define your intentions. It is in their ability to show her that you love her. They were written to help clear up misunderstandings, but at the same time they were also love letters.

Don't sully that by making them just about legal squabbles.

I'm of the opinion that you don't need to rush this issue of custody. You have 3 months before you are even able to do anything. She already knows you're serious.

Also, right now you have 3 months until you start divorce. Don't confine communication to marriage counselling sessions.

I also get the feeling that you may get defensive about your wife's complaints, just as you did with her e-mails to her almost-EA. But even if you don't believe they are valid issues, they are valid for her. So if you do somehow get her to open up, don't shut her down. Ask her to explain further if needed, but don't argue. Then come away, think about what she's said and how you can address those issues.

So if she voices anything to you, be grateful. It would show she cares. At this point if she attacked you every time she spoke, it would still be better than what you have now.

gonefishin

Very good advise. There is nothing better than getting to the point. She already know he wants the marriage to work. It is time to cut through the BS
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DailyGrind

Actually...I am so far from intent on divorce. Beyond ANYTHING I want us to come together, and truly make us the wonderful, bonded couple I always thought we'd be.

True...I don't KNOW she is having an affair. But..ANY attempt at communication with her, has been met with stone silence. If it isn't about the kids, or some surfacy thing.....she clams up tighter than a drum.

I won't get one.

If I ask her directly...she simply won't answer. That's why I'm trying the letters. The ONLY time she has ever tried communicating with me on relationship issues, or communicating deep feelings....she did so by letter. I was hoping this was her method.

Thanks.

Good point.

I agree....I won't rush this. I don't want to communicate only at the counseling sessions...but if she just won't talk...what can I do? It is horribly frustrating.

Three years ago, when she gave me the letters about my issues. Yes...i was defensive. I thought we talked it out. But...I simply had too much anger in me, and didn't take it serious enough. I now realize...THAT was an opportunity for us to seek help, and hopefully have averted all this. She gave me a quick window into her heart...I didn't realize it at the time.

I told her at our first counseling session, almost two months ago....that I was ready (maybe for the first time) to TRULY listen to her...if she would only talk to me. This was the issue I hoped the counselor would get us through...how to communicate with each other. I think, barring her actually having an affair....if we could only communicate...we might be able to have everything else fall into place.

I guess.

DailyGrind

Is it possible for one to check back INTO a marriage?

I agree...other than she did go to a couple counseling sessions.

I've asked....and was told "I don't know."

YUP!!

uwa

Maybe your next letter could be about getting her to open up. And leave behind a pen and some blank paper.

Beowulf

If she doesn't react positively during counseling I would turn to the counselor, shake his hand and say "Well thanks for trying anyway. It looks like your services won't be needed anymore because I can't be the only one here who wants to stay married." Then turn around and walk out.

working_together

I'm just wondering how she is with the kids? It just seems that someone who is so non-responsive, miserable etc would have some difficulty being happy around her kids?

just wondering how she is with other people.

tennisstar

DG, a few things....

One, if she hasn't responded to the letter, she may never respond. My XH wrote me a letter. I felt terrible that I wanted a divorce. His letter begged me to work things out. I never answered. I didn't know what to say. I felt terrible (I lost 25 lbs in 2 months, didn't eat, etc when I wanted to leave), but what could I say? So, she may never answer.

Also, part of me thinks you are pushing her further away. It like you are constantly talking about the relationship, begging. Nothing turns a woman off more than begging. If she has checked out, this certainly won't help her check back into the marriage.

Just some advice...protect your finances at this point. I have seen some male friends really raked over the coals financially, and I live in a non-alimony state. They have lost most of everything to their XWs. Just some suggestions...start preparing for divorce. If she doesn't open up in counseling, stop going - that's an expense you don't need. Cut out cable; cut out the gym. Cut out any unnecessary expenses. You need to get financially on your feet.

I remember dating a man years ago who was going through a divorce (after that, I NEVER dated a man going through a divorce again). He had already spent $40K on the divorce, had to pay for counseling for both his kids weekly, pay for his wife's apartment (even though she was living with and pregnant by another man), etc. And he was still going to have to give her 1/2 the equity in the house, 1/2 retirement, etc. Watch yourself - divorces get nasty.

Also, I would be very careful about moving out and living in a little apartment. If you do that, you might be doing it for some time to come (years). I'm sure your wife would love that...you paying the bills and living in a small apartment and her being able to do what she wanted in your home.

If you have to lose the home, so be it. But I'd be darned before I would let her live in the home with part of your money and you living in a small apartment. If she complains about cutting back, tell her that since she isn't going to reconnect in the marriage, it's time to get your finances straight, cut back, etc. But why men sit back and pay for 2 households and allow their wives to just do what they want, with their money, is beyond me!! When I left, I paid my own bills, I struggled on my own. My XH didn't help, and I didn't expect him to.

DailyGrind

With kids, she is loving...but tends to be short-tempered. Not much patience.
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