What do I do then? Can't afford to move out....she sure as hell won't move out (no where to go.) I can threaten to go to the OMW (and probably should anyway)....but then what? Grenade goes off.....shrapnel everywhere.....dust settles......then what?
Move out!? What? DO NOT MOVE OUT. If anyone leaves she should leave. Why do guys always jump to flight when they have a chance to fight. Run this poacher off before he bangs your wife. I confess for me a PA is a deal breaker and others are different. You have a chance to stop this before they consummate. You can always decide to divorce later. Right now, blow this up and get into the fight. Do not beg. Take charge.
This guy is an absolute predator. He intended to steal your wife, for a while.
I cannot think of any advantage to waiting for her to physically bond with this low life.
What do I do then? Can't afford to move out....she sure as hell won't move out (no where to go.) I can threaten to go to the OMW (and probably should anyway)....but then what? Grenade goes off.....shrapnel everywhere.....dust settles......then what?
Who said anything about moving out? You are clearly playing with fire if you don't stop it. Just expose and never, ever leave the house. Call the OM and his wife. Don't allow her to go to the same places if she wants to stay married. If her communications are at work, tell her that you will notify her manager if it doesn't stop, since she's carrying on a relationship at work. If its phone communications, get text messaging shut down. She'll agree if she wants to stay married.
Thanks guys! I did the confront! I walked up to her and asked her if she had anything to tell me. "No." Are you sure??!! "No." I held up her phone, which she had left next to the bed. Now.....she had already deleated all the emails....so she was definitely confused. But...as soon as I held up the phone, I saw her deflate. I told her right there....come downstairs and talk to me about this right now...or I immediately call the OMW!
She kept insisting she would never have done anything...she's not that type. I insisted she go NC immediately (and let me see the email)...or I take this to the OMW. She tried deflecting by wondering how I found out, "did you go through my phone", etc. I kept telling her she lost the high road here....I'll deal with her anger on that ANOTHER day. She couldn't believe this guy was looking for sex from her.. ???!!!! WTF??!! I told her she couldn't be that naive. He was talking about how much vacation he had...and he'd reserve one week for her! If she named the time/place...he'd be there first!!
In the end...I made her do the NC email. She finally did wind up opening up about some of the reasons for her turning against me. Most were like WTF??? She's putting things on me that she said I did/said, in the past. I'm like...how can I defend myself...I don't even remember the event. BUT....that completely doesn't sound like me. Like she said she once told me that she needed a break from the kids for a bit...and I told her 'you don't need a break.' HUH?? BS...I would NEVER have said that. She said...oh please...if I'd asked you to take the kids for the day, last week...you wouldn't have. ??!! I responded, 'you must REALLY hate me a lot to think such ridiculous crap as that.....do you even hear yourself?'
Anyway...she says she is going to try, with a counselor. She COULD also be trying to figure out how to cover her tracks better......I just don't know. This is so exhausting. Any advice how I proceed now. She genuinely did open up about why she went dark, in the first place. Maybe we can use this to begin healing. But, if she goes underground...it'll be tough. She opened up a bit, because she was shamed. That could shut down. Until we get to a counselor...how do I keep the momentum, and keep the door open (assuming it is genuine)?
I need her to know I love her...why I did this in the first place. But...I don't want to appear weak, or overwhelm her now. ??
Thanks guys! I did the confront! I walked up to her and asked her if she had anything to tell me. "No." Are you sure??!! "No." I held up her phone, which she had left next to the bed. Now.....she had already deleated all the emails....so she was definitely confused. But...as soon as I held up the phone, I saw her deflate. I told her right there....come downstairs and talk to me about this right now...or I immediately call the OMW!
She kept insisting she would never have done anything...she's not that type. I insisted she go NC immediately (and let me see the email)...or I take this to the OMW. She tried deflecting by wondering how I found out, "did you go through my phone", etc. I kept telling her she lost the high road here....I'll deal with her anger on that ANOTHER day. She couldn't believe this guy was looking for sex from her.. ???!!!! WTF??!! I told her she couldn't be that naive. He was talking about how much vacation he had...and he'd reserve one week for her! If she named the time/place...he'd be there first!!
In the end...I made her do the NC email. She finally did wind up opening up about some of the reasons for her turning against me. Most were like WTF??? She's putting things on me that she said I did/said, in the past. I'm like...how can I defend myself...I don't even remember the event. BUT....that completely doesn't sound like me. Like she said she once told me that she needed a break from the kids for a bit...and I told her 'you don't need a break.' HUH?? BS...I would NEVER have said that. She said...oh please...if I'd asked you to take the kids for the day, last week...you wouldn't have. ??!! I responded, 'you must REALLY hate me a lot to think such ridiculous crap as that.....do you even hear yourself?'
Anyway...she says she is going to try, with a counselor. She COULD also be trying to figure out how to cover her tracks better......I just don't know. This is so exhausting. Any advice how I proceed now. She genuinely did open up about why she went dark, in the first place. Maybe we can use this to begin healing. But, if she goes underground...it'll be tough. She opened up a bit, because she was shamed. That could shut down. Until we get to a counselor...how do I keep the momentum, and keep the door open (assuming it is genuine)?
I need her to know I love her...why I did this in the first place. But...I don't want to appear weak, or overwhelm her now. ??
DailyGrind, PM the mods (Deejo or Amp or others) and ask them to move this to Coping with Infidelity - you'll get lots more responses from people who have been through this.
I wish the best for you in this!! Definately don't let up, but confidently tell her of your love for her, and your belief that the two of you can fix this if she decides to do the right thing. Do not beg or plead, because the other guy is being the Alpha here.
Be ready to expose to the omw the first time she breaks NC. You need Vars in her car ASAP, and in the home. She will be in touch with him.likle when he initiates it. Don't warn him or her, just do it.
This sounds like it was going PA this week. Posted via Mobile Device
And why haven't you blown this up to OM's wife? He's a scum bag, if it were me I would be calling on them both in person. The last thing he ever thought of would be to approach my wife again.
Be ready to expose to the omw the first time she breaks NC. You need Vars in her car ASAP, and in the home. She will be in touch with him.likle when he initiates it. Don't warn him or her, just do it.
This sounds like it was going PA this week. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think he's done near enough to stop that. Anyone else get that feeling.
I will PM to move this to coping. I agree, I'm not sure I've done enough. She cried when confronted. But, I'm afraid...once the shock of being found out occurs....she will simply call him, or email him from her work email...or something. Not sure what I should be doing now. I told her that she was not to take our daughter to dance class. When I take my daught next week....I plan on telling this shark I'm sooo close to disclosing to his wife...and he'd better stay away. But...you are right. She never really showed remorse for what was transpiring. What should I be insisting on? I've already had my hopes dashed three times, since this thing started. I don't want to make it four.
Before you threaten him with anything, do your reading in the CWI forum. Threatening him with disclosure simply allows him to start laying the framework for some whacko calling his wife.
This is where her whereabouts and actions get scrutinized. These are verifiable in some fashion. Like - where she is at all times, her communication with OM, etc.
You should send a few copies of the OM emails to his wife. You don't need to send your wife's email responses, but letting the OMW see what her husband said to another woman should be enough.
My guess is that your wife will try to contact the OM in some way to "get closure". It seems all cheaters tend to want "closure". It's really just an excuse to make themselves feel better by either a) Making sure the AP is not mad at them for getting busted or b) To see if the AP is still "into" them and get an ego stroke. It's addictive.
I also recommend getting the VAR. Plus, if you really want to increase the odds of ending the affair, informing the OMW is a must. The OM will most likely throw your wife under the bus to save his own marriage. Then his own marital problems should keep him distracted from trying to keep the affair going with your wife. Nothing wakes a DS up faster than being trashed by their AP confidant.
What truly amazes me is that we discussed things for about an hour. THEN...she had to go to bed. She gets up pretty early in the morning...so...I can somewhat understand. But...if it were me ....I wouldn't be able to sleep (like I'm not right now.) There was definitely some finger pointing on her part....and a lot of "Oh...it wouldn't REALLY have happened." But...no...sorry.
If he tries contacting her, by responding to her NC email. I'll know. If she is on to me, and gets to him first...it will be going underground. I plan on taking my daughter to dance class, next Wednesday. When he sees me....I think I might be able to determine from his reaction, if they've communicated. As far as he knows (right now)...he got an email that says "I need to work on my marriage now and therefore cannot talk to you anymore." He can assume I know...I suppose. But unless she communicates with him....he probably wouldn't be warry of me, when I bring my daughter. If he is....I think I'll know if she talked to him. That would blow the deal, for me.
Too early in the process now, but keep in mind that at some point you might end up confessing your own EA to your wife. So be firm and hold strong to boundaries for your wife, but keep in mind that if she ever finds out about your EA, she will remember if you took a holier than thou approach in any way during this time. Not saying you shouldn't be Alpha, by all means you need to be strong to make sure the OM is out of the picture, but keep the future in mind. If you want a truly intimate and honest relationship with your wife someday, your own close call might come out during therapy.
I'm not saying you should confess your EA, but you never know what the future holds. Your wife might find something incriminating someday or your EA AP might contact you. Just saying it's going to be tricky if you go through recovery, rebuild a better marriage, then someday your wife finds out you had an EA. It could blow everything out of the water again. Tread carefully. My H confessed to an affair from 10 years ago. If that OW was still married to her H, I could've outed her a decade later.
Anyway, focus on the current situation. I only wanted to address the fact that you've had an EA that your wife does not know about, so it might be an issue that comes up later.
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
