Whatever you do, don't blameshift. That's a word used a lot on these forums about unfaithful spouses, but the truth is anyone can do it. You've done it before when she has summoned the courage to bring up her issues. As some say on these forums, own your own sh*t.
If any issue is important enough for her to include in this letter, then it needs to be addressed properly. It doesn't matter how petty you believe it is.
Whatever you do, don't blameshift. That's a word used a lot on these forums about unfaithful spouses, but the truth is anyone can do it. You've done it before when she has summoned the courage to bring up her issues. As some say on these forums, own your own sh*t.
If any issue is important enough for her to include in this letter, then it needs to be addressed properly. It doesn't matter how petty you believe it is.
I agree....but...at the same time, I can't just accept blame for everything. If her charges are gaslighting, it does me no good to just assume all fault. I think that is why it is important for us to open these issues with the MC....let her help us address the core issues, without getting sidetracked by petty grievances.
I maybe wrong, but I think a lot of the issues she is presenting to you sound really petty, I actually chuckled at the tomatoe plant thing, really? you're growing a garden for pete's sake. We do some gardening, started it for the kids, I was so happy hubby was getting more involved with the kids, sometimes it wouldn't have been the way I would do it, but I bit my tongue and let him have his fun.
The cat thing....I'm a cat lover of course, but yeah, they're under our feet, and hubby has had some near fatal accidents tripping on them, he gets angry about it, but I'll say something to him about it and not let it fester.
Anyway, it sounds like you're probably a great dad, and husband at times, BUT, it also sounds like you have the tendency to get easily frustrated with things, and this bothers her (driving issues), and she sounds overly sensitive about a lot of stuff.
just my thoughts,
The thing about the cat is that knowing I am allergic....she brought it into our home, anyway. Yes...I've gotten irritated a number of times. But, I don't yell at it, or treat it mean.
Yes...I admit I DO get frustrated...and understand this bothers her. I just didn't realize how MUCH it bothered her. I agree...it seems to me that her issues listed just seem like normal relationship issues.....with the exception of the "tone" comment. That seems to indicate that we have different perceptions on my "style." I am, in all likelihood, coming across more harsh than I think. But she is probably taking things too seriously, as well. At least that is my perception. Otherwise....I'd have to consider the possibility I am as big a monster as she is portraying me.
Clearly you ruined her life with your karaoke bar, the boat, tomato thing and the groceries. Sheesh. And being disrespectful to her cat? Her messing around can't even approach an insult like that!
You better sit her and the cat together and apologize profusely!
Really, am sure DG could come up with more impressive list of his own annoyances, and they are just that, annoyances. This note of her looks like a failed attempt to rationalize her affair; probably it wasn't delivered because she realized how petty her issues look when put down on paper.
Have to admit it's been a while since I read this thread in full, but weren't there some emails amounting to at least an EA?
Maybe it's just me seeing affairs on every corner now, if so - my apologies.
Yes there was an emotional affair with a dad from dance class.
Wife should apologize to tomato plants too! Yes that's sarcasm. Posted via Mobile Device
Your wife has issues with you. The problem with a forum like this is that every story is one sided.
The people that answer posts are giving you their opinions based on what they "know". You are feeding the readers one side of your story. Based on the few sentences you gave us and your defensive posture in your answers to your wifes remarks you will not be able to solve your communication problems with your wife.
Here is a perfect example: You are allergic to cats. You passively agreed to let you wife have a cat. Why? This is a huge deal. You are allergic. Remember the saying pick you battles. This is a battle you should have fought. Now you have the cat and you are acting like a child.
The boat vs horseback riding. It would have meant the world to your wife if you gave up sailing for her horseback riding. This was probably very important to her. Probably more important that having you sign her up in "your" bowling league.
My wife is a runner. Runs everyday, good for her, it is her thing. I asked her once to learn how to play tennis and golf so we could do things together. She replied, "why don't you run with me". My reply good point. I do not run and she does not play tennis or golf end of story.
DailyGrind,
Keep in mind that you presented a post about your wife's budding EA with another man, and not a thread about normal marital problems. People can't offer objective advice on your marriage based on the type of information you provided, so don't be so hard on yourself. I admit that when I read the partial list that you found, where she listed her thoughts, I also thought that you were describing the feelings of a 13 year old, instead of a supposedly mature woman. Hey, I've been married 24 years, and if my wife listed a cat or tomato vines as part of the reasons for resentment, we both would've taken it a a really funny joke and laughed about it for weeks. I do remember that you talked briefly about her past, and past relationships. Sounds like she has little knowledge on how to maintain a normal relationship, and you also are willing to look at your own flaws. Seriously, I would suggest approaching her, hat in hand, and offer that this is the perfect time to start over, and that you want to do it right. Be honest about both of your own pasts and ask her if she would be willing to start over, this time under the guidance of a good couselor, marriage retreats, and books on communication. Tell her honestly the kind of husband that you want to be in her life, and then its completely up to her if she wants to restore the relationship, or walk away. What more can you do?
DailyGrind,
Keep in mind that you presented a post about your wife's budding EA with another man, and not a thread about normal marital problems. People can't offer objective advice on your marriage based on the type of information you provided, so don't be so hard on yourself. I admit that when I read the partial list that you found, where she listed her thoughts, I also thought that you were describing the feelings of a 13 year old, instead of a supposedly mature woman. Hey, I've been married 24 years, and if my wife listed a cat or tomato vines as part of the reasons for resentment, we both would've taken it a a really funny joke and laughed about it for weeks. I do remember that you talked briefly about her past, and past relationships. Sounds like she has little knowledge on how to maintain a normal relationship, and you also are willing to look at your own flaws. Seriously, I would suggest approaching her, hat in hand, and offer that this is the perfect time to start over, and that you want to do it right. Be honest about both of your own pasts and ask her if she would be willing to start over, this time under the guidance of a good couselor, marriage retreats, and books on communication. Tell her honestly the kind of husband that you want to be in her life, and then its completely up to her if she wants to restore the relationship, or walk away. What more can you do?
Thanks, Halien. Yes....I started off last year, when she went cold. Then re-emerged this year, when the EA started up. I guess the issue is that since...this whole relationship has been escalating out of control. I don't know what is happening...and it seems like an out of control buggy, heading for a cliff. Reading more and more on these forums, I now wonder if the reason for her going cold (2 years ago) was because of a different EA...and this "list" of grievances is nothing more than blameshifting. The only evidence I could find of SOMTHING going on at work, was the VAR finding her talking to someone (work related...it appeared) on her drives home...but NOT with HER phone. I agree.....the bulk of the "list" seems petty..with exception of her issues with my tone. THAT I can work on. And the majority of it was YEARS ago. I mean...the karoke was before we were even married. I sold the boat in 2003. The dog was three years ago.
So...she is either harboring serious resentments over small things, because she just doesn't communicate with me. Or...there is an A, and she is grasping at things to justify. I can't tell.
The thing about my "tone" issues....I KNOW that for every time I might have responded to her with "nastiness"....there had to be any number of other times where I agreed with her...and accepted her comments. It just seems that this SHOULD be workable....but we will see....hopefully. Really comes back to if she is having an A, or not. Thanks for the reply.
Thanks, Halien. Yes....I started off last year, when she went cold. Then re-emerged this year, when the EA started up. I guess the issue is that since...this whole relationship has been escalating out of control. I don't know what is happening...and it seems like an out of control buggy, heading for a cliff. Reading more and more on these forums, I now wonder if the reason for her going cold (2 years ago) was because of a different EA...and this "list" of grievances is nothing more than blameshifting. The only evidence I could find of SOMTHING going on at work, was the VAR finding her talking to someone (work related...it appeared) on her drives home...but NOT with HER phone. I agree.....the bulk of the "list" seems petty..with exception of her issues with my tone. THAT I can work on. And the majority of it was YEARS ago. I mean...the karoke was before we were even married. I sold the boat in 2003. The dog was three years ago.
So...she is either harboring serious resentments over small things, because she just doesn't communicate with me. Or...there is an A, and she is grasping at things to justify. I can't tell.
The thing about my "tone" issues....I KNOW that for every time I might have responded to her with "nastiness"....there had to be any number of other times where I agreed with her...and accepted her comments. It just seems that this SHOULD be workable....but we will see....hopefully. Really comes back to if she is having an A, or not. Thanks for the reply.
Through the years, before the EA, the more appropriate question, in my opinion, was in whether or not she was actively working to make the marriage good. Some of the comments about her make it seem like she could be a person who merely coasts, expecting the other person to provide the spark for the types of feelings to keep the relationship strong. Some other posters have advised ways that you could provide that spark, but that doesn't get her off the hook for needing to be actively working, for her part, on the relationship. You've admitted to letting things distract you in the past. That's good. If the two of you give each other a chance, you can learn from this and be the person she needs. Still, what's been missing from the story, in my opinion, is whether SHE has ever understood what it means to actively work to foster a strong marriage. She comes across as a person who naturally withdraws, but there really isn't enough here to judge. For all of our own marital problems, my wife has still done a really good job of letting go of trivial differences, understanding that they weren't intentional hurts. She also knows that each of us must look inward, to our own lack of trying, when we feel that the relationship is struggling. So, since this was a thread about her EA, I wouldn't even expect these types of relationship ideals to be discussed, but it becomes very relevant going forward, if the two of you choose to work on it.
To try to be clearer - if she doesn't know how to work to build a mutually satisfying relationship, then anything you do to make her happy will only be temporary. Its not uncommon, I suspect, for those who are drawn to EAs and PAs to be the type of person who doesn't really understand their own responsibilities in fostering a deep, permanent relationship. They expect the feelings to be provided by another at all times, and don't see the linkage to forgiving, and working hard to connect to the one they are married to in the dry spells. Our pre-marital counselor was an imposing, determined Comanchee native american. I'm half-blood, decended from a tribe that assimilated early, so our relationship was a bit quirky. Still, the thing that he told us, which has always stuck with me, is that if I think that the marriage is troubled, then I should look inward, and judge myself, then fix myself before even thinking about her faults. Your wife chose to try to find this spark from another, instead of looking inward.
DailyGrind,
Keep in mind that you presented a post about your wife's budding EA with another man, and not a thread about normal marital problems. People can't offer objective advice on your marriage based on the type of information you provided, so don't be so hard on yourself. I admit that when I read the partial list that you found, where she listed her thoughts, I also thought that you were describing the feelings of a 13 year old, instead of a supposedly mature woman. Hey, I've been married 24 years, and if my wife listed a cat or tomato vines as part of the reasons for resentment, we both would've taken it a a really funny joke and laughed about it for weeks. I do remember that you talked briefly about her past, and past relationships. Sounds like she has little knowledge on how to maintain a normal relationship, and you also are willing to look at your own flaws. Seriously, I would suggest approaching her, hat in hand, and offer that this is the perfect time to start over, and that you want to do it right. Be honest about both of your own pasts and ask her if she would be willing to start over, this time under the guidance of a good couselor, marriage retreats, and books on communication. Tell her honestly the kind of husband that you want to be in her life, and then its completely up to her if she wants to restore the relationship, or walk away. What more can you do?
Halien suggested a marriage retreat and when I think about what you've posted that suggestion resonated with me for some reason. Is there a way that you and your wife could get away to Dr. Harley's Marriagebuilders place in Minnesota or somewhere similar to give your marriage a booster shot. Sometimes being immersed in a place dedicated to marriage can allow you both to leave your day to day issues behind while force feeding each of you the building blocks of a successful relationship. I think it would be worthwhile if you could swing it.
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
