I've asked her....she swears none. And THAT would really piss me off, if that was a lie....seeing as how she knows about my own abuse from MY childhood.
I think its possible that some people would never know (especially if they were abused when too young to remember). I also think the body dismorphia can result from growing up in a household where mom & dad show little or no physical and/or emotional intimacy to each other with the kids around.
My W grew up in a home like that. Loves her parents, but she never grew up with examples of physical and/or emotional intimacy, so this has distorted her belief structure and resulted in cognitive distortions.
I think its possible that some people would never know (especially if they were abused when too young to remember). I also think the body dismorphia can result from growing up in a household where mom & dad show little or no physical and/or emotional intimacy to each other with the kids around.
My W grew up in a home like that. Loves her parents, but she never grew up with examples of physical and/or emotional intimacy, so this has distorted her belief structure and resulted in cognitive distortions.
BINGO!! That is exactly her childhood. My family was all about hugs, kisses, affection, and "I Love You"s. Her family ...the exact opposite. I simply don't recall...but my mom insists I told her that W's mom once told her she's not sure WHY she had her. I don't think that was the normal interaction...but definitely not loving.
Yeah, I'm wondering if sex therapy would be a better idea. I'm thinking that sounded like an awesome honeymoon, just the two of you, would have been the perfect opprotunity to you know.....
Yeah...and then follow that with two years on my 27' sailboat. We spent EVERY weekend, sailing around the Chesapeake. We'd setout Friday evening, and wouldn't be back until Sunday evening. Grilling off the stern rail, swimming from the boat, Pina Coladas on the bow deck, watching the sun set.....tv/vcr below decks. It KILLED me...but I don't believe we had sex more than ONCE, those entire two years. She had to be "clean" for that....and a swim in the bay didn't count. Drove me nuts.....I couldn't figure out how ANY woman wouldn't find that romantic as hell! First MC session...she comes out with how she hated the boat....cause some times I was "rude" to her. Well...yeah....I'm on deck during a strong wind...and you turn the boat across the wind point.....boom almost throws me overboard. It is just an eensy bit possible I might have raised my voice. But, again...the exception.....and should have been overshadowed by the thousands of positives (like sailing into St. Michaels...getting a slip, with a pool...and spending two nights exploring the town, and drinking ****tails at the bar.)
I think you need to bring these up at the next MC session. Is your W open to talking about what we've covered today? She definitely doesn't want to feel this way, but she'll also be embarrassed to find it being discussed even in an anonymous forum on the internet.
If she's open to suggestions, definitely recommend an individual counselor who specializes in intimacy / sexual issues, cognitive dissonance who can help her through these.
tell her there is nothing to be ashamed of, and you will support her fully through her recovery. also know that sometimes, results from therapy can cause her to reject the marriage and move on.
BINGO!! That is exactly her childhood. My family was all about hugs, kisses, affection, and "I Love You"s. Her family ...the exact opposite. I simply don't recall...but my mom insists I told her that W's mom once told her she's not sure WHY she had her. I don't think that was the normal interaction...but definitely not loving.
I don't necessarily agree with the way a person grows up, the lack of I love u's, lack of hugs etc. I grew up in a very cold British atmosphere (no offense the the Britts here). My parents were never loving toward each other (actually divorced when I was 9), grandparents never showed any love for each other, I don't even think they talked to each other much lol.
Point is, that you can't blame it on just that, yes, it factors in, but if she can be aware of it, then she can work on it ya know? for me, I became more affectionate and loving when I had my two younger kids, and this kind of helped me show more love etc. towards my H.
also know that sometimes, results from therapy can cause her to reject the marriage and move on.
Gee...you are just FULL of happy thoughts today...aren't you?
Yes...I start IC in two weeks. We broached the intimacy topic on Saturday. I won't bring up her in IC until she opens up more. Right now...in her eyes...I AM the problem. Until she can be shown how her actions helped get us where we are, I won't try to shift. I'll deal with my issues...it can only make me a better person. But, clearly....if there is a long-term for us...these issues need to be addressed.
Based on her past, sounds like she doesn't know any better. She's staying in the marriage cause it was the way she grew up. She's unhappy, but hey - there are kids. If she had her way, she would move to a Catholic convent and be happy to spend it there for the rest of her life. (there might be some truth to this, believe it or not - not sure of your religious persuasion), but my W essentially said the same to me twice (with exception of Catholic convent) - that if I wasn't ok with her lack of intimacy (physical / emotional) - we could divorce and she wouldn't remarry. She would spend the rest of her life alone abstaining from sex and relationships.
Based on her past, sounds like she doesn't know any better. She's staying in the marriage cause it was the way she grew up. She's unhappy, but hey - there are kids. If she had her way, she would move to a Catholic convent and be happy to spend it there for the rest of her life. (there might be some truth to this, believe it or not - not sure of your religious persuasion), but my W essentially said the same to me twice (with exception of Catholic convent) - that if I wasn't ok with her lack of intimacy (physical / emotional) - we could divorce and she wouldn't remarry. She would spend the rest of her life alone abstaining from sex and relationships.
yeah...well...a couple months into this two-year cold spell.....all her "toys" disappeared. I asked her about them, and she said she threw them away. So...you just might be right, to some extent.
You see, it has nothing to do with her upbringing, it has to do with resentment.
I more or less agree - I think it also depends on the perception in childhood (those things that create cognitive distortions) - the belief that things "should" always or "shouldn't" always be due to her experiences in her own family.
Every thing outside of this is "wrong". Its very BLACK and WHITE thinking.
Gee...you are just FULL of happy thoughts today...aren't you?
Yes...I start IC in two weeks. We broached the intimacy topic on Saturday. I won't bring up her in IC until she opens up more. Right now...in her eyes...I AM the problem. Until she can be shown how her actions helped get us where we are, I won't try to shift. I'll deal with my issues...it can only make me a better person. But, clearly....if there is a long-term for us...these issues need to be addressed.
Thanks!
Trying to NOT be negative, but I'm also a REALIST where I think cards need to be on the table. This was something my W was told by her therapist and she worried that it would make her not want to be married anymore.
I told my W, that whatever the outcome of therapy was, I would be ok with it as the my only true motivation was to see her change as a person for the better. With or without me. Preferably with, however.
The therapist had my W read a book about a "prince charming" fairytale. Funny thing is my W never made it more than 25% into the book, and ended up quitting therapy cause she was scared to learn more.
What she did learn has helped our marriage immensly. There are still days that are like WTF, but they are getting fewer and far between.
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
But, again...the exception.....and should have been overshadowed by the thousands of positives (like sailing into St. Michaels...getting a slip, with a pool...and spending two nights exploring the town, and drinking ****tails at the bar.)
