Pretty Much Have Lost It

DailyGrind · 01-11-2012, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustaJerk

Hey Daily- Is divorce a reality for you at this point?

It's a hard concept for me to accept. IF she is unwilling to make changes, accept my changes...or IF she is involved with someone else......I would definitely get on board with that. But the not really knowing keeps me from making any drastic decisions.

lordmayhem · 01-11-2012, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DailyGrind

I'd like to clear this up. I was doing that ONLY during quarterly closes.....over the two week period....like 2-3x those weeks. Monthly closes was one per month.

It wasn't like it was every night. I was doing that because I was working until at least 9:00 pm.....she and kids were in bed....and frankly...it sucked going home to quiet house. Now...I KNOW....a great husband would have gone straight home, anyway. But ...how many great husbands also play golf all Saturday, have guys nights out, etc. I NEVER did those things. So...all told...my horrible time in 2007....I came home around midnight ...maybe 20-25 times..the whole year. Again...not trying to justify...but ....I dont' think it was enough to divorce over either.

Were you the perfect husband? Of course not. That doesn't excuse her behavior by far. Don't let anyone justify her actions. She's pretty good at being underground. There's no valid reason for a secret cell phone that you don't know about.

working_together · 01-11-2012, 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DailyGrind

I'd like to clear this up. I was doing that ONLY during quarterly closes.....over the two week period....like 2-3x those weeks. Monthly closes was one per month.

It wasn't like it was every night. I was doing that because I was working until at least 9:00 pm.....she and kids were in bed....and frankly...it sucked going home to quiet house. Now...I KNOW....a great husband would have gone straight home, anyway. But ...how many great husbands also play golf all Saturday, have guys nights out, etc. I NEVER did those things. So...all told...my horrible time in 2007....I came home around midnight ...maybe 20-25 times..the whole year. Again...not trying to justify...but ....I dont' think it was enough to divorce over either.

The problem started on your honeymoon, so whether you came home late quite a bit during one year is mute at this point. This withdrawl, non-responsive, rejecting behavior has been going on for soo long. It`s going to be a long while to get things on tract....if ever. I`m still rooting for you though.

lordmayhem · 01-11-2012, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iwant2bhappy

But, did you see her spying on you? No, she just bottled it up all inside and started to resent you and never got over it.

Just like you resent her...for your thoughts of her having an affair.

One of you needs to give in and try with the other. And, I think it should be you.

It should be the person with the secret cell phone.

chapparal · 01-11-2012, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DailyGrind

I'd like to clear this up. I was doing that ONLY during quarterly closes.....over the two week period....like 2-3x those weeks. Monthly closes was one per month.

It wasn't like it was every night. I was doing that because I was working until at least 9:00 pm.....she and kids were in bed....and frankly...it sucked going home to quiet house. Now...I KNOW....a great husband would have gone straight home, anyway. But ...how many great husbands also play golf all Saturday, have guys nights out, etc. I NEVER did those things. So...all told...my horrible time in 2007....I came home around midnight ...maybe 20-25 times..the whole year. Again...not trying to justify...but ....I dont' think it was enough to divorce over either.

Its probably the combination of many things, not just this one or another.

Both of your self esteems (?) are in the tank. Neither of you have been able to get it back on track. Now though she may just be loosening up. When you see a crack ease into it gently and see if you can get some mild convos going. Just lay off the serious stuff since she cannot handle the pressure.

working_together · 01-11-2012, 07:43 PM

I wanted to add, that at this point, I would give up on the searching, spying etc. Who knows if she`s having affair, who knows if it`s with a man or woman. If it`s happening, she`s darn good. Let it go at least for a bit and get your sanity back. Do it for your health.

This thread makes me so sad and frustrated at the same time, I feel like just shaking your wife and telling her WTF, talk.

chapparal · 01-11-2012, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lordmayhem

It should be the person with the secret cell phone.

I'm still not convinced there is a secret cell phone but I have been wrong before. Of course, she might just be out smarting him. Looks like by now he would have found some physical evidence in the dirty clothes, car or somewhere.

Are you two still sleeping different shifts?

DailyGrind · 01-11-2012, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chapparal

I'm still not convinced there is a secret cell phone but I have been wrong before. Of course, she might just be out smarting him. Looks like by now he would have found some physical evidence in the dirty clothes, car or somewhere.

Are you two still sleeping different shifts?

I'm suffering from sinus problems this week...so I'm back on the sofa. As soon as I'm not snoring like a Mack Truck....I'll go back to the bed. But yes...different "shifts." She goes to bed around 9:00. I'm still doing work until around 11:00...then unwind til 12:00. Though...sometimes I fall asleep at my desk, and wake up in the middle of the night, to go to bed.

chapparal · 01-11-2012, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iwant2bhappy

That is a problem...which I'm sure you already know. But, you have to change that. You will not be able to salvage this marriage without intimacy.

One night, go to bed with her a 9 and try to cuddle with her. It is hard, I know. But, you have too.

When is your next MC?

Yes I've thought the sleeping arrangements have been one of the things that has cemented the status quo. Sleeping like roomates instead of lovers.

What can you work on at night that you could not get up early and do. Once in awhile is fine but every night is beyond the pale.

You could probably find you could work her into staying up a litttle later over time.

If she is sleeping a lot though, that could be a sign of depression.

DailyGrind · 01-11-2012, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chapparal

Yes I've thought the sleeping arrangements have been one of the things that has cemented the status quo. Sleeping like roomates instead of lovers.

What can you work on at night that you could not get up early and do. Once in awhile is fine but every night is beyond the pale.

You could probably find you could work her into staying up a litttle later over time.

If she is sleeping a lot though, that could be a sign of depression.

Guys...my promotion this year made me a controller for an international firm...with offices in China, UK, and the Middle East. I am frequently on conference calls with these parts of the world, in the evening. Also....I spend so much time putting out fires during the day....I need time in the evening to do substantive work. This year was incredibly difficult because it took me four months to find my replacement....meaning I did BOTH jobs. Even after I found my replacement....I'm STILL trying to get him up to speed. So...this year...I've been unbelievably busy. But the light of day is coming.

That being said......for years I tried to compromise with her. Just stay up until 10:00 - 11:00...we can both go to bed. She wouldn't. Understand....that through 2008...she was a SAHM. So...I just couldn't understand it. Maybe something we can work on during MC.

lordmayhem · 01-12-2012, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iwant2bhappy

He can't prove that though.

Conversations caught on VAR that don't show up on the cell phone bill equals what exactly? That in addition to the red flags. I look at the totality of the case, as my instructors taught me.
Posted via Mobile Device

Almostrecovered · 01-12-2012, 07:45 AM

I'm calling you Detective Meanie from now on (since a poster recently claimed you were "mean to her")

chapparal · 01-12-2012, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lordmayhem

Conversations caught on VAR that don't show up on the cell phone bill equals what exactly? That in addition to the red flags. I look at the totality of the case, as my instructors taught me.
Posted via Mobile Device

He searched and searched for another phone and couldn't find it. Is it possible there is an ap on the phone that could have been used.

I think I just read something that you can now delete calls on some phones/plans.

Almostrecovered · 01-12-2012, 07:54 AM

there are apps that you can makes calls on now- I know textfree w/voice is one of them

Lovebug501 · 01-12-2012, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DailyGrind

Just found this piece of paper in W's lunchbag....anyone know what it might mean?:

@messaging.sprintpcs.com

On back were these numbers:
0060439575
20-0492123

Is this some form of hidden communication?
Posted via Mobile Device

Okay... I've been following your thread for sometime and now feel like I should chime in..

The 20# is likely an EIN. When you apply for an EIN online, they start with a 20 (or at least they did a couple years ago). It's entirely possible that she has this information for income tax purposes. I obviously don't know your income tax business - but the other number could be an account number. Who knows what she needs it for - but that part doesn't seem at all concerning to me.

The other side of the note however is, as another poster pointed out, the domain for sprint's mobile text messaging via e-mail. All she needs is to know the person's telephone number and can e-mail them to their phone all day. But that too could be completely innocuous.

For YEARS, my H believed I was cheating on him. Everything I did was a red flag to him. I wasn't. However, the constant barrage of "you're cheating" kept me thinking it was a guilty conscience... and I found evidence that suggested he was cheating on me - which he claims he wasn't.

The way that ended was that the OW snuck in, played on his insecurities, convinced him I was cheating, and they started a PA. Then she convinced me that he was cheating (but not with her) and after I found evidence that he was less than faithful (responding to sex ads online), I began a revenge/exit PA.

And now I'm here.

Bottom line - drop the spying and suspicion. You might not like to hear this - but if she's screwing some OM/OW, she's going to do it whether you like it or not. She's going to hide it. She's going to get very good at hiding it. But eventually, she will slip up and you will know. If she isn't - you just look like an a$$hole for constantly spying and accusing her.

Either you want to work on this marriage or you don't. Spying and suspicion aren't working on the marriage. Someone has to take the first step. Give us all a valid reason why it shouldn't be you... And if you have a valid reason, it sure as h*ll ain't going to be her - so get it over with and file for divorce.