Even if it meant your marriage? You are right. You aren't FORCED to do anything for the cat. It's the fact that you do it even though you don't want to. Even though you made a deal.
From my perspective... I HATE taking out the trash. This is the ONE thing that was my H's responsibility alone. I shouldn't be FORCED to take out the trash. We had a deal! But you know what... I'll take out the damn trash. And it means a heck of a lot more to my H when I do it because he knows I HATE it - even more so if I don't b*tch about taking it out before or after I do.
Sure. There are other ways to take care of your wife. But if this is the one thing that you flat out REFUSE to do... and you did it without complaint, just because you love your wife... how much more is that worth to you wife? And I'm not saying it now becomes your responsibility.
And really - if this is THAT big of a deal to you - tell your wife that the cat goes or you go (or they both go). See how she responds to that.
Because you hold a lot of resentment over a cat - and the cat is part of what's tearing your marriage apart.
I really don't harbor resentment about it. I'm just pretty ambivolent about it. I just really don't know HOW that made it on her list of "issues." boggles my mind. If I got a dog, that she doesn't want..and said I'd be the one to take care of it....I can't IMAGINE being mad at her cause she didn't fall in love with it. I DID take care of the cat during both pregnancies...cause she wasn't supposed to deal with the litter cleanup during pregnancies.
Guys...the cat REALLY is a tangent, here. I don't know why she put it on her list...but it can't be THAT big a deal. It certainly is NOT the reason we are where we are. It just seems to be SOMETHING she could put on a list. I don't know if it is just reaching for things (on her part) to justify her actions...or what. BUT...I'm REALLY not mean to the cat. I'm just not loving.
Okay so before we drown, stone or sufficate the cat, send it over! We used to have 4 and lost one last year. She was my husband's favorite. Come to think of it, he's allergic to cats. LOL, maybe that's why you're getting flak from me.
W's parents have 6 (count them SIX) cats in their house. I just load up on sudafed before we go over there. I put up with them.....BUT....I'm just NOT a cat person. BUT...it is HER cat...so I've learned to let that issue be. The only point here was that she would get a cat....KNOWING I'm allergic to it. If ANYONE has an issue over the darn thing....I thought it was me. But...you guys seem to disagree.
The more my H pushed [after the affairs], the more I withdrew.
Additionally, back before the affairs on both sides, he would say things to me that I took to heart and that really hurt me... and those things caused me to lose desire for intimacy with him. The more I withdrew, the more he thought I was cheating. The more he thought I was cheating, the more I suspected him. The more I suspected him, the more I withdrew.
Ugly, vicious cycle.
DG: As I think about this, it becomes clearer to me. The advice I would give is this:
Go to your wife. Tell her that you have been spying and watching and listening and that you think you both know that. And that you know that if she is going to cheat, there is nothing you can do about it. Either way, the spying is stopping here and now. That you want to repair your marriage. That you are listening and you want her to tell you what it is that has caused her to pull away. Then sit and listen. Do not speak. Listen. Do not defend your actions. No matter how petty her grievances are (and they will be petty, likely).
It was all the little things over 14 years that slowly built up the wall of resentment I had. It took a million (exaggerating) little bricks to build the pyramids. And it's taking a million little things to slowly tear down my wall - but it all starts with listening.
i like the beginning but you cant finish like that with her treating you like this. she knows she is treating you like crap and also knows you should not be putting up with it.
Go to your wife. Tell her that you have been spying and watching and listening and that you think you both know that. And that you know that if she is going to cheat, there is nothing you can do about it. Either way, the spying is stopping here and now. That she won, do what you want. That you are not interested in hearing her excuses or trying to fix this. tell her you deserve better, at least a wife that would try. where is the effort? now this could be true or it could be a bluff but i warn you women are much better at this crap and she will know if you are bluffing. you have to out last this one. drop contact to a minimum, no i love you's, if she asks, tell her she killed it. wait her out and see if she wakes up. do not however say, can i please listen to you complain, maybe that will make you feel better. please, i f i have to worry about petty little things that happened over a 14 year stretch, i'll pass on that too. i don't think you can use the word petty if it is still bothering you. remember when you laughed at me when i couldn't open that jar of pickles in '87, that is why i f%$#ed someone else.
WELL...this seems interesting. We (W and I) just got a confirmation from the library on some books she requested to be held:
Title: Can't get through : 8 barriers to communication
Author: Hogan, Kevin.
Title: Make peace with anyone : breakthrough strategies to quickly end any conflict, feud, or estrangement
Author: Lieberman, David J.
Title: Saying what's real : seven keys to authentic communication and relationship success
Author: Campbell, Susan M., 1941-
Title: The book of no : 250 ways to say it--and mean it--and stop people-pleasing forever
Author: Newman, Susan.
Title: We really need to talk : steps to better communication
Author: Donoghue, Paul J.
Maybe there WAS a breakthrough in our counseling last weekend??
I think that's looking pretty good!
But I still can't help it:
1. Can't get through - my husband hates my cat!
2. Make peace with anyone - even the cat!
3. Saying what's real - cat barf is!
4. The book of "No, we're not getting rid of my cat"
5. We really need to talk about my cat!
i don't think you can use the word petty if it is still bothering you. remember when you laughed at me when i couldn't open that jar of pickles in '87, that is why i f%$#ed someone else.
They are petty to HIM, not to HER.
It was all the little things that started us down the road to where we are. Any time I brought up something, he would defend and tell me it was stupid. Well, it wasn't stupid to me. More like - remember that time that I was 7 months pregnant and moving into an upstairs apartment and you were supposed to help and instead you went "skinny dipping" with a bunch of co-workers and "forgot" and rolled in at 6 a.m.? Remember when you told me that if I gained weight, you would f*ck someone else? I do... and I gained weight and you did... so I did too.
Looking back over my list of "petty" grievances, I realize that some of them are/were petty... but it took me actually getting them out there and him actually listening for me to realize they were petty and that they were all small symptoms of a much bigger problem.
1. Can't get through - my husband hates my cat!
2. Make peace with anyone - even the cat!
3. Saying what's real - cat barf is!
4. The book of "No, we're not getting rid of my cat"
5. We really need to talk about my cat!
W's parents have 6 (count them SIX) cats in their house. I just load up on sudafed before we go over there. I put up with them.....BUT....I'm just NOT a cat person. BUT...it is HER cat...so I've learned to let that issue be. The only point here was that she would get a cat....KNOWING I'm allergic to it. If ANYONE has an issue over the darn thing....I thought it was me. But...you guys seem to disagree.
I understand the allergy thing, my husband itches like crazy if the cats "accidently" sleep on his pillow.
I think that you are more upset about having to clean up cat barf than the allergies though. You haven't said a word about teary eyes, itching, hives or anything but you have said tons about cat puke. Having a cat might have meant a lot to your wife and you agreeing to get one might have meant even more to her - that you love her! Now you're calling the cat names...see what I'm saying? She might hear and see this in a completely different way than you might mean it (You: I hate cat puke, Her: he doesn't love me)
I'm so stubborn about your cat (I guess) because mine are a comfort to both me and my husband, they are family.
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
