I hate to be so naive...but when I D-Day'd this with her.....I made her a deal....Come downstairs and discuss this, or I reveal to OMW immediately.
This morning I asked her what she would do when he tried contacting her. She said she would just explain it to him. I told her, WRONG ANSWER. She doesn't understand how serious this is. No Contact means NO CONTACT!
After reading all your all emails....I agree I should inform the OMW. I really find it hard to believe there will be no attempt at contact. Nothing so far, this morning...but then...she already knows her phone is suspect.
I just talked to her on the phone. I reiterated NO CONTACT...and she swore she would tell me if he tries. I had also told her this morning, before work, that I would be contacting a lawyer. She was shocked. When I just talked to her on the phone, I told her I loved her. She said "even after what you said this morning?"...meaning the lawyer. I said yes...and that I would be emailing her some options for a counselor for her to look at. She seemed hesitant. I asked her if she was changing her mind. She said..."well not if you are going to a lawyer." I told her the two issues were not related. The lawyer is for MY protection. The counselor is for OURS!
Look she will be angry when she learns you have exposed to everyone important to her, so what she will get over it.....you will have ruined her fantasy and she will have to be accountable for her actions.......your marriage can survive that, but not if she continues to see the other man, falls in love and leaves you.......
Right now your wife is affair fogged out and her only thoughts will be how to talk to him again and get her fix.......I would expose, sit her down and tell her that you will work on your marriage so both of you are happy but only when she agrees to no contact with the OM, sends him a no contact letter, with your approval and then being transparent with all her communication devices.......If she will not agree ask her to leave the home since she is the only deciding to not commit to the marriage.......
In the meantime you show her a strong, firm man willing to fight for his wife and his family.......don't yell, be understanding and compassionate, it will throw her off why you aren't angry, don't give her a reason to bolt, the decision will only be because of what her choice is, not because you are doing something awful.
Even if she leaves, that is okay, when the affair couple has to face everyone else it will blow that fantasy out the window and the real life problems will get in the way that is what you want. they will both see the other side of their perfect affair partners.....watch the OM dump her when his wife finds out, he won't lose everything for your wife, when you wife realizes this she will know she was being played and used.........
exactly what you want.....the sooner you do this the better, she will say all kinds of ugly things, like it's your fault because of the exposure, that she was going to give you a chance but not now.......
don't listen to the BS, she is trying to blame you for the perdicament she has herself in.......
If your children are old enough tell them as well.....simply state mommy is seeing another man when she is suppose to only see daddy..........and that she will not stop and will be moving out....
she may continue to contact him for a while but it will soon enough not be worth it to her any longer and she will see that her life is going to emplode if she doesn't get it together ......she needs to start acting like an adult again............
in the meantime the trick for you is to go on with your life, looking strong, not being her doormat, looking good, smell good, take care of her, cook, do little things she will notice you did for her, don't say anything just do it...........she will see you as the better choice, the one that will stick by her.......
If she moves out tell her it will be to difficult for you to have contact with her until she stops the relationship with the OM, and then stop seeing her, don't give her a DailyGrind fix, let her learn what life is without you and her life as she has known it.......
reality check in full force is what is needed......
I hate to be so naive...but when I D-Day'd this with her.....I made her a deal....Come downstairs and discuss this, or I reveal to OMW immediately.
This morning I asked her what she would do when he tried contacting her. She said she would just explain it to him. I told her, WRONG ANSWER. She doesn't understand how serious this is. No Contact means NO CONTACT!
After reading all your all emails....I agree I should inform the OMW. I really find it hard to believe there will be no attempt at contact. Nothing so far, this morning...but then...she already knows her phone is suspect.
I just talked to her on the phone. I reiterated NO CONTACT...and she swore she would tell me if he tries. I had also told her this morning, before work, that I would be contacting a lawyer. She was shocked. When I just talked to her on the phone, I told her I loved her. She said "even after what you said this morning?"...meaning the lawyer. I said yes...and that I would be emailing her some options for a counselor for her to look at. She seemed hesitant. I asked her if she was changing her mind. She said..."well not if you are going to a lawyer." I told her the two issues were not related. The lawyer is for MY protection. The counselor is for OURS!
If your marriage is the number one priority then all other deals, feelings issues and so on take a back seat. Just tell her after further thought you realized you had to expose the affair and move on. Exposing the affair is not violating a deal. You guys took vows. Those trump everything else.
All is fair in love and war. This is war. Another man is trying to have sex with your wife.
If your marriage is the number one priority then all other deals, feelings issues and so on take a back seat. Just tell her after further thought you realized you had to expose the affair and move on. Exposing the affair is not violating a deal. You guys took vows. Those trump everything else.
All is fair in love and war. This is war. Another man is trying to have sex with your wife.
Just read the first page of this thread, so I hope this is appropriate. Your wife has a huge sense of entitlement, She has no appreciation for all you have done and she is a very disloyal woman.
She is testing the waters for cheating, another sign that she feels entitled and lacks integrity.
And why haven't you blown this up to OM's wife? He's a scum bag, if it were me I would be calling on them both in person. The last thing he ever thought of would be to approach my wife again.
This is so right. It is unconscinable that you have not informed this poor woman. WTF?
I am working on how to contact the OMW. Hopefully I can do so today.
I don't know if my wife has contacted him, or not. When I confronted her, I didn't want her to think her phone was completely compromised...so i told her I found the emails through her Sent box (she was deleting her inbox emails...but not her sent ones.) I was hoping she would not realize I could see her emails (online) pretty much as fast as she could. That way, she would think I actually had to have physical access to her phone, to see the activity. I haven't seen any contact...but she could have just done so from work.
I emailed her yesterday with some possible options for a counselor. She picked a couple that we might contact. So, at least that is progressing. With the same email, I told her I wouldn't contact the lawyer. I explained I didn't want threats hanging over our heads...and that I hadn't decided whether I wanted to let OMW know anyway. When she replied about the counselors, she never mentioned my comment about informing the OMW.
We were supposed to talk more, last night....but when I got home, she seemed unapproachable. I figured I'd wait until the kids went to bed...but by then she was "too tired." This morning, I approached her...and told her I wanted to know why she went cold 1 1/2 years ago. She said she told me (the same rather innocuous things she mentioned previously.) I then said I wanted to know why RIGHT before she went cold....she got much warmer for a couple months (albeit...at the time I felt it was more frequency, but no real passion.) She said she was making a "last ditch effort." I told her, I never really felt she was making love to ME, during that time...and I feel something more was going on. She responded "shouldn't we wait until we get with one of the counselors, to talk about this stuff?" I said I thought counselors were to HELP us open up, and learn to communicate....not PRECLUDE efforts to do so. She said "it might be causing more harm, than good {talking before the counselor}." So...I've dropped it. Not sure how to proceed....with her. I really don't sense the remorse from her. She does appear to be following my requests....(counseling, NC) and seemed genuinely rattled by my mentioning a lawyer. But she still seems to not be willing to really talk about anything. I don't want to push...so I'll just let it alone until the counseling. But...man this is hard. I wish I had pushed more on D-Day...when she was rattled, instead of letting her go to bed. I'm afraid she has regrouped. Right now...we are not really any better than before the EA. {sigh}
I am working on how to contact the OMW. Hopefully I can do so today.
I don't know if my wife has contacted him, or not. When I confronted her, I didn't want her to think her phone was completely compromised...so i told her I found the emails through her Sent box (she was deleting her inbox emails...but not her sent ones.) I was hoping she would not realize I could see her emails (online) pretty much as fast as she could. That way, she would think I actually had to have physical access to her phone, to see the activity. I haven't seen any contact...but she could have just done so from work.
I emailed her yesterday with some possible options for a counselor. She picked a couple that we might contact. So, at least that is progressing. With the same email, I told her I wouldn't contact the lawyer. I explained I didn't want threats hanging over our heads...and that I hadn't decided whether I wanted to let OMW know anyway. When she replied about the counselors, she never mentioned my comment about informing the OMW.
We were supposed to talk more, last night....but when I got home, she seemed unapproachable. I figured I'd wait until the kids went to bed...but by then she was "too tired." This morning, I approached her...and told her I wanted to know why she went cold 1 1/2 years ago. She said she told me (the same rather innocuous things she mentioned previously.) I then said I wanted to know why RIGHT before she went cold....she got much warmer for a couple months (albeit...at the time I felt it was more frequency, but no real passion.) She said she was making a "last ditch effort." I told her, I never really felt she was making love to ME, during that time...and I feel something more was going on. She responded "shouldn't we wait until we get with one of the counselors, to talk about this stuff?" I said I thought counselors were to HELP us open up, and learn to communicate....not PRECLUDE efforts to do so. She said "it might be causing more harm, than good {talking before the counselor}." So...I've dropped it. Not sure how to proceed....with her. I really don't sense the remorse from her. She does appear to be following my requests....(counseling, NC) and seemed genuinely rattled by my mentioning a lawyer. But she still seems to not be willing to really talk about anything. I don't want to push...so I'll just let it alone until the counseling. But...man this is hard. I wish I had pushed more on D-Day...when she was rattled, instead of letting her go to bed. I'm afraid she has regrouped. Right now...we are not really any better than before the EA. {sigh}
How does the timeline add up with the other man? Are you thinking there might have been someone else one and a half or more years ago?
How does the timeline add up with the other man? Are you thinking there might have been someone else one and a half or more years ago?
Definitely NOT this same guy. I can't imagine it was another man...but then...I never imagined this. She says she had just reached the end of her rope. We had been miscommunicating for years...but I didn't really think it was anything other than normal marriage stress. She had finally started back to work, but we had a lot of financial stress. I know I was having problems with our sex life (at best 6-7 times a year.) But we were looking at a bright future. I don't know what happened. When she got warmer (suddenly more sex)....I obviously jumped all over that. Life was good. But, I slowly realized she was only going through motions. When night I mentioned I wanted to get intimate.....she said let's wait for the morning. When I woke, she was just laying there. I murmered...oh, your still here? She said "You said you wanted it...so go ahead"...and proceeded to just lay there like a fish. As I started making moves....it hit me like a brick. For the past two months, we were doing it more than ever...BUT....she was always just laying there like a fish. I pulled away, and said....I think I'd rather wait until she was into it. That was Feb 2010. We haven't touched in almost any way since.
A lot of wayward wives that increase sexual activity do so in order to throw their partner off the scent, at least at first. Her not wanting to talk about it sounds suspicious. May be nothing but I would bring it up in counseling to gauge her reaction.
What would be the point of trying to become closer and then just lay there. She knew that you would soon find that unacceptable.
Some issues can be discussed before counseling. I'd be tempted to ask her why, at the same time she told you that she was willing to give it a try, she was also continuing a relationship with an OM. Ask her when she quit valuing honesty? Was it when she decided to pursue another relationship?
Some will disagree, and even say that you can't trust anything she says when she is in the fog, but certain 'tells' might at least let you guage where she is. If she blameshifts or denies on fundamental questions of integrity, based on what is already known as a given (that she was communicating with him), she's in the fog big time.
The girl's an enigma, wrapped in mystery...surrounded by uncertainty. Prides herself on it.....but then throws in my face "you don't get me."
You can see why I struggle with the fight/flight response. I know there is SO much more we could be. Getting there is the challenge. And a constant question, is it worth it.
This episode, jolting as it is/was......is not a mystery. But...I made vows, sired children, and love her deeply regardless. Will I find true happiness with her? History suggests maybe not. But then...maybe a counselor will help us break through the fog. I just don't know.
The girl's an enigma, wrapped in mystery...surrounded by uncertainty. Prides herself on it.....but then throws in my face "you don't get me."
You can see why I struggle with the fight/flight response. I know there is SO much more we could be. Getting there is the challenge. And a constant question, is it worth it.
This episode, jolting as it is/was......is not a mystery. But...I made vows, sired children, and love her deeply regardless. Will I find true happiness with her? History suggests maybe not. But then...maybe a counselor will help us break through the fog. I just don't know.
Good luck and be optimistic. Trust but verify. Hope you make it. Please keep us informed on progress especially with counselors. Reminding you that other posters say finding the right counselors are of the utmost importance
Also, three books that are exceptional are "The Five Love Languages, "Love Busters" and its follow up "His Needs Her Needs".
These books are all about communication. Like someone said you either have communication or disintegration.
I am working on how to contact the OMW. Hopefully I can do so today.
I don't know if my wife has contacted him, or not. When I confronted her, I didn't want her to think her phone was completely compromised...so i told her I found the emails through her Sent box (she was deleting her inbox emails...but not her sent ones.) I was hoping she would not realize I could see her emails (online) pretty much as fast as she could. That way, she would think I actually had to have physical access to her phone, to see the activity. I haven't seen any contact...but she could have just done so from work.
I emailed her yesterday with some possible options for a counselor. She picked a couple that we might contact. So, at least that is progressing. With the same email, I told her I wouldn't contact the lawyer. I explained I didn't want threats hanging over our heads...and that I hadn't decided whether I wanted to let OMW know anyway. When she replied about the counselors, she never mentioned my comment about informing the OMW.
We were supposed to talk more, last night....but when I got home, she seemed unapproachable. I figured I'd wait until the kids went to bed...but by then she was "too tired." This morning, I approached her...and told her I wanted to know why she went cold 1 1/2 years ago. She said she told me (the same rather innocuous things she mentioned previously.) I then said I wanted to know why RIGHT before she went cold....she got much warmer for a couple months (albeit...at the time I felt it was more frequency, but no real passion.) She said she was making a "last ditch effort." I told her, I never really felt she was making love to ME, during that time...and I feel something more was going on. She responded "shouldn't we wait until we get with one of the counselors, to talk about this stuff?" I said I thought counselors were to HELP us open up, and learn to communicate....not PRECLUDE efforts to do so. She said "it might be causing more harm, than good {talking before the counselor}." So...I've dropped it. Not sure how to proceed....with her. I really don't sense the remorse from her. She does appear to be following my requests....(counseling, NC) and seemed genuinely rattled by my mentioning a lawyer. But she still seems to not be willing to really talk about anything. I don't want to push...so I'll just let it alone until the counseling. But...man this is hard. I wish I had pushed more on D-Day...when she was rattled, instead of letting her go to bed. I'm afraid she has regrouped. Right now...we are not really any better than before the EA. {sigh}
She will have to go through withdrawal first. That takes weeks of complete NC.
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Re: Pretty Much Have Lost It 
