But there are still odd signs, as well. Last night, as usual, she went up to bed around 9:00. She DID say "I'm going upstairs"...but didn't say goodnight. I went up around 11:00 to turn off the hall lights (we leave on until the kids are in bed.) She's still up reading. HUH?? She HAS to go to bed early....being the reason she never stays up with me...and we never have together time. But she can be awake until 11:00 reading???!!!
She didn't say "Goodnight" because she meant, I'm going upstairs... she was being honest with you. Why is that bad? She wanted to relax and read for a bit. I want to do that all the time. I have a list of marriage books and child rearing books, etc. that I want to read, but I never have time because H needs so much attention.
What was she reading?
Maybe the new clothes are a sign that she's trying to dress in a way that you appreciate. Baby steps... right? If dressing like that is something she has never been comfortable with, you've been pushing it for years (a "backless shirt" is a pretty far stretch from turtlenecks and crew necks... that typically means no bra), and now she's taking a couple of steps outside of her box to make you happy. I'd suggest complimenting her when she wears something that you like. Simple and sincere things, like... that shirt looks really good on you!
I'm very uncomfortable and self-conscious when I wear something that is even a little outside of my comfort zone... one wrong comment and I'll never wear it again... but a few small compliments could make it my new favorite piece.
She didn't say "Goodnight" because she meant, I'm going upstairs... she was being honest with you. Why is that bad?
It's not bad....it's just I've heard for years how she can't stay up, during the week..past 9:00....so there was no WE time....she just absolutely needs her sleep. And yet, since she joined the book club, in the Fall.....she seems to have NO problem staying up to read. Which is it...absolutely need the sleep...or just don't want to spend time with me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovebug501
What was she reading?
Something from Book Club.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovebug501
Maybe the new clothes are a sign that she's trying to dress in a way that you appreciate.
Uhh...no...that's not it. She doesn't wear that when we go out (I've never even SEEN her in the heels). These clothes typically are off, and she's into her pj's by the time I get home. It's only cause I've been making the conscious effort to get home earlier, that I've even seen them.
It's just like her perfume. She puts it on EVERY day for work. She's put it on to go to her book club. I can't even remember the last time (if ever) she has put on perfume when we've gone out. I've brought it up, in the past....and she'll say "oh...I just forgot." Funny how she never forgets for work.
It's the effort, I'm referring to. It's ALWAYS been, that WE get minimum effort from her. I'm hoping this is something that will change with MC. Because...if all we are accomplishing with MC, is to get back to the laise faire relationship we had BEFORE the coldness set in....that's not enough.
Forget the stuff she did or didn't do for you for years.
It's not important. What is important is what she is doing TODAY for you, and for the relationship. And what you are doing today.
Appreciate it. Enjoy it. Otherwise... it's just a battle of resentments.
Don't forget to notice it and comment on it if you like it. Don't overanlyze it. Just encourage it.
Forget the stuff she did or didn't do for you for years.
It's not important. What is important is what she is doing TODAY for you, and for the relationship. And what you are doing today.
Appreciate it. Enjoy it. Otherwise... it's just a battle of resentments.
Don't forget to notice it and comment on it if you like it. Don't overanlyze it. Just encourage it.
I disagree. In fact, I disagree with most of the posters here. This will be my only post on this thread. I will say my peace and say no more...
I have read this thread from beginning to end and the only thought that pops into my head at the end of it is....WHY?
OK, I get that in his past the OP was negligent towards the wife and kiddies. Yes I get it. OK. But now he has to pay penance by enduring every day with a wife who shows absolutely no love or respect for him? Give me a break!
For two years she has withdrawn all love and effection towards her husband for some henous marital crimes that he has, frankly, never explained or enumerated in any of his posts. She has used him for security and nothing more.
I see no practical reason why he could not be doing all the things he doing now with and for the kids as a single, divorced father.
I just don't get it. I just don't get any of this.
This woman is a selfish, immature, spoiled brat who is basking in the power she has over her husband. She feels entitled... entitled to demean him and refuse to show him any love or consideration whatsoever while he toils to make a home for her and his children. Then she grinds her heel harder in his face by unrepentently having an EA (ha!) with some scuzzbucket.
Bah! Blech!! This is a bunch of crap. I may throw up on my keyboard!
Grow some nads DG and ditch the b*tch. Find a woman who actually has a heart and soul, who will share herself fully with you, instead of wasting your life chained to this reef shark.
By the way IC wants me to see my doctor to get some meds. Even though I am in a MUCH better place, emotionally, right now.....she thinks I'm going to be in for a bit of a roller coaster
I think she might be right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by spudster
Grow some nads DG and ditch the b*tch.
That's... pretty much your solution to every marriage problem, isn't it? It's a valid solution for resolving pretty much any issue in a marriage, but there's more than one way to skin a cat. (Not literally, DG. )
That's... pretty much your solution to every marriage problem, isn't it? It's a valid solution for resolving pretty much any issue in a marriage, but there's more than one way to skin a cat. (Not literally, DG. )
I disagree. In fact, I disagree with most of the posters here. This will be my only post on this thread. I will say my peace and say no more...
I have read this thread from beginning to end and the only thought that pops into my head at the end of it is....WHY?
OK, I get that in his past the OP was negligent towards the wife and kiddies. Yes I get it. OK. But now he has to pay penance by enduring every day with a wife who shows absolutely no love or respect for him? Give me a break!
For two years she has withdrawn all love and effection towards her husband for some henous marital crimes that he has, frankly, never explained or enumerated in any of his posts. She has used him for security and nothing more.
I see no practical reason why he could not be doing all the things he doing now with and for the kids as a single, divorced father.
I just don't get it. I just don't get any of this.
This woman is a selfish, immature, spoiled brat who is basking in the power she has over her husband. She feels entitled... entitled to demean him and refuse to show him any love or consideration whatsoever while he toils to make a home for her and his children. Then she grinds her heel harder in his face by unrepentently having an EA (ha!) with some scuzzbucket.
Bah! Blech!! This is a bunch of crap. I may throw up on my keyboard!
Grow some nads DG and ditch the b*tch. Find a woman who actually has a heart and soul, who will share herself fully with you, instead of wasting your life chained to this reef shark.
I agree with this to a point. What bothers me the most is that she knows CLEARLY what your needs are, what you want from the relationship. You've asked her to spend time with you at night, and then she goes upstairs and reads a book from the book club?? what about the marriage improvement books? didn't you ask her if she could read them?
I see she made the "baby steps", but how long will it take to get her fully commited to the relationship. I would bring this up in therapy. Express that you were pleased that she said thank you etc. but also call her on what she isn't doing, and why not? it's a safe place in therapy for her, ask the questions there. If you're willing to give it your all NOW, then she needs to put more effort as well, and maybe she should notice some of the effort you are putting in, has she said anything about that?
I have no idea about the change of clothes, boots etc. Seems to me she wants to feel sexy, but there's more to it, that does not involve an affair.
I have read the entire 63 pages on this thread so far simply because my wife thinks and behaves in some of the same ways that your wife does. I am by no means an expert in matters of the heart (see username) but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck in rebuilding your marriage and I wanted to commend you on your strength and determination to heal your marriage in spite of overwhelming odds.
Judging by the whole thread taken together, I don’t think your marriage is irreparably broken, as some have suggested here. I think she will be able to see, regardless of whether or not she acknowledges it, that you mean well and want and are willing to put in the effort to make things work between you. For an introverted, sensitive woman like she seems to be, this must be very encouraging for her. One thing I wanted to suggest was that may be, you can drop her a suggestion to pursue a similar forum as TAM herself as well somehow? I say this simply because it seems that your wife is more comfortable communicating with the written word that she is verbally.
That's... pretty much your solution to every marriage problem, isn't it? It's a valid solution for resolving pretty much any issue in a marriage, but there's more than one way to skin a cat. (Not literally, DG. )
On the contrary, in fact I like hearing stories about spouses who work together to bring a marriage back from the brink. But I really do not feel that is the case with this woman. For whatever reason, she has gotten it into her head that she is in control of the R, and that things will go according to her timeline.
I do not believe in coddling brats, and from what the OP has said about her, that is the behavior I see. IMHO (yeah right!) her sh*tty attitude and neglect of her husband is just another form of abuse. Oh she may come up with a thousand justifications for it, but it is still emotional, sexual and psychological abuse any way you slice it.
And by the way dymo, if you cannot tolerate opinions that veer accross your intricately cultivated field of ideas, then maybe you should be posting on Marriage Builders.
It's not bad....it's just I've heard for years how she can't stay up, during the week..past 9:00....so there was no WE time....she just absolutely needs her sleep. And yet, since she joined the book club, in the Fall.....she seems to have NO problem staying up to read. Which is it...absolutely need the sleep...or just don't want to spend time with me?
Something from Book Club.
Uhh...no...that's not it. She doesn't wear that when we go out (I've never even SEEN her in the heels). These clothes typically are off, and she's into her pj's by the time I get home. It's only cause I've been making the conscious effort to get home earlier, that I've even seen them.
It's just like her perfume. She puts it on EVERY day for work. She's put it on to go to her book club. I can't even remember the last time (if ever) she has put on perfume when we've gone out. I've brought it up, in the past....and she'll say "oh...I just forgot." Funny how she never forgets for work.
It's the effort, I'm referring to. It's ALWAYS been, that WE get minimum effort from her. I'm hoping this is something that will change with MC. Because...if all we are accomplishing with MC, is to get back to the laise faire relationship we had BEFORE the coldness set in....that's not enough.
Thats true BUT, things went wrong on your honey moon. I wonder if she somehow blames you for a big part of that. Things have been wrong for a long time and you just seem to be in such a hurry to fix everything. It looks like it might take quite a while for you two to fix this. Do you think the MC is going to tell you something and everything is going to get better?
Are you sure you are still interested in this marriage? I think the number one thing you need to remember is she does not trust you, right or wrong. You do not seem to be able to empathize with her at all. You have waited so long to get on this and now you are trying to look at it like a business problem that you can fix overnight.
Thats true BUT, things went wrong on your honey moon. I wonder if she somehow blames you for a big part of that. Things have been wrong for a long time and you just seem to be in such a hurry to fix everything. It looks like it might take quite a while for you two to fix this. Do you think the MC is going to tell you something and everything is going to get better?
Are you sure you are still interested in this marriage? I think the number one thing you need to remember is she does not trust you, right or wrong. You do not seem to be able to empathize with her at all. You have waited so long to get on this and now you are trying to look at it like a business problem that you can fix overnight.
She probably resented the fact that while on their honeymoon she became sea sick when they were sailing and he didn't just say "oh hon, we should do something else", and she should have said "I'm so sick, I can't do this anymore". No one said anything.
She probably resented the fact that while on their honeymoon she became sea sick when they were sailing and he didn't just say "oh hon, we should do something else", and she should have said "I'm so sick, I can't do this anymore". No one said anything.
Spouse are left too often to read the other spouses mind. I'm sure she didn't want to ruin the trip.
Yes, I wondered if you complemented on her nice looking blouse and told her how hot her boots looked. Hot might be to strong at this point, she might run like a dear and take them off.
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